Forelsket.

Kennedy and Jared nearly left the car screaming ‘happy birthday’ at the top of their lungs, while John ran over to my side of the car and opened the door for me. He stood above me with a smile on his face. I was taken aback, of course. I wasn’t accustomed to people doing that for me, let alone him. The gesture made me blush deep, and I tried my best to fight the colour away from my cheeks. I only imagined I looked like some type of clown, with all the red on my face.

“I’d stick my hand out like a gentleman, but…I doubt you’d, you know, like that much.” I grinned at him, with no effort at all, and got out of Jareds car. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to calm myself – because I needed to be calm. I heard the door slam behind me, and felt John by my side. Just far enough that I wasn’t dying to move away. I opened my eyes, and looked at him quickly. I looked away less than a second later, feeling foolish.

“T-thank you,” I whispered, “for, um, inviting…me.” I figured that was the best my speech was going to be tonight. Awkward at best. But, I told myself, at least it was something. I bit my lip as I looked at John again and he just shrugged. I began to play with my hands, and mentally prepared myself for the awkward night. But, I knew that, I wouldn’t mind it – awkward or not. Besides, it was my first time speaking (really speaking) with a boy who wasn’t Jared – a boy I seemed to taking a liking to, no less. And, I supposed, John had to be interested too, because I doubt we would be here, right now, walking together to a party, if he wasn’t.

“I kind of – I kind of suck with girls,” he chuckled, “Don’t really know how to talk …” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, letting the sentence fade out. There was something in the sentence that made my heart a bit warmer. Something small, and stupid. And, after going over the night in my head once I’d gotten home, I figured out that it was. The fact he had said ‘I suck with girls’, implied that he thought of me as one of them - someone he wanted to make a good impression on. Not only as a friend, it seemed, and the hint in his voice aimed to tell me that.

I smiled, “you seem to be doing fine.” We walked slowly along the driveway up to Tims house. Granted, it took us longer than it should have to actually get into the house and join this ‘party’. But, after a smile, we were quiet, and his attention was quickly stolen once we entered the house together.

“Johno!” The boy who called him kind of looked like a chipmunk – though he had an endearing, adorable face, down-turned eyes. Admittedly, it took long enough for me to finally recognize him – but I put with his face the name Eric. John’s lips lifted at the corners, making a wide smile that made my heart sputter just for a second. I turned away from his face as the two spoke, and looked around the living room. The amount of people made my head spin – so many of them (to me, at least) that could be, potentially, harmful.

The minute the thought turned up in my head, I stopped myself for going any farther. There was absolutely no reason for me to judge these people so harshly, put such a label on them just because I was skeptical. Logically, I knew that not every single person in the world was bad. Not everyone was like my Grandfather (or worse), and I wished I could rid those thoughts completely.

“Hey.” The only reason I knew John was talking to me is because I felt his soft breath ghost over my skin. I turned to him, and smiled (although, it was forced). “You’ve met Eric, right?” I looked at Eric, as though I hadn’t already taken him into account already. Slowly, I nodded, and Eric gave me a large grin. The kind that was goofy without meaning to be. I almost chuckled.

“Jareds cousin,” he nodded, “Hey pretty lady,” He laughed at himself, the words spoken with a slight accent. And, though my face grew hot, I remembered that he had said that to me the last time we spoke and gave a short laugh.

“Yeah…” I bit on my lip, played with my thumbs and slowly glanced at John.

“Anyways,” John said, “see you later, Halvo.” I think that, before John even finished the sentence, ‘Halvo’ had disappeared, already moved onto the next person. John slowly shook his head, and turned to me.

“Sorry,” He shrugged, “You’ve got my full attention for the rest of the night.” As soon as he said it, he kind of just paused and shook his head at himself, letting out a nervous chuckle. “Sorry. That was..that was stupid.”

And when I looked at him, I saw it then, a light shade of pink coloring his face – I smiled at him, a smile big enough to let out a short laugh. But I couldn’t respond to him, and I had seemed to be filtering myself quite thoroughly – if I hadn’t really thought about what I was going to say and his possible responses afterwords, I hadn’t said it. As we walked quietly through out the loud house, all I kept thinking was that he must be so bored and I didn’t know how I could turn the situation around. I realized I didn’t really know how to have fun, and while it was pathetic, it seemed to be true.

And, in result of those thoughts, I began to worry that, perhaps he wouldn’t like me after all. Perhaps, after tonight, he would give up on his former interests and something about that had really disappointed me. I couldn’t quite explain it – I just know that for once, I felt okay around someone. Even if he still made me nervous, it was mostly in this different kind of way that I hadn’t really felt before. Even though the possibility of him being harmful was still there, it was small – and seemingly fading away every time we spoke.

I didn’t want to bore him, but, by god, that was exactly what I was doing. So, after ten minutes of standing with him, people watching in silence, I cleared my throat.

“Y-You…You can drink if you want,” I shrugged, playing with my thumbs as my face grew hot. “I know I’m – uh – boring?” it came out as more of a question and the next words I spoke were rushed, “I’m sorry.”

