Whatever Happened to You?

There had always been a big problem with being alone with just my thoughts. Sitting in this crowded room with people all around watching my every move, and I could still never get out of my own mind. It trapped me.

I never envisioned myself here. Sitting around a table on a plush couch with a large group of people, half of whom I couldn’t name. They were all fake, and I was one of them. But when I thought of the life I had been predestined to obtain, I would never give this up.

But my dress was uncomfortable and I wanted desperately to take off my shoes because my feet hurt so badly. I wanted to go home, where it was private and quiet.

There was so much smoke in the room and alcohol seemed to be leaking through everyone’s pores as sweat. But all of these girls, including me, looked gorgeous still. I felt like all the makeup I had put on was sweating off, but the way the boys that walked by stared at me told me I was fine.

“Annie,” a girl next to me, Olivia, yelled in my ear, “There’s a guy over there that is totally staring you up and down.”

I looked to where my friend was pointing and my heart sunk to my feet. So many emotions swirled in my stomach it gave me goose bumps. Sure enough those light eyes were staring through me disapprovingly instead of at me. I shook my head, “No, I’m good.”

“Come on!” she cheered, “He’s extremely hot.”

I slightly smiled at Olivia’s words. She was one of the girls I was closer with, simply because we bonded over our distaste for boys in this city. Even my boyfriend, or at least that’s what the tabloids called him, was nothing more than a fame hungry boy. But by dating him, I looked like a fame hungry girl, which I was forced to become okay with.

It’s how you made money in this town.

I didn’t even have to make a decision whether or not to approach this boy, because he did it first. All of the girls stared at him as he came to our table, most of them ready to laugh in his face. His eyes never left mine.

“Excuse me, may I have this dance?” he held his hand out to me.

I nodded my head and took his hand. He led me to the floor where couples were grinding and practically having sex in the crowd. But, classy as he was, he pulled me into a slow dance.

“You never quite new the right venue for a dance,” I said.

“Let me tell you, Miss Annie Scott. You are not hard to find at all,” he said.

“Just pick up a magazine and you can know who I’m dating, too,” I replied.

“Will that pretty boy be angry you’re dancing with me?”

“The opposite, actually. He’ll be happy it’s not him,” I said.

I looked at my old friend. His hair was a mess and my heels placed me at his chin. He was a bit underdressed for this club, but he didn’t care. His infectious smile was still the same and it was then I realized how much I had missed him.

When I thought of the place I used to call home, I didn’t think of the weather, or the house I grew up in, or even my parents. I thought of this man that never gave up on me, no matter how much I begged him to.

“We had a show tonight. Should I have been surprised you didn’t come?” he asked.

“I saw your band on the marquee at the House of Blues. I even bought tickets. But this turned into a promotional event and I had to come,” I said, lying slightly. I did buy tickets, but that was just to support them. I never planned to go.

The look of disapproval was so evident on his face and I knew it was all he could do to not say it out loud. “Come home with me,” he said.

“Home as in Arizona? That’s not my home,” I replied.

“Neither is this,” he said, tightening his arms around my waist, “These people here don’t love you like we do.”

“You don’t count. You’re practically forced to love me,” I said.

“Hey, I love you no matter what. Even if you do have incriminating photos of me in a bathtub when I was six,” he said with a laugh.

“And when you were sixteen,” I giggled.

His head fell back with a laugh before he looked back in my eyes, “Please, Annie.”

“I wouldn’t even have a place to stay. Are you forgetting why I left?” I said, irritated.

“That’s not the reason. And you could stay with me. Sleepovers for life!” he cheered.

“I can’t, John,” I sighed.

“Can’t? Or won’t?” he challenged.

“Why do you think I didn’t come to your show?” I said, slightly angered, “I know you’re on tour with him.”

“Not anymore. It ended tonight. We’re all leaving in a few hours to make it back to the wedding on Monday. Be my date?” he asked.

“What wedding?”

His eyes went wide for a second before he bit at the inside of his lip, “Austin’s.”

I felt like everything in the room was spinning and I wished I could blame it on alcohol, “Who is he getting married to?”

