Waking Up with Headaches

I laid in my bed all night without sleeping a wink that night. The thought ran into my head all trying to make their way in at once. I tried to keep my mind on the beat of the rain on the window but, it didn’t help.

I rolled over moaning into my pillow. What did I do? I know I might as well write regret on my forehead. I told Matt I would be his girlfriend, don’t get me worse! When I was kissing him it felt so right, perfect, free, loving, different from Jack. Not different in a bad way just… felt different kissing Matt.

Regret because, what if Matt finds out about Jack and I’s kiss. What if it changes the way Matt will think about me, what if everyone starts calling me a whore. What if I still love Jack?

“Tigerlily?” John questioned peeking a head into my room “You up?” I mumbled loudly into my pillow to let him know the answer was yes. “Get ready. I want to leave when Jack gets here..” He said quickly before shutting the door.

I dragged myself sheepishly out my warm blue bed and to the closet. I put on black skinny jeans and a white top cover with silver flowers. I put a few curls in my hair because my dad always loved when I curled my hair. Then finally a small white flower clip to bring my bangs back.

I put on my normally makeup. Then cuddled into a plain black hoodie to hide in, tided on my black converse high tops. Finally I was ready.

When I got downstairs Jack was talking to my brother at the kitchen island. I walked up behind John and whispered in his ear, “Don’t tell Jack! Or I will hate you forever!” I told him rudely then licked my finger and stuck it in his ear.

He pushed me away and started cleaning his ear out. “Ha ha! You got wet willed!” Jack frankly laughed at the older boy.

“You’re gross!” John said taking a napkin to his head.

“You’re over dramatic!” I said bluntly “You’re my brother. Aren’t we supposed to have a love hate relationship?”

He rolled his eyes at me and said nothing. “It‘s true! I hate my brother but he is the only person I really talk too.” Jack added in. I gave him a questionable look and he read the wonder right off my lips “He’s at college so I don’t see him much.”

“Let’s just go” John changed the topic “I rather not sit here with a wet ear.”

Jack and I giggled as we headed out behind John. I crossed my arms and started to bite at my bottom lip as the cold breeze as air hit our cheeks. I regret not getting a warmer jacket.

Jack and I climbed into the back seats of the old beat up dodge. John started the car with some problems but he finally got it after curing under his breathe.

I glared out the window nervously. One thought on my mind. One thought I was fearing in my mind. Explaining myself and my story to Jack.

I tumbled my fingers over one and another in the silence of the car. I pushed my head back into the corner of the seat and window to shut my eyes. I tried to fall asleep but it was to awkward of a spot.
I felt the car come to a slow turn then finally a stop. I flicked my eyes open.

“You guys want anything?” John asked looking back and forth between the space from Jack to me. I turned my head out to find a gas station. I nodded and looked over to Jack. He also nodded. “Alright then. Be right back then.” John said before shuffling his way out of the car.

I started picking at my nail as a fresh sheet of silence covered the back seat. I pierced my view over to Jack who I found was looking right back at me.

“Hi.” Jack spoke up noticing me finding his stare. “You comfortable?” He teased.

I laughed and pulled myself out of the slump of the old dodge. “Not at all! This car is a horrible joke!” I complained rubbing onto my neck. Even if it didn’t make my neck feel better.

He laughed sweetly at my complaining “Stretch out. I don’t bite. And I am not going to rape you or anything.” He chuckled “You can rest your head on me. If you want?”

Should I? I could put my head on his shoulder and just that. Would the be cheating on Matt? Would it lead Jack on? Should I care? It would be nice to feel needed. Wanted to be cuddled. Matt wasn’t here and he was hurt anyway.

“Ok.” I finally answered. “You don’t mind?’ I asked as I made myself comfortable on his black tee.

“No. Not when I got a pretty girl on me.” He said pulling me in and resting his head on top of mine. I blushed eyes heavily at the flirtatious words and giggled. Jack smuggled into my hair like a bird making a nest.

“Jack you’re going to mess up my hair.” I yawned tautly and bluntly ignored his flirt.

“But Liles, your hair smells so good!” He spoke into my head and taking a deep sniff of my hair “It smells like a monkey and a parrot made pina coladas. Then you took a shower in the topical disasters of fruity goodness!” I started giggling as I felt him wrap his arm around my neck. “Go to sleep coconut princess!” He said petting my hair.

I pushed his hand away from my hair. I hooked my arms over his to pull myself out making it easier to breathe and drifted into a dream. Finally!

