Fool With Dreams

Ashlee closed her laptop, saying goodbye to a fancy looking woman. Their meeting had been successful and she was happy about it. Everyone were talking that Mrs. Godwin was fastidious and never satisfied but she had managed to come up with the right courses and appropriate colors.

She was good at her work, being an assistant/consultant at a prestigious catering company. Most of the times she was composing menus for different events, and sometimes meeting with clients when her boss was too busy. It was a good job and payed well enough, so she could afford a beautiful house at the Seacliff gated community. She didn’t purposely search a home in a gated community, she just fell in love with the house that had a nice back yard with grass and flowers. And that secure neighborhood was only a bonus.

Supporting a satisfied smile, she stepped out of the meeting room. Her work hours were over but she didn’t want to go home. She loved her house, but she felt herself so alone there. Sometime it was hard not having friends or relatives near by. She decided to stop at the supplies store and buy those wall paints she’d planned on buying for a month now.

“Hey, gorgeous. What are you up tonight?” John, her overly friendly co-worker, asked. He walked with her to the company's parking lot.

“I’m not sure yet. Thinking about finally painting my bedroom walls. I’ve been putting it off for too long already,” she smiled at him.

“What about coming to the bar with us. You need to have some fun once in a while,” he invited, knowing that she’d try to incline, like she almost always did. He had managed to persuade her two or three times and he wasn’t gonna take no for an answer today either.

“You know what, maybe I will come. Who else is coming?” Ash asked, surprising him for once. Yesterday she had cried herself to sleep again, feeling unbearably lonely. Maybe getting drunk would ease her pain just a bit. And since it was Friday, she had a whole weekend to recover from a hangover.

“Susan and Freddy,” John was satisfied with easy win. He gallantly opened the car door for her.

“Okay. Time and place?” she sat in, tossing her purse to the passenger seat.

“Nine and the usual. See you there, Ashlee,” he waved goodbye and closed the door, watching as she pulled out of her spot and drove away.

Ash shook her head at him. She didn’t get why he insisted on calling her with her full name. It was okay for him to call Frederic ‘Freddy’, but he had to always use her full name.

November 12, 2010

I am going out tonight. With John and Susan and Freddy. I really don’t want to but I don’t wanna stay home either. I really have to start climbing out of this hole I’ve buried myself. Otherwise, I’m gonna die. Slowly. I’m not ready to die yet.

The front door was closed with a bang, just as she was putting her diary back to the drawer.

“Honey, I’m hooome,” she heard Dani yell.

“I already heard,” she shouted back and walked downstairs.

Dani was now partly living with her. She was attending the Pediatric Dentistry Program at the UCLA now. She hated staying on campus so on every possibility she had, she drove down to Huntington and stayed with Ash. Not that she minded, Ash was actually happy she didn’t have to be alone every night.

“You didn’t tell me you’d be home tonight,” Ash pouted, hugging her friend.

“I didn’t know I have to call in advance every time,” Dani mused, dropping her bag by the wall.

“No, I didn’t meant it like that. I just would have bought some groceries if I’d known you’d be home. We’re all out of food and I am too damn lazy to go shopping for myself,” she laughed, plopping down on the couch.

“We can always order some pizza or something,” Dani waved her hand dismissively. She had eaten few hours ago and wasn’t hungry at all.

It was already almost nine thirty when they stepped into the bar. She had lost track of time talking to Dani. And since she didn’t have much time to waste, she’d put on the first dress she’d pulled out of her closet. The lucky winner happened to be a tight black mini dress. And with the heels and a small purse, she felt awfully under-dressed. But it was too late to turn back, so she at least tried to blend in and not feel like some harlot. Dani had on some skinny jeans and a corset. She was staying close to Ash, not wanting to lose her from her sight.

Ash quickly found her co-workers and said hellos, then she and Dani went to fetch some drinks. Ash wasn’t holding back, emptying one glass after other. By midnight she was pretty wasted. John had dragged her to the dance floor and she was practically hanging around his neck. Lady Antebellum’s ‘Need You Now’ was playing and slowly the lyrics got to her clouded mind. Her thoughts went to Brian and her mood dropped instantly. Grumbling, she sauntered over to the bar, to get yet another drink. She drowned it at once, ordering another one. Sitting at the bar, she waited for her drink to arrive and the next song to start playing. And when it did, she couldn’t keep the cursing inside.

“You mother fucker! You’ve got to be kidding me,” she half yelled at the DJ, lifting her hands up in protest. It was The River by Good Charlotte.

