Dance With the Devil

I thought I was going to lose control of my car, multiple times. I didn’t know if it was because I was partly blinded by the tears in my eyes, or from the rain crashing down on the road. My mind was all over the damn place right now. I knew it wasn’t a good idea for me to be driving like this, but I couldn’t stay there. Though, even though I left, I couldn’t stop picturing Nick and that girl together. It just kept playing like a bad movie over and over again in my head. My mind was more focused on that than driving, and I knew I shouldn’t be on the road for much longer. I didn’t want to go home though. I didn’t want to deal with my mother in the condition that I was. I wanted to go to Aubrey’s, but she was at her father’s house tonight, which was a way’s away from Denver. So, I quickly made a sharp turn and zoomed down the road to Eli’s house.

I didn’t bother calling or telling him that I was coming. I knew Eli well, and I knew that if I needed him, he would be there. That was the kind of relationship that he and I had; we were like brother and sister in that way.

I nearly crashed into his mailbox trying to Parallel Park in front of his house. I turned my car off and got out. I quickly scurried to his porch; the rain was beating down on the earth it seemed. I somewhat banged on his door. As I waited for someone to answer the door, I noticed that neither or his parents’ cars were there, and I was somewhat thankful. I didn’t want to make a big scene in front of more people than I had to. After a minute, Eli answered the door, only to see me standing there drenching wet, with watery eyes and makeup smeared all down my face. He looked at me wide eyed and his mouth hung open. He stared at me like I was a zombie, though I couldn’t blame him. I probably looked like one.

“Karlee? What happened?” I sniffled. I was cold and still shaken up.

“Can I come in?” I didn’t speak very loud either. He automatically moved out of the way for me to come in.

“Of course, but you’ve got to tell me what the hell happened.” I walked in with my arms around myself. He quickly closed the door behind me. I was about to sit down on the couch when I remembered how wet I was. I looked over at him quietly.

“Uhm, do you have any dry clothes I can wear?” He stared at me for a little bit, probably trying to figure out for himself what happened, but eventually he nodded and motioned for me to follow him upstairs.

He brought me into his room, and started to parade through his drawers for something that I could wear. Eventually, he pulled out an old band shirt and a pair of black sweatpants and handed them to me. “Here.” He scratched the back of his neck. “You’re kinda on your own for uh, undergarments though.” I smiled at him softly.

“That’s alright. Thank you.” He nodded. I turned around back into his hallway and walked down to the bathroom. I took off all my wet clothes and hung them over the shower to try. I slipped on the sweatpants and was about to put the shirt on when I noticed what was on it. It was the old Warped Tour shirt from 2009, the first concert Eli and I ever went to together. I smiled to myself, simply remembering, and then slipped it on over my head. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a complete train wreck. Makeup had smeared all over my face and eyes, and my hair was drenched. More than a little discomforted by my appearance, I took a washcloth and wiped all of my makeup off completely. I hated how I looked without makeup, but I had no choice at the moment. As for my hair, I simply tied it up and pushed my bangs to the side. With a sigh, I walked out of the bathroom and back into the hall. The carpet felt good on my bare feet.

I slinked into his room without a sound, and I saw down on his bed with my legs crossed. He was sitting at his computer desk.

“I can’t believe you still have this thing.” He turned around in his chair when he heard me. He looked at me confused, but had the slightest hints of smiles on his face.

“What?” I pulled on the shirt.

“This. We went like three years ago.” A smile started to creep onto my face, remembering that day we went. He grinned and shrugged. “Does it even still fit you?”

“Nah, hasn’t for a while.”

“Then why keep it?” He spun around in his chair and turned off his computer, then got up and came and sat next to me on the bed.

“Why not?” He laid down on his bed and put his hands behind his head, and looked at me, with a faint smile hidden in his lips. I shrugged myself. “It reminds me of the day I saw my favorite bands. It reminds me of the day I met my favorite people. And it reminds me of the day I spent with my best friend.” I smiled at him; that was the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a while. “Just memories.” He shrugged again. I looked down and played with a piece of loose string coming off of his bed. My smile faded away. I thought about the memories I had. The memories I had with Nick. The nights we would spend by the lake, just talking, or the days that we would spend together. The times when we would talk about spending our lives together, when we talked about our future together. Thinking to it now, it made water run to my eyes. I could feel that Eli was looking at me, but I didn’t know what to say. A tear dripped from my eye to the bed, and Eli sat himself up. “Karlee?” When I didn’t respond, he gently tilted my chin up so I could look at him. “Please tell me what’s wrong.” I sniffled again and wiped the tears from my eyes. Finally, I looked at him.

