Only In It For A Minute

I pressed play on my iTunes for about the hundredth time. I may as well have just put the damn song repeat the amount of times I kept going back and starting the song again. With my laptop wedged between my stomach and my knees, I was curled up at one end of the couch, almost in my own world. I should have been sorting all my stuff ready to get on the road with A Rocket To The Moon again, but curiosity had finally got the better of me. Three days ago when I had received an email from John with a song as an attachment and just the words ‘I’m sorry’, I had ignored it and let it sit in my inbox, the song unheard. But as I stayed in the apartment on my own, the part of me that wanted to hear the song had won and I finally opened it and let it play.

My phone vibrated next to me, again. It had gone off several times and each time I had just pressed the lock button without even looking at it so I couldn’t see what was on the screen.

The more I listened the song, the closer I pulled my knees towards me. I rested my head against the back of the couch and my eyes began to close as I took in all the words John was singing. I couldn’t believe he’d even had the nerve to write this song, let alone send it to me. Typical John, couldn’t say what he wanted to out loud to me so he put it in a song, as if that would solve everything. I set my laptop down on the couch next to me and left the song playing, as I got up and walked into my bedroom. I had began to pack slowly over the past couple of days, although I’d never really unpacked from my trip back to England. Halvo was coming to meet me in LA tonight before we flew to New York to meet up with the rest of the guys. As I walked from room to room picking up the last few things I need to put in my bags, I had put the song on repeat and left it playing.

“So you got the song then?”

“JEEZ!” I shouted on hearing his voice and seeing John sat on the couch next to my laptop. I had literally jumped out of my own skin. “I hadn’t heard you come in,” I said, once my heartbeat slowed down from the shock.

“Sorry, I didn’t know whether to knock or just use my key,” he shrugged.

“No, it’s your apartment too, it would have been weird if you had knocked,” I told him. We continued to stare at each other for a minute or so, until the tension became too awkward and I looked down at the floor so I didn’t have to look at his eyes anymore.

“I’m sorry, Tash.” he finally said, breaking the silence.

“So I understand,” I replied quietly. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because I miss you. Because I’m a dick,” he half smirked.

“Yeah, I got your note too,” I sighed. “John, look, you can come here and say all this shit and whatever, but that doesn’t mean anything if you don’t change your actions.”

“You think I don’t know that? That’s what I’m trying to prove” he asked, finally standing up from his seat. “I want to make it up to you, Tash, I love you so much and I know how much I fucked things up for up at the end of that last tour and I really am so sorry for that. I honestly don’t know what go into me. I have never had anyone want to stay with me for so long and I didn’t know what it was like to actually have that. I’ve made my mistakes and I admit that but I’m only human, you have to understand that I no matter what I said before, I honestly do love you and I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. In fact, I don’t think I really knew what love was until I met you.”

He spouted this all out in a jumble but unlike the last time he gave me a speech like this, I knew that today he wasn’t intoxicated. These were his words as he meant them to be.

“Are you finished?” I asked.

“For now, yes, but if you want me to tell you how much I love you some more, then no I’m not finished because I could go on all night with that,” he smiled. “All your little habits, like picking your nail polish off when you’re nervous, people watching whenever you’re in public, even how much you fidget. I know everything about you and I love it all.”

I stood and stared at him as he continued to talked. I still loved him, there was no doubt about it. Whatever had gone on between us over the past few weeks still didn’t make sense to me, but like he said, he knew everything about me and in return I knew everything about him and his habits and we loved each other in spite of this.

“Tash, please say something,” he pleaded.

I thought for a few more seconds before looking him direct in the eye and taking a deep breath, “You still love me?” I asked.

“More than I can ever tell you,” he said. “What about you?”

“John, my heart has ached for you every night we’ve been apart. My life just isn’t the same without you around,” I began to explain. “Of course I still love you. I never wanted us to part, but since we have been, I know that you’re a part of me now and I am just not the same without you around.”

“It’s funny, I spoke to Lizzie and she said the same thing about you.”

“You spoke to Lizzie?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah, I wanted to make sure you were OK so I got in contact with her but I asked her not to say anything,” he explained.

“Why?”

He shrugged and looked at his feet, “I don’t know, I mean, I didn’t know how you would react if you knew I was checking on you.”

Suddenly, I couldn’t take it any more. My feet began to move and I rushed over to where he was and wrapped my arms tightly around him as I felt his go around me and pull my closer to his chest. The tears began to fall down my chest and onto his shirt as we stood there.

“I am so so sorry, Tash, I don’t know what was wrong with me. I should never have let you leave on your own and I’m sorry for everything I said,” he said, and as he spoke I lifted my head to look at him and could see tears in his eyes as well. “I love you.”

As he said the last words, I stood up and pressed my lips to his. Lips I hadn’t kissed in what seemed like forever, but as soon as I felt them against mine, I felt a huge sense of relief. Like finally, what had been missing for so long had returned. It was like the life that been sucked out of me was back. All just because of one kiss from John.