Everywhere Everything

My eyes blinked a few times before my brain fully comprehended what was happening. I heard the sporadic tapping on the window and focused on it, trying to understand what was happening in my half asleep stupor. I saw a rock hit the window, and then another and another. I felt my heart in my throat as I realized that it had to be Brayden with some bold attempt to get me to talk to him. I ignored it for a few minutes until he started shouting my name. I shot up from the bed and ran to the window in hopes of getting him to shut up before he woke the O’Callaghans. What I saw when I reached the window was something that I would remember for as long as I lived. I found myself smiling as John O’Callaghan stood firmly in his front yard, in nothing but boxer-briefs, scolding Brayden, who was pleading with him. John had his arm crossed firmly over his chest, his tall frame towering over Brayden. John shot down any attempt of Brayden trying to talk his way into the house. When Brayden looked up at my window as John started to yell at him, his eyes looked hopeful when they locked on mine. I shook my head and lowered the blinds, climbing back into bed. Maybe he would finally get the hint.
--

“So, I assume you saw the show last night?” John asked, not even looking up from the morning paper as I entered the kitchen. I just let out a sigh and a shrug as I stole a piece of his toast. He chuckled and continued, “That boy has got it bad. I’m going to have to call the cops if he doesn’t leave.”

I almost choked on the bit of toast I was currently chewing and stared at John. “You mean he’s still here?”

“Yeah. Little punk slept on the porch swing.”

“You are not going to call the cops on someone you have considered your nephew for eighteen years, John. Should I call Julia? I am sure she is worried.” Parker chimed in, entering the kitchen and kissing John on the cheek as she passed.

“Nah,” John shrugged. “He’s eighteen. I was touring when I was that age. So was Garrett. So I am sure he knows that whatever Brayden is doing, it probably isn’t even half as bad as what we did.”

“Oh I am sure that will make Julia feel better. Me too, I am so glad you convinced me to let Johnny go on tour.”

“He’s fine, Parks.”

“I can’t believe he slept outside.” she said, finally sitting down next to John and stealing his last piece of toast.

“All I wanted when I woke up was some damn toast. Now I have zero toast, thanks to you ladies, and zero bread.” John whined, pushing his plate away.

“How am I going to get to Rusty’s house if Brayden is waiting for me outside?” I asked, leaning back in my chair.

“I would have helped you if you hadn’t have taken my toast,” John grumbled, crossing his arms. I smiled as put that last bite of toast in my mouth and giggled as Parker did the same.

“Fucking women, I swear.”

“We’ll drive you,” Parker offered, choking down the huge piece of toast she had just shoved in her mouth.

“No offense, I mean you guys have been nothing but nice to me, but,”

“This is something you have to do alone.” John cut in with a wink. “We understand. I’ll go call you a cab.”

I went upstairs to change back into the clothes I had arrived in. I set the clothes they let me borrow on the bed and stared at myself in the mirror. I rubbed the smudged make-up from under my eyes and ran my fingers through my curly locks. I wished I had other clothes but I did not want to waste any time going to get them. After 18 years, I was finally going to meet my dad. I was going to get to know him; he was going to be in my life. I slipped the flip-flops that Parker let me borrow onto my feet and looked around the room.

“Carolina, your cab’s here!” I heard John call from the bottom of the stairs. I slowly exhaled and grabbed my phone. I ran down the stairs and into John’s warm embrace. “Do you need me to come outside with you and take care of Brayden?”

“I think I can handle it,” I said, leaving his arms and engulfing Parker in a hug.

“Don’t be a stranger. We are selfish people who definitely want to see you again.”

“I’ll be back, I promise.”

They handed me the very last envelope with my father’s address on it. This was it. I stepped onto the front porch and was instantly met with Brayden. He looked like a complete mess. Good.

“Carolina,”

“Don’t.” I sighed, pushing past and walking towards my cab. He grabbed onto my arm in attempt to stop me but I broke free and turned around and let him have it.

“WHAT?” I shouted, my eyes flickering back to the O’Callaghan’s house, where John and Parker were both watching out of a window. “What do you want?”
“You. I want you. I want you to listen to me and understand why I did what I did.”

“Why? Are you just going to lie some more? Are you going to cover up your lie with more lies and eventually be buried under a mountain of lies? I don’t associate with liars, let alone date them.”

“Are you seriously breaking up with me over this?”

“Look, Brayden. What you did, I don’t know if I can forgive you for it. You didn’t have to lie to me. If you would have just told me that you knew who Rusty was but couldn’t tell me, that would have been okay. I would have known that you were doing it because I was supposed to find out the way my mother had intended. You didn’t have to lie.” I sighed as the cab driver honked his horn. “Stop calling me.”

