Dance With the Devil

“Do not answer that Karlee.” I stared at my phone in front of me. I had seen this same screen thousands of times, the screen telling me that Nick was calling. But never has it ever felt so foreign to me. I stood there with wet cheeks and wide eyes, simply watching the phone buzz in my hands. “Karlee?” I heard Eli but I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t even know what I was thinking. I wanted to answer it, but I didn’t want to speak with Nick. It felt like forever had passed, but it had only rung twice. I looked over at Eli. His face looked concerned. “Please, don’t answer him.” I looked back down at my phone.

“I don’t want to.”

“Good.”

“But I want to know why he’s calling.” I had never ignored a call from Nick, and trying to blow off his call now was harder than I’d like to admit. Eli walked over to me and grabbed my phone out of my hand, which I didn’t resist to. He threw my phone onto his bed, and let the last few rings go until it went silent.

I stayed standing where I was, right next to his desk, and I didn’t make a sound; though I did keep glancing over at my phone.

“Karlee,” Eli said to get my attention back to him. I looked at him instantly. “Do you still want to be with him?” That was the question that I had been trying to avoid, only because I didn’t know. I still loved Nick with all my heart, but he hurt me so badly. By this point, I knew that I couldn’t trust him, and that it would be hard to forgive what he did, and that nothing may ever be the same again. But I also knew that I would still give everything I had just to see him smile once more.

I walked over to his bed and sat on the edge of it, looking down. I twiddled with my fingers, and I avoided eye contact with him. He came over and sat next to me, and looked down just as I was doing. I felt the need to say something, but my brain couldn’t find words in the millions of things rushing through my head.

“Eli, I—”

“I know you still love him.” He cut me off. He turned and looked at me, and I did the same. “It’s plain as day. And I can’t blame you. Just because someone does something extremely stupid doesn’t automatically change how we feel about them. But, I also know you’re hurt, and I know that when you’re hurt you just completely shut down and turn everything off.” My eyes widened in shock a bit at his bluntness. “But I’m begging you to let me in. I want you to talk to me about this, tell me how you’re feeling. I don’t want you to just go walking around hurt. I care about you too much to let you do that.” I was so surprised at how nice he was being, Eli knows me better than anyone else on this planet; even my own mother.

My mother. I glanced at what time it was. It was nearing six. I knew I had to get home before she did, well, if she even came home tonight. I looked Eli straight in the eye, and smiled very slightly. “Thank you. It really means a lot to hear someone say that. And, I will talk to you about it, but right now I think I need to get going. I lost track of time and I need to get home before my mom does.” He looked over at the clock once I spoke of the time. He sighed and rubbed my back.

“Karlee, you better not be doing this just to avoid talking to me.”

“Never in a million years.”

“Call me tonight, okay?” I got up from where I was on the edge of his bed, and he looked up at me as I did so. I started to walk towards the door, and I looked back at him.

“Of course.” I walked through the door and I was about to descend the stairs when he walked into the hall and called to me.

“But promise me something Kar.” I turned around and stopped in my tracks.

“What?”

“If Nick calls again, you won’t answer it.” I could see in his eyes that they were deep with concern. I didn’t want to disappoint Eli above all else.

“I promise.” We exchanged a moment long stare with each other, like neither of us knew what to say. Eli had been my friend, my best friend for years. We’d known each other since we were little. I knew him like the back of my hand, and I’d like to think he was the same way about me. He was without a doubt one of the most important people in my life. I tossed him a quick awkward wave, and went down the stairs and out the door.

When I got outside, the cool Denver air felt good against my face. I felt like I had been a hot mess all day, and to feel the cool breeze gave me a sense of calming. The sky was dim, and night was not too far away. Stars started to poke their heads up from their slumber during the day, and if you really looked close enough you could see them twinkling. I stood there, on Eli’s front step simply staring at the sky for a good few minutes. I liked to lose myself in small things, be that a song, or a poem, or even just some dots in the dark. I liked things like that.

Finally, I moved myself from his front step. I walked down the steps and got into my car. I turned it on, and as soon as I went to put my feet on the pedal, I became aware at the nakedness of my feet. I had forgotten both my socks and shoes in his house, but I didn’t care to go back inside right now. I’d get them some other time, when I was in control of my emotions and thoughts. I turned on the heat and backed out of his driveway. I didn’t quite feel like going home yet, so I figured I’d take the long way there. I drove past the big cities in Denver, and seeing the city skyline was really something I enjoyed doing every once in a while. I turned on the radio as I drove, and nearly every station I turned to was some sappy love song. Eventually I got angry with all the stations and just turned the radio off completely. I didn’t want to think about love right now, I didn’t want to think about him. But trying to not think about him only made me what to do it more. I really wanted to get through the drive home without crying, and risking getting into an accident due to water obstructing my view. I couldn’t stop my mind though. So, thoughts and images of him stormed my head. Everything about him too, his laugh, his smile, the stupid way he made me feel when he held me close. I hated that. Though, in this moment in time, I hated even more that I didn’t know where I stood with him anymore. I didn’t know if we had broken up, or if we were still together, and I most certainly had no idea how he felt about me, and I think that was the one that hurt me the most.

My phone was lying on the passenger seat next to me. I glanced over at it, and a wicked thought raced through my mind again and again. Part of me was saying to do it, yet the other part of me was screaming that I was an idiot for even thinking about it.

But I didn’t have the will power at the moment to refuse.

