I'm Ready to Leap. I'm Ready to Live.

Craig’s POV

There she was. Walking with Brendon. I felt like an idiot. Honestly I felt a lot of things at the moment. Shame, guilt, passion, hurt, anger, love, and desperation were just a few. I watched her eyes meet mine as she visibly released a breath. Brendon said something to her. She looked at him one more time and started to walk towards me. “Fuck. What am I going to say?” I muttered under my breath.

She stepped outside. The green eyes I had grown so accustomed to seeing would not meet my own, instead they stared sadly down at her dress. “Kat.” I started. She still wouldn’t look at me. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“I imagine you wouldn’t.” she said coldly her eyes finally meeting my own. “What the fuck happened in there?” she asked anger evident in her voice.

“I really don’t know.” I answered frustrated.

“How could you not know?” she asked incredulously. “You obviously know Sarah. Who is she Craig and why did you leave me at the altar of OUR WEDDING for her?” her voice rising with each word.

“Sarah was my first love Kat. I met her when I was in Chiodos and we fell in love. She was there when I tried to end it all. The only one. When I tried to pick up the pieces of my life I ended up quitting Chiodos and decided to leave her behind. The only person that had been there for me.” Tears burned in my eyes.

I felt a stinging on my cheek. I stood there for a moment before I realized that she had slapped me. “I fucking loved you Craig and God help me I still do, and you do this to me.” her face was red with anger.

“Oh and you don’t think I didn’t notice Brendon objecting to our marriage.” I asked snidely.

“I’m sure you did notice that, but that doesn’t mean I would have left you Craig. Do you think I would have thrown away our time together so quickly? And don’t you dare fucking speak to me like this.”

“It’s easy to say you wouldn’t do the same when you don’t have to. You didn’t respond. You didn’t get the opportunity.” I replied meanly.

Tears fell down her face in rapid succession as she answered, “So you are leaving me then? You’ve made your decision.” a sob ripped through her chest and she fell to her knees.

I went to her and kneeled down. “Kat I didn’t..”

“Yes, you did Craig. You said it. Don’t deny it now that you feel bad for me. I do love you Craig and no matter how much I love or loved Brendon when you asked me to marry you I said yes and I meant it. I was willing to put it all behind me and make a life with you because I thought you wanted to do the same with me. I thought you cared for me, that you understood me, fuck that we understood each other. Now I realize I probably know nothing about you.”

“That’s not true.” I said as I put a hand on her back. “You do know me.”

“Don’t.” she sobbed as she shied away from my touch.

I didn’t back off. Instead I pulled her into my arms as she sobbed into my chest. “Kat, I love you. I really do, but marrying you…it just doesn’t feel right. I’m so sorry. I know that will never be enough, really, that anything I say to you will ever be enough.”

She shoved me, hard. “What the fuck am I supposed to do Craig? Do you want me to say oh, ok well, then I guess it wasn’t meant to be? Do you want me to just be okay with all of this, just accept that you are leaving me and be done with it? What the hell do I do? Where do I go? We just bought a fucking house together. I don’t have my house anymore. I sold it. I can’t just pick up and buy a new one today.” she screamed at me.

I sighed. I had no idea what to tell her. Everything she was saying was true. How could I expect her to be okay with this. I guess I thought she would be relieved that she could finally be with Brendon. I guess I didn’t really appreciate how much she truly loved me until now and now was too late. I wiped tears from my eyes. “Kat please stop. Please.” I begged as a sob forced its way out of my chest and there we were back in each others arms crying. “I love you.” I whispered into her tear dampened hair.

“I love you too.” she sobbed into my shoulder.

We stood up, clinging tightly to one another like life lines. “I don’t want this to end.” she whispered. “It has to though. You love her and I can’t keep you here simply because you feel sorry for me.”

“I don’t want it to either, but you’re right. It has to. I wronged you and I do love her.” I sighed and cupped her face so she would look at me.

“Kiss me please.” she begged as I watched tears pour down her face.

I nodded once and pressed my lips to hers. Our tongues met and my hand tangled in her hair in an effort to pull her closer to me. I needed to feel her inside my head one more time. The kiss was full of sick desperation and sadness. She pulled away and a sob echoed in the back of her throat. “Goodbye Craig.” she whispered turning away from me and running for the church doors, pulling them open and throwing herself inside.

“Goodbye love.” I whispered after her letting my agony crash down on me in waves. ‘What the fuck did I just do?’ I asked myself as I flopped down on the ground. I dug my fists into the dirt that occupied the space behind the sidewalk I was sitting on.

“Craig.” a female voice said softly.

I looked up slowly. It was Sarah. I didn’t say anything. She just came and sat next to me. “She really loved you huh?”

I nodded letting more tears fall.

“Well, I love you.” she said sliding her hand into mine.

It wasn’t Kat’s and at this moment in my life I wished with everything I had that it was, until I looked up into Sarah’s eyes. I saw everything she felt for me right on the surface of them. “I’m sorry. I should have came to you sooner.”

“Don’t.” I said. “Just not right now.”

She nodded and laid her head on my shoulder. “Listen. I’m going to go back to L.A. You can come with me if you want. That way she can get her things together and find a place to live. Trust me she doesn’t want you around right now. I also know you are regretting this choice, but you said it didn’t feel right and I know you meant that. Just give yourself some time and you’ll realize you made the right decision for you. I love you.”

“I love you too Sarah. I think that’s a good idea. When do we leave?”

“Right now if you want.”

“Don’t you want to sort things out with Brendon?” I asked curiously.

“Not necessary. I’ve known since the day I met her at the beach that he was in love with her and that it would only be a matter of time before he told me.” she said smoothly. Like it didn’t even upset her.

“Didn’t that make you mad?”

“No, because I knew she was with you. So, I was guilty of always thinking of you.” she answered honestly.

“Oh.” was my brilliant response. “Let’s get out of here.” I said softly.

“All right.” she replied helping me up. We set off for her car. All the while I couldn’t get the image of Kat’s beautiful smiling face out of my head. I felt like the ghost of our relationship was going to haunt me forever, or at the very least, until I knew she was happy.