“This bitch Sarah. No one likes her, Annie. Please come,” he begged.

“Austin is getting married?” I asked, laughing slightly and not so subtly trying to keep attention away from my heart breaking. “Yeah right.”

“Don’t believe me?” he asked, “Come see for yourself.”

I didn’t know what was inhibiting my thinking. Maybe it was John’s comforting hands or the way he smelled like Arizona, but I nodded my head, “I’ll go.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head and whispered, “Who in the world have you become?”

I ignored his obvious slight. I hadn’t changed, at least not unwillingly. It wasn’t that I loved my life in L.A., but I hadn’t ever really loved my life. Chandler was too small and there was nothing for me there. I left the second I could and never looked back.

But there was only one way to break into this business, and it was to make friends. L.A. was so much more than celebrities and movies, it was its own social clique full of trust funds and sparkling dresses.

“Let’s get out of here,” John said as he pulled me through the crowd. We made it out into the fresh air and he kept pulling me.

“Where are we going?” I laughed.

“Take off those heels, Scott,” he ordered, “We’re racing.”

I rolled my eyes, “We’re not eleven years old anymore.”

He looked at me, his eyes sad, “You used to love racing… even in high school.”

“Not anymore,” I snapped, seeing right through him and refusing to give in to the person I refused to ever be again.

He sighed and we rode in a cab in silence. We got to my apartment and he stayed in my living room, surveying it as I packed. Once I joined him again he laughed as he held a frame in his hands, “Your mom was so hot.”

“Shut up,” I laughed.

“You miss her?” he asked quietly.

“Every day,” I sighed, “Okay, I’m ready.”

We met up with the van and I was greeted with such open arms I almost started crying. I sat snugly on the first bench in the backseat between Kennedy and John. I felt so safe.

Kennedy looked at me, “Austin really didn’t invite you?”

“You usually only invite your friends to weddings,” I replied.

“I can’t help but think it should be you…” John said quietly.

“Austin and I would have never gotten married. He didn’t even used to believe in it,” I said.

“It’s because Sarah is so damn manipulative. I swear, she completely changed him. He doesn’t hardly drink or smoke anymore. Never parties. It’s insane,” Kennedy said.

I bit my lip to keep the nagging thoughts quiet. Could they really believe another person changed him? He could be easily fooled, but he was not weak minded. If he changed, it was because he wanted to.

But they continued to talk about how Austin had been distorted beyond recognition, and then how he and I had blown their minds when we broke up. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“People don’t change other people,” I broke, “He changed on his own.”

“Right,” John scoffed, “Just like L.A. didn’t change you.”

“It didn’t,” I said defensively, looking at just him.

“So you’re telling me if you had stayed in Arizona you would have still become the girl who doesn’t smoke, only drinks liquor instead of beer, and doesn’t own jeans that cost less than 100 dollars?” he asked.

My face went straight with the anger, “Yes.”

“So why did you have to leave then?”

“You want to know why?” I asked tauntingly, “It’s because I wanted to make something of myself and Arizona didn’t even give me the opportunity!”

“What do you think we all did!? Are you saying that we didn’t make anything of ourselves? Because we have a few thousand fans that would beg to differ,” he said angrily.

“What I’m saying is that you guys all knew what you wanted to do and you were so eager to leave me behind it made it that much easier to leave!” I shouted, instantly regretting my words with the looks on every one of their faces. They looked bewildered, like they couldn’t recognize this person I was.

And maybe they were right, maybe I had changed.

Kennedy was the first to speak, “We weren’t going to leave you behind.”

“Yes, you were. And it’s not your fault and I don’t blame you. But don’t you understand? I had to leave,” I said, more cautiously now.

No one replied and I felt so guilty. They all avoided my unfamiliarly apologetic eyes like I was some kind of monster, and I even felt that way. I shouldn’t have said a word, but it was true. Maybe now they would stop asking why.

Eventually we all fell asleep and John woke me up when we got to his apartment. Once he shut the door he looked at me, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I frowned, “I’m sorry.”

