Chex Mix

Dear Reader,

   Since the nurse's office day, I've had a week to think about my anorexia and how it's basically a different person entirely, completely separate from myself. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this so much, but why ever I am, in the end I give that newfound "other self" a name. I've heard of other people naming their anorexia, but somehow, this seems different; this feels special. I've named her Amy. And Amy is the only person who could ever understand why I am the way I am. 

   One day at school, I feel very sick because Amy wouldn't let me eat for two days, save a single cookie and a small helping of spaghetti at dinner two nights ago. So I ask to leave class, and am granted permission, and venture into the bathroom, where I lean against the door with my eyes closed while I take Amy's verbal abuse. 

   "Why did I let you eat breakfast this morning? If I could, I'd take it back. Matter of fact..."

   She instructs me to open my eyes. I do as I am told and I see a girl in the bathroom with me. She looks familiar. Then I realize that she was in the nurse's office with me and the four other kids. She smiles. I smile back. I remember my instructions from Amy, so my smile dissolves and I walk into the handicap bathroom stall and sit facing the toilet with my fingers poised at my gag reflex. Tears squeeze through my eyes shut tight as I almost stop myself when suddenly the fire alarm rips through my ear drums and makes me jump just enough to push my fingers far back in my throat.

   The noise of the fire alarm masks my choked coughs as I barf up bile and remnants of the cookie I ate this morning. It tastes so terrible, I barf again. Then I wipe my mouth and my eyes and flush and step from the stall. I give the girl, who's still there, a questioning look and she shrugs in response. I shrug back and sit on the wall between the sink and stalls. 

   "I'm Dessi," I try to say over the noise, but my voice is still very weak from retching up my stomach. She doesn't seem to hear me. "Dessi," I say louder.

   She doesn't compute what I'm trying to say at first, but something flipped a switch in her brain and she replied with a loud, "Ananda...." She holds up a baggie of carrot sticks. "Carrot?"

   Amy says no way, Jose. But I tell her I deserve at least a carrot stick. So I shrug and take one. "Thanks," I say around the carrot, nibbling because I'm honestly not hungry, I'm taking it to be polite.

   There is suddenly wailing and loud stomping coming from the hallway. Ananda and I five each other freaked out looks, and leave the bathroom to see what's going on. And the two boys running down the hall, flailing their arms, run right into us. And by the two boys, I mean one, and by us, I mean me. So I'm under one of them, flailing my own arms, and he gets up crying, "Aw, crap!" and offers me a hand.

   I reject it and stand up on my own after saying "What the hell?" at the same time he spoke.

   Then I look at the two boys: they're also from the nurse's office. The one who fell on me is Beiber-boy, and the other one is "Twinkle Toes". 

   Twinkle Toes and Ananda seem like they know each other, so they talk while I start yelling at Beiber-boy about how he needs to watch here he's flipping going.

   Suddenly he's yelling he's sorry and running away. Ananda and Twinkle Toes follow suit. 

   "Why the hell are you running?" 
 
  I was trying to talk to Beiber.

   And now we're outside and Beiber trips and falls over a girl sitting next to a boy, who are both from the office once I get a good look at them. He mumbles into the grass and turns over. 

   "Seth?" asks the girl, who I've recently nicknamed Naturally Skinny, as I'm sure you remember. And the boy is Owen. Wow. Owen's talking to someone.