Choke on Your Misery

Zack

The next day was Wednesday, but my mom let me stay home from school. I had ended up having three panic attacks, despite the medicine I took. My mom didn’t want anything to cause another panic attack at school, so she got my medicine refilled and let me stay home. She stayed home from work, not wanting to leave me alone. I slept most of the day, having been up most of the previous night. Around four, I was fully awake but didn’t want to leave my room. I played my acoustic guitar for a little bit, but decided I wasn’t really in the mood for music. I heard the doorbell ring as I put my guitar away. I could hear my mom’s voice, muffled, and a minute later there was a knock at my door.

“Come in,” I called, figuring it was my mom or dad and sitting back down on my bed. I was wrong; the door opened, and Alex was standing in the doorway. My face flushed as I remembered my panic attack at Alex’s house the previous night.

“Hey, Zack... you left your stuff at my house; I figured you might want it back,” Alex said, holding up my bass guitar case and amp.

“Um, thanks. Just set it down somewhere,” I said. Alex shut the door and set my stuff down.

“I noticed you weren’t in school, so I was just wondering if you were okay. I know you had a panic attack yesterday, so...” Alex trailed off, running a hand through his hair as he stood in the middle of my room awkwardly.

“I’m fine. My mom kept me home because she didn’t want me to have another panic attack at school. I had three last night,” I sighed. I patted the spot next to me on my bed, and Alex walked over to sit next to me.

“Three? Damn,” Alex said. “I wouldn’t even want to have one.”

“I wouldn’t, either. Having panic attacks is horrible,” I said, running a hand through my already-messed-up hair.

“Seems like it. Was it because of Jack?” he asked.

I shook my head, “No, that just set me off. I was on the edge of a panic attack all day. I haven’t been taking my medicine.”

“Well, start taking it, because it sucked to see you like that,” Alex frowned. “I told Jack, by the way; after you and Rian left. He was really confused.”

“What did he say?”

“He felt bad for asking. He understands, though. Don’t think he’ll judge you about this now that he knows; he’s the least judgmental person ever,” Alex assured me.

I sighed, “I was going to tell him, but when he asked yesterday, I panicked and it brought me over the edge into a panic attack.”

“Yeah, I get it. I know it’s hard for you to talk about it to begin with,” Alex said.

“It is. That’s why I waited so long to tell you.”

Alex nodded, and we were quiet for a minute. “So... do you still want to be in the band with us?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to have any more panic attacks and stop a practice, or something,” I frowned.

“I think you’ll be fine. We can always stop whenever you need a break,” he said.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be the one dragging the practices on forever,” I said.

“You won’t; you know we’ll all goof off more than we play, anyway. If it helps any, I really want you to be in it,” Alex said. I looked up at him and saw that he was smiling.

I smiled slightly, “Well, as long as I’m wanted... I guess I’ll be in the band.”

“Yay!” Alex said, hugging me quickly. I blushed at the touch. He pulled away, looking at me, “How about you get dressed and we go somewhere?”

“Where?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex shrugged, “Anywhere. I’m starving though... so I’d prefer food.”

I chuckled. “We could go get ice cream,” I suggested.

“I’m lactose intolerant,” he said, shrugging apologetically.

“Damn.”

“We’ll go to Subway,” Alex decided, standing up. “Get dressed.”

••••••••••

I got dressed, and Alex and I left to go to Subway for some food. My parents were happy to see that I was going somewhere besides Alex's house for once. By the time we headed home later, it was already starting to get dark outside. Alex pulled into his driveway like he usually did when we came home. He turned to me as we unbuckled, looking like he was thinking about something. "Hey, Zack? Did I ever mention that I'm, uh, also bi?" he asked awkwardly.

"No, but Rian had told me," I replied, wondering where he was going with this. I had forgotten that he hadn't told me himself; it had been the least of our worries lately.

"Oh. Really?" he asked. "When?"

"A few weeks ago; I asked him," I said.

A small smirk tugged at Alex's lips, "So you asked him about me? Before we started to become friends?"

I blushed, "So what?"

Alex shook his head, smiling, "Nothing."

"What did you bring it up for?" I questioned.

"Ah... no reason," Alex said, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. I could tell he was lying; otherwise he wouldn't have brought up the subject. He looked over at me, seeming conflicted. "Zack, you have to promise to not freak out over what I'm about to do, okay?" he said to me.

"What?" I asked, confused. I felt my heart jump; I don't like surprises.

"Just promise," Alex said.

"Okay, sure..." I trailed off uncertainly. What was he talking about?

"Good." Alex leaned over toward me, and I felt my heart race. He wasn't going to do what I thought he was, was he? He got closer to my face, and my thoughts were confirmed. Yes, he was. Alex's lips pressed against mine, and I instinctively closed my eyes. Holy shit, this felt amazing. My heart was pounding harder, but I ignored it and kissed Alex back after hesitating. The kiss was brief, but it felt longer. Alex pulled away to look at me, his face flushed, "Um... sorry."

I shook my head, speechless. "Wow. I-I, uh, g-gotta go..." I stammered, opening the car door. I needed to process what just happened.

"Zack, no! I'm sorry; fuck, I shouldn't have done that," Alex said, looking upset.

"N-no, it's not that. Just- just give me a little while to figure out what just happened," I said, shaking my head as I got out of the car. I headed to my house, going straight up to my room and sitting on my bed. Wow. I hadn't kissed anyone since freshman year, and I had never kissed a guy at all. It was... different. And I think I liked it.