Would You Love Me, Would You Hold Me?

***1 week later***

Nick was pissed at me, no doubt. He hadn't spoken to me at all this past week ever since what I asked him in the cafeteria. He completely ignored me in meetings, didn't sit next to me anymore. He ate at a different table, far from mine. And he just stayed in his room now instead of going out to the lounge at night. All I asked him was if he was going through a divorce. I didn't fucking ask him how big his dick was or anything, lord.

And if he's going to get this upset over me asking him that, then I don't think he's worth it. Who gets that upset over a question?! Really?!

I rolled my eyes when he walked into our morning meeting. He sat across from me, avoiding eye contact. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Lisa had noticed our "strange behavior", and questioned me about it. I just told her it was none of her fucking business.

I didn't pay attention to what she was saying when she was talking to the other people in the meeting, I paid attention to Nick. He looked depressed. He kept his head down and played with his hands. It made me sad to see him like that, honestly, but he's the reason we're not talking. It's his fault.

"So Nick, how've you been doing?" Lisa asked. I looked at him, waiting for him to answer.

"Not so good." He said, barely audible.

"Why?" She asked softly.

"Thinking I had someone, like they told me, and then I figure out they were just playing with my mind." He spat, glaring up at me for the first time.

"Are you fucking kidding me Nick?" I scoffed. The whole room became quiet. "Well?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"No. I'm not." He mumbled. I shrugged.

"Not my fault you're a pussy." I instantly regretted saying that when I saw the hurt wash over his face. And this is the first time I've ever regretted saying anything to anybody.

"Joanna, that was completely unnecessary." Lisa scolded.

"Fuck you," My eyes widened as Nick shakily said this to me. "You tell me you have my back, and this is what you do to me. You're a great person, Joanna."

He stood up and quickly walked out of the meeting. Lisa sighed and shook her head. "Joanna, I'm going to-"

"Hell is probably more enjoyable than this fucking dump!" I exclaimed, standing up and knocking the chair I was sitting in over. I stormed out of the room, a guard trying to take me to my room. "Can I go to room 112?" I sighed.

"No." The guard said sternly.

"Please? I want to talk with him. You can stand there and watch, I don't care." The guard rolled his eyes, probably loving it here as much as I did, and walked me to Nick's room. And there he was, sitting on his bed.

Crying.

He looked up when he heard the door open, and I felt my stomach drop.

"Go away!" He exclaimed, his voice cracking."I don't wanna talk to you, or look at you, or be around you ever a-fucking-gain!"

Words never hurt me. I've been told so many worse things than that, I've been called such horrid names, and I didn't even flinch. But hearing Nick say he basically wanted nothing to do with me hurt. Big time.

"You don't mean that." I said softly, walking over to him. He scooted away from me when I sat down on his bed next to him. "Nick, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry if I lead you on and hurt you. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"That's what they all say." He mumbled, looking down at the ground. I reached over to pet his hair, but he pushed my hand away lightly. "I don't care how pissed you are at me, I care about you, alright?" I snapped. He still didn't look at me, his eyes stayed focused on the ground. "You're the only one in this shit-tastic joint that is decent and that I can actually stand. That's saying a lot."

"Quit feeding me bullshit." He muttered angrily, wiping at his eyes. I sighed and rested my elbows on my knees, putting my face in my hands. "I said I was sorry. I can't take back what I said, and to be quite honest, I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of what I said."

"You don't understand why I'm making such a big deal?!" He shrieked, finally turning his head to look at me. "I needed someone around to help me heal because I'm getting a divorce, and I thought you were that person! But I can see now that you aren't. You just were using me as your little plaything, because you were bored."

"BULLSHIT!" I yelled, making him flinch. "Nick, if you knew me at all, you would know that it is very unlike me to act the way I act towards you. You know, caring and loving. I'm a bitch to everybody I come in contact with, and everyone I know, except you." He stared at me, listening to what I had to say. "And I'm scared that someone's actually making me be nice to them, and making me care about them. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time, and I'm scared shitless."

I heard the door quietly close behind me, and Nick peered over my shoulder. I turned my head and saw the guard had gotten bored of standing there staring at us, and probably figured we weren't gonna kill each other, so he closed the door.

"What do you feel?"

"Huh?" I turned my head back and raised my eyebrow at his question. "You said you haven't felt this way in a long time. What feeling is that?"

I sighed. Now it was my turn to look down at the floor. "The feeling of actually caring about someone. Worrying if they're alright, if they're sad or if they're hurting, and wanting to fix it if they are. Actually giving a shit about someone other than yourself. I don't do that. And I don't understand why you're making me feel like this. No one makes me feel like this."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a smile form on his face, probably the first one he's had all week. "You don't have to be scared," He whispered. I felt his hand on my back, rubbing it slowly. "there's nothing wrong with feeling that way."

"Yeah there is." I snapped. I looked at him in an apologetic matter after I did so, though. "I'm not supposed to be like this. Not after everything I went through. I'm not supposed to trust anyone anymore. I promised myself I wouldn't, and I promised myself I wouldn't care about anyone other than myself. And now I'm breaking that little rule I made for myself, and I'm horrified. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore," Nick laughed a little and I looked at him, the expression on my face making him laugh harder. "Well I don't! I don't know what the fuck "love" is! And I don't think I want to know!"

"Maybe that's why you're depressed." He said softly, his laughter dying down after a minute. "You're not letting anything love you, and you're not loving anything back."

"I can't be loved. I'm so fucked up." I grumbled.

"You're not as bad as you make yourself out to be, Joanna."

"You don't know me that well, then." I laughed. I froze when his arm wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. "Loosen up, Ms. Ice." He teased. I rolled my eyes and let my body relax, my head resting in the crook of his neck now. "If I don't know you that well, then tell me what I don't know. Because I want to know. Maybe I can help you."

"Why would you want to help me?" I whispered. I felt him press his lips to the top of my head, making me feel...different. Way different than I ever have before. I felt safe, for once.

"Because you deserve to be happy, Joanna."

The unfamiliar feeling of a lump in my throat and my eyes becoming glassy hit me like a huge box of rocks, right in the face. I blinked repeatedly, trying to get it to go away. But it didn't. Instead, it quickly overflowed and I felt a tear make its way down my cheek.

"No one's ever told me that before." He pulled away slightly and tilted my chin up to look at him. He cupped my face gently and brushed away the tear with his thumb. "Well I'm glad I'm the first, then." He smiled. I leaned in, letting our foreheads press against each other and our noses nuzzle.

"So am I."