Remembering the Ghost of You

April 17th, 1944

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror combing my hair back. My uniform was crisp and clean. I felt like a true soldier when I looked in the mirror. I smoothed my hand over the lapel. This was it. Time for the social and my last night at home.
My mother cried as I came down the stairs. She hugged me so tight that I was afraid she’d never let go. Mikey looked grown up in his dress greens with his hair slicked back. He didn’t look like my little brother anymore. He looked like a young man; just another soldier.

“Don’t you two look handsome,” Rebecca said as me and Mikey joined her and Samantha outside. We were all walking together.
“You’re very beautiful yourself,” I said and offered her my arm which she took. On the way we reminisced about our childhood. I found it easier to get lost in the memories then I thought it would be. When we arrived people were pouring in to the decorated mess hall. Tables had been set for dinner and we departed from the girls to find our seats. I was at a table with Ray, Bob, Frank, Mikey, and Bob’s wife Susan. They all looked older in their uniforms. I’d seen them dressed like this before, but for some reason it seemed more real right now. Susan was even more beautiful in person with complicated braids in her golden hair and I pale blue dress on. Her belly was also swelled to the size of a small pumpkin that Bob kept his hand happily on.
“Our baby is due in August,” Bob said proudly for the third time that evening. We were getting ready for the main course while listening to a group of jazz players.
“She looks about to explode now,” Frank muttered to himself, obviously not enjoying the talk of new life.
“Don’t you ever want children?” I asked quietly and he blushed as he realized I’d heard his comment.
“I do, but I can’t imagine bringing a child into the world with no guarantee that it’ll ever see it’s father again.”
“But all of life is a risk. He could die in a car accident for all we know. People die every day. It’s all risk and war just ups that risk,” I explained and he shrugged.
“I guess that’s one way to look at it. Why didn’t you sit with your other friends? Rebecca and Samantha?” he asked.
“Rebecca was invited by her boyfriend so her and her sister sat with them and our table was already full,” I explained as he nodded. I was glad when the table was set with an array of food. For the next eighteen months I’d been guaranteed to end up eating tree bark and drinking piss, so this was a wonderful last supper.

“You seem tense,” Frank commented as we ate dessert.
“Am I?” I wasn’t aware that the anxiety I was feeling inside was showing. I was worried about performing and leaving and everything.
“It’ll be okay,” Frank said and rested his hand on my thigh. Was it weird to like when he rubbed it for a moment? It felt comforting and I forced a smile.
“Yeah I know.”

We were waiting behind stage for the last of the tables to be cleared. The guys were fooling around on their guitars while I paced. Everyone sat on benches waiting for the music to begin. I smoothed my hand over my hair and then down the front of my jacket. I didn’t want to let my nerves get the better of me. From behind the curtain I watched Bob set up the drum set and then the guys followed out onto stage. I was to follow them but I hesitated. Frank happened to look back and with a flick of his wrist and a reassuring smile motioned for me to come out. I tentatively took a step out. Rebecca and Samantha waved to me which made me feel even better. I walked to the mic.
“Greetings fellow soldiers and lovely ladies. I hope my friends and I can provide you with enough dancing music to make the night filled with wonderful memories,” I said and people clapped. I then turned back and nodded to Bob who counted us off. The boys started strumming and then I began to sing. We started with an old familiar tune that I hoped would get people dancing.
A few bars in the guys stood and made their way to where the ladies sat. Hands and offers to dance were exchanged and the room soon filled with swaying bodies. The more I sang the more comfortable I felt. I smiled as I sang passionately. I sang in church but I missed singing alone on stage. It was completely different. Rebecca smiled up at me from Victors’ arms and I segwayed into a favorite song of hers. I could still remember her singing it as she skipped along beside me as we made our way to school. I still sometimes heard her sing it while doing laundry or gardening.
At my first break I went to dance with Samantha, Mikey borrowed a dance from Rebecca and Bob dragged Susan onto the floor. He held her closely despite her large belly. I twirled Samantha around, wishing for a moment that Mikey would be staying behind with her. After a few songs Mikey asked Samantha to dance and I stood back to watch Frank and Ray play. I had heard Ray play piano before but didn’t know he knew guitar. Both their fingers moved effortlessly over the strings, strumming out melodies that kept everyone happy and dancing. Mikey soon returned to the stage and I wandered over to Rebecca. She was taking a break on the bench but when I extended my hand she eagerly took it.
Dancing with Samantha felt like dancing with a little sister, but dancing with Rebecca felt like I was consoling a sister. We swayed to the slow music and she rested her head on my shoulder. “Thank you for singing that,” she murmured and I only nodded. I didn’t want to get choked up here. “Promise me you’ll come back,” she finally whispered. “You’re like my brother and I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
“If I could promise I would …” I trailed off and she hugged me tighter. We danced for awhile and then it was time for me to return to the stage.

The night came to an end sooner then I would have liked. I was going out with the guys and then leaving in the early morning so I was saying my goodbyes now. “Take care of then Rebecca. Mikey and my mother, and yourself and family,” I said and she smiled sadly.
“It still feels like yesterday that you swore to be my protector in high school,” she laughed and I blushed as I remembered. No one got near her without my approval. I protected her as well as our siblings and now I was off to do so again, but in a different manor. “Now you’re off to war.”
“I know.”
“Write to me?”
“When I can,” I told her and she nodded.
“I’ll miss you Gerard. Take care,” she said and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back and then pulled Samantha into the embrace. I’d grown up with them and saying goodbye was just as hard as it was going to be when I said it to mama.
“Til next time,” I said as I drew away. They waved and I turned to leave with Ray, Bob, Frankie and Mikey. The girls were waiting behind for rides home. I didn’t dare look back because I knew if I did I’d cry and that I didn’t want to do. Instead I slung my arms around Ray and Bob’s shoulders and walked out. Mikey hesitated though. He turned back to smile at the girls once more before following us out.