Resurrection

London, UK, 2008

“Eva!! Hold my hand!”, my friend Ali was trying to get hold of me. The people around us were pushing and pulling and running in the same direction and with the same purpose as we did. To try and get to the first row. This was my first HIM gig. My first gig in general and the chaos that greeted me when the doors opened was shocking to say the least. The queue that we were standing in for 7 hours didn’t matter anymore. There was no order and no manners. Every man and woman were for themselves. And I was in the middle of it all. I really didn’t understand why couldn’t we just stand somewhere aside and just enjoy our time. I was only laughed at when I suggested that. Apparently it’s front row or nothing. And who was I to say different? “We just have to be in the front row, we just have to and it’s final.”, that was the only explanation Ali gave me when I asked her why when we were sitting on a cold and wet sidewalk next to the club. “Besides, it’s your first HIM show and every HIM virgin must stand in front of Ville so they could bask in his glory!”, she grinned at me, mouth full of McDonald’s french fries. “You are kooky”, I shook my head and slurped on my cola. “Don’t deny it woman! I’ve seen how you look at Ville.”, Ali pointed her finger at me with black nail polish, which she only wore when she was going to gigs. “I don’t know what I am supposedly denying.”, I shrugged. “You think he’s prrrretyyy”, she tried to make, what she called Finish Bastard Sound with rolling your r’s but it came out more like busted engine sound. “I never said he wasn’t…. He is very good looking but that doesn’t mean that I want to drop to my knees and worship him”. Ali gave me her widest smile and was about to say something but I put my hand over her mouth. “Don’t you even dare!”, she snorted and some of her spit landed on my palm. “Ewww…” I wiped it on my jeans and continued eating my poor excuse for a food.
I was a very new HIM fan. Ali was, as she put it “most hardcore fan that has ever lived” for about 7 years and while I was told about the band every single day and listened to their music I never paid any attention. But suddenly last year everything changed when the lead singer went to rehab. Ali was devastated. She was convinced that he won’t make it. She couldn’t even check the news in fear of reading the worst, so I had to do it for her. Bit by bit I got more interested in the band and I finally realized why Ali was so psyched about them. The music was absolutely beautiful and the singer was the perfect tortured poet. I still didn’t get those who claimed that they were something unnatural and Ville Valo, that’s his name, was their savior. Ville. He was beautiful. I was a sucker for green eyes and he had the most beautiful shade I’ve ever seen. His tattoos fascinated me, I could only imagine the hours and pain he had to go through to get them all done. I wanted few myself but I was just too big of a wimp for the pain. And even though I didn’t know him I was sad that he was suffering. I knew that all too well and it affected me greatly to see someone trying to rebuild their lives. But it all worked out for the good, he came out healthy and happy and because of that Ali was happy, which made me happy. When the band announced UK tour Ali was beyond excited, and this time, she won’t go alone. She said she had to teach me a lot of things and live shows were the best for that. I’m not really into going out where there’ll be a lot of strange looking people, then sit for hours and hours outside and wait for someone to ignore you and just watch them do their work and most likely bust your ear drums. So when I agreed to tag along for this tour, after Ali promised me to give her first born, she screamed her head off and ran to not only buy the tickets but to order me some new “gear” too. So here I was now, being dragged towards the stage. HIM’s first show.
We finally reached the stage and Ali grabbed the bars for her dear life. She was in front of the mic, just like she wanted to, and I was a bit to the left. Just few seconds later I was crushed to the bars myself, people trying to be as close to the stage as they could. I turned my head round just to be greeted by some teenager snarling at me. Lovely. After 15 minutes of trying to push people away from me so I wouldn’t morph into the stage the lights went out and everyone screamed. This is it then. The intro song started playing (The Blood Theme) and the people just kept getting louder. Then one by one the band appeared on stage. Everyone went insane. Cheering and shouting their names. I cheered and clapped too. It was really fun. The atmosphere was electrifying. The band picked up their instruments and started trying out random keys. Checking their equipments. Then suddenly an enormous roar of screams and cheers erupted. The girl behind me started jumping up and down and it felt like she was humping me, that felt weird. If you thought people were loud when the band entered the stage I had no description for what was happening now. Every single person lost their minds. Ali next to me looked like monkey on cocaine, if she had any space she would be running in circles.
Then… I saw him. He looked so confident and satisfied. And much taller than I imagined. He said something in the microphone but I couldn’t make it out due to people screaming. He laughed. I laughed. For no reason. He readjusted his mic stand and the band started playing their first song of the night. People were jumping up and down and singing every line with him. It was never I’ve seen before in my life. They all looked like puppets and Ville was their master. He controlled them and they gave him everything they’ve got, feeding him with their energy. He looked thin but strong. His hair was up to his shoulders and I was positive if someone straightened them out they’d be longer that mine. He looked absolutely in control. And he was. It was his night, his show and we all were here just to bask in his glory. Ali was right. I admit to that.
The first few songs flew by so fast I didn’t even noticed. I was too observed into watching the band and watching Ville. They all seemed so relaxed and comfortable. They joked between the songs and talked with the audience. Mostly it was Ville and the bass player, whose name I remembered to be Mige, while the lead guitarist seemed to be annoyed and was flicking his dreads of himself every few seconds. He seemed to be much happier just playing, he didn’t need all the chatty stuff. Every once in a while I’d meet Ville eyes, or so I thought, he could be looking to the girl next to me, we were that close, it was hard to tell. But I’ll like to think he was looking at me. His eyes were sparkling and I was trying my best not to stare at him. He probably thought I was weird anyway. Weird as in thinking what I was doing here. I wasn’t jumping or yelling. I wasn’t singing every single word or trying to touch him. He probably thinks I’m stoned or something. That’s not how people act here. I was the odd ball. Again. I would give smile at him and turn my eyes to look at other members. Even though I was enjoying myself I was feeling out of place. I was sure other people thought that too. Who was this quiet girl at the front,? Right in front of their god no less and showing zero emotions.
It was funny when one fan threw the book on stage, apparently a gift for Ville. Instead of starting the next song he started reading it to all of us. It was some sadistic poetry and Ville seemed to like it. He got quite a few presents thrown on stage, one girl even gave him her bra, that amused him greatly.
Ali along with all others went a little bit mental when Funeral Of Hearts was the next song just after 7 others. Usually it was their closing song, so of course everyone freaked out. Ville apologized for that. I thought it was weird. Why would he apologize for changing the set list? I didn’t care in what order the songs were played. So far they played all my favorites, or at least the ones that I knew. I still haven’t had time to sit and properly listen to all the albums. Ali insisted I listen to the Greatest Hits that she put on cd herself saying that those songs were the most important ones and will most definitely will be played during live shows. She was right.
I felt someone nudging me in the ribs. It was Ali. “AND YOU DIDN’T WANNA GO!!”, she laughed. I winked at her took the water bottle she was holding out to me.
“Ok, right,” Ville turned to the crowd again, “we gonna end this night with something that we haven’t played for a long time. Hopefully it’ll work…. This song is dedicated to… all those…thirsty…broken hearts that ache… for resurrection. ”. The crowd went insane. And I got a chill run through my body. I knew this song all too well. It was my favorite song. And when I say favorite I don’t mean my favorite HIM song, it was by far my all time favorite. It was my favorite from the first time I heard it. It made me completely lose myself into my own little world. I felt like I was somewhere else when I listened to it, it almost felt like I was the song. Like I was every word and every note. With it I was, as druggies would call ‘tripping’. Ville seemed to be completely lost into it too. His eyes were closed and he had his hands in his jeans pockets. And words were flowing out of him in the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I don’t know why and why now but something clicked inside me. I started singing with him. I never sang before, not even when I was alone. I was just too embraced. I didn’t have good singing voice and I just thought I would butcher the song if I tried. But right now, I didn’t care…