I pulled over into a vacant playground parking lot. The playground looked like a ghost town; the swings were hanging off the hinges, all the railings and sidings had been graffiti all over, and countless pieces of the play set lay on the ground around it. I remember that it had been abandoned a while ago because some kid jumped off the top of the jungle gym and landed on his neck. Needless to say, that kid died, so the park was condemned and no one comes here anymore. A lot of people think the kid haunts the place too, which probably didn’t help. I simply sat in my car and stared at the playground for several moments, it fascinated me to look at it now because the image I had stored in my head to remember it by looked so different. I used to come to this playground a lot when I was younger, but I hadn’t been to it in a while since we moved. My dad and I used to come here together after school. I remember that we’d sit on the bench across from the swing set, and I’d tell him about my day over the peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich he made for me after school every day. Though, the more I stared at the now vacant and abandoned playground, all those memories just felt like a dream I had, that I kept forgetting more and more each day.

I snapped myself out of whatever trance I had been in and reached over at my phone and grabbed it. I stared at the same screen for two minutes debating in my mind whether this was a good idea or not. But I then realized that whether it was or wasn’t, I felt I needed to do it. So I swallowed my pride and hit send. I promised Eli I wouldn’t answer Nick, I never said anything about calling him.

The moments I spent listening to the phone ring endlessly seemed to be the longest of my life. Finally, I heard a voice after the fourth ring.

“You don’t know how happy I am to see that you called.” The voice was so familiar, yet I felt like I had no idea who I was talking to.

“You have five minutes to explain to me what the fuck I saw earlier.” I felt my voice crack as I spoke. I tried to sound angry, but I knew it wasn’t coming through, and my pain was showing more than anything.

“Look, everything that happened earlier, that was a mistake. A huge mistake. Karlee you know that I love you.” I snickered humorlessly.

“Yeah, that’s really obvious from you sucking face with another girl. You know, I don’t really know how good your memory is, but about an hour before you had your tongue in her mouth, it was in mine? Do you remember that?” He went quiet. Nick always did that when he knew he was backed into a corner. “I guess you don’t. Man that must have been some weed to make you forget every little damn second of our relationship. You know, I never ever thought you’d do this to me. Do you even know how much I’ve cried since just about an hour ago when I saw you? You have no idea how bad you hurt me, Nick. And no shit it was a mistake. It’s always a mistake when you get caught.” The line was silent. He had absolutely nothing to say to that. “Who was she anyway?” I asked when he said nothing.

“Axel’s cousin.” His voice was low; I knew he didn’t want to talk about her.

“Name?”

“Emma.” I should’ve guessed. I’ve never met an Emma that I liked.

“So, you thought that just because you were high and upset, that you could throw away everything we ever had just so you could have a little fun with this Emma?” A tear dripped down my face but my voice didn’t show it.

“I thought I lost you. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.” His voice got louder, like he was defending himself.

“Nick, I don’t care if I had just died. You don’t go around kissing someone else an hour later, if even that.” I heard splattering on my window shield. It was starting to drizzle again.

“I’m sorry! I was high, that’s what I originally went to Axel’s for, to get high and try to forget everything that happened between us! But you know what happens when you’re high. Every idea seems like a good idea. And she was the one who came onto me first.” He was missing my point completely.

“I couldn’t give a shit who came onto who first. The point is that in that time you were with her, I was the last thing on your mind. That kills me Nick. You know why? Because I remember the days when I used to be all you thought about. From the second you woke up to the moment you went to sleep. And I knew that was changing over time, I knew it I just never said anything. And don’t even deny it because you knew it was happening too. We both knew. You were getting tired of me. I could see it in your eyes; hear it in your voice. It was plain as day. You were getting tired of going in circles with me. And, so today when you were with her, the only reason that you didn’t want to do it was because you were still with me. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have cared and you know that.” I felt a huge weight come off my chest. All those words had been bottled up in my head for months, and it felt so good to finally say them, yet it killed me because they were completely true.

“Karlee, I love you, more than anything in the entire world and it kills me to know that I hurt you. If I could go back in time and change it I would but I can’t. I made a mistake, please, just try to understand. It was just a big mistake.”

“I do understand.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I understand that there’s a difference between big mistakes and little mistakes. I like to consider myself a forgiving person, but there are some things that I just can’t do as a person. I’m sorry Nick.” His voice cracked when he spoke, like he was about to cry.

“Wait, so you’re saying that…” He trailed off, but I knew what he was saying.

“Yeah.”

“Please Karlee, I’m begging you, give me another chance. I’m so damn sorry, please. I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you. I’ll have nothing left to live for. Don’t you still love me?” His voice was cracking and he sounded like he was crying. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t let myself be hurt again either. Another tear slowly slid down my cheek.

“Of course I do. But sometimes love isn’t strong enough. You’re the one person on this planet that has the ability to make me feel things I’ve never felt before. But you’re also the only person who can tear me apart from the inside out, and I’m tired of feeling like that. I do love you Nick, and that’s not going to go away anytime soon, if ever, but we’re not right for each other. You’re not good for me.” I paused. He was obviously crying now, I could hear his little wails and pants for breath. I hated myself for making him cry but I forced myself to suck it up. “I’m sorry.”

“Karlee…” he was speaking very lowly. I heard him pull himself together only slightly before speaking again. “I love you…”

“Goodbye Nick.”

I hung up, threw my phone on the passenger seat, and felt like putting a bullet through my skull.