“What’s the matter?” Dani sat down next to her, looking worriedly at her friend. All she knew was that Ash had an unhappy romance before she moved here and that she wasn’t able to get over that guy. But Dani also knew there was things her friend didn’t tell her, some secrets she didn’t trust to anyone.

“That song, it reminds me of him,” Ash whispered sadly, looking at her shaking hands.

She sat and listened Matt’s raspy voice, scratching at her heart. And when Brian’s riffs came, it felt like she was bleeding inside. Not able to take it any longer, she sprung up and left the bar, tears running down her face. The longing and pain she felt was worse than it had ever been. Being drunk only made everything worse.

Before she realised what she was doing, she had wandered down to the beach with her phone in her hands and calling.

“Mhp?” came a very sleepy answer. Another tear ran down her cheek, hearing her friends familiar voice.

“I wanna hug you, why are you so far away,” she cried, falling down to the sand.

“Ash? What’s going on?” Bam sat up in bed, trying to wake up. Looking at the clock on a bedside table, he saw it was almost three thirty am.

“I’m tired of being all alone. I miss him so much Bam. And I miss you,” she continued her wailing. Tears the size of rocks came down her face.

Bam slid his hand over his face, wiping the sleep out of his eyes. To him, it was too early for any kind of dramas. But he really cared about her, so he forced himself up and walked to the kitchen.

“Ash, it was your choice, remember? You just have to move on,” he said while grabbing a bottle of orange juice out of the fridge.

“I know, I just never believed I’d miss him so much. It’s killing me,” she fell to her back, watching up to the starry sky.

“Look, maybe you should come here for a while, away from the memories. You could stay with me if you don’t want to see your mom,” Bam offered, realising that she was drunk. She was sobbing uncontrollably and her words were slurred. There was no point in trying to talk sense in to her now.

“Really? You want me?” Ash babbled, wiping her cheek with a sandy hand, leaving dark streaks behind.

“Of course I want you babe, you are always welcomed here, you know that,” he sighed, fighting back a yawn.

“Can I bring a friend?” she lived up a bit.

“You mean that girl who’s living with you? Sure, I’d like to meet her,” Bam smiled, happy that she’d decided to bring him out of the closet at last.

“Yeah, Dani. I think it’s time to let her in for the secrets,” Ash smiled weakly, shifting sand through her fingers. She wasn’t aware that Dani was standing behind her, few feet's back. She had came after her, worried of what her too drunk friend would do.

“You mean all of the secrets?” Bam was surprised. He knew she’d rather keep some details unknown from others.

“I think so. I really care about her and I don’t wanna keep things from her anymore. I am afraid that she’ll leave me but at least then I know that I’m not worth her friendship,” she sighed and leaned her head down to her knees.

“If she really is such a good friend like you say she is, then she’s not going anywhere. Just brake it down gently to her,” Bam laughed, dragging himself back upstairs. It was too damn early for him to stay awake.

“I still wonder what I have done to deserve such a good friend as you,” Ash sighed once again, wishing she could hug him. The cool breeze from the ocean had sobered her up a bit. At least she was done with the crying for now.

“By being an even better friend to me. So I’ll be waiting you tomorrow then,” he added, fighting to stay awake. He couldn’t hold back a yawn anymore.

“I don’t think I’ll be in a flying condition tomorrow. I’m pretty drunk if you haven’t realised it yet,” she laughed. The thought about what she was gonna feel like tomorrow made her flinch. She was sure she’d be willing to die tomorrow.

“Wait! Did you say flying?” Bam asked, thinking that he must’ve heard wrong because Ash had sworn to never step a foot on a plane ever again.

“Yes, I did. Let’s just say I learned a few tricks from Brian,” Ash said, feeling that familiar pain in her heart again. Like she did every time she talked or thought about him.

“That’s fucking great. It means you’ll get here faster,” he sank back to his soft over sized bed.

“I’ll have to see if I can get off from work first. I’ll call you if I know more. I love you,” she said, picturing his sleepy face and messed up hair. She really wanted to see him.

“Love you too Kitty.”

They ended their call and Ash slid her phone back to her purse. She sighed and fell on her back, not caring that she’d have sand in her hair later. She stared up at the stars.

“I wish you could just tell me how to get over him,” she whispered. After that evening she had saved Jimmy, she sometimes talked to the night sky, knowing that her brother was somewhere up there. She didn’t know if he could hear her or not, but she hoped.