(Jack‘s P.O.V.)

When John got back to the car with coffees it was to late for Lily. She passed out in my hold. I awkwardly explained how Lily ended up asleep in my arms. After I couldn’t help but feel a hate from John.

I looked out the window letting my coffee go cold. Lily as like warm blanket in my arms. I get wanted to lay with her like that all day.

“Hey Jack is she still asleep?” John asked in front of me.

I looked at Lily in my arms sleepily. Her blue eyes hiding. Curls pushed into my face. She must of haven’t got any sleep. “Yes. She’s in a dream.” /I told him

John made eye contact with me in the mirror “Listen Jack, you can’t tell Lily any of this. You swear to me you won’t!” He voice was hard and tense. Shaking fear into my bones. Whatever he was going to say was important. Even if I just met the guy, he must have trusted me for some reason.

“I swear.”

“I’m leaving for the navy later this week.” He ended with a sigh “Lily isn’t going to be happy when I tell her later. Every blood male in our family has joined. That is why we are going to the graveyard. Our father died in the navy last year today. He was on deck and some how or another got hit over the edge of the ship.”

“I’m so sorry John-”

“Don’t, please. I hate sympathy.” John coldly cut me off “I’m not going to be back till May. Before you get out of school. I need to make sure someone will be able to look out for Lily. Because was sweet as she may look. She’s fighting demons she doesn’t even think about.”

I looked down at the dreaming girl. She was perfect, nothing could ever be worse with her. “Demons?” I questioned out loud.

I looked back at guy nodding in the mirror. “When she gets depressed she forgets she has to eat. After our father died I didn’t even notice she wasn’t eating. She missed school, wasn’t eating, then got really sick one day when I relieved. I can’t watch her forever. I trust you. I can tell you care about her Jack. I want you to keep an eye out for her. I don’t want to find out she is anorexia!” He paused for a moment and sighed “Can you promise you’ll watch out for her?”

“Of course I’ll watch out for her.” I told him “I would do anything for this girl. Even if she hated my guts I will always make sure she is okay. And if she isn’t okay I won’t stop till she is better then okay.” I honestly told him. Even if I just met her, there is nothing she could ever do to make me not be her friend. I never want to leave her life. The only way I would, would be if she told me too.

John smiled as he enjoyed my answer. “Perfect.” he said

I smiled back and pushed some curls out of Liles’ eyes. She coughed a little and curled into me sweetly. Tighten her grip on my arms to pull herself out. Her wrists were thin and boney. I wanted to hit my head on the wall for not noticing.

“We’re almost there.” John ended the topic “Wake her up.”

I gave her a little nag and wiggled her with my arm. She rubbed her eyes and moaned. “Wake up Liles.” I told her sweetly trying to forget about the shock. She flashed her bright blue eyes up at me adjusting them to the light.

I squeezed her tight in my hold. “Are we there yet?” She questioned hazy rubbing her eyes. I just wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her how beautiful she was, there was one problem, friends don’t do that.

“Almost there Tigerlily. Just around this corner.” John told the half awake girl. Lily yawned and pulled herself out of my arms. I wish I could have just pulled her back in and held her longer. I kept my eyes on her as she slide back to her seat.

She found her coffee and sipped the cooled off drink. She took a sip and glared back to me. She smiled before she found out the drink was cold. She was shocked at the cold drink and took the drink back into the cup. I laughed at her actions and she laughed back with me “Why didn’t you tell me it was cold?” She giggled.

I smiled and covered it with sleeve “I don’t know.”

We all shared a finally laugh before pulling up into the tease air of the graveyard. The mood shifted from having a good time and a few laughs to being afraid to even smile. I glared over at Lily.

Her eyes were getting wet and started to fill with tears. She buried her hands into fist within my hoodie. Curls fell into her face and she brushed them behind her ears. Her ice like eyes found mine as she pulled into her bottom lip and let a tear fall to her thigh. Her eyes broke off mine to follow the single tear.

John pulled the car to a stop and we all get out without a word. The air has been getting too cold to quick. It raced goose bumps up my arms and neck as we walked. I walked next to Lily following behind John. She crossed her arms hiding them from the air. I put my arm over her shoulder and pulled her to my side. Even if friends don’t do that.

The idea of being in a graveyard and walking on top of a dead person with every step filled my mind. They must be thinking I’m an asshole for legit walking on top of them! I’d be pissed off. What if their ghosts are trying to kill me right now! What if they’re going to hurt us for being rude! I’m going to die one day and be put in the graveyard with ghost that will hate me forever!

