All Yours Somehow

“HANNAH! Come back, please?”

I heard him call behind me. I had absolutely no intention of turning around and walking back to him. The wind had picked up and I could feel my long blonde hair blowing about. As I attempted to hold it down, I could hear footsteps coming behind me so I picked up my own pace too.

“Or at least slow down so I can catch up! I guess those legs of yours are good for something, hey?” he said, much closer than he was before.

I continued to walk, or rather march, away from the restaurant I had just been sat in for the last hour or so with my friends. With no idea where I was heading, I slowed down my pace until I came to a stop but still didn’t turn around.

“Finally! Thank you!” he said between breaths as he’d had to run to catch up with me. “Han-”

“I’m gonna stop you there, John,” I interrupted, slowing turning to face him. It was only now that I’d stopped moving I realised how cold it was out here. In my top and shorts, my bare arms and legs weren’t ready for the cool air. “I don’t know what it is you think you’ve got to prove to me, in fact I don’t even want to know! I’ve managed to go without you. Haven’t seen you, haven’t spoken to you. So just tell me this, why me? Why now?”

“I’m not trying to prove anything to you Hannah,” he said, beginning to raise his voice. “I’m just trying to find out what you want. I want to be the guy for you but you keep shutting me out!”

“I do NOT shut you out, YOU keep leaving!” I yelled back. There were quite a few people walking around town since it was about 9.30pm and we were getting some interesting looks from them, as they passed by.

“This is my job! I’m on the road at least 9 months out of the year, you knew this before!” he said, moving closer to me. “But this is still my home and I want to know that I can come back to it and you’d be here for me.”

“But John, you said it! You know you said it. In front of everyone!” I yelled.

“OK. So what happened in there wasn’t exactly....as I’d planned,” he began. I sighed and I knew he could tell I close to losing my patience. “Right, you know what? I give up. You’ve got this all figured out, haven’t you?! You think that guys like me are all the same. Well let me-”

“Guys like you?” I questioned.

“Oh come on, you know I’m only saying what you’re thinking!” he said, moving closer to me.

“Whatever,” I mumbled and turned my face away.

“You think that guys like me are all the same and we’re only out for one thing. You’ve said it before, Hannah, and you know you’re thinking it right now,” he said. I still couldn’t even look at him straight. He grabbed both my arms pulling me closer to him but I still refused to meet his gaze. “But I’m not one of those guys. What will I have do to prove it to you? Why do you think I keep coming back here? Do you know what I think? I think you’re scared so you’re running from something, but even you don’t really know what you’re running from. Love? A bit of fun? Life? What do you want? Because I know what I want is what I’m looking at right now!”

I turned to look at him. I kept my expression as blank as I could. I thought there was more. I was wrong. There wasn’t.

Instead, he crashed his lips against mine. I couldn’t believe how tonight had gone from a group of friends having a laugh to this. I was so stunned by him kissing me that my body went into shock. After a few seconds, he must have realised there was no feeling returned as he pulled away from me and gave me a look of sort of disappointment.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke in barely a whispered and met my eyes with a look of genuine apology and in that moment I could see why I found him attractive. He let out a sigh and his focus fell to the ground.

“I’m sick of ‘I’m sorry’,” I suddenly said, at a normal level, causing him to turn lift his head back up to meet my eyes.

Just as I thought he was going to go in for another kiss, my phone start ringing in my bag. I pulled my arms away from him and fished around in my bag until I found it. I looked at the display, sighed and pressed accept.

“Yes, Holly?” I asked, putting my phone to my ear.

“Hannah! Where are you? You just walked out!” she squealed back.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to leave like that. I was pissed off. I’m alright now though. What are you guys doing?” I replied.

“Well, we were waiting for you or John to come back but got bored. What happened?”

“Doesn’t matter. So have you left the restaurant already?”

“We’re outside. Look, Han, we’re heading to this party, are you coming?” she asked, sounding impatient.

“We’ll be there in two seconds,” I told her and hung up. “Right come on,” I said, pulling John’s jacket as I walked away as a signal to follow me.