“Carolina, please don’t do this,” I heard him say from behind me as I climbed into the cab. I didn’t watch him as the cab drove away. I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts and fears.

--

When the cab pulled up to a small, picture perfect house, I suddenly couldn’t make my legs move. The cab driver turned around and looked at me, waiting for me to do anything. I forgot where I put the 20-dollar bill that John let me borrow. Not having my belongings was really a huge pain in the ass.

“Are you okay, miss?” he asked, and I nodded, swallowing down my fear and finally locating the crumpled dollar on the floorboard. I handed it to him and pushed the door open, trying to will my legs to work. When I was finally on solid ground, I noticed the immaculate yard and I let out a sigh. I may have been harsh on Brayden, and I would eventually get over it, but it would take a while for me to forgive him.

I knew he was home. I didn’t see a car in the driveway, but I am sure it was in the garage. I made John call him beforehand to see if he had plans today because I didn’t want to waste any time if he wasn’t going to be here.

“You can do this.” I said, trying to pump myself up. “You can go tell a man that doesn’t even know you exist that you are his daughter. You can do it.”

I marched up to the front door and knocked before I lost my nerve. I could hear my heart beat; it was all I could hear. I tuned out the rest of the world. I think it was the longest moment of my whole life, waiting for him to open the door. The doorknob twisted and I froze. I know I looked like a complete idiot, but I couldn’t help that.

“Can I help… ” he started, but trailed off, looking right into my eyes. There it was. We did have the same eyes, not the color, but the shape. I was sure he noticed to too.
“Hi,” I said, but that was all I could come out with.

“Hello,” he replied, looking down at my dress. “Were you in the wedding yesterday?”

“Oh,” I nodded, looking down at my dress. “I was, yes.”

We awkwardly stood there for a moment before he spoke up again.

“You remind me of someone I used to know,” he said, with a sad smile.

“Her name wouldn’t be Lena, by any chance, would it?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me.

“I mean… god this isn’t going how I have wanted it to go for eighteen years,” I muttered, under my breath.

“Is this a joke?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck. “Because I feel like this is a joke.”

“What do you mean?”

“Who are you?”

“Oh.” I bit my lip, not liking his sudden change in tone. “My name is Carolina Morris-”

“You’re Lena’s daughter?”

“And yours,” I said, just coming out with the truth as fast as I could.

I could practically hear his whole world coming to a stop. The look on his face made me wish I could run away.

“What?” was all he could say; it took everything he had to force out that one word.

“Actually, my name is Carolina Morris Richards,” I continued, shifting my weight to my other foot. “I know this is a lot to take in, you know. I’ve known that I’ve had a father my entire life, and you… well you’re just now learning that you’ve had a daughter for eighteen years, but I think-”

“Wait,” he said, shaking his head from side to side. “Carolina Morris Richards,” he repeated. “As in my… as in you are my daughter?”

I was silent as I let him take it all in. He kept looking over all of my features, trying to understand. I know this was a lot for him to take in, but I felt like I was going to explode at any given minute.

“I’m-“ he started, wiping his hands on his jeans, “I’m Justin,” he stuck his hand out to me and I took it, finally learning my fathers name. I dropped his hand and wrapped my arms around him, taking in everything. The way he smelled, the way his small frame felt underneath my embrace. I slowly backed away when I realized he wasn’t hugging me back.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my arms hugging my own body as I took a step back. “I’ve just been picturing this moment my whole eighteen years, you know? I always pictured it differently.”

“Carolina, I’m sorry, but I am not sure how I am supposed to feel.” He said, calmly. “I haven’t heard from your mom in eighteen years, she made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want me. Then out of the blue, you show up and say you are my daughter and, Jesus, you look just like your mom. It just brings up a lot of bad memories, memories I have suppressed for a long time.”

I just stood awkwardly in front of him, waiting for the big moment where he changed his mind about me and invited me in so that we could catch up on the past 18 years we had been apart, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“Where is your mom?”

“You really don’t know?” I asked, biting my lip. Of course nobody told him. That was apparently my job. “Can I come in?” I asked, starting to feel the beads of sweat run down my back. “I feel like we should talk inside.”

He didn’t say anything,; he just pushed the front door open and motioned for me to come inside. He led me down a hallway that had a lot of pictures lining the walls. Most of them were of his band, that apparently contained Nick, Halvo and Andrew. There were more pictures of him and two other guys; they looked like another band. There were some of him and my mom and it threw me off. If it was so painful for him, why would he want the memories taunting him every single day.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked. I politely declined and sat down in a chair opposite of him.

“Mom,” I started, dreading the next sentence I would say. It would probably be the most painful of all of the times I had said the sentence in my life. “Lena, she, she died last year.”

He was silent for a few minutes. I watched as tears silently rolled down his face and I couldn’t help the tears that escaped my eyes.

