Waking Up with Headaches

(Lily‘s P.O.V)

I missed school almost all that week. Even when I went to school I didn’t talk much. My mood fell with the leaves on the trees and nothing could pick it up. Matt came over a lot and tried to cheer me up but nothing really helped. October came and went then soon Thanksgiving was here.

The worse part was Jack. We haven’t said much to each other then ‘Hey’. I feel like an ass for what I did. Leading him on, being so rude, and feeling about my feelings. I was starting to wish I could take it all back. The band was getting better and starting to play at parties, or at else that was what I heard. Even if Jack and I weren’t speaking much, I still talked to Alex, Zack, and everyone else.

I haven’t gone to any parties they played at yet. I just haven’t felt like it. John told me he was going to the navy and after finding out I couldn’t stop him from going I had to let him leave. I spent most of my time just in my room with my music.

“Lily!” My mother yelled from downstairs. She wasn’t happy when John left neither and started smoking again. It depressed me that she picked the habit back up. She tried so hard to stop after Dad died and she seems to have just given up hope. “Are you ready yet?”

“Yes, be down soon!” I yelled putting the finishing touches on my makeup. My hair in a ponytail, skinny jeans, and, a green v-neck as I headed down the stairs.

My mother’s short brown red hair curls bounced around on our way to the car. I didn’t know where we were going and frankly didn’t care that much.

“Did you ask Matt if he wanted to come with us?” She asked curiously before backing out

“He can’t. And come where? You never even told me where the hell we’re going!”

“Hey! Watch it with those fighting words!” She snapped lighting her cigarette in her red lips and replying between her teeth. “Joyce invited us over for Thanksgiving Dinner.”

“Joyce?” I asked not understanding who she was talking about.

She backed up out of the driveway and blowing smoke out the window before answering “The Barakat’s. You know Joyce, Mike, May, Jack, and their other son Joe will be there.” My heart dropped. Perfect I had to spend my free day away from school with the one person making it harder to get by.

(Jack’s P.O.V.)

‘I’m sorry, I haven’t talked to Lily to much. I see her at lunch and that’s about it. She doesn’t eat at lunch but your mom and her are coming over to Thanksgiving dinner later and I will try to focus the idea into her head again. Happy Thanksgiving stay safe.’ I emailed to John.

I hated the fact Lily was going to be here but at else I will know if she‘s okay. Lily was so perfect how could she be depressed? I was still in love with her and couldn’t get over her. Zack thinks I’m going mad.

Then again, I’m the only one of my friends who doesn’t have a girlfriend. Zack and his girlfriend Katie, who I have only met once, Alex finally asked Lisa to be his girlfriend, and, Rian and Kara, the perfect couple. Then of course my sandbox best friend Matt and the girl I was in love with, Lily.

“Jackie! I found him!” yelled May coming into the room followed by Joe. I quickly sent the message out

“Yup May, you found him.” Joe said picking her up “What you doing Jackie?” He teased looking at the computer.

“Nothing just sending an email.” I said closing my email and taking May from college sophomore “Are they here yet?”

“No yet.” He said handing May over. She giggled and started playing with the blonde strip in my hair. “You loser, why did you do that to your hair?” Joe asked about my hair

I shrugged “Why didn’t you fix your face?” I asked as we headed down the stair case

“Because, I’m already the pretty kid of the family! It wouldn’t be fair to you!” He teased

“Please Joe!” our mother chipped in over hearing us “May is the only pretty one. You two, poor boy, got your dad‘s look.”

We laughed and helped her finish setting up the table. I put May down and checked on the food in the oven. Even if I didn’t know what it was going to look like done I checked. Then left. I didn’t know what to do! I got nervous and left!

The high toned ding set a ring around the house. “I‘ll get it!” followed the sound of my brother.

Now or never, I thought was I enter the living room to find Lily and her mother. I held a bite on my bottom lip focusing in the smile I had done many times passing Lily in the hall. Nervous and dazed I headed over to May so I could picked her up so I would keep my eyes on her and not Lily.

The shy five year old pushed my legs as I came over and giggled at me. I teased her and held her over my head making her laugh like the joker. “You think that‘s funny?” I teased playfully

“Put me down Jackie!” She laughed childishly upside down

I put her on the ground and she tried to push me away one more time before running off to hide behind someone. I sighed and headed to Joe talking about his college pride with Mrs. Sands. I took a spot across from Lily and faked smile at her awkwardly without letting my bite off my lip.

Her hair was pulled back highlighting her beautiful sky full eyes. ‘She doesn‘t like you!’ I kept telling myself. But her simply “Hey Jack” had me shakily.

“Hey Liles,” I replied using the nickname I gave her too old ago.

We sat and made awkward small talk before I ‘forgot’ something upstairs. I was thinking about her to much. I worked so hard to get her out of my head. Lily is with Matt! He is my best friend. I couldn’t be in love with Lily without hurting Matt.