He ran a hand through his hair anxiously, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” I mumbled.

“And I also don’t like you anymore.”

Tears stung my eyes and sent an uncomfortable feeling through my sinuses. I stared at my shoes; unable to even lift my gaze in fear the pressure would cause the salt water the tumble down my face.

He sighed in frustration. “I’m going to shower. Austin’s bachelor party is tonight and you’re coming,” he practically ordered.

“Fine,” I said, falling onto the couch and embracing the silence.

There was a picture of me on his mantle. I was flipping off the camera from my place on an old couch. A cigarette was between my fingers and the shirt I had cut was rising up and my jeans were ripped in random spots. I had a playful smirk on my lips.

Part of Austin’s shoulder was in the picture and I remembered that he had refused to be in it. He was high that night at the party at my house, we all were. I was barely eighteen and I looked happy.

But I wasn’t. I couldn’t ever truly be happy. Maybe it was some kind of intuition, that only a few nights after this picture my world would be turned upside down. But the thoughts that constantly begged for my attention were getting their wish as graduation inched closer.

Everyone knew what they wanted to do and where they were going. The Maine’s music would take them to wonderful places, but they would all still be doing the same things they always did. Playing music, drinking, smoking, and repeating it again the next day.

They were all static. Unchanging specks in the world’s plan that they assumed they were too good for. Nothing about us was dynamic or exciting, and I was reading too much into it. I took it all for granted. I thought I’d be happier in a place doing what I loved.

But back then I didn’t realize that the happiness captured in this picture was the pinnacle, and I had thrown it away in chase of a pipe dream.

But then again, John had chased his unrealistic dream, and he never looked back. So maybe my dream was wrong, maybe I had screwed it all up. Maybe I belonged here.

“You remember that night?” John interrupted my thoughts as he came out wearing only jeans and drying his hair with a towel.

“Yeah, my dad got you guys drunk,” I laughed.

He put a hand on my shoulder to comfort me, “I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

“No, you’re not,” I said sadly, “I’m going to lie down. Wake me up in an hour.”

I went to John’s bed and curled up but didn’t sleep. I felt nervous. Was it too late to run out of his house and get on an airplane back home? Probably.

Finally he told me I should probably get ready. We were just going to Kennedy’s house and having a kickback because Austin threatened he wouldn’t be friends with them if they got strippers.

I wore a high-waisted skirt with a shirt tucked into it and high heels. When I met John in the living room he looked me up and down, “Where do you think you’re going, an awards show?”

I rolled my eyes, “Let’s go.”

We drove to Kenny’s house that wasn’t far from John’s. He was living with Jared and the outside of the house showed the money we were making on tour. But compared to my loft in L.A., it was nothing.

We walked in and everyone greeted me like I hadn’t been a complete jerk to them a few hours ago. I realized just how overdressed I was, but it didn’t really faze me.

“Annie Scott?” someone questioned from behind me.

I turned and looked at the girl with sleek blonde hair and deep brown eyes. She was wearing jeans and one of Kennedy’s old shirts. I stood, a smile stretching across my face, “Haley?”

We embraced each other tightly and neither of us spoke. It had been so long. We finally pulled apart but stayed close and Haley spoke, “You look great.”

“So do you,” I said. But she didn’t look great-- at least not to Los Angeles standards which had apparently become my own.

“Scott, you want a drink?” Jared asked.

I looked at the small amount of liquor bottles and decided on Rum & Coke. Everyone else drank beer. I sat back down next to Haley.

“Is that a ring on your finger?” I gasped.

“Yep,” I smiled, showing it off, “Kennedy finally made it official. We haven’t set a date or anything yet, but we’re thinking next summer.”

I smiled, “I’m so happy for you, Hales. You’ll make a great wife.”

“You’ll be a bridesmaid, right? I mean, I know Austin thinks it is okay to leave you out, but you’re my oldest friend! I need you,” I said.

I honestly felt honored that Haley wanted me to be in the wedding. After all I had done, leaving her behind and only talking occasionally over the last four years. I missed how I could always trust these people, always count on them.

