Choke on Your Misery

Zack

By the weekend, we were all pretty worn out from school and band practice. We had practiced at Rian’s house every day after school for the past two weeks. Our parents were surprised that we were practicing so much, but I guess we just wanted to get really good. My parents had decided that they were going to go to a party tonight; the first one they had been able to go to in over a year. The last year or so had been spent hovering over me, making sure I was fine or that I didn’t try cutting again.

Around nine, my mom and dad were rushing around, getting ready to leave for their party. Judging by my mom’s dress, the party was either semi-formal or she just wanted to look fancy. My mom walked into the living room, where I was lounged on the couch. She was putting in her jacket. “Honey, are you sure you’ll be fine on your own? We’ll be gone well past midnight...”

“I’ll be okay, Mom. I’m sixteen years old, you can trust me,” I sighed.

“I do trust you, Zack.” That was a lie; I saw her put the knives and razors up a few hours earlier. If she really trusted me, she’d leave them out and know I wouldn’t touch them. “You just haven’t been home alone in a long time.”

“I’ll be fine; I know where the phone and fire extinguisher are,” I joked.

She rolled her eyes, but smiled slightly. “Oh, alright.”

“Clara! Are you ready to go?” my dad called out.

“One minute!” Mom turned to me, “You know our cell phone numbers if you need anything.” She leaned down to kiss me on the forehead and I grimaced, acting disgusted.

“Bye, mom. Have fun.”

Once my parents left, it was only an hour and a half before I screwed something up. I was hungry, so I headed into the kitchen to make some Ramen noodles. I headed back into the living room while I waited for the water to boil, because I knew it would take a little while. That was my mistake. After a few minutes, I smelled smoke. What the hell?

I jumped up and went into the kitchen, shocked to see that the dry towel beside the stove had caught fire. I must have left it too close to the stove when I set it down. I grabbed a glass of water off the table and tossed it onto the flames, but it didn’t help much. The flames had jumped to the paper towel rack beside the stove. I reached out to turn off the stove, cussing and pulling my hand away quickly from the heat.

“Fuck!” I said to myself, running to grab the fire extinguisher. I used it on the flames, and was relieved to see that it had successfully put out the fire. I put the fire extinguisher away and slumped down against the wall, my heart racing. I’d never caused a fire; I’m usually good at watching that kind of stuff. My hands started to get shaky, and I took a deep breath. Of course; a panic attack. Just what I need. When it didn’t get any better, I pulled my phone out of my pocket shakily, looking at the list of contacts. I needed someone here with me; it would at least help me through the panic attack. I couldn’t call my mom or dad because they would freak out and rush straight home. I didn’t want Rian to have to come all the way over to my house. Alex was the best person to call. I scrolled down to Alex’s number and pressed ‘call’. He picked up after a few rings.

“You’re calling pretty late,” Alex commented when he picked up.

“A-Alex, can you come over?” I asked, my voice shaky.

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked, sounding concerned.

“J-just come over. I need someone here.”

“I’ll be right there,” he told me. I set down the phone as he hung up, closing my eyes and trying to will my panic attack to stop. I was getting dizzy. I was surprised to hear Alex come in a few minutes later; that was fast. “Zack? Where are you?” he called.

“K-kitchen,” I called back. Alex rushed into the kitchen, stopping abruptly when he saw the mess on the counter. He was wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt, and looked like he had just rolled out of bed. He walked over, kneeling down beside me.

“What happened, Zack?” he asked, his forehead creased.

“I-I wasn’t paying attention... the towel caught fire... b-but I got it out...” I stammered, still dizzy from the panic attack. Alex realized I was shaking and frowned.

“You’re having a panic attack, aren’t you? Did you take your medicine?” he asked. I nodded, and he sighed, “You’re probably having one out of shock or something.”

I just nodded again, and he reached out to put his arms around me. I began to protest – I hated being touched during a panic attack – but instead of my heart racing faster like it usually would, I actually felt it slow down a bit. That was weird. With Alex's arms around me, I felt calmer. Usually my anxiety would skyrocket if someone tried to hug me during a panic attack.

After a few minutes, when my shaking ceased, Alex pulled away to look at me, “You okay?”

“I’ve had better days,” I said, sighing and running a hand through my hair. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” he squeezed my hand with a reassuring smile. “Now... how about we clean up the kitchen and go watch a movie or something?”

••••••••••

By eleven-thirty, Alex and I were up on the couch, watching some movie on TV. Alex was sitting with the recliner out, and I was lying with my head on his lap. He was beginning to fall asleep, but I was still wide awake. I shifted restlessly, and finally sat up with a sigh. Alex opened his eyes, looking at me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “Just a little shaken up over the fire, and I can’t sleep.”

“Well everything’s fine now, so don’t worry about it,” he said. He pulled me onto his lap, and I let out a squeak of surprise. “Think you’ll sleep better like this?”

“I actually think I’ll squish you.”

Alex chuckled as I slid off his lap to sit beside him, “Better?”

“Yeah,” I smiled, and he kissed me briefly. We sat like that for a few minutes before I spoke up again. “You know, your mom is probably wondering where you are.”

“Nah; she was asleep before I left. She won’t notice that I’m gone,” Alex said, shrugging.

“You better hope so,” I chuckled.

“It doesn’t matter; I’d rather be here with you anyway. I don't care what she says.”

“Don’t start with the mushy stuff,” I said, elbowing him in the side as I rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me.