“Jack, are you okay?” Lily asked shaking my grip loose “You’re nails are digging into me.” She laughed.

I took my hand off her shoulder and put in deep in the pocket of my jeans. “Sorry. I kind of get scared by graveyards.” We didn’t speak much more when we found the grave.

Jonathan Sr. Evan. Sands- written cleanly and nicely on a flat stone plate with the dates under it.

John kneed down at the grave and spoke softly to his father under the grass. I put myself into my happy place and tried to act like I wasn’t there. Than I saw Lily. I was at my happy place because I was with her.

(Lily‘s P.O.V.)

I looked down at the dirt nap wishing I could be five in the city with my dad again. Every Monday moring he would walk me and John to school and stop to buy us cinnamon buns. John would make a mess of himself and I would tease them, then dad would tell us to stop being sticky monkey and go to school.

He would give us a hug and I would look at the print of an anchor on his neck. That tattoo of the anchor with the blue ribbon around it. The blue ribbon with our grandfather’s name on it. John got the same tattoo between his neck and shoulder with our dad’s name on it.

John tugged his shirt down as he talked to the stone and explained the tattoo. I looked over to Jack who was looking right back at me. He flashed a fake painful smile. I giggled silently and wiped my eyes. Jack walked around to me and hugged me. I snuggled into his chest and started to cry a little.

He brushed my hair gently “It’s okay.” He tried to cheer me up. Jack’s sweet way made me feel worst. His hands gripped tight into my back. I just covered my eyes with my hands and tried to pull myself together.

John pulled himself away and took Jack’s spot. I cried into John shoulder then quickly pulled myself back. “Sorry.” I told them both wiping my last tears away. “Can we please leave?” I asked tried not to break out crying away.

There was just to many memories coming all at once and it hurt. I couldn’t take it anymore and started walking quickly by John and Jack on my way out.

~~~~~~~~~~

We pulled into the driveway of the new red house. I sat with my knees to my chest. I peered out the window and saw my mother outside. She was in sweats smoking a cigar, a habit I haven’t seen in months. John looked back at me “Fuck, she remembered. She’s going to be pissed. You two might want to get out of here. I can take care of her.” He said opening the door, car running “Jack you drive!”

Jack switched to the front seat and pulled out. I watched John walk over to our mother and hug her. I was happy I could get this terrible thoughts out of my head. “So where should we go?” I asked Jack climbing into the passenger seat.

Jack flashed a grin over to me then back to the road “Want to spy on Alex’s date?” He laughed. I wiped a tear and laughed. “I heard him say to Rian that he was taking Lisa out tonight. Want to spy on them?”

I laughed “Sure. Why not? It sounds fun.”

He drove around a little then finally stopped outside a place called ‘Heart of Italy’. It looked nice inside so we walked in and sat at a booth in the corner. We glared around behind our menus looking for the couple.

“There!” Jack whispered pointing two table away. Alex and Lisa were smiling and laughing at each other. Alex dressed up for being himself and combed his hair. No beanie for a shock. Lisa was wearing shirt and pink shirt. Her hair in neat tight curls unlike my snobby ones.

The waitress blocked our view “May I help you.”

“Just a coffee with sugar please” I told her bluntly.

“Same.” Jack added to the order. I tumbled my hands over the top of the table “They’re cute together.” Jack said still looking over at the couple. Alex and Lisa were laughing a bit to loud cause the everyone to look over. “I think we should mess with them.”

“Nah.” I said jealous of the affection “We should just let them be.” I looked at my hands as the waitress took the coffee to our tables. I took a sip and rested my hands around the cup.

Jack laced his fingers with mine. Regret kicked in. I pulled back and set my hands on my lap under the table. “Jack can I tell you something?”

He nodded eyes meeting mine

“Don’t hate me. Please.”

“Liles I could never hate you.”

I sighed. I had to tell him the trust even if it killed me. “Matt and I kissed. And he asked me to be his girlfriend.” I choked back my words. He looked down at his warm drink. He knew the answer. My heart dropped just thinking of telling him the whole story.

“I’m-I’m sorry.” He choked up. He pulled out a ten from his pocket and left without another word.

“Where are you going Jack?”

“Home.” he answered without looking back. I slide in the back of the booth and sip my coffee. I’m terrible. All I could hear were the snickers and whispers of someone around us. After five minutes I left. The car was still there with the keys inside. He walked home.

I’m a terrible person.