All of my decisions seemed so wrong now. Why did I leave them all? I could have made a life here and seen them every time they came home. I could keep Haley company when the boys were gone. My dreams of being an actress seemed so unreal. Every girl dreamed of that and the rest of them were usually smart enough to know it wouldn’t work.

As if he was reading my mind John spoke, “We all went to the midnight premier of the movie you were in.”

I laughed, “I was only in it for a few scenes. I told you that!”

“We were so excited to see you though!” Garrett said, “Totally worth it.”

“Well thanks guys,” I said sheepishly.

But acting had always been my dream, I loved it and I was good at it. But I had overestimated the Los Angeles scene. It was dirty and full of hard drugs. There were no real friends, and good guys were few and far between. Once again I couldn’t fathom why I had left.

But then he walked in the room.

He was wearing tight jeans and a shirt I recognized but his face was clean shaven. Everyone greeted him with ‘congratulations’ and he didn’t even seem to notice me. But once his eyes fell to mine I remembered every single reason I left in the first place.

No one stopped to watch if we would talk. It was like all of my friends knew the odd situation and were covering for me.

“Gibbs!” John yelled, “Let’s get you drunk!”

“I’m getting married tomorrow,” he rolled his eyes.

“Got it. Let’s get you completely plastered,” he said as he handed him a beer.

Austin laughed lightly and shook his head as he took the drink, “You guys better put Kennedy through hell.”

Kennedy smiled as Haley sat on his lap, “No, because everyone likes my fiancé.”

Austin scowled, “Okay, I get it. Everyone hates Sarah. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get drunk.”

I wanted to ask so badly why he was even marrying her. Or why he was marrying anyone at all. But I kept my mouth shut as we all eventually moved outside. Everyone sat around the fire pit, exchanging old stories and making jokes, mostly at Austin’s expense.

The cigarette smoke began to choke me and I moved seemingly without notice back inside to pour myself another drink. Before I had even opened the bottle I was joined by someone else, not surprised it was hin.

“Hey,” he said, raspy.

“I hear that congratulations are in order,” I commented, drinking straight out of the bottle containing horribly strong liquor.

“What are you doing here, Annie?” he asked, annoyed.

“John invited me to your wedding because apparently you didn’t think you should,” I replied.

“I didn’t have an address,” he said.

“You had a phone number,” I replied quickly.

“Fine. I guess I didn’t invite you because I knew how hard it would be,” he said.

I laughed, “For me or you?”

“You, obviously,” he said.

“Oh, right. Austin Gibbs cares at all about anyone. Now you’re really convincing me,” I said sarcastically.

“What do you want me to say, Annie? You left me, remember?” he said.

“Oh don’t blame this on me, Austin. You know why I left,” I said through tight lips.

“So why didn’t you pick up a damn phone and tell me you were okay!? Instead I have to wait until John hears from you, or until I see you in some stupid magazine. That’s not fair, Annie,” he said.

“A phone works both ways,” I mumbled.

“I don’t even know you anymore. I mean, what are you wearing?” he spoke with his hands as he looked me up and down.

“What about you, huh? You’re getting married for God’s sake. It took you two years to tell me that you love me because you were so scared of commitment!” I said, showing my anger as I brushed past him towards the living room.

“Things change. You would know,” he said rudely, following me.

I spoke more quietly now as I looked at a group picture from four years ago. Everyone looked so happy. “I thought we were better than this. We let so many years of friendship go.”

“No, you did,” he said shortly.

I turned to face him, holding the picture in my hands. I pointed out one person, “Do you remember him? Because it sure seems like you don’t. He gave you a home, Austin. He provided for you like your own dad and you couldn’t even come to his funeral!”

His face turned angry at my accusation, “You know I loved your dad! I would have come if I could have.”

“But instead you nursed a hangover. And you crawled into a whiskey bottle and left me to deal with my parents’ deaths alone. You never cared about me, did you?” I said, crying now.

“When your parents got in the accident I tried to be there for you and you left,” he said angrily.

