Kendall

Essie's crying brings me back to consciousness. I wish I wouldn't have woken up, just stayed sleeping forever. I really enjoy dreamless sleep. Most nights were nightmares that made me wake up with a cold sweat and my heart pounding.

I stumble out of bed and walk to the small window. I look out here every morning and I am greeted with the same perfect cloudless pale pink and blue sky. It doesn't rain here often in the small town of Onyx. This town is full of happy families with white picket fences in front of their perfect cookie cutter house. Every house hold is the same. The men leave for work while the women stay home and clean their houses until pristine, almost like the Stepford Wives.

Soon, the normal morning routine begins as I stare out the window. The pudgy Ms. Henderson does some strange skip-walk thing out her front door in her jogging pants and loose fitting shirt. She stretches a few times and begins jogging down the road moving her arms in fast swinging motions. Across the street, Mr. McCormick kisses his tiny daughter goodbye as he leaves for work. His wife waddles out the house,hand on her swollen pregnant belly, and calls her daughter back into their home.

I turn away from the window and reach blindly into my closet until I feel a pair of jeans and a shirt. I walk past Essie's room and see Aunt Jade holding her close and rocking back and forth.

Her smile is beautiful. My aunt is only in her mid twenties. She and Thomas ran away together when she was barely 18. When she found out she was pregnant five years later, they got married. She turns to me smile, her smile fading a bit."Oh, good morning Kendall." Her voice is high and sweet. My throat locks, a normal thing that happens when I am spoken to. I manage a smile and a little nod and make my way down the long narrow hallway to the bathroom.

I close the door behind me and pressed my back against it. Quickly I strip away my pants and slide into my jeans. When I lift off my shirt, the skin rips away with the cloth. The cut from last night begins to bleed again. I grimace at the badly scarred skin and wipe away the blood as another line of blood rises from the cut. "Shit," I mumble.

Then I notice the scissors from last night. The metal is stained with dry blood. I pick them up slowly and examine them wondering how the hell I do this to myself. How do I take these sharp metal tips press them deep into my skin and glide the blade down my arm as the blood pours out of the cuts? I'm disgusted in myself, but quickly remind myself that I do this to keep my head straight. I wash the dried up blood off and stash the scissors in the drawer.

I put my bra and long sleeve black shirt and walk out a few minuets later with my hair messy,but decent and my usual pale face and red lip stick. I never was big on a lot of makeup.

Aunt Jade and a now wide awake Essie greet me in the tiny kitchen. Our house wasn't quite the same from the other homes in Onyx. Uncle Thomas' job wasn't as high paying as others in the town, but he managed to pay the bills so we could stay in this tiny house.

Aunt Jade was running around the kitchen as Essie played in her bowl fool of baby mush. "No, Essie! Don't play in your food.No, I was talking to my daughter." she said into the phone. A pan with pancakes starts to smoke and she frantically flips them.

I walk over to the baby, wipe her hands and spoon feed her a few bites before I grab a plate from the cupboard and place it by Aunt Jade. "Thank you." she mouths to me. I nod again and tend to Essie.

"Great, see you in an hour." she hangs up the phone and sets the plate of slightly burnt pancakes in front of me."What would I do without you?" she sighs and sit beside me.

She would probably be a lot happier, I guess. I'm not really hungry,but she rarely makes breakfast for me so declining breakfast is not an option. "Here, let me take care of that," she says taking the baby mush from me.

I dig in to the overdone pancakes and force a smile as I tell her, "Thanks." I do pretty well hiding the fact that the pancakes taste horrid.

A moment of unnerving silence passes when I decide to speak up."So what is with all the rushing around?" I poke at the remain of my breakfast. I've eaten enough to satisfy her. "I have an interview," she says with a bright smile,"as a receptionist at the doctors office. You know we could always use the money around here."

Aunt Jade with a job? I couldn't see it happening. She's not the type of person who could have any other job than just being a mom. Sitting in a chair isn't her thing. She likes to be productive, always finding something to be picked up or cleaned or tending to Essie.

Regardless, I tell her good luck and thank her again for the pancakes and head out the door.

The cold November air hits me in the face as I walk out the door. I didn't bother bringing a jacket, I like the cold just like my brother.

The walk to school isn't long, two blocks and I'm there at Onyx High School; home of the Mustangs.

The school is quite small to me, coming from a school with 3032 kids and transferring to a school with only 412 kids.

