A World of Fiction
One a.m. forget-me-nots.
Is this what my life has come to? Saying ‘I love you’ to people who aren’t there at one in the morning? Being up at one in the morning to see that person on a TV rerun? Cutting myself and pretending that he’s there to make sure the blade isn’t going too deep? Pretending people I don’t even know are holding me and kissing me? That they love me and actually give a damn?
It’s so pathetic. It’s so damned stupid. It’s nothing worth living for, wasted dreams and pretend lovers. There is no merit in a world of fiction when you’re living it, when you can’t close the book and end it. Why live when the world you’re living in doesn’t exist?
I cut myself, Ryan. I cut myself twenty-one times. Do you care? Did you call me your baby girl and pull me close, kissing my forehead and telling me you loved me? No. Not really. It’s a fictional world. It doesn’t happen. It just keeps me going. It makes me feel, but it’s not real. You’re not here.
And Brendon, you’re not holding me and kissing me. You don’t call Ryan on your Sidekick when he’s missing and put him on speaker so you and I can talk to him and tell him we love him. You’re not fucking me. You’re not saying my name. You’re not in love with me. You’re not telling me not to die.
It’s a fictional world. It’s Dreamworld. It’s not real. It’s just beautiful. You’re not here. You’re just beautiful.
And I’m so sick I begin to believe, just hoping you could love me and take away some of this hurt and some of this pain. I start to believe in a world of fiction. I start to believe you can help me and hold me and whisper secrets in my ear to bring me back.
I live in a world of fiction. If you read this you would either pity me or think I’m an insain freak. You wouldn’t love me. You wouldn’t care. That’s why I live in a world of fiction. It’s safer here. You love me here. I might cry red here, but the red is beautiful and after I cry you’re there to hold me.
You don’t love me in the real world, but you do here in a world of fiction. Fictional kisses and fictional beds. Make-believe love and fantasy lovers. Imaginary sex and nonexistent conversations.
And here’s a secret: I don’t love you there either, only in this world of fiction.
It’s so pathetic. It’s so damned stupid. It’s nothing worth living for, wasted dreams and pretend lovers. There is no merit in a world of fiction when you’re living it, when you can’t close the book and end it. Why live when the world you’re living in doesn’t exist?
I cut myself, Ryan. I cut myself twenty-one times. Do you care? Did you call me your baby girl and pull me close, kissing my forehead and telling me you loved me? No. Not really. It’s a fictional world. It doesn’t happen. It just keeps me going. It makes me feel, but it’s not real. You’re not here.
And Brendon, you’re not holding me and kissing me. You don’t call Ryan on your Sidekick when he’s missing and put him on speaker so you and I can talk to him and tell him we love him. You’re not fucking me. You’re not saying my name. You’re not in love with me. You’re not telling me not to die.
It’s a fictional world. It’s Dreamworld. It’s not real. It’s just beautiful. You’re not here. You’re just beautiful.
And I’m so sick I begin to believe, just hoping you could love me and take away some of this hurt and some of this pain. I start to believe in a world of fiction. I start to believe you can help me and hold me and whisper secrets in my ear to bring me back.
I live in a world of fiction. If you read this you would either pity me or think I’m an insain freak. You wouldn’t love me. You wouldn’t care. That’s why I live in a world of fiction. It’s safer here. You love me here. I might cry red here, but the red is beautiful and after I cry you’re there to hold me.
You don’t love me in the real world, but you do here in a world of fiction. Fictional kisses and fictional beds. Make-believe love and fantasy lovers. Imaginary sex and nonexistent conversations.
And here’s a secret: I don’t love you there either, only in this world of fiction.
♠ ♠ ♠
After writing this, I retreated to Dreamworld and read it aloud to Ryan and Brendon.