“Oh yeah right. Like you would have made any effort. I did what I needed to and you didn’t stop me,” I said.

“Well I guess it’s a good thing you took care of it for me because I would have never been able to stand this person you’ve become,” he said distastefully.

“Same here,” I snapped back.

“You know what you did to them, right? You know that Haley cried in that stupid movie because she missed you so much? Or that John and the guys cancelled shows to come to the funeral? And how do you repay them? By leaving them in the dust,” he said.

I stepped closer to him, “No, I left you.”

“And I found someone else,” he said, “And tomorrow I’m going to marry her and everything I’ve ever felt for you will finally be done.”

“So are you marrying her just to spite me? To show me that this girl could make you settle down and I couldn’t?” I asked.

“Is that what you want to hear?” he asked, “Or do you want the truth? Because I waited for you, Annie.”

“For how long?” I asked quietly, not intending for the moment to get so tense.

“Long enough to know you fell out of love with me the second you saw that Hollywood sign,” he said sadly.

“That’s not true.”

“Then when did you?” he asked, his voice cracking.

We stood so close I could feel his breath on my lips, “The truth?”

He nodded his head and reached for my hand, holding it cautiously. Every emotion I thought I wouldn’t feel again washed over me and I let out a shaky breath, “The second I heard you were getting married tomorrow.”

I moved away from him and back outside with everyone. I sat next to John and he flashed me a convenient smile.

Austin came back out after and I could see every emotion on his face. It was the same face I pictured he had when he found I was gone.

I turned to Haley, “Do you have some clothes I could borrow? I’m so uncomfortable.”

The girl grinned, “Of course. I might even have some of your old stuff.”

We went upstairs and Haley searched her drawers. “So you talked to Austin?”

“Yeah,” I said, “Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it.”

“What was he like… after I left?” I asked.

“A wreck,” Haley said, as if the mere memory made her sad, “I mean, at first we all figured it was because of your parents. He loved them like you did, you know.”

I smiled lightly at the memories of Austin always coming for dinner and watching football with my dad. My parents acted as parents to everyone, and even though they weren’t ideal according to society, they were the best I could ask for.

When Austin’s parents moved he stayed with us. My mom and dad loved him. But they got in a car accident the day after I graduated high school.

None of us ever had to deal with loss. Things never got to us, and if they did we brushed them off. But death was different. No one taught us how to deal, so the both of us did what we knew best. We pushed each other away beyond repair.

Haley continued, “But he didn’t get any better. I mean, he became more like himself but you could always tell he missed you. Every time someone said your name he would go completely silent. But then he met Sarah.”

“What’s she like?” I asked.

Haley gave me a look that said she would feel bad about what she said next, “Kind of like you. The Los Angeles you. Kennedy told me about the things you said in the car. Not that anyone holds it against you. You’ve just… changed.”

“I’m not offended, Hales,” I said, “I guess I didn’t realize how bad I seemed.”

Haley sat down next to me, “We all love you still, Annie. Because we can see who you used to be.”

“Why can’t he then?” I said quietly.

“You’re not the only one who changed,” Haley replied sadly, “You still love him?”

“It doesn’t really matter, does it?” I sighed.

Haley gave me a hug, knowing nothing she could say would make it better, “Here, get dressed.”

I changed into the old jeans and shirt. I walked back outside with everyone and was greeted by an actual round of applause.

“There she is!” John said.

“Thank you, thank you,” I laughed.

I took my seat again and met Austin’s eyes. I expected a stupid smirk at the shirt I was wearing since it belonged to him. But it never came. Maybe the old Austin wasn’t salvageable. He had stopped drinking three beers behind everyone else and hadn’t smoked one cigarette.

“Well, I think it’s time for a toast,” John said as he stood. He raised his beer in the air, “To Austin. Tomorrow he will eternally be tied to Sarah. And while that may not be what we all support, we’re happy for you, bud. Try not to leave us behind because we all know you’re dying for a cigarette.”

Everyone laughed and he continued, “I haven’t seen you happy in years, and I hope tomorrow changes that.” He raised his beer and everyone followed, “So, to Austin. And to every happiness you may have in this new life. We’ll miss you.”

