Hopeless Desires

*One week later*

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay home?” I asked for the millionth time.

Carter was complaining about feeling a little sick a few days ago. Both of us blew it under the rug, thinking he was just getting a cold of some sort. Little did we know it was more than your common cold. The little symptoms that started not long ago quickly advanced. He was now bedridden with a high fever of 101; his skin clammy and sweaty. He doesn’t seem to be able to keep anything down and he hasn’t slept in two days from having to get up and go to the bathroom so many times. The flu was a nasty bug that was now raging through Carter’s system.

“Chesna, I’ll be fine.”

“No, I can’t leave you when you’re so sick. I’ll just postpone this trip home,” I said, pulling my phone out of my the front pocket of my shorts. I began dialing Amber’s number, my fingers gliding over the screen of my iPhone.

Carter placed his hand on mine, stopping me. “Don’t do that. It’s been too long since you’ve gone back home and everyone there is already really excited. I’ll be okay. Kyle and Erin agreed to come over and take care of me, right? You just go have fun and tell everyone I said hi,” Carter mumbled, grabbing my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“You’re absolutely positive?” I asked him again, complete doubt in my voice.

He chuckled quietly, “I’m so positive it’s ridiculous.” Had I not been so worried, I probably would have smiled but my thoughts kept thinking of the worst scenarios and my body felt heavy with the guilt and hesitance of leaving.

“Even when you’re sick your jokes are horrible,” I said, moving his sandy colored hair from his sticky forehead.

“Hey, don’t make fun of me,” he pouted, jutting out his bottom lip. “I’m sick. You should be babying me.”

I heard a knock at the front door, stopping me from making fun of Carter any further. “I’ll be right there!” I called out. “Last chance. Just say the word and I’ll cancel my flight.”

“Baby, I’ll be fine. I promise. Go have fun with your family.”

“Okay, but if you need me or you get worse, do not hesitate to call. I mean it, Carter.”

“I promise I will call you if I need you,” he said, smiling at me. He had dark circles under his eyes from being up all night and I could tell all he wanted to do was sleep. I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“Feel better,” I said. He nodded in response and gave my hand one more squeeze before rolling over and burying himself under our blankets. I turned off the lights and headed out of our bedroom, quietly closing the door behind me, leaving it open a crack just in case he needed to call for Kyle or Erin.

I fast walked to the front door and opened it, allowing Erin and Kyle to walk in. Both of them stepped through the doorway wearing those mouth masks doctors wear, along with yellow kitchen gloves and rain boots. I quirked an eyebrow at them and tried to stifle my laugh as best as I could. I closed the door and leaned up against it, bringing a hand up to cover my mouth and prevent the giggle that was pressing to escape from escaping.

“We’re here to take care of your sick boyfriend,” Kyle said, pulling his mouth mask down. “Our goal though is to avoid getting sick as well.”

“I can see that. But can I just ask, what the hell are those rain boots going to do?” I asked, pointing down to the matching black and white checkered boots they were wearing.

Kyle turned his attention to Erin, a peeved look on his face. “See! I told you these rain boots wouldn’t protect us!”

“Seriously? You thought rain boots were going to prevent you from getting sick?” I bursted out laughing, unable to hold back any longer. Erin pulled her mouth mask down and smacked my arm, stomping her foot as I continued to laugh.

“Don’t make fun of me! I’m here to take care of your pukey boyfriend, you bitch!” She said, glaring at me.

My laughter calmed down, my shoulders shaking slightly as I held back. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Really, I do appreciate this you guys.”

“You owe us!” Erin said.

“Two giant cupcakes from Margret’s and a smoothie from Jamba Juice, each,” Kyle said, Erin nodding in agreement.

“Deal,” I said, shaking each of their hands. I looked at the digital clock above the stove in the kitchen and cursed under my breath. I grabbed my black JanSport backpack from off the couch and slipped it over my shoulders. “Kyle, you’re going to pick up my car from the airport tomorrow, right?” I asked him. I didn’t want it to be sitting there for weeks, in fear that someone would break into it or I would get a ticket.

“Yes, ma’am,”

“Okay, good. Alright, I have to go,” I said, turning to them. I gave each of them a big hug, promising I’d give them a call when I had the chance.

“Have fun, Chey,” Erin said as I grabbed my two suit cases from next to the door. I waved, walking out of my apartment and heading to the elevator.

I was nervous and excited at the same time. I couldn’t wait to see my family and all my old friends and be around everything that made my childhood so great. There wasn’t one thing that I didn’t miss about New York. I lived in California, and loved every minute of it, but New York was my home. I always knew I would go back eventually. I never planned on staying in California forever, and I still don’t. It was just an experience that I needed and gave me a chance to feel independent. I don’t ever want to settle for the life I live because I will only be able to enjoy it once.

At the time I decided to leave New York, I felt it was my only option. The people, the familiarity, the continuous routine, all made me feel like I was suffocating. Sometimes leaving a place gives you more of a reason to miss and love it. I didn’t want to be one of those who simply just wished and regretted. I wanted to put actions to my words and I did just that. Nothing about the decision to move was easy, but it was the right decision for me at the time. Now I want nothing more than to finally return to New York, even if it is only for a short while.

But as much as I desired to finally be home and be around old friends and family, I couldn’t shake this feeling.

This gut feeling that I couldn’t ignore but did my best to push to the back of my mind. The one that your parents always told you to follow because most of time, it would lead you in the right direction. Usually I listen to it, but this one time I choose to label it as simply just nerves, was the one time I wish I had listened.