"Hey!" someone calls. I keep walking. "Kendall, wait up!" A strong hand grabs my hand and pulls me to a stop. Pain shoots up my arm and I jerk it away. "Ow!" I exclaim. I turn to see Eric, another person who I hold a few conversations with. I feel the blood on my arm again and press my sleeve down on it.

"I'm sorry, you okay?" Eric asks. He reaches for my arm but I pull away. He hold up his hands in defense. "Okay, okay. I won't touch you."

I shake my head and give him a smirk." No, I'm fine. You must be stronger than you thought I guess." It's easy to talk with Eric. He flips his shoulder length brown hair out of his pale green eyes and gives his usual pretty boy smile. He looks like he would be a teen star with his perfect white teeth, slightly tanned skin,and that darling smile of his.

If I wasn't so messed up in my head, I would actually really want to get to know Eric, like really know him. Truthfully, I am afraid to get close to someone in fear that I will lose them one day. "Yeah, I guess so. I stopped you because a few of my friends are getting together this afternoon and wanted to know if you'd like to tag along."

Together in a group? Interacting with other people my age? The idea doesn't settle right with me.

I hear Mr. Porter in my head. "Kendall, maybe you should think about venturing out and meeting new friends. It would be nice to have someone else to talk to, wouldn't you agree?"

He told me that last week. I didn't speak that day. That night I had went up stairs and made tiny slits on my legs since my arm needed a little recovery time.

Eric waits for me to answer. What would be so wrong with going out? Aunt Jade would see it as a good thing, a normal thing, so would Mr. Porter. "Wh-where are you going?" I ask slowly still considering the idea. "We were just gonna go chill in the mall. So, interested?" He rocks on his heels and bites his lip.

This was the first time someone here has invited me out. I used to love going to the mall with my small group of friends before the death of my family. I can't stop myself from agreeing. "Great!" Eric said. The bell rings. "See you at lunch." he says happily and we go our separate ways to class.

I guess I was going to eat with him for lunch...

The day passes by quickly. I walk to the parking lot, looking for Eric when I see him and another guy walking to his car.My stomach twists and turns. Oh,why did I agree to this?

I approach the two slowly, eyeing this new guy. As I get closer, I notice that he is a lot taller than Eric, at least 6 ft. He is built, but not too muscular. His hair is a dark chocolate color and measures a few inches longer than mine.

"Where is everyone?" the guy asks. He put his arms on Eric's car and rests his head on them. Eric's phone beeps. He presses a few buttons,stares at the screen, rolls his eyes, and puts the phone back in his pocket. "That was Sadie, she said her and Marcus aren't coming." he says looking up at the flawless blue sky. His dark haired friend sighs. "Man, Sadie irritates me sometimes. Well, where is that chick friend of yours? Did she bail too?"

I smile. I guess now was a good time to announce my presence. "That chick is right behind you." This causes them to turn. Eric smiles, and so does his friend. "Hey." Eric says, I wave.

His friend studies me closely and I do the same to him. His eyes match his hair and he has a slightly crooked nose, maybe he broke it before. "Hi," he says to me in a much smoother voice. I feel a smile creep on my face. "Hi." I answer quietly. "Well, it's just you, me,and this loser," Eric jokes,"still wanna come with us?"

They other guy playfully punches Eric in the arm and pushes himself off the car and steps to me. "Of course she does, and by the way," he says putting a hand on my shoulder," he is the loser, not me." I can feel the heat from his hand through my shirt. I squirm under his touch. My arm begins to sting. He pulls away sensing my discomfort. Maybe I should re-think this outing.

I take a breath and decide to go with them anyway. Not like I have anything else to do this afternoon.

I get to ride shotgun with Eric. I turn to the guy in the back. "So, who are you?" I ask. Might as well let him think you are a normal girl, and not some depressed nut job. "Brody," he answers looking me in the eye,"Brody Stratford." He reaches out for my hand. I look at his it for a moment, admiring his smooth skin, no cuts or scars defecting it. I reach out slowly, making sure my sleeve doesn't creep up revealing my own skin disfigured with wounds, and shake his hand. It's much larger than mine. "I'm Kendall."

When we get to the mall, we head straight to the arcade. Eric heads straight for the mini hoops and basketballs while I wander around, thinking what I could do to appear normal when Brody calls my name.

I turn to see him standing by the Rock Band game. He waves for me to come over and hands me a mic." Can you sing?" he asks. I step on the platform and take the microphone. There isn't many people in here, just us three of us and two little boys at the far end of the room.