“Where are we going?” he questioned.

“You said I’m running from something. Love, life and fun were the examples you gave, right? Well, I’m gonna show you I’m not. Starting with fun. I’m 21, John, I know how to have fun. You’re just never here to see it,” I told him. “I don’t even know why I’m explaining myself to you. Anyway, we’re going to a party,” I finished, as we reached the rest of our friends outside where we had eaten earlier this evening. I walked up to Holly, who handed me my jacket that I’d left earlier.

“You OK?” she asked, eyeing me up and down.

“Yeah, fine,” I smiled back, whilst she shot me a questioning look. Luckily for me, our cabs arrived before she could ask me another question.

They had ordered 3 cabs and there was 11 of us. Halvo, Jared and Tessa got in the first car, Holly and our friends Kirsten and Sara got in the second and some more of the guys got in the third. I followed Holly into the back of the second car as John walked past me to get in the first cab with his friends. I watched as he got in, not knowing exactly what I was going to say to Holly since I knew she was going to ask more questions once I got in the car.

“Hannah Mae Frazier, what did you just do?” Holly asked before I’d even had a chance to close the door? I turned to look at her and raised my eyebrows. “Well? I’m waiting!”

“So’s the driver, where are we going?” I laughed.

“Er, oh! Head to 86th and I’ll direct from there,” she told the cab driver, before turning back to me. “So, you and John?”

“It was nothing, Hol, give it up,” I told her, turning to watch the traffic going the other way fly past.

“Nothing? Sara, when a guy flirts with you all night, offers to pay for your meal and doesn’t take his eyes off you all night, a guy you’ve also got history with, who also let something slip tonight and then you both disappear for a while, would you say that’s nothing?” she rambled.

“No, I would not say that was nothing. That is definitely something. And do you know what else?” Sara smiled, knowingly. “Well, judging by the redness of someone’s lips now compared to when they left the restaurant, I would say that ‘nothing’ was in fact a kiss.”

“You kissed John!?” Holly and Kirsten both nearly screamed at the same time.

“Sara, I could kill you right now,” I leant forward past Holly to tell her. “I can’t believe you guys!”

“I’m just calling it as I see it,” she laughed back.

“If you take the next right here and then the second left and then just stop anywhere along there,” Holly told the driver before turning her attention back to me. “Han, there’s always going to be a you and John, I don’t know why you still try and fight it. Just think about what happened at Jared’s on new years. Look we’re going to this party, there’s alcohol, why not have some fun?”

“Why do people keep telling me to have fun? And what are you trying to say? Be like you and find the first guy I can and by the end of the night tell him ‘I think I’m falling in love with him’?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about...” she said, giving me one of her smiles I knew all too well. “Besides, I’m not doing that tonight, Eric’s here.”

“I knew you had your eye on Halvo!” Kirsten burst out with from the front seat of the car.

“No, Holly, you cannot get with John’s best friend. Seriously?” I pleaded with her. What did she think we were, back in high school? Two girl best friends going after two guys who also happened to be best friends. “Anyway, I’m not going after John and that’s that.”

“Here we are ladies,” the driver told us, as we pulled up next to the curb behind one of the other cabs. We paid the fare and all got out. It was only then I realised then where we were.

“Oh Holly!” I said, frustratedly. “I swear I’m gonna kill you by the end of tonight!”

“OK so when I said we were going to a party, maybe I left out the bit about it being a Gomez party,” she told me. I watched as John, Eric, Jared and his girlfriend, who had all gotten out of the front cab, start towards the house. A ‘Gomez party’ as Holly had put it, was a well known party around here, thrown by Stephen and John whenever their parents were out of town. Their house was huge and it had a massive pool, perfect for parties such as this. Only thing was, not only did I have my history with John, I still tried to avoid Stephen at every possible opportunity, including these parties and had managed so for the past few years until now. Now I had two guys to worry about tonight.

I started towards the house. I had a plan. I didn’t like it, but it had to be done.

“Going to find John?” Holly called after me. I didn’t even bother to stop or turn around, I just flipped her off.