Everywhere Everything

I heard him enter the tree house; I just refused to believe it was time to wake up already. I felt as though my head had just touched the pillow and I got exactly zero hours of sleep.

“Get up,” he whispered in my ear, climbing into the tiny bed and laying down next to me.

“No,” I protested with a groan, rolling over to face away from him.

“Come on, Carolina. I already let you sleep in longer than I should have.”

“And whose fault is that?” I asked with a sigh, pulling the comforter over my head.

“I was being nice,” he scoffed, pulling the comforter away from my face and out of my grasp.

“You ARE a little shit,” I whined, “I should have listened to everyone.”

“Oh, come on, you don’t really mean that,” he chuckled, nuzzling into my neck. I smiled and scooted backwards, closer to him.

“I really do, unless you have coffee.”

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t bring coffee?”

I rolled back over and looked at him, allowing my lips to slowly tug into a smile. “Well, that all depends on what kind of coffee you brought me?”

“Pumpkin-”

“Pumpkin spice!” I interrupted, shooting up and kicking the remaining covers off of my legs. “How did you get them to make this? It’s June!”

“I have insane powers of persuasion,” he informed me, running his fingers through the knots in my hair.

“No kidding,” I said, reaching over him for the cup setting on the stool next to the bed. Brayden grabbed my hand and refocused my attention on him.

“Where is my good morning kiss?”

“It’s waiting until after I brush my teeth.” I informed him, pulling my arm gently out of his grasp to grab the cup of coffee and take a sip. “Wait a minute, they don’t even carry this syrup until the fall.”

Brayden smiled and pulled me closer to his body, kissing the top of my head.
“My friend is the manager at the Starbucks around the corner. I called in a favor. He said he would keep at least one case of pumpkin spice syrup in stock for you.”

“My god, you’re the best boyfriend in the world.”

“Don’t you ever forget that.”

//\\//\\//\\

After pulling me forcefully out of bed, we were on our way to the Brock’s house.

“What about the letter?”

“Hm?” Brayden sounded, fiddling with the stereo.

“Am I going to get my letter today?”

“Oh yeah,” he nodded, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel along with the Rolling Stones. I didn’t’ have enough heart to tell him that I was not a fan. “The wedding shouldn’t last that long. I already talked to them and they said we could come to their house tonight.”

“Okay,” I voiced, looking out of the window until the Brock’s house came into view.

“Well, I guess this is where we split up” he said, putting the truck into park. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over the center console to give him a kiss. “Meet you at the aisle?”

“Meet you there,” he agreed.

//\\//\\//\\

I had never actually been in a wedding before. I had never had to sit for hours while people worked on my hair and my make-up. Olivia kept cracking jokes to make me more comfortable, but I didn’t know any of these people, I was the outsider and it was awkward for me. I didn’t know any of their inside jokes or any of the looks they shot each other. They had grown up together and I was just the outcast who was filling in. The second the lady was finished making me up, I bolted. I vaguely heard Olivia call after me about changing into my dress, but I had time. I would change later. I had to go make sense of a few things.

The aisle was a blanket of rose petals all, dark red in color. As Olivia had said the previous day, there were no chairs, her guests were meant to stand.

What I wasn’t anticipating to find was for Brayden to be standing at the head of the aisle with his hands in his pockets, looking deep in thought.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked, loving the feeling of the rose petals crushing against my bare feet.

He jumped and then turned around to face me, placing his hand over his racing heart. “Shit, Carolina, you can’t sneak up on people like that.”

“Sorry,” I chuckled, joining him at the end of the aisle, slipping my hand into his.

“I don’t know, I’m just picturing Rosie and Rusty’s wedding.”

“Ah,” I nodded, looking around. “Rusty was there,” I started, pointing to where he was standing. “My mom was over here,” I finished, letting go of his hand and moving a few feet to the left.

“I could never do it the way he did,” Brayden informed me, shaking his head. “To wait until the actual ceremony to break the news to Rosie.”

“Like you said, maybe he thought he wanted to go through with it going into the ceremony. Then he saw my mom, standing over here on the verge of tears.”

“I doubt she was on the verge of tears,” Brayden laughed, shaking his head.

“Well, probably not, but he saw her , and something he saw made him change his mind.”

“I CAN’T DO THIS! IT ISN’T FAIR TO YOU, ROSIE,” Brayden started acting out the wedding. “I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!”