I love to sing. Well, I used to before everything.I haven't sung since then, never even thought about it." Sure," I say, "as long as I pick the song." He nods and I pick "California Paradise" by The Runaways.

Brody plays the guitar and hits all the notes. My part is coming up, too late to back down. I take a deep breath and ignore the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. My hand balls up into a fist as I start to sing. Brody looks at me, astonishment all over his face. I grin, really grin, and get more into the song. I move around a the platform, and make the notes get louder and softer. The song ends and I see that Eric and the two boys in the corner,and a few people outside are looking at me, grinning. Embarrassed, I hop off the mini stage and begin to walk off.

"Wait,'' Brody says, "you're like,really good." I turn to him. The people have moved on now. I'm delighted to be out from under their gazes. I feel my face turn red. Brody chuckles. "Don't be embarrassed. You blew me away. Wanna play again? You can play drums."

I agree. Eventually Eric joins us and he sings,badly. We go to the food court and they tell jokes and I actually laugh. I feel good inside;it's like a breath of fresh air. This is the closest to happy I've been in a while.

We pass a health store and I remember we need band-aids. "Hey, I'll be right back." Without waiting for an answer, I leave and head into the store. I grab two boxes and then pass up a box of razor blades. I try and tear my eyes away from the box, but I can't. I reach for them and grab three boxes. What if they saw what was in my bag? I could just say my uncle needed them. Then that would prompt them to ask why I was buying them for my uncle, then I would have to explain the whole horrible mess.

I walk to the counter anyway and pick up a few more items to make my purchase a little less awkward with only blades and band-aids. I pick up a tube of red lipstick, some eyeliner, and a magazine. The worker doesn't give me a second glance. I pay with a few crumpled bills.

He puts my stuff in a bag when I turn and trip over someone. The blades fly out. "I'm sorry!" Brody. The worker goes to the back. My heart races, I scramble to pick everything up. The blades are so far away. Brody crouches down,tries to help me. "No, I say. I'm fine."

"Here, let me help." We both reach for the blades at the same time.

I realize he isn't staring at the box, but my arm. The sleeve rolled up, revealing my arm. I feel sick. My breathing stops, my heart pounds. He knows.

I stand quickly, shaking. My head is spinning, oh I think I am going to faint. I grab the box from his hand faster than the speed of light and run out the store.

I hear him call my name, but I keep running out the building. "Would you stop?" He yells. He grabs me roughly and pushes me against the cool brick building. He looks into my eyes. What does he see in there? Fear? Sadness? Desperation? Pain?

He lifts up my sleeve and stares in horror at my arm. Tears fill my eyes. I'm trembling. I tug my arm, but he has a strong grip on it. He drops my arm and lifts the other sleeve and shakes his head to see the same thing; butchered skin. "Please," I cry,"don't tell anyone."

He looks up at me again. I tug my arms and he lets them fall. "You're crazy." he whispers. The words hurt, even though I already knew that. It wasn't news to me. "I know." I answer."You need help." he says louder. I'm going to faint. I can see the black dots in my vision. "I know." I mumble again. "Tell me why." he says.

He wants to know why? How did he not know? I was the talk of the town when I moved here.

Brody is almost glaring at me with those dark brown eyes. "Tell me," he demands again. "I can't." I sob quietly. He shakes his head and drops my arm and I immediately try to run away."No," he says and pulls me back. I am pushed against the wall again, but gently this time."Why? Tell me why!"

"Hey!" Eric. I wipe my tears and face him." Why'd you two run off?" I could feel Brody's powerful gaze on me. "Sorry, I have to get home now." I say shakily. "Mind giving me a lift?" Eric looks at Brody and back to me, and finally nods. "Sure. You okay?" I nod quickly and avoid Eric's questioning eyes and Brody's glare.

The ride home is quiet and uncomfortable. I can't stand another minute in here. I feel like I am suffocating. Brody watches me the whole time, which just adds to the unbearably long ride to my house.

Eric pulls up in my driveway and I open the door before he has fully stopped. "Thanks Eric, I had fun." I say. I steal a glance at Brody, who is still looking at me. His icy glare has softened and now he has an almost sad expression.

He knows what I'm about to do. He know, he knows, oh God he knows. "Maybe we could do this again. See you tomorrow, Kendall." he says.

I wouldn't count on it, Eric. I grab my bag and leave.