Forelsket.

Later that night, we had all retreated to Jareds room. Shortly after Jared had forced me to take the bed, he had fallen fast asleep, and I never understood how he could just do that. Fall asleep so quickly. At night, my brain ran a million miles a minute, and it took me hours to fall asleep. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with the active brain. My ears seemed to focus on the sound of John sighing and moving around, and when I opened one of my eyes, he was sitting up, just staring at me.

I wasn’t too sure if he thought I was sleeping or not. So I opened both of my eyes. He looked away from me then, and absentmindedly fiddled with his fingers. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to speak to me or just sit there in the silence, but I began to get nervous anyways.

“Annaliese?” His voice was faint, and I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t know if I wanted to start this conversation right now (or ever). But, I had decided that it might be better for me to talk about things – and if I trusted John, I was bound to speak about this sooner or later. So, I mustered up one small word:

“Yes?” No matter how small the word was, it urged a huge topic. It said, ‘I’m ready to talk about this’, even though I wasn’t sure I really was. But I decided I couldn’t go back. I just kept thinking it might be better to talk about it. And I kept thinking that John, who seemed so sincere, would not judge me. I trusted that.

“Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine.” I really had felt fine – not good, exactly. But fine. I don’t think I ever knew how to deal with what had been happening to me. Sometimes, I didn’t feel anything about it. The honest truth is that I didn’t feel sorry for myself. It had deeply affected me, of course. And maybe I should have gone to therapy to sort myself out. But I didn’t feel like I needed to do those types of things. The situation was surreal to me, and it was so odd. It made me sad sometimes, and it made me contemplate killing myself.

And I was ready to at one point. But I chose to live and be fine. I used to tell myself that, maybe one day I’ll be ‘good’ or’great’.

But, maybe, fine was my surrender word. Maybe I had given up.

John drew a breath and said,“Okay.”

Silence.

“C-Can I ask you something?” He stuttered, and I heard him shift closer to me. When I looked at him, I could tell he was trying to keep distance without staying farther away from me.

“Sure.” I turned on my side to face him. And I didn’t know where I built the courage to do that – I supposed it was because there he was, someone who wasn’t Jared, trying to understand the situation I was in. He wanted to know and listen and help, for lack of a better word.

“When…When did…”

“When I was about ten,” I whispered, “it got worse when I was twelve and…yeah.”

“How did you deal with it on your own for so long?” The question was odd to me, and I had to think about it. But I realized that I didn’t actually have an answer. So I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess I tried to depersonalized myself from it. I used to live in my head a lot. Day dream…and stuff.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I was scared. I still am.”

“I’m really sorry you had to go through that alone. I promise, I won’t let you go through anything alone again.” The breath I was about to take caught in my throat from his words. I couldn’t understand why he seemed to care so much when we had barely known each other. But his care struck the core of my heart – I was sure, then, that he was one of a kind.

“That – That’s a big promise,” I finally managed. I hadn’t known what else to say – I guess I wanted to make sure he was sure. I’d hate to hold onto a promise that would be broken too soon.

But, he kind of laughed and said, “That’s okay. I won’t break it.”



I had known what morning meant – morning meant lectures from Jared, and that was exactly the reason that, the moment I woke up, I willed myself to go back to sleep. I wished really hard for it, and told myself I was tired and I needed to sleep more. I needed to. Because I didn’t want to talk about it – I didn’t want Jared to worry so much about me telling my family what happened, and runing everything they thought they knew.

I couldn’t bring myself to possibly recite the memories that floated through my brain on a daily basis. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt them – because that was exactly what it would do. If they even believed me, anyways.

I rolled about on Jareds bed for a long while before my bones got restless. I hadn’t heard either of them in the room, but to make sure, I turned to the other side and peeked onto the floor. The only thing left were messed up blankets and crunched up pillows. So, I opened my eyes fully, watching the sunlight seep through the window. I didn’t much care for the time, my nervous stomach and racing heart and mind were set on the soon-to-come/unavoidable conversation between Jared and I.

Slowly, I sat up in the bed, fingers shaking, if only a little. I bit on my lip and looked out passed the open door, into the hall. I was met with a white wall. I took a few moments to myself to build up enough courage to rise from the bed and face Jared and John. I slowly tip-toed myself down the stairs, hardwood cold on the balls of my feet.

