Broken Minds

Gabe stepped closer to William, reaching out to touch one of his arms. When he was close enough he wrapped his fingers around William’s left wrist and pulled the arm up to look at it better. His mouth kept opening and closing, obviously wanting to say something but not sure where to start. What could he say when faced with the truth? What was the right thing to say?

“I’m sorry,” William whispered, trying to break the intolerable silence.

“What the fuck?” Gabe held tighter to the wrist, turning the arm over to inspect it closer.

“You’re hurting me.” William’s voice was quiet but even.

“I’m hurting you?” Gabe’s voice was filled with disbelief. “Look at yourself and tell me I’m the one hurting you.” William looked down at his own arm which was still held tightly in Gabe’s hand. “I-I just. Fuck. William.” Gabe couldn’t even get the words out. With that, Gabe dropped the arm and headed for the bedroom door. “Put some clothes on,” was all he said as he walked out of the room. It had been a long time since Gabe had ever used his full first name, and the sting felt worse to Bill than the cuts on his arm.

William quickly dressed and threw on a long sleeve shirt to cover his body again. He hastily wiped at a stray tear as he exited his room. He saw Gabe standing in the doorway of the kitchen. All he could think was at least Gabe hadn't left. He made his way slowly to where Gabe stood. As he got closer Gabe moved out of the way and pointed to a chair at the table. William quickly sat down in it as Gabe stood across from him, leaning against the counter, his arms crossed tightly over his chest.

“Has this been going on just as long?” Gabe got right to the questions.

“Just about.” Looking at Gabe's face, William wished he could take it all back now.

“Why? What’s it doing for you?” Gabe’s voice wasn’t soft anymore and William couldn’t blame him for that.

“Started so that I could take my mind off my hunger.” William couldn’t believe how bad that sounded. He'd always been able to justify it in his own thoughts, when there was no one around to question him or what he was doing.

Gabe stood there not saying a thing. William could see him take a deep breath as he brought his hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. Gabe shook his head briefly, trying to sort through everything in his mind. He looked up with another deep breath and closed his eyes as he brought his hand back down, both of his hands now gripping the edge of the counter for support.

“I can’t believe you William. Why didn’t you tell me this yesterday? You are doing things to yourself I never thought you would. I thought you were stronger than all this. What happened? Why the fuck did you let one person mess you up so much? You are wrecking yourself and I don’t now how to help you now. You are worse than I thought. You realize you’re doing more than hurting yourself, right? You’re hurting me, William. I love you to pieces and here you are wasting away right in front of me. And I can’t fucking stop it. I don’t want to lose you.” Gabe stopped a minute to breathe, to wipe at a tear threatening to fall. William sat there, trying to take in everything Gabe just said.

“All I saw when you were standing there was nothing but skin and bone. You always looked healthy, even though you were so thin. Come on, you know I’m the same way. And no matter what anyone says I never believe I’m fat. I would never starve myself, much less mar my skin. William, you are beautiful. You realize all those cuts are going to leave scars. What are your fans going to think when they see them? That it’s okay to cut? Because its not. It’s not and I know you know that. Your fans look up to you for guidance. Help yourself if you won’t let anyone else help you. I don’t want to lose what’s left of you. I love you too much for that to happen.” Gabe wiped at the tears now falling from his eyes. “I love you, Bilvy.”

Those last four words were so soft and kind, and that was all it took to break William. He dropped to his knees before Gabe and held onto him before looking up at him, tears falling from his eyes.

“I’m sorry Gabe. I’m so sorry. I love you. Please don’t leave me. I’m sorry,” he kept repeating. Gabe ran his fingers through William’s hair, trying to quiet the pleading boy. “I’ll make it up to you. Whatever you want.” With that William went for the button on Gabe’s jeans. He managed to get them undone and pull the fly down before Gabe realized what was going on. Gabe placed his hands on top of William’s shaky ones, removing them from his jeans. He did his jeans back up and kneeled down to be even with the sobbing boy. He placed his hands on his cheeks and pulled him in close for a bruising kiss.

