You Lost Your Chance
01.
"Eyes
Through day and nights.
I see your eyes
Sparkle, glinting, dead.
But I still love you.
Lips
From sun to rain
they were chapped, moist and salty.
The beaches, the winds
Could not keep them away.
Not from me
Were we meant to be?
Smile
Bright but confused.
Its always reliable
Keep me safe, warm and yours
That smile is all I need.
Hands
Soft never calloused,
Didn't the guitar hurt?
Warm in mine
All through the winter night
Companionship
You were there.
Chicken soup and all.
Blankets up to my neck
You didn't hear my thank you.
Friendship
Did it matter anymore?
Did I cross the line?
Love me, you did not
Hate me, you should have.
You
Do you even know who you are?
My prince charming from afar
Don't save me, just watch me fall
Just stand next to me
I want to hold you, because I love you. "
"Ryan... that was. Enlightening. Thank you for that. Anyone else?"
He sat back down ears and face burning up. He didn't bother turning behind. He could already see him. Staring agape, in surprise, maybe even horror and disgust. It was all too much and too good. Why him? Why me? Why goddamnit why? Feeling a lump forming in his throat, he quickly coughed before slapping his palms on the table. Mrs Parrish gave him a disapproving glance. But it was mild mixed with the pity he saw that softened her eyes.
A girl, Chelsea, was up next. Her poem was about true love and boundaries and slitting the wrist. He didn't even bother to listen. It was a big scrawl of crap yet for some reason, at the end, everyone cheered. Nobody cheered for him. Compare him to her, she might be winning the presidential elections. He cringed slightly, but she saw it. She threw him a dirty look walking back to her seat. Sebaldt, Tenehaur, Urie.
Three more until him. Until Urie. Could I call in sick? That's stupid. He may not even know. Or maybe he did. Maybe he wouldn't come tomorrow. That would be a good thing.
It was. One week, two absentees, a substitute teacher and many slamming against lockers, attempted rape and reciting of lines from his poem later, it was finally the day. He thought his world has ended. Or coming very close to it anyway.
"Brendon. Finally. You're up then. Blow us all away."
The walk he took in the purple hoodie with no script, seemed to be Ryan's longest wait. With every footstep, Ryan became that much closer to a cardiac arrest. Or he might just vomit. Finally, from the corner of his eye, he saw the red Vans coming into view. Hours later, Brendon Urie reached the front of class. In front of him. Looking straight at him. Shit.
"Mrs. Parrish, I don't have a poem ready."
"Urie this assignment was given weeks ago. How can you not have a poem ready?"
"I already have one. But it doesn't match up with what I really wanna say." A calculating look. What is he about? The whole class went into a hushed conference. Ryan just stared. Mrs Parrish contemplated.
Silence. Deja vu isn't it?
"Well say it." Shocks from the class. And from Brendon. But with a gulp, he started.
"You still remember? Our first day? Flying books and curse words. But you looked at me. I remembered. Right into my eyes. We didn't say a word. How could I not realise you exist?"
"Another fag poem."
"Shut up Chelsea." Even Ryan was surprise at his quick snap.
"You did the same for me. I had the sniffles didn't I? You gave me skittles. You knew it didn't help. You wanted me to be happy. You just wanted me to be happy. I to you too. But not like this. Never like this."
Ryan stared into the hazel eyes, imploring. Each breath he held was a breath Brendon let out. Each word Brendon spoke was like thunder. Loud and echoing in his mind. Brendon looked at him. There was only them two. Everybody must have noticed but nobody said a word. Not even Chelsea.
"I can't make sense. We are more than that. But you're asking for too much. I like the winter day. The indoor camping, the summer road trips and the soft fireplace. But I can't give you all of that. Not now, not ever. We still share memories but I can't help you imagine new ones."
A gasp. Stupid girl at the back. Ryan just stared. His eyes must be red now but he kept silent, waiting. Even Mrs Parrish was looking solemn.
"I can't love you. But hating you would be the last thing on my mind. Further than last. It didn't even cross it. " Silence.
He took tentative steps back to his seat. Ryan didn't turn. He didn't want the class to see his teary eyes. Mrs Parrish pretended to not see them too.
"So Urie, done. Ah five more before the end of presentation. Antonio Valence, you're up."
The past was then drowned out by the accented pronunciation but it remained clear in Ryan's mind. It was crystal in Brendon's too. But neither boy said a word. Until graduation.
Urie
Ross
Congrats on Ivy League.
You too.
Good luck
Yeah. See ya around.
In the end, there was no fairytale. There was no Prince Charming, no more skittles and no more love. But that doesn't mean Ryan ever stopped. He couldn't. It was Brendon he loved now and maybe until he died. Maybe he would see Brendon again. After five years maybe that disarming smile would show. Maybe those playful eyes would make another encore appearance in his life. And just maybe, everything would return back to normal as if nothing ever happened. As if he never read that poem. As if they were still the best of friends living their dreams together.
