Bruised and Scarred

You could say I went a little crazy. Maybe I did, but it was for the best. First off? I bleached my hair blonde. Platinum blonde. After that, I chopped it off. My beloved hair barely touched my chin. It felt light, and it was like after cutting my hair, a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. They say in Asia, when a woman cuts off her long hair, it’s symbolic for a new beginning, a new chapter in the story of her life. And it held true in that moment. I gave them the platinum credit card with Jonathan’s name on it, and smiled at them and told the hair dresser to give himself a nice tip. I looked in the mirror, staring at my reflection for a moment.
I was almost a whole new person, but the transformation wasn’t complete yet. No, not yet. I smiled and grabbed my things, and left the hair salon in the mall, and got lost in the sea of shoppers before making my way towards Sephora to get a new makeup look. They circled my green eyes in turquoise liner, putting a smidge of black liner on the waterline of my eyes. I chose a bright, hot pink lip stain to go with the new makeup, along with some expensive foundation, cream blush, and many different perfumes I had been dying to get for the past year.

After I paid for everything at Sephora, I decided to start renovating my drab wardrobe. I went to various stores, picking almost anything and everything in my size off the racks, and once my arms were overflowing with new, fashionable clothes I dropped them onto the check out counter, and the look on the cashiers face was priceless. I would occasionally pick out a few bracelets or rings they had on display, and once I was done at one store, it was onto the next. I was going to leave a dent in Jonathans’ bank account, it was time for revenge. And I always loved revenge. By the time I was at Victoria’s Secret, I had decided what I was going to wear out of the mall, showing off my new look to the world. I had picked out a
cream colored pinspot bra with lace trim, along with the matching thong to go under a bright orange skirt that hugged my hips and showed off my wonderful legs, along with a vibrant purple ruffled neck camisole, and a white cropped bikers jacket. I slipped on a pair of black vans I had bought at the shoe store, and filled all my new makeup and necessary items into a new camel colored leather clutch. I looked in the mirror, and was almost satisfied.

I draped my neck with a black cascade beaded bib necklace, and adorned my ears with a pair of metal disk chandelier earrings. I slipped a black two-finger cross ring onto my right hand, and ruffled my hair a bit as I looked at myself. I was almost done. I pushed a pair of black wayfarer sunglasses onto my face, and smiled more than I had ever smiled before. I was complete. But, even though I looked complete; new hair, new clothes, new look. I didn’t feel new. I felt old, shriveled up and broken inside. I guess material things really didn’t fix problems. But, I knew what could. I left the mall and got into my car, driving off to my apartment, which when I thought about it, was more like Jonathan’s apartment. Everything was Jonathans. Until today, that is.

I found the spare key, and made sure he wasn’t inside before making my way to the bedroom, and throwing all my belongings onto the bed, and grabbing my suitcases and packing everything messily into it before pressing my body on top of it to zip it close. I grabbed my last tube of my favorite red lipstick, and twisted it up all the way, and went into the bathroom and looked at the mirror, and began to write a simple message on it.

I’m leaving you, you pretentious douchebag. I hope you’re happy. I know I am.
Fuck you,
Emmeline.

I don’t know what had come over me, but I felt different. I felt a sense of power over the situation. I smeared the lipstick onto my lips, and pressed my soft lips against the cool reflective glass, leaving my mark before wiping the mess off my lips and leaving the apartment. I looked around one last time, and noticed something I didn’t before. A crystal vase, with a note. It was probably an apology gift. But, it was an apology I wasn’t willing to accept. I grabbed the vase, and threw it across the room, and smiled and laughed as I watched it shatter into a million tiny pieces. I lugged my suitcase down the many stairs of the apartment complex, and threw it into the backseat of my car, and starting driving.

I had no clue where I was driving, or where I was going. I didn’t really think this out, but once I found a pretty decent motel, one I was pretty sure was cockroach free, I checked in and checked my new iPhone. I fell back onto the bed, and scrolled through all my contacts, and stopped when I saw Derek’s name staring at me intensely. It was as if he was begging me to call him, or text him. As if the name alone could tell me what he wanted from me. I sighed, and pressed the call button on the screen, and on the third ring he picked up.

“Emmeline, where the hell are you? I’m worried as fuck. We couldn’t find you, and I thought something bad happened.” His words were rushed, and filled with anxiety, it almost made me smile, realizing how much he was worrying about me, how much he cared about me.
“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“Emmeline, where are you?” I began laughing.