I tossed myself onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling. “Get her out of your fucking head Barakat!” I mumbled madly at myself. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. I pulled my phone off the ground and checked my messages: One new voice mail.

I hit dial and put my phone to my ear finding a familiar voice, “Hey Barabra! It’s Alex. I was hoping you would pick up but whatever. You can throw my razors away now if you want. Not saying you have too. Fuck, I’m sounding like a dick. Don’t hurt yourself, I don’t need the blade. I’m better now. Just toss them out. Alright bye.”

“Asshole.” I mumbled into the cold phone before leaving it on the soft bed. I pulled myself off the bed and over to my CD rack. I pulled out a mix type Zack and I made called ‘Merrikat Mix’.

I know lame but whatever. It was something that took up our time and we could show off to each other. It was mostly our favorite songs but I lost the CD and just used the empty black case to hide my shit it.

I pulled out Alex’s razor blades from the empty case and into the light. I ran my finger along the edge. A pitch of pain sparked my finger tip. I pulled back and looked closer at my finger as a bit of blood came to the tip of my pale white skin. I cured under my breath. Not to much blood came out after that little drop. I wonder to myself how bad it really hurt.

I pushed my sleeve back and looked at my white wrist. I set the cool blade onto of it and moved it slowly and lightly across. It tugged a little on my skin. “Don‘t Jack” I mumbled to myself and fell to the floor.

It was to late. I stuck my wrist quickly and with the cool blade causing my skin to burn under the pressure of the cold metal for a moment. I watched the blood rise to the surface of my snow skin. The pain brought my a quick feeling of hope. I smiled at the rosy red blood. Like Lily’s cheek almost.

“FUCK! Stop fucking thinking about her!” I told madly at myself. I pushed another mark across my wrist as the blood sat into my skin. The skin around the open crust of blood started to rise and felt burned. I started running the razor across a few more times. Slower cuts bringing me more pain and other times quicker sting the skin.

It could only get better from here. Can’t it?

“JACK!” yelled the voice of my father “Dinner is ready!” his voice sounded like it my lighting and coming closer. I shoved the razor in the CD and back onto the rack. I pulled my sleeve down as the sound of footsteps came to the door. “Jack Bassam, did you find whatever you were looking for?” My dad asked opening the door.

I faked sighed and nodded “Nah. I was-”

“I don’t care just come on downstairs.” He said walking a way without a care. I got off the floor quickly looking at the dry blood on my sleeve and wrist. I ignored it and heading down the stairs and of course the only empty seat as right next to Joe and Lily.

I sat down and started making a plate. I covered the plate with turkey, gravy, mash potatoes, before having to take green beans to be a good role model for May. I sat and ate quietly trying not to talk much. Answering a few questions every now and again.

I looked over at Lily’s plate. She only took turkey and green beans. She played tease fully with her fork pushing the food back and forth around the plate. “Hungry?” I mumbled to her under the conversion of others.

She paused and looked up at me “Huh? Oh yea, I‘m not too hungry today.” She sighed and played with food more. I looked at her small thin bones. They looked bonier than the day we went to the grave yard. Her cheek bones were easier to see as well.

“It‘s Thanksgiving. You are supposed to eat regret free if you ask me.” I said adding more food to my plate. “It‘s not okay not to eat” I hinted at her

She sighed sweetly and rested her fork on the side of her plate. “I know. I just haven‘t been feeling well. I can‘t keep my food down” I wish I had a happy thought about an anorexia girl who can’t keep her food down. For each idea of a happy thought just came another terrible one.

“I‘m sorry.” I said trying back to my plate trying to think about what to talk about. “How‘s Matt?” I coughed in sentence of not giving a shit about the answer. Not that I don’t care about Matt. I felt like I was asking her about their relationship and I didn’t care much about that.

“Fine. He’s better but till won’t tell me who he got in a fight with.” She said clearly knowing I don’t care. I wish I could tell her who he got beat up by but I don’t know myself. “How‘s the band going?” She sighed changing the topic off Matt for me.

“Great. We are playing in a battle in a few weeks.” I told her gladly “You should come… with Matt of course. Because we kind of need people to vote for us.” The second I said it I regretted it. I’m not sure if I can play with her watching me, judging me.

“You else is going?” She asked in her adorably curious voice that just made my mouth want to shut hers up.

I pushed the food down to my gut before cleared my voice and head “Other than the guys, Lisa maybe if she isn‘t working, Kara and Julia, few another guys. Oh, I think Zack‘s girlfriend is going, Katie. Have you met her yet?”

She nodded “No but, Kara told me she is super nice.” She smiled up at me taking a bite of her green beans with her messy hair and big ocean like eyes. Causing me to squeeze my wrist under the table reminding me of the pain. “I‘ll go. If you want me too.”

Great, how the fuck do you say no to that! I melted into her smile. “I do” I lied. Lies but not lies. I didn’t want to find her in the crowd of people but I wanted her to be there to tell me I did great and give me a congratulation hug after.

