You Can't Tell Me to Heal

I didn’t have very long, but the quick flight to Arizona was worth it. The guys complained I was having girlfriend withdrawal and just all around wasn’t myself lately, so they all pitched in and got me a round trip from Canada to Arizona for the day. I don’t know how Garrett, Kennedy, and Jared did it – survived tour without their girls, I mean. Garrett said they were both busy anyway, and they understood that, so they both were fine just doing their own thing. Jared said he and Chloe pretty much did the same thing that me and Avery did, but less frequently. Kennedy said he and Megan weren’t all that serious yet, so they just called or texted every now and then. They all shared the general “Make-contact-at-least-once-a-week” rule. For me, it was “Make-contact-at-least-once-a-day”. But, they knew Avery and I had been longer together, so they understood why I missed her to death. Pat was the only unaffected one, lucky bastard.

The flight couldn’t have been short enough for me. I was so excited, even though I was kind of tired from the time difference. Once I arrived, Austin picked me up and took me to my apartment so I could freshen up. He’d also be dropping me off at the airport again tonight, but I could drive in my own car now. After showering and throwing on some clothes, I drove to Avery’s house.

I had big plans for us for today. Well, not really, but I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. It’s been too long. I parked in her driveway and got out of the car, killing the engine. I trotted up to her front steps and rang the doorbell, pulling off my sunglasses and trying not to grin too widely. I heard the doorknob turning, but when it opened, Avery’s mom was at the door. “Hello, Mrs. Lassiter,” I greeted her, my smile faltering just a bit. I wanted to surprise Avery. I wanted to see the way her face lit up with that smile of hers. “Is, um, Avery here?”

“John, right?” she said hesitantly, holding her hand out to me. She looked so frail and pale, but she was still smiling. I nodded, taking and firmly shaking her hand. “Come in, come in!”

I followed her in, arching my eyebrow at the suitcases and boxes that littered the foyer. “Going somewhere, Mrs. Lassiter?”

She paused at one of the suitcases and sighed, taking an envelope off the top of it. “Come sit down and let’s talk, John,” she sighed, shuffling into the kitchen.

I felt kind of nervous now, but sat down with her at the kitchen table. Hard to believe just a few months ago I beat up a burglar in here. “Is everything alright, Mrs. Lassiter? How have you been feeling?”

“Everything’s fine, John. I’m feeling much better, thank you for asking…” she trailed off, looking out the window blankly as she flipped the envelope around in her hands. “John…I must ask you – how do you feel about my daughter?” Oh, shit. It was that speech. “Please be honest. Express your emotions in any way you can. I won’t be offended by your language, I promise.”

I laughed nervously, staring hard at the wood of the table. “Well, Mrs. Lassiter…I don’t think I’ve felt this way about any other girl before. Avery…I-I love her. I don’t know any words that would accurately describe how much I need her in my life.”

Mrs. Lassiter’s eyes narrowed and turned critical. “Do you love her because you need her, or need her because you love her?”

I had to think about that for a few minutes. “Right now…I don’t know the answer to that.”

Mrs. Lassiter’s eyes darkened and she sighed, like I gave the wrong answer or something. “Avery’s with her friend Shannon right now,” she told me, getting up. I quickly got to my feet, too. She handed me the envelope. “Here’s some light reading material,” she scoffed, heading to the garage. “You can wait for Avery in her room. Tell her I went to Barnes and Noble.”

She left before I could say anything else to her. I texted Shannon while I headed up the stairs.

[Hey bring my girlfriend to her house right now please! Don’t tell her I’m here :D]

[I got you John Oh!]

I grinned down at my phone and opened Avery’s door without looking, but I looked up when I saw how empty her room was. There was nothing in it anymore but her sheet-less, pillow-less bed and cleared desk. I swallowed hard, looking around her room, opening her closet and bathroom. Everything was cleaned and emptied out. The envelope in my shaking hands had my name on it, so I ripped it open.

John...
By the time you read this, I’ll be halfway across the world. I’m so sorry, but I knew I couldn’t do this in person because I knew you’re the only one who could convince me to stay. My mom asked me to live with my father and his family for a year. It kills me that I wasn’t here when you came home, and that you had to come home to this. Please don't be angry.
Don’t yell at Halvo for not stopping me. I only left to make my mom happy. She hasn’t been the same after getting shot, and I don’t want to stress her out and mess with her health any more than usual. All these excuses for leaving are just that – excuses. If I had a choice, I never would have left. Arizona is home, because Arizona is where you are.
I’m coming back, I promise. I’ll understand if you don’t want me by then, but please understand that this is something I had to do for my mom. I can't keep writing this, can you tell from where the ink is running with my tears? I'm not saying goodbye, I'm saying see you soon. I suck at goodbyes, and at writing letters.
I love you more than you will ever know.
-Avery

I sat down on the bed, feeling sick to my stomach. Was that question from her mom some kind of test? Maybe if I answered right, she wouldn't have given me Avery's letter. Maybe she would have crumpled it up and called Avery's dad for me and just straight up told him "Fuck you, my daughter is staying with me in Arizona." Or something.

Anything to keep Avery here with me.

I cradled my head in my hands and got back up to pace around, feeling lightheaded. Damn, I flew all the way out here to have her fly away? I heard the door open behind me, a soft gasp signaling I was no longer alone. "What's going on, Avery?" I asked, hands clenched into fists.

I got no response, so I turned around. Avery’s eyes were watering. “You’re here…”

“I flew out here on our one off day for the rest of the month to be with you,” I sighed, tiredly rubbing my face. I couldn’t stay mad at her for longer than a few seconds at best, and I certainly didn’t want to be the reason for her tears. “And I…And I…Ugh.”

“I’m sorry,” Avery whispered, staring at the floor.

I sighed and walked up to her, wrapping my arms around her. “I didn’t come here for this bullshit, I came here for you,” I murmured into her ear as she slowly hugged me back. “We can still talk and stuff, right? When you…”

“Yeah, but it won’t be the same,” Avery sighed, pressing her face to my chest. “Why can’t you be mad at me? Be angry, be pissed that I tried to leave without telling you!” Avery was sobbing now, and slapping my chest.

I sighed and gently gathered her wrists in mine. “Hate is such a heavy burden. I’d rather stick with love.” Avery was trembling with her tears, but at least she stopped trying to hit me now. “I love you, Avery,” I murmured before tilting her chin up so I could kiss her. I could barely last the length of tour without her, what more with a year? The thought only made me kiss her harder. I’d better enjoy this while I can.

Avery must have been thinking the same thing, because the next thing I knew, she was pushing me onto her bed...