“I’m not going to leave you. And I will not let you go down on me. You are in no way in the right place mentally to be doing that,” Gabe stated after breaking the kiss. He wiped the tears away with the pads of his thumbs as he put his forehead against William’s. They stayed kneeling on the floor, Gabe holding tightly to William until neither of them could feel their legs anymore.

When they finally stood up, Gabe made his way into the living room with William trailing behind. Gabe sat down on the couch and looked at William while he decided what to do. He eventually sat down next to Gabe heavily, but not as heavy as it should have been.

“Come here.” Gabe grabbed the other’s arm and pulled him onto his lap. William, hurting like a child, curled up as best as he could. He pulled his feet up next to Gabe’s legs and leaned down, placing his head on Gabe’s shoulder. He tucked his arms in close to his own chest hiding them, making himself appear smaller than he actually was.

They sat in silence again, neither knowing what to say or where to start. Gabe could feel the shaky breaths the younger man was taking and could feel his shirt getting wet. He didn’t have to see William’s face to know he was crying.

“Shh,” Gabe softly whispered. “It’s going to be fine.” He started rubbing soothing circles on William’s back, trying to calm him back down. “You’ll be fine.” With a heavy sigh he added, “We’ll be fine.”

William looked up at Gabe with blood shot eyes. “I’m sorry,” he choked out. Gabe wiped at the tears still sliding down wet cheeks.

“I know Bilvy. I know.” Gabe placed his hand on the back of William’s head laying it back down to his shoulder and hugged him that much tighter.

They stayed that way into early evening, when William finally started calming down. Gabe wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep on his lap or not. He moved just the slightest bit to look back down at William’s face. His eyes were closed, but his breathing wasn’t even like if he were sleeping. William moaned and sat up a little more on Gabe’s shoulder. William took the hint to move when Gabe gave William's shoulder the slightest push

“Not that I don’t enjoy you sitting on me like that, it’s just I need to piss.” Gabe smirked and got up and made his way into the bathroom. He came back out in record time. William looked at him with a cocked eyebrow.

“Did you even have time to piss?” William’s voice held a slight amount of amusement.

“I had to go bad. For like the past 2 hours.” Gabe made his way into the kitchen to grab a bite to eat.

“You could have told me to move. You know that right?” William’s voice carried into the room Gabe was currently.

“You looked like you were sleeping. I didn’t want to bother you.” His voice grew quieter when William appeared in the doorway.

“I was.” Gabe just shook his head at the boy.

“You want anything while I’m here?” Gabe pointed to the refrigerator.

“No, I’m good.” William leaned heavily against the doorframe.

“Not going to continue to starve yourself right?” The warning was obvious in Gabe's voice, and he held a stern look on his face.

William shook his head. He was at least going to try not to. They knew it was going to be hard, but they had to try. Gabe wasn’t going to force William to eat. He wasn’t going to hold him down and start to shove food into his mouth. He was against doing that. He knew William needed to take those first steps. If he forced William into it, he'd only get retaliation in return.

He sat down at the table, eating the snack he got himself. William joined him at the table with a bottle of water. Gabe looked at him with a sad smile, wishing he could have got to William sooner and found out earlier than he did. He wished he had seen the signs. They sat there in pure silence.

That night Gabe decided to shower before lying down in bed. While in there with the hot water, pouring over his body he started thinking. Some of the cuts on William’s wrist looked fresh, like he had just done them. He went over the timeline in his head, and realized William must have made them while in the bathroom before his shower. That meant whatever William was using had to be in the bathroom.

He quickly dried off and wrapped his towel around his waist, very much the same way William had earlier when he had thought Gabe was gone. He opened the door and a chill washed over him from the steamy heat escaping the closed off room. William was sitting on the couch, the top of his head barely visible over the back of the couch.