Just maybe.
Through day and nights.
I see your eyes
Sparkle, glinting, dead.
But I still love you.
Lips
From sun to rain
they were chapped, moist and salty.
The beaches, the winds
Could not keep them away.
Not from me
Were we meant to be?
Smile
Bright but confused.
Its always reliable
Keep me safe, warm and yours
That smile is all I need.
Hands
Soft never calloused,
Didn't the guitar hurt?
Warm in mine
All through the winter night
Companionship
You were there.
Chicken soup and all.
Blankets up to my neck
You didn't hear my thank you.
Friendship
Did it matter anymore?
Did I cross the line?
Love me, you did not
Hate me, you should have.
You
Do you even know who you are?
My prince charming from afar
Don't save me, just watch me fall
Just stand next to me
I want to hold you, because I love you. "
"Ryan... that was. Enlightening. Thank you for that. Anyone else?"
He sat back down ears and face burning up. He didn't bother turning behind. He could already see him. Staring agape, in surprise, maybe even horror and disgust. It was all too much and too good. Why him? Why me? Why goddamnit why? Feeling a lump forming in his throat, he quickly coughed before slapping his palms on the table. Mrs Parrish gave him a disapproving glance. But it was mild mixed with the pity he saw that softened her eyes.
A girl, Chelsea, was up next. Her poem was about true love and boundaries and slitting the wrist. He didn't even bother to listen. It was a big scrawl of crap yet for some reason, at the end, everyone cheered. Nobody cheered for him. Compare him to her, she might be winning the presidential elections. He cringed slightly, but she saw it. She threw him a dirty look walking back to her seat. Sebaldt, Tenehaur, Urie.
Three more until him. Until Urie. Could I call in sick? That's stupid. He may not even know. Or maybe he did. Maybe he wouldn't come tomorrow. That would be a good thing.
It was. One week, two absentees, a substitute teacher and many slamming against lockers, attempted rape and reciting of lines from his poem later, it was finally the day. He thought his world has ended. Or coming very close to it anyway.
"Brendon. Finally. You're up then. Blow us all away."
The walk he took in the purple hoodie with no script, seemed to be Ryan's longest wait. With every footstep, Ryan became that much closer to a cardiac arrest. Or he might just vomit. Finally, from the corner of his eye, he saw the red Vans coming into view. Hours later, Brendon Urie reached the front of class. In front of him. Looking straight at him. Shit.
"Mrs. Parrish, I don't have a poem ready."
"Urie this assignment was given weeks ago. How can you not have a poem ready?"
"I already have one. But it doesn't match up with what I really wanna say." A calculating look. What is he about? The whole class went into a hushed conference. Ryan just stared. Mrs Parrish contemplated.
Silence. Deja vu isn't it?
"Well say it." Shocks from the class. And from Brendon. But with a gulp, he started.
"You still remember? Our first day? Flying books and curse words. But you looked at me. I remembered. Right into my eyes. We didn't say a word. How could I not realise you exist?"
"Another fag poem."
"Shut up Chelsea." Even Ryan was surprise at his quick snap.
"You did the same for me. I had the sniffles didn't I? You gave me skittles. You knew it didn't help. You wanted me to be happy. You just wanted me to be happy. I to you too. But not like this. Never like this."
Ryan stared into the hazel eyes, imploring. Each breath he held was a breath Brendon let out. Each word Brendon spoke was like thunder. Loud and echoing in his mind. Brendon looked at him. There was only them two. Everybody must have noticed but nobody said a word. Not even Chelsea.
"I can't make sense. We are more than that. But you're asking for too much. I like the winter day. The indoor camping, the summer road trips and the soft fireplace. But I can't give you all of that. Not now, not ever. We still share memories but I can't help you imagine new ones."
A gasp. Stupid girl at the back. Ryan just stared. His eyes must be red now but he kept silent, waiting. Even Mrs Parrish was looking solemn.
"I can't love you. But hating you would be the last thing on my mind. Further than last. It didn't even cross it. " Silence.
He took tentative steps back to his seat. Ryan didn't turn. He didn't want the class to see his teary eyes. Mrs Parrish pretended to not see them too.
"So Urie, done. Ah five more before the end of presentation. Antonio Valence, you're up."
The past was then drowned out by the accented pronunciation but it remained clear in Ryan's mind. It was crystal in Brendon's too. But neither boy said a word. Until graduation.
Urie
Ross
Congrats on Ivy League.
You too.
Good luck
Yeah. See ya around.
In the end, there was no fairytale. There was no Prince Charming, no more skittles and no more love. But that doesn't mean Ryan ever stopped. He couldn't. It was Brendon he loved now and maybe until he died. Maybe he would see Brendon again. After five years maybe that disarming smile would show. Maybe those playful eyes would make another encore appearance in his life. And just maybe, everything would return back to normal as if nothing ever happened. As if he never read that poem. As if they were still the best of friends living their dreams together.
Just maybe.