She smiled “Then I‘ll be there.” She simply went back to her food this time eating it. I till stayed quiet and listened to my brother’s crazy college stories.

I chatted with Liles and her mother in the den before they knew it was time to go.

I gave Lily a hug goodbye and wished I didn’t because it only made want to hold her more. It felt wrong. I think about her too much. It makes it harder to get the idea of her out of my mind.

(Lily‘s P.O.V)

Hugging Jack was a terrible idea. The whole night was a bad joke. I just wanted to left and lay in my bed. Then tried not to think about Jack.

Which is exactly what I did when I got home. For about ten minutes then I remember Matt was coming over. I put on a pullover hoodie and pj bottom.

I started watching Big Daddy again and I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find a smiling Flyzik. “Hey there stranger” He greeted me sweetly with a kiss on the forehead.

“Hi Matty Boo” I chuckled and headed to the couch. Matt followed me and wrapped a arm around me bringing himself close to me.

“What‘s worse? You seem more sad than normal.” he asked kissing my temple “I bet I can make you smile.”

I looked up into his light brown hazel eyes “Oh really?” I asked amusingly.

He pulled a small box out of his pocket and kissed my forehead once again. “Happy Thanksgiving Lily flower.” He added handing me the present. Lily flower, the pet name he had given me. I opened the gift wide eyed in his arms warm fully, fearlessly.

I ripped the light pink paper off the gray small box. I felt like a little girl on the her birthday. I took a breath and opened the box slowly. Reveling a silver chain necklace with a open heart on the end of it. I sighed and looked up the cheerful boy. “Why are you so sweet to me?” I asked him honestly wanting to know the answer.

He kissed my nose and replied perfectly “Because I love you and I knew it would make you smile. And I love when you smile.” I blushed hard and kiss his lips softly. He was the nicest boyfriend I ever had. “I love you, Lily flower.”

“I love you too Matty Boo.” I smiled and laid into his chest and cuddled around him feeling safe. He helped me put the necklace on and we watched the movie. I almost cried at the end remembering John and our father. I turned it off before it could even end and just cuddle into Matt’s arms.

“You okay?” Matt finally asked when I flinched the TV off.

“Yea” I sighed “Why haven‘t I met your family Matt?” I asked changing the topic off my problem.

He sighed and gripped me tighter into his arms “Well, my sisters are great. Kayla and Abby are sweethearts and could do nothing worse. And I’m not just saying that because I’m the older brother and have to say that. I’m just not sure if you would want to my dad. His a bit… edgy since my mom died.” His words put my heart in a pit.

“She died?” I asked popping out of his arms “Why didn‘t you tell me?”

He pulled me back into him and hugged me tight “I just don‘t like to talk about it. Most people know how she died and it just gets hard to talk about. You know.” He said holding me close. Sadly I did know. I got the same feeling with my dad but this is Matt’s time to open up. He knew about my past but I didn’t about his.

“Do you mind me asking how she died?” I mumbled looking up at him.

He sighed and started petting my hair down “About five years ago in December my mom and I were driving home when a semi truck hit us almost head on. I was out for almost a week then woke up to find out she died on spot. I can‘t remember the crash and my father thinks I‘m the reason we crashed. I think I am too because I just remember fighting in the car.”

“Don‘t hate yourself, I‘m sure you aren‘t the reason!” I argued.

Sighing again he pulled my legs over he to keep him warm so I was just a ball warmed up in his arms. “Maybe but it feels worse. My dad is always gone now and when he‘s home he never speaks to us. Just leaves some money on the table till whenever he gets back. I mostly watch my sisters. I don‘t let people come over to much. I wouldn‘t want anyone to met my dad.” He laughed but he wasn’t funny. Every word was bitter sweet to my ears and he was okay with it!

Something snapped together in my head and told me his ‘fight’ was with his dad. I knew if he wanted me to know he would just tell me so I snuggled “I‘m sorry Matty Boo.”

“It‘s fine.” Matt said adjusting me in his arms “Can we just watch another movie?” he giggled.

“Sure. Of course” I said kissing him lightly before going for the remote. I clicked around the channels but couldn’t find anything on. “I don‘t see anything. You pick.” I sighed

Matt was too busying looking at his phone to notice the remote in front of him “I don‘t think I can. Rian needs my help with something.” He told me as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. “I promise I‘ll come back as soon as I help him with whatever.”

He lifted me up and put me back on the couch. I just let myself up and followed him to the door “I think I am just going to go to bed” I told him rubbing my eyes at the door.

“Ok then I guess I‘ll see you tomorrow.” He said before kissing me tenders. I tugged on his shirt keeping him under the frame of the door with me.

“Bye Matty,” I spoke on his lips “I love you”

“Love you too Lily flower.” Matt said kissing me lightly once more before leaving. I stayed at the door and waved goodbye to him when he got to his car then turned back inside.

I wrapped myself in a blanket and laid on the couch. I closed my eyes for two seconds too long and slipped into slumber wondering if I could just never wake up.