When they were within my vision the floor creeked– they stopped talking and snapped their heads in my direction. Both have a serious case of bed-head. They only stared at me, and I looked at Jared who seemed to be a magnet, so I sighed. I walked toward them, and sat on the stool beside John, resting my elbows on the marble counter.

Behind Jared, the heated stove made the oil in the shallow pan sizzle, and I tried to focus on that. I focussed on the egg carton beside the stove, the loaf of bread beside the toaster, the butter waiting there, too.

“Annaliese,” Jared said, “You have to tell your family whats going on.” I think Jared had come to realize that there was no certain, easy way to approach the topic, and he probably found it easier to blurt these things out as they popped into his head.

I fiddled with my fingers and shook my head, shaking. “Jared, I – I just. Can’t.” I couldn’t look at him, but I could feel his anger rising.

“God damn it, Liese!” He shouted, “When the fuck do you plan on telling them?”

“Jared,” John interferred.

“I don’t understand it! Why won’t you tell them! Everything would be easier for you!” I knew Jared loved me, and his yelling did make me shiver. It wasn’t him, and I knew that. So long as I knew that, I could accept that the situation overall was bothering him, and it wasn’t that he hated me. It was only that he was worried for me.

“It doesn’t,” I choked, “It doesn’t work like that.” I shook my head several times, squeezed my eyes shut tightly.

“It’s never going to fucking work if you don’t make it!” Jared pounded closed fists on the marble, and I imagine the imapct shooting up his arm in a dull pain. I flinched.

“Jared.” John.

“You know what? Do what you want, Annaliese. Do whatever the fuck you want.”

“Jared!” John rose from his seat, hands planted on the marble counter top. “Come on, man. Calm down.”

Slowly, it grows quiet, and slowly, I look up at the scene. Jared had defused and he looked so sorry, he didn’t even need to apologize. He quickly turned around and began to cook breakfast. John sat back down and sighed, and I felt him turn toward me.

“He’s right though,” he whispered, “you have to tell them. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.”

I knew that. I knew he was right – I knew they were both right. But, “I can’t.” I shook my head, and drew in a shaking breath to keep the tears at bay.

He leaned in closer to me, and I was nearly forced to look him in the eye.

“Don’t belittle yourself,” he told me, “you’re a lot stronger than you think.”

You’re a lot stronger than you think.

I hadn’t thought anything of myself, so how could he?

I spent the entire day floating through my brain, trying to figure out all my emotions and realized that, I had none. I hadn’t given it much thought before, I just let myself be. But I didn’t feel sad or happy or upset or angry or anything like that. But then, maybe that meant I was just sad, all the time, and I had grown so accustomed to it. Maybe I was the deepest form of sad, and it happedn a lot time ago, and I hadn’t clawed myself out.

Then my heart began to ache, a weird kind of way that made it feel like it was being peeled apart, layer by layer, like an onion.

Somewhere between John and Jared going to band practice and arriving back home, I had plopped myself in front of the television with Jareds father while his mother made dinner. They had offered to take me along, but I just needed time. To figure everything out. To figure myself out.

When they arrived, Jared called that John was here for dinner and that he was going to take a shower. In a matter of seconds, John was beside me (after throwing a greeting to Jareds parents), kind enough to leave a spae between the two of us. And I didn’t want to just sit there, like a blob. I, for once, wanted a boy to like me, and maybe it was a long-shot. But, through my nervousness, I managed to gather thoughts.

“How was practice?” I took a glimpse at John, and he was smiling largely.

“Good,” he nodded. “How are you?”

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch, but did not smile. I decided to be honest, “I’m not sure.” He Only nodded, instead of looking taken back. Which was nice, or I think I might have felt discouraged. We silently watched the television, but I didn’t know what was happening within that box.

“So, hey,” John said quickly, turning himself to kind-of look at me. “I know that party was kind of lame for you – and of me for taking you to such a crowed place. I was stupid with that idea. But, I-I’d, you know, kind of like to try again?” The whole thing rushed out of his mouth like vomit, but I smiled.

To make sure, I asked, “what do you mean?” Because I almost couldn’t believe he was still interested in me, after everything.

He took a breath, broke eye contact. “I mean, wanna do something together? Like, a movie or something? I don’t know…” My heart fluttered, and my shaking voice said:

“Y-Yeah. Thanks.” Thanks? Stupid.

He laughed. The sound was sweet and light, like how he made me feel.