Second Heartbeat

I was about halfway through putting MY posters up on my side of the room when the guys got there, Matt answered the door and Jimmy immediately ran over to me and caught me in a crush-your-ribs-stop-you-from-breathing hug that was his usual.

“Haley!”
“Jim Jams! Can’t… breathe.”
“Oops, sorry.”

He set me down and I hugged all of the guys in turn while they came in and got themselves situated around the room.

“Oh, guys this is my roommate Francesca and that’s her boyfriend Matt so you.” I said, pointing at my twin, “my lovely brother, shall be known as Shadz while you’re here.”

He nodded and they all shook hands with Matt and greeted him like he was an old friend. They all seemed to get on well so that was good but I couldn’t help but feel that there was something missing.

I looked around the room to find Justin but instead of him, I found Johnny. That wasn’t too surprising so I simply brushed it off but then instead of seeing Brian, I saw Matt sitting between Zacky and my brother, right where Brian always sat.

Brian was the big missing piece of my life but I didn’t know ANYBODY around who would understand it so I just kept quiet but unless I found an outlet soon, this pressure that was building was just going to burst and I was going to take it out on SOMEONE.

Two months later

“Haley. Haley. Haley! HALEY!”

I bolted straight out of my new bed and landed on the floor in heap, still tangled up in my duvet. I glared up at my newest roommate, Mollie, a British student who had moved to New York a year before to major in medicine and she was doing a minor in music.

A couple of weeks after I started uni I had met her in one of my classes and she had asked me to help tutor her, I agreed and we were soon inseparable. When things in my room with Francesca started to get tense Mollie had offered for me to take the spare room in the apartment that her last roommate had recently vacated.

“Ow. What the hell was that for Mollie?”
”We’ve got a lecture in like… TEN MINUTES.”
“DAMMIT! Why didn’t you ake me up earlier?”
“Cause I just got up like two seconds ago myself.”

I rushed around the room, pulling on my clothes and grabbing books and my laptop. Today we had a guest lecturer who had come from California, he was only here for three days and so I DIDN’T want to be late.

“Come on come on come on!”
“Coming!”

We ran out of our door, down three flights of stairs and across campus to the music block.

We barely got in there just as the guest lecturer was being introduced. The first words that I heard made me feel the need to gasp for air and I felt my chest tightening. I never thought I’d ever hear the name again or have to look him in the eye, see the one I loved mirrored in his image and feel the guilt I had over pushing away his son.

“…please welcome to the stage Mr. Brian Haner.”

Mollie looked at me with a worried expression and asked me if I was okay. I couldn’t answer, I could only force my grip on the table to tighten and my breathing to get more and more shallow. We had two seats in the front so it was only a matter of time before Brian’s Dad noticed me.

“Haley, Haley… what’s wrong?” Mollie whispered urgently.
“Well hi there guys… and girls. Like your professor said, my name is Brian Haner. I’m also known by the name, Guitar Guy. You may have seen me on the Jeff Dunham Show or even have heard of me from when I was still doing stand-up comedy but the guitar is what I’m most well-known for… and… excuse me miss, are you okay?”

He paused for a second, looking at me, trying to work out why he recognized me it seemed.

“Haley? Haley Sanders?”

I shook my head furiously but not at his question, I was getting more and more riled up by the second and the pressure I’d mentioned earlier was close to maximum, one more weird look, one more rude comment and that would be it.

“Stupid ass emo kid, she’s wasting this guys time.” one of the sophomores whispered to her friend behind me.

I shoved my chair back and stood up quickly, blowing papers all over the place.

“I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I’M SORRY! PAPA GATES I’M SORRY! Please! Please… next time you see Brian, please… just let him know that… I’m sorry.”

With that I turned around and ran out of the hall, leaving everyone dumbfounded but I couldn’t stay in there with him. I ran until I was in one of the many parks on campus. I sat down on a bench and pulled up my phone. Turning it on I came face to face with a picture of me and Brian on the beach. I slowly put the headphones in my ears and the first song to come on was Beautiful by Eminem. Oh, the irony.

I sat there for a long time, that song on replay as I spent the next few hours just going through all the pictures I had of me and Brian, when the sun was finally starting to set over the city I got up and started the long walk home. No doubt Mollie would chew me out when I got there.