“Emmeline, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m great.”
“Where are you?” I gave him the motel’s name.

“What the hell are you doing at a motel?”

“I ran away, I needed a place to stay the night.” I could tell he was trying not to pull his hair out at this point.

“Why couldn’t you stay with me or Krys? You didn’t have to leave town.” I frowned, and let out a sigh.

“Yeah, I actually did. I have to leave town, for good Derek. Don’t you get it? If I stay there, anywhere near there, he’ll find me. He’ll kill me.”

“What are you talking about Em? Are you high? What’s going on?” I bit my lip, forgetting for a moment that Derek didn’t know that Jonathan was abusive towards me. But, there was no better time than the present. Right?

“Come find me, stay the night with me and we’ll talk. Okay?” I heard him let out a soft sigh.

“I don’t know.”

“Please? Please Derek? I don’t want to stay alone in a sleazy hotel. Just this once?” I heard him mutter a curse under his breath, and I knew I had him.

“Fine, I’ll come find you. Stay where you are, okay? Are you sure everything’s okay though?” I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, I’m sure everything’s okay.” After the reassurance we hung up, then I sighed in the silence.

“At least, everything’s okay for now.” I muttered to myself. I turned on the crappy basic cable tv, and watched Spanish soap operas in wait, hoping I didn’t have to wait for very long.
----
It had been at least an hour before I heard the secret signal that Derek and I had created when we were younger, which brought an immediate smile to my face. I walked up to the door, and peeked through the peephole and saw that it was a very worried Derek. I unlocked the door, and opened it and he jumped back in shock when he saw me.

“What did you do to yourself?” He asked, staring at me with wide eyes.

“What? You don’t like it?” I asked him, and he quickly shook his head.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, but. It’s just that, it’s different. It’s not what I expected from you.” I smiled softly at him, and grabbed his hand before leading him inside. Once we were both in the motel room, I shut the door and locked it once again.

“So, why did you decide to run away?” He looked me in the eyes, and shook his head.

“You’re not high or anything, I don’t smell alcohol. You’re completely sober.” I just nodded.

“What’s going on Emmeline?”

“I needed to get away from everything, okay?” He frowned, looking at me.

“But why? What was wrong with what you had? You had the perfect boyfriend, you were happy. Why would that make you want to run?” I bit my lip, and averted my eyes to the floor.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about my life Derek,”

“Like what?”

“Like, I’m not really as happy as I say I am, like I feel like with every second passing by I’m dying inside.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly, comfortingly.

“Emmeline…”

“Derek,” I looked up at him, and was fighting tears.

“I couldn’t stand it anymore. I couldn’t stand living a lie.” I stepped closer to him, and we were almost touching.

“What do you mean?”

“Derek, who was the girl from high school that you were in love with?”

“Why do you keep asking me that question?”

“Why do you keep avoiding the question?”

“Maybe because I don’t think she could reciprocate the feelings I have for her still, I don’t even think she’s the same person I knew in high school. She’s so different now.”

“Derek, is that girl, is that girl me?” The look that was shared between us at that point, it was filled with something thick and tangible. It was something I hadn’t felt in my entire life. The answer was obvious, but he sealed it with a soft, tender kiss. The kiss was quickly turning into more, and as it was getting heated I was growing nervous. I was a virgin, I had never given it up. Was I really going to let Derek be the one to take it?

“Derek, wait,” He was on top of me, my jacket was off and my camisole was pushed up revealing my bra, and my skirt was ready to come off.

“What’s wrong?” I looked up at him.

“I have something you should know before…before we go to far.” He looked at me, worry in his eyes once again.

“What is it Emmeline?”

“I’m still a virgin,” My voice was barely a whisper, but he heard me loud and clear. After I told him, his whole mood changed.

“We can’t then,” I looked up at him, hurt in my eyes.

“Why not?”

“Because, I don’t want your first time to be like this, in a cheesy motel, you being in hiding from everyone. I want it to be special, for the both of us.”

“But, Derek.” He shook his head, and kissed my forehead gently.

“We’re going to wait, okay? It’s for the best. Trust me.” I looked up at him, and nodded.

“Okay,”

“Emmeline?” I looked up at him, and nodded in acknowledgement.

“Do you love me?” I hid my face in his bare chest, and nodded.

“I always have,” I mumbled against his warm skin.

“Good,” We chuckled softly, and showered each other in soft, sweet innocent kisses before lying in bed, in each others’ arms. We fell asleep like that, and I felt like I had found the missing piece in my heart that I had been searching for.