“Bill,” Gabe called. He got the other’s attention straight away and he sat up and turned around to see the man standing in the doorway of the bathroom in only a towel.

“Yeah?” William answered.

“Come here please.” Gabe watched as William slowly stood and made his way over to where he stood. His eyes held the question of 'what do you want' before he ever was asked. “I was just thinking while in the shower.”

“You do that a lot?” William teased.

“I’m serious.”

William’s small smile faded quickly.

“I know some of those cuts are new. And I know you must have made them while in here earlier today.” William didn’t like where this was leading. Fear started to build up in his chest, making it more difficult to breath. “What did you use? I know it’s in here somewhere.”

William sighed and hung his head. He wasn’t sure he was ready to give it all up so easily. However, he knew Gabe was right and it needed to be done. Gabe stepped aside and let the boy into the now cooled off room. William stood in front of the sink and looked in the mirror, locking eyes with Gabe. Taking a shaky breath he knelt down and reached into the cabinet and with a trembling hand pulled out the piece of broken plate.

Gabe’s eyes grew at the sight of what he had been using. He couldn’t believe it. Gabe carefully took it out of William’s still unstable hand. He turned it over and looked at it just that much more closely. There were traces of his blood still on it. Gabe felt like he would be sick. He sucked in a quick deep breath to steady his anxiousness and calm himself down.

William looked up through his hair into the mirror at Gabe, trying to gauge his reaction. Gabe looked nothing less than shocked. His heart fell at the sight of Gabe staring horrified at his blood on the broken piece of plate. He could see how heavy Gabe was breathing by the rise and fall of his chest.

Without a word, Gabe made his way into the kitchen and threw the shard away. William could hear it hit with a clink at the bottom of the trashcan. Gabe looked back to William who still stood in the bathroom doorway with his head hung. Slowly, he made his way back over to the younger man and placed his hands on his shoulders.

“Look at me,” Gabe said. “Please?” His voice was soft and William lifted his head to look Gabe in the eyes. “I love you and don’t want to see you hurt yourself anymore. I had to do that for you.” William nodded tears shining in his eyes. Gabe placed his hands on the boy’s cheeks and pulled him in for a soft kiss.

After pulling back, he made his way into the bedroom and put on a pair of boxers. He crawled under the covers and patted the spot next to him for William to lie. Hesitantly, William made his way over to the bed and slipped his jeans off. He planned to leave his shirt on but Gabe shook his head then tugged at the shirt

“But --” William started, but was cut off by Gabe.

“I already know no use in hiding them from me.” Gabe’s voice was still quiet but firm.

With a sigh, he removed the shirt and lied down next to Gabe. The coldness of the sheets hitting his skin was more than he was used to and it caused a shiver to run through his body. Gabe noticed and moved closer to the boy, hugging William's body close to his own to share his warmth. Gabe continued to lie there, awake and holding onto William’s thin, frail frame. When he finally felt the other’s breathing even out he allowed himself to fall asleep

Gabe woke up in the morning still holding onto William, his breathing still soft and even. Looking at him William, all Gabe could think of was how much he looked like an angel. An angel that was hurting something terrible and he couldn’t stop it. An angel that was so broken and beaten down by his own hand, his own mind. Gabe was still in shock from what he had discovered over the last two days about his angel.

With a quiet moan, William stirred and stretched before turning onto his back. Gabe’s hand moved and rested now on his stomach. He could feel how much his hand was sitting down below the ribs of the younger man; his stomach was beyond flat when he lay on his back. It was almost too much, and he thought of moving his hand but then decided against it not wanting to hurt the man he loved like he knew that would.

William shivered with the chill in the room on his half uncovered body. As a result he turned toward Gabe and tucked his arms up to his chest as he snuggled closer to the warmth next to him. Gabe pulled him closer after pulling the blankets up to their shoulders. William had his head tucked down against Gabe’s chest, still ashamed from the previous day.