When Lies Become the Truth

I sat there in frustration as I thought about the decision I was about to make. I had two options and it was now time to choose one of them. Neither option was ideal though. In fact they were both thoroughly effed up. My whole life was effed up though.

I sat contemplating which option I should go with when something my mother used to say popped into my head.

“Tra una roccia e un posto duro.” She’d always say when she was angry at my father. I could always tell when she was angry with him because she’d start speaking in Italian and she’d recite this saying at least once.

“Tra una roccia e un posto duro. Is this any way to live? No, it’s not.”

I never learned Italian even though it was part of my heritage but I could fully relate to the English translation.

Tra una roccia e un posto duro… Between a rock and a hard place.

I had never been good with making decisions and now I had to make one that would change my life forever. The outcome wouldn’t change; I had no control over that, but how I arrived at the outcome was what mattered.

They had been clear with me from the beginning. I would move out here until everything had settled down back home and then, once it was safe for me to come back, I would. I would go back home as if nothing had ever happened.

These past two years had happened though. Basically everything that wasn’t supposed to happen in these two years, everything they had warned me about, had happened.

I wasn’t supposed to be out here this long.

I wasn’t supposed to feel at home out here.

I wasn’t supposed to want to stay.

I wasn’t supposed to have any connections here.

I wasn’t supposed to have people who would miss me when I left.

Everything would have gone as planned; everything would have gone without a hitch if I hadn’t met him…

I entered the classroom and immediately headed my seat in the back of the room. “Don’t call any unnecessary attention to yourself” they had told me. I was following their directions. This was why I didn’t talk to anyone in any of my classes at ASU; why I hadn’t made any friends.

This was not what I expected my freshman year of college to be. I expected to go to a college of my choosing and to at least have a few friends. This was the complete opposite of what I had imagined though. I was forced to go to ASU which was across the country from the college of my dreams and I had no friends. The only people I talked to were the guy who worked at Starbucks and the old lady who was my landlord.

I put my ear buds into my ears and turned my IPod on. I figured if I listened to music then I may seem like the mysterious girl in the back instead of the awkward, friendless loser.

“You must really like music.”

I looked up to see a boy with intoxicating green eyes and brown hair turned around in his seat, looking at me.

“Excuse me?” I questioned as I put the music on pause.

The boy smiled at me and said, “You never talk to anyone in here. You just come in and immediately turn your IPod on. Every. Single. Day. I just figure you must really like music to do that.”

I was about to tell him about how I loved music. About how I wanted a career in it but I quickly remembered that I was supposed to be a different person and saying this might give me away. Anyway, I was currently majoring in math so a math major wanting to have a career in music would make no sense.

I just shrugged and said, “It’s easier, and safer, to listen to my music instead of talking to people. I feel awkward around new people and music makes me more comfortable.”

The boy stared at me for a few seconds before asking, “What are you so afraid of?”

I was taken aback by this question. Why couldn’t this boy just be like everyone else and ignore me? And how had he known that I was scared?

I answered his question anyway, “I’m afraid of making connections, of having someone remember me, of having someone care.”

“Well my name’s John O’Callaghan and, I hate to tell you, but you just made your first connection.”

I shook John’s outstretched hand and started, “I’m Au…” I quickly caught myself as I remembered that this wasn’t my name, at least for the time being. My mind blanked for a second on my new name and I had a mini panic attack before I remembered and said, “I’m Lucy. Lucy Paulson.”

“Well Lucy, since you like music so much you should check out my band.”

“You’re in a band?”

“Yes, I’m the lead singer for The Maine. We’re just starting out.”

“Are you any good?”

“Well the girlfriend of our guitarist, Kennedy, seems to think that we are.”

“Aren’t girlfriends usually biased?” I questioned.

John laughed and said, “Probably. Caroline’s brutally honest though. You should check us out anyway. Form your own opinions.”

Flash forward to present times and here I was. I had come to Arizona with the intention of making no connections here and I now had many thanks to the day I met John. John was my first connection, and my boyfriend of a year and a half. My next connections were the boys of his band: Kennedy, Jared, Garret, and Pat, who were now my friends also. My other connection was Caroline, Kennedy’s girlfriend, who quickly became my best friend.

I had thrown away all my good intentions thanks to John and I was now in this situation. I had to leave and go back home, my real home. There was no way around that. They had called me today and told me that it was time for me to go back home. I figured I could tell John the truth or I could just leave and never look back. I didn’t even know what the truth was though thanks to the tangle of lies my life had become. I couldn’t just leave either though. I loved John with all of my heart and I couldn’t bear the idea of causing him the heartache of leaving without a single word.

I eyed the quarter sitting on my table and picked it up.

“Heads is the rock; telling John the truth. Tails is the hard place; just leaving,” I whispered to myself.

I sighed and was about to flip the coin when a knock sounded at my door. I knew it was John and my stomach dropped. I needed at least another five minutes to figure out what to do. It looked like I was going to have to wing it though.

I opened the door and as soon as I saw his smile I burst into tears.

“Baby…Lucy, are you okay? Were finals really that bad? I’m glad I dropped out after freshman year if sophomore year was this bad for you.” John said as he wrapped his arms around me.

His hug just made everything worse. Of course he would think that I was upset about my finals.

I shook my head and said, “It’s not that.”

“Then what is it? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” John asked with worry in his voice.

I took a deep breath, ready to tell the truth and said, “John, I cheated on you.”

Were the fuck did that come from? That was nowhere near the truth. Add one more lie to the list I had told these past two years. I was so going to Hell.

John was strangely calm as he said, “What? With who?”

I thought of the name that would hurt John the most. If I was going to go through with this lie then I was going to go full out. “Kevin Roberts.” I said, mentioning a boy who had been in one of mine and John’s classes freshman year. Kevin had kept trying to steal me from John and John hated him.

“Why?” John asked, still calm, as he sat down.

I hated that John was being so calm about this. I wanted him to yell at me. I wanted him to call me a bitch, a whore. That wasn’t John though. Even when he was angry he stayed calm and levelheaded.

I shrugged and said, “He was there.”

John’s heart was breaking even more in front of me. He sighed though and said, “Ok, I’m obviously not happy about this but we’ll get through it. I still love you Lucy.”

The tears once again poured down my face as I screamed, “That’s just it though, John. I don’t want to work this out. I don’t love you. I would say that I fell out of love with you but I believe that’s impossible. Love’s too strong to just ‘fall out of.’ I guess that means I never did love you. Now I see that you weren't the one for me.”

“Then why did you date me for so long?” John said as a hint of anger finally found its way into his voice.

“You gave me social status. With you I wasn’t that awkward girl who sat in the back listening to music. I was Lucy, John O’Callaghan’s girlfriend. People finally knew who I was. I liked that.”

John stood there staring at me as he was at a loss for words.

I decided to continue, “I’m leaving Arizona. There’s nothing here for me anymore. There never was.”

John headed for the door but turned around and said, “I don’t believe that this relationship was just a deception. I believe you, at least some part of you, loved me and still do. I will always love you, Lucy Paulson.”

“Just forget about me John.”

He gave me one last look and nodded as he said, “That would probably be for the best.”

I then closed the door on the love of my life and sank to the floor crying. Knowing that I had broken him wasn’t what hurt me the most. Hearing him say “I love you Lucy Paulson” hurt me the most. I wanted him to call me by my real name. I wanted him to know the real me, the one behind all the lies. I wanted John and me to be together without this mess. I knew that was impossible though.

When they sent me to Arizona they had told me above all else to keep my true identity a secret. They had also been adamant about something else though.

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love.