++

I sat patiently in the spring air next to John. Austin was already at the front of the crowd, his groomsmen to his left, the preacher and bridesmaids to his right. I couldn’t remember if I had ever seen him in a suit.

I was wearing one of Haley’s dresses because all of mine seemed too fancy and just uncomfortable. It fit me perfectly and John couldn’t stop smiling at me.

“I don’t know what Haley said to you, but you look so much better than you did yesterday,” John said.

I nodded my head absentmindedly, not telling him that it wasn’t what Haley had said. It was everything Austin had. He hated who I was, and I loved who he used to be. But now as every guest stood to watch the brown haired bride walk down the aisle, I kept my eyes on the boy I didn’t know anymore.

He looked conflicted, and he was. He knew he should be watching Sarah come towards him but he was only watching me. Of course he had changed, everything had-- including me. So even though last night I may have had some breakthrough, he would never trust it. I knew it was because he couldn’t even trust himself.

Finally he was faced with Sarah, her white teeth showing her flawless grin. John had told me about her. She was beautiful, but dim. Nothing was funny to her, and she hated beer and cigarettes and didn’t appreciate the music Austin and they all loved. They were complete opposites.

So why did he change and become this person? Because I left the old him, the one that got high and drank and just played music. So in some backwards way he transformed so that I would come back. And then I never did.

But as he held this girl’s hands and the preacher spoke rehearsed words, he must have realized that the person he was deep down didn’t love her at all. He loved the girl in the crowd that was saying goodbye to any last hope.

“If anyone has any objections to this union, may they speak now or forever hold their peace,” the preacher said.

Everyone fought to not look at me, all of our friends begging me to just say something; to object. But I couldn’t. It was too much risk for an unsure reward.

But no matter what happened, once he sealed the marriage I would stay here in Arizona. I never belonged in L.A., and even though I had run to get away from him, staying here I would never have to see that boy again.

He was gone.

“The Humpty dance is your chance to do the hump.”

My cell phone. How did I forget to turn my cell phone off? I scrambled to find the ringing phone in my purse as everyone stared at me. My hands were so shaky it took me too long to find. Finally it silenced itself.

Some people laughed and let out the breaths they had been holding. But Sarah only stared at Austin.

The preacher spoke, “Well, I’ll take that as a no.”

“Wait,” Sarah said, “Austin?”

“Yes?” he asked, confused.

“That’s Annie, isn’t it?” she asked.

“How did you know?”

I sighed, “Because of the look on your face before her phone went off. You were practically begging someone to say something.”

“No, Sarah,” he fought before making it obvious he didn’t have the will.

I watched their exchange from the back of the crowd in my seat right on the aisle. Then everyone looked at me.

Sarah looked back at Austin, “Tell me right now what you want. Me, or that whore.”

Austin looked at me once more and spoke so quickly, without hesitation, it was like the decision was easy, “Her.”

He dropped Sarah’s hands and rushed to me, taking my hand and pulling me off. We ran until I had to take off my heels, and then we ran more until we were out of breath. We collapsed on the grass.

“What are you doing!?” I exclaimed.

He loosened his tie, “Doing what I should have four years ago.”

I shook my head, unsure, “What are you-”

He didn’t let me finish before he kissed me sweetly. I didn’t hesitate to kiss him back but pulled away quickly.

“Austin, you just walked out on your wedding. You have some explaining to do,” I said.

He sat up to meet my eyes, “Annie, I love you. I love who we were four years ago. I want to be there again and so do you.”

All it took for Austin and me to realize how far gone we were was too see the other. Nothing could keep us apart, no matter how much we wanted it to. And I was grateful.

“Why is this so easy?” I laughed softly, leaning my forehead against his.

“It always will be,” he said, kissing me one more time.

We fell back into the grass and I curled up into his side. We stayed silent for a long time before Austin spoke, “Annie, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay?” I asked, slightly nervous.

But his next words only assured me that neither of us had actually changed at all,

“I could really go for a smoke.”