“How?” was all he asked.

“She had cancer,” I answered when I could finally trust my own voice.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I am sure that was very hard on you,” he said, blinking his own tears away.

“It was hard; she was a great mom. She left me with this gift for my eighteenth birthday. It was a letter and it had an address in it. And that address led me to Arizona, where I met all of these amazing people along the way. I got letter after letter and address after address until they all led me to you.”

“These people, were they my friends?” he asked, curious.

“Yes. Your band mates and some other friends.”

“So, what you mean to tell me is that all of my friends knew that you existed. They all knew that Lena- that she-” he shook his head, he couldn’t even say it. “They knew and none of them told me.”

I didn’t say anything, because I had no idea what I could say that would make him feel any less betrayed.

We were silent for a few more minutes until he finally spoke up. “If you don’t mind, Carolina, I would really like to be alone right now.”

I didn’t think twice before I jumped out of my chair and ran out of the front door, smack into Brayden, who was waiting for me. He took in the tears and wrapped his arms around me, trying to whisper sweet nothings into my ear but I didn’t want that right now.

“Will you just stop it?!” I yelled, pushing him away. “Get it through your head that I don’t need you. I don’t need you now, I don’t need you ever.”

“Carolina, stop it. You don’t mean that.”

“Oh, I don’t?” I asked, shaking my head. “I don’t need any of you. I don’t need Arizona, I don’t need my dad and I definitely don’t need you, Brayden.”

I took off running, of course I had no idea where I was. I used my cell phone to call a cab once I was convinced that Brayden wasn’t following me. I went back to The Nickelsen’s house to get my bags. Of course, I had no money so I had to run up to the tree house to scrounge together enough to pay the cab driver. By the time I returned, the cab was gone and Garrett was standing there, hands in his pockets.

“Hey,” he said, walking towards me. “I paid the cab driver, so don’t worry about that,” he said, pointing to the money I had in my hands. He took in the way I must have looked and started to play the concerned parent role, which was something I did not need at the moment.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” I nodded with a shrug.

“You haven’t seen my son around, have you?”

I rolled my eyes and shrugged. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon. He’s been chasing me all morning.”

“Ah,” Garrett replied, obviously not wanting to get into our business. “I thought you were supposed to meet Rusty today.”

“Oh,” I sighed, nodding. “You don’t have to call him Rusty anymore. I know his name is Justin.”

“Thank god, it was getting really hard to call him by another name.”

“So you met him? Great guy right? Are you here to get your things to go stay with him for a while?”

“Uh,” I thought about lying. I could have easily lied and slipped away unnoticed, but I wasn’t that kind of person. I didn’t lie. I wasn’t like Brayden. “Yeah. I met him. And no, I am actually going back to Seattle.”

“You’re what?” Julia said, walking over to where Garrett and I were having our exchange in the yard.

“I’m getting all of my things and going back to Seattle.”

“I thought you were going to stay here?”

“Look, you guys have been great, you’ve all been so great, but as much as I thought I could have called Arizona my home, I can’t. I grew up in Seattle, my grandmother is there, you know, she’s my family.”

“I thought we could have been your family too,” Julia said, looking hurt, which is not what I had meant to do.

“Brayden is going to be crushed.”

“If it’s all the same to you, I don’t want to talk about Brayden. I don’t want to talk about Justin and I just want to go back home,” I said, bursting into tears when I tried to keep it all together. Garrett and Julia both engulfed me in hugs and tried to calm me down.

“We’re sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for here,” Julia said. “I mean, I don’t know what happened with Justin, but he’s a really good guy and if he did something that hurt you, that’s out of character for him.”

“You know,” I sniffled, wiping my nose. “Why didn’t anyone tell him that my mom died? Why did you all keep it a secret?”

“Because your mom asked us to. Just like she asked us to keep you a secret.”

“I ambushed him with my presence and if that wasn’t enough, I had to tell him that the fucking love of his life is dead. How do you think he reacted? I just want to go home.”

“We can’t stop you, Carolina,” Garrett sighed, “In fact, if you want, we can drive you to the airport, but we’ve all gotten really attached to you. You’re like our daughter, and I know that a lot of the people you have met along the way feel the same way.”

“I really don’t mean to hurt you guys,” I said, “but I hope we can keep in touch.”

They didn’t argue anymore. They drove me to the airport where I booked the first flight back to Seattle. I closed the window as my plane took off, I didn’t need to the reminder of how things had gone to complete shit in a matter of 24 hours. I didn’t need the reminder of all of the things Arizona didn’t have in store for me after all. I didn’t plan on returning. All of those wonderful people I had met didn’t begin to outweigh the pain that I felt right now. I hope they could forgive me. I hope Justin had a nice life and things returned back to normal for him. We had gone 18 years without each other, we could go many more.