I felt myself start to shake, and I knew he was looking at me, because I could feel it. I felt uncomfortable under his gaze. The intensity of it reminded me how Grandpa would look at me moments before he –

“No – No,” John shook his head. “You’re not boring. I’m sorry. I – I should’ve …” He stopped in the middle of the sentence and turned to me. “Hey, want to go for a walk? I guess a party isn’t the, you know…perfect place to get to know someone.” And I knew it was Tims party, and that it might be rude if we left, but when I brought it up, John had merely dismissed it and continued to lead me back out of the house. I was thankful, really – the party scene wasn’t exactly my thing.

I looked down as John and I walked together down the sidewalk. It seemed that it didn’t matter where we were – quiet or a party – conversation simply didn’t come easy. I blamed myself – I was awkward and he was…cute. And the thought made me even more nervous. I chewed on my lip and began to count – it kept thoughts away sometimes. And kept me at least a bit more calm.

“Why do you do that?” He said, “Look down all the time?” I looked at him, really looked at him. And I fought the urge to look down again because I didn’t really want to. I shrugged at him, and (being intimidated) slowly looked away from him again.

“I’m not sure…” I whispered. Quiet. Again. I nearly wanted to punch myself into suddenly becoming aware of social skills, but I was so afraid of appearing stupid in front of him that I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. It was dark out and we were walking and I hadn’t really learned a single thing about him. I should have stayed home.

“Okay,” He sighed, “you have to stand on this side, please.” He pointed to the opposite side of him, and gave me a sheepish smile. “I just…what if a car fuckin’ swerves over the sidewalk? And I mean, you’re right there.” I laughed – because he was talking really fast and it was kind of cute. I switched sides, only to easy his mind and looked at him, feeling rather amused.

“What if a wild animal comes out from this side, though? And it attacks me?” I didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they seemed effortless, and it was funny how quickly conversations could change that way.

“Oh jesus,” He groaned, “Don’t confuse me, Liese.” I laughed again, and bit my lip.

“Sorry.” He just turned to me and smiled and took a deep breath.

“You’re not boring,” he informed me. “We’re just fuckin’ awkward. And I don’t blame you, just…so you know. And, I don’t wish I was at the party, instead of here. I’ve known those people a long time, you know? I’m not missing out, if that’s what you think.” I realized he kind of rambled when he was nervous – when he thought he was making a fool of himself. But what made me smile was that, he still said it. No filter. He just said it, and if he could, then couldn’t I? I’d work on it, I promised myself.

“Thank you, John.” I looked at him and he smiled and nodded and it was quiet again. I surveyed the scenery – it was familiar and didn’t really interest me. But I could certainly pretend. I looked at the stars in the sky, at the moon, at the sidewalk, across the street. John. Trees. John. John…John. Because, okay, I really did like the color of his eyes, and his awkward haircut suited him, and he really did scare me – I didn’t know if I could really trust him. People can completely earn your trust before betraying you – stranger things have happened. But he didn’t seem that way. But neither did grandpa.

“You’re scared.” The way he said it was as though he didn’t realize it – like he thought it was a thought running about inside his head. It was quiet, but sharp and it took me by surprise.

“What?” I said it louder than I have said any word and I was shocked he had said that. He noticed?

“Sorry,” he shook his head, “I just see it, you know? It’s fucking creepy, but I – I watch you sometimes, and…then there's that time you came to my house…” I had almost forgotten about that. “I just mean, I don’t know what happened, but I know something did. And I’m sorry that anything bad ever happens to you, Annaliese.”

“You – you don’t even know me.”

He shook his head. “I know that you don’t deserve to be so sad. You’re beautiful, you know? You are. And you have a good heart. Fuck, you made me a dream catcher for my birthday – you barely even knew me.”

I blushed at the compliment, but pushed it away. “I barely know you now.” I pointed out. We walked a few more steps before we came across a bench and he stopped, held out his hand toward the seat.

“Wanna sit?” Was I supposed to say? No? So I sat, jumping at the sudden sound of a car speeding passed. He sat next to me and took in a deep breath. “My moms name is Jenny, and my dad’s name is John. I have two younger brothers: Ross and Shane. I play piano, guitar, and attempt to sing…I was born August 4th, I hate pictures. Lets see…I love my family more than the world. And Tom Petty and - ”

“John?”

He finally looked at me after his ramble (even though I listened and took in everything he said), and said, “What? You’re getting to know me.” I smiled at him and shook my head.

“No, those are only facts. I don’t know your mannerisms, when to talk or leave you alone…that stuff.”

“Well, I guess we’ll have to hang out a lot more,” he laughed. My heart fluttered and my stomach flopped and his smile was beautiful to me (scary thought).

“I guess so.”

And I guessed that, after that day, it was kind of set. There was some sort of mutual agreement that night, and the silence as we walked back to Tims party wasn’t as unbearable.

It was also the first night a boy had ever called me beautiful, and even if John and I had never talked again, I’d always remember him and that moment. I wasn’t sure if it was a girl thing – it didn’t matter. That night, I was just giddy with the implication that he wanted to ‘hang out’ again. And scared with the notion that I was going to risk it.