Forelsket.

I watched Jared pace angrily in the hall of the hospital. I had curled myself on an uncomfortable chair, resting my chin on my knees and letting my hair hide my face. Because at that moment, that was all I wanted to do – hide.

Neither Jared or John had spoken a single word as we followed the ambulance to the hospital. And niether one of them said anything as we sat in this hospital, but I could tell they wanted to. John was sat beside me, his elbows on his knees and his forehead resting in his hands, and he shook his head every so often. And then I’d look at Jared, who had shaking hands and watery eyes, and I didn’t know what to say to either of them. I wanted to say sorry, but there was still a lump in my throat, and my heart was quivering with nervousness – embarassment. Shame.

We must have been there for at least ten minutes before Jared spotted Lindsay running down the hall to us and he looked at me, with a certain kind of look in his eyes. I shook my head, and I thought not now, and I think he knew that, but he was angry. He was angry at Grandpa, and angry at me for not wanting to tell anyone. Lindsay ran up to us, tears in her eyes. Some falling from her chin.

“What the fuck.” She tried to make a strong voice, but it sounded fragile. And shakey. “What the fuck, Annaliese! Why couldn’t you take care of him?” Johns head quickly snapped up and he glared toward her. Because now he knew and she didn’t.

“I-I’m sorry.” Quiet. Unsteady. From the corner of my eye, I saw John look at me, almost shocked that I had apologized. I didn’t know what else to say – what could I have said?

“I hope you’re happy,” She hissed. Turned to Jared “Where is he?” Jared pointed down the hall with an open-hand and an annoyed look on his face. Lindsay had sped off before he had even made the action.

“Hey, man.” I had only noticed Tim was there when Jared turned to him. And was thankful Tim was there, because that meant the attention wasn’t crushing me. Tim nodded his response and sat down next to John, and shook his head.

“This is awful,” He said, “Lindsay’s really torn up over this.” With a final sigh, Tim looked at me, “I’m really sorry about your Grandpa.” I simply nodded, and adjusted myself so that I was comfortably resting my chin on my knees, and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want them to see me cry.

For the most part, we had sat in silence, and after ten minutes had passed, Jared finally sat down and drew out a long breath. I barely noticed my surroundings at that point – my vision and hearing were equally blurred. The entire situation began to feel like a dream to me, and I felt like I was watching from someone elses eyes as my parents ran in and rapidly moved their lips, worry indented in the form of lines in my fathers forehead. They were both staring at me after their lips stopped moving, but I didn’t really hear them.

Jared stood up then and lead them to Grandpa’s room, while I remained sat in the chair as I chewed on the sleeve of my thin sweater. When my mother and Jared came back to the rest of us, my mother had a frown on her face. Jared slowly walked over to me, and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, which brought me back into my body.

I looked at my mother and scrunched my eyebrows, “Whats happening?” My voice was hardly a whisper, but in the silence, she heard it. She shook her head, sat on the other side of me.

“Well,” she sighed, “You might want to go see Grandpa. Your dad’s talking to the Doctor now, but I can’t imagine it will be much longer.” My body stiffened, and I didn’t really know what to say, a lump formed in my throat. I swallowed hard to get it away, though it barely worked. And, due to words failing me, I had only found one circling my brain.

“Okay.” I was sure I sounded insensative – like I didn’t have an absolute care in the world that my Grandfather was dying. And I was expected to take it really hard, wasn’t I? I was his favourite, and so I should be gutted. We’re so close, they thought, so I should be in a ocean of my own tears. But I wasn’t, I didn’t know how to feel about it at all, so my mind was blank.

I didn’t want to see my mothers expression, she probably looked worried and shocked at my small response. I thought, maybe she would take it as a coping-type thing. And, I was right, I suppose, because after I had remained seated, my mother sighed (she seemed to be doing that a lot lately) and said:

“Okay, Honey. Take your time.” Her hand rubbed my back lightly before pulling her hand away quickly. She rose to her feet and walked off. Eyes watering, I put my head in my hands, and Jared came over, carefully hugging me.

“It’s okay, Liese,” He said, “Do you want to stay at my house?” I slowly nodded, and despite the heaviness in my heart, felt myself blushing from embarassment. I hate that Jared and John had to see that.



I had only gotten the courage to stand and walk into grandpa’s room when John and Tim had decided to leave. John had given me a small, warm smile, though there was a hint of sympathy behind it. I wanted to tell him, I’m so sorry you had to see that, but I only mustered a wave, and watched as they disappeared down the hall.

Needless to say, Jared and I hadn’t stayed long after that, and we were at his house before I really could catch up with all that had happened that day. As we were walking in, Jareds dad and mom were heading out – to the hospital, I supposed. They had barely glanced at us, other than telling Jared there was left over spaghetti on the counter.

When Jared and I got to the kitchen, he popped the pasta in the microwave and grabbed two dishes from the cupboard. We had sat in silence for the most part of the day, but I doubt either one of us could word our sentences properly.

But, after sending a text, Jared looked at me and said, “Johno’s coming.” I almost groaned – it wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him. It was that I didn’t want him to see me. There was an incredible difference in that and I felt myself grow nervous.

“J-Jared…” I stuttered, voice clogged, “He can’t.” I was aware that it hadn’t made sense for me to say that, but I couldn’t think of a better way to say ‘tell him no’.

“Liese,” he sighed, “John’s not the type of person to forget about what we saw today. He’s probably really worried about you, okay?”

“I just – I’m embarassed. He’s probably disgusted and..” I huffed, and threw my arms on the table, burrying my head inside of them. I swear, I had heard a small chuckle from Jared, but hadn’t bothered looking up at him.

“He is disgusted. With Grandpa,” Jared stressed. “Is that what you think about yourself? That you’re disgusting because of what he did? Because you’re not – it was never your fault, okay? Fuck him, and anything else that makes you feel like you’re not good enough.”

“Okay.” I mumbled, though the words he spoke struck a chord in my heart and eased tears from my eyes with barely any effort. And so, we sat, eating spaghetti and waiting for John.



As expected, the air grew thick as soon as I caught sight of John. Who immediately dropped his over night bag and began to walk to me, but stopped short and frowned.

“I was going to hug you.” Was all he said, in a voice that was barely a whisper. I almost smiled at how cute and innocent he looked as he played with his fingers and turned around quickly to sit down. But my trembling insides wouldn’t allow me to. So many things were running through my head – and the last thing I wanted was for him to feel sorry for me.

“Okay,” Jared whistled, trying to take the awkwardness away from the situation. It hadn’t worked, however. And we were, once again, left with a thick silence. I bit on my lip and focussed on my shaking hands in my lap.

“Analiese?” John cleared his through as I looked up at him. “I – I don’t know what to say, except, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through at all, but if you ever want to talk about it, I’ll be here.” And, because I’m a baby, my eyes watered as I nodded.

“Thanks,” I choked. Had I not heard the absolute sincereity in his voice, I might have questioned him. And it felt nice to not question someone.

We didn’t bring the subject up any more than that, and we spent the entire night in front of the television with snacks. They joked around while I watched, and if ever their goal was to take my mind off of things, they were successful. The entire night I was solely focussed on Jared and John. The two people I actually trusted.