There was a time when I could breath my life in you
And started to move
And I touched your face and all life was erased
You smile like an angel… Fallen from grace…

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He looked so beautiful. So majestic. So perfect. All of a sudden I could hear only his voice and it touched my very core, his words were burning right into my very soul. He was ripping his soul and giving it piece by piece to every single person in the crowd and I did the same. Except I was giving it all to him. In my head our voices sounded like one single voice. A beautiful melody of words…

We’ve been slaves to this love from the moment we touched
And keep begging for more of this resurrection

I opened my eyes and was met by his green ones. I knew this time that he was looking directly at me. He motioned something with his left hand either to the guitarist or one of the technicians but he never stopped looking at me. I didn’t stop singing with him. It was like we were serenading each other. Two strangers pouring each others souls out through the song…

We’ve been slaves to this love from the moment we touched
And keep begging for more of this resurrection

He didn’t move. I didn’t move. It looked like he didn’t even paid any attention to what he was singing. He knew the song by heart and so did I. It almost seemed that he wasn’t even blinking either. I had his full attention and he had mine and we both knew that…

And you kissed my lips with those once cold finger tips
You reached out for me and oh how you missed
You touched my face and all life was erased
You smile like an angel… Fallen from grace

I could hear my heart beating in my ears. It was the most surreal feeling ever. I sang every word and every note with. I wasn’t even sure if he could hear me but that didn’t matter. I was lost in the moment and I didn’t care about anything or anyone except for the man in front of me and his piercing gaze. Ville started to moan the part of the song and it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. He was grinding against his mic stand, his eyes still on me. I suddenly woke up from my daze like I was electrocuted. I could hear the people and the band around me again. I blinked few times and took my eyes off of Ville. I could feel my face burning up…

We’ve been slaves to this love from the moment we touched
And keep begging for more of this resurrection
We’ve been slaves to this love from the moment we touched
And keep begging for more of this resurrection

It felt like my heart was shaking my whole body. I looked at Ali and she was staring at me with wide eyes and mouth agape. I looked at Ville from the top of my eyes and he had his eyes closed again. Thank God for that, I don’t know what I would’ve done if he was still looking at me. Suddenly I felt like such a fool. I wanted to get out of here but the only way out was blocked.
I looked at the stage again. The song was over, the show was over. The band started jamming and Ville had his back to the crowd having a drink. He turned around and thanked everyone. “It was great pleasure. Thank you and see you soon again” He grabbed the gifts and a bottle of water and walked off the stage. He never looked back at me. The band was still jamming and the crowd was cheering. Some were asking for a repeat. Yet I just wanted to get out of here. I had enough embracement for one night. What was I thinking? I imagined that I was something special when Ville probably thought I was just trying to seduce him or something. Just another random groupie. Right now, I don’t think I would be able to go to the rest of the shows. If Ville recognizes me I’d be done for. But how to tell that to Ali?