“You know the moment when you hear or see something you didn’t want to, and your heart drops?” He nodded. “I saw something today that sent my heart crashing into my stomach.” He stared at me with his deep hazel eyes, like he was trying to read my face.

“What?” He asked softly after a few moments. I knew I was going to try the second I said it, so I took a deep breath and prepared myself.

“I saw Nick and…” I searched my head for the right words. I felt like I was choking, I couldn’t bring myself to speak. “…there was another girl.” I sighed, forcing myself to say the words. In my head I thought I’d feel better if I heard it out loud. “We had a fight today. He was with me, and he wanted to go hang out with Axel. So I got mad, and I yelled at him.” I could feel tears coming to my eyes again, but I was a little more in control this time. “He asked me if we were breaking up, and I said I didn’t know. And I drove away. And that was it. But I was upset. I didn’t mean what I said; I still wanted to be with him.” I glanced up at Eli. I could see in his eyes that he was listening intently. I looked back down to the piece of string on his bed. My fingers continued to play around with it as I spoke. “I went back to his house later to apologize, but his mom said he was at Axel’s. So I went to Axel’s house to try and find him. When I got there…I…” I knew I was about to cry, but it wasn’t going to be one of those discrete cries. My entire body started to shake as I tried to hold it in, just enough to get the rest of the words out. I started to sniffle a lot, and tears were already rolling down my face. “I found him,” I felt like I couldn’t say the next word, like it didn’t exist in my vocabulary anymore. I wiped my eyes, and then forced myself to say it. “Kissing someone else.” I spat the words out, like they disgusted me.

I looked up at Eli, who was just staring at me. He didn’t say a word, and I really wish he would. I wanted so badly to just breakdown and cry and sob, but I didn’t want to do it in front of him, let alone in just the silence. His eyes were staring into me, it felt like. I had to force myself to look away. Once I did, he then moved himself next to me, and simply put his arm around me, and held me close. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I turned into him and put my arms around him, and cried like a baby. He eventually put both of his arms around me and just hugged me tightly as I wept into his shirt.

Once I cried for about five or six minutes, I somewhat gained control of myself, though I stayed in his arms; I liked it there. It made me feel safe to be in someone’s arms. Neither Eli nor I said anything, but my mind would not shut up; it got to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to ask him what my mind had been screaming. “Eli?” He looked down at me.

“Hm?”

“Am I stupid? For thinking that someone could really love me?” He pulled me away a little bit so he would look directly at me.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I mean all my life no one has really loved me. My father was always distant, and then he left. My mother never showed her feelings to anyone; she always said it was a point of weakness, so I never knew how she felt. None of my past relationships have ever worked out.” I looked directly in his eyes. “Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be loved.”

“That’s not true. Kar, I can guarantee that there is someone out there who loves you with all of their heart, and they would do practically anything for you. Maybe they’re just shy of letting you know.” I sighed. I looked out his window, which was directly behind where we were sitting on his bed. It had gotten quite dark, and the storm had stopped. I suppose my mother was wondering where I was by now, but in all honesty I didn’t care about her at the moment. I looked back at him.

“Well everyone I’ve ever loved has pushed me away. Maybe I’m just too fucking complicated to love.”

“No, you’re not. Any person you love should be happy as hell that someone like you cares about them.” I sighed.

“But Nick—”

“Nick’s an idiot. Karlee, I’ve known you for as long as I can remember, and you’re one of the sweetest people I know. Anyone who’s dumb enough to leave you is just too blind to see what’s in front of them.” I smiled slightly.

“You always know just what to say.”

“Like I said I’ve known you for a long time.” I was just about to hug him again, when I heard my phone start to ring from Eli’s computer desk. I walked over and simply stared at it, like I didn’t know what to do with it. “Who is it?” Eli asked. I looked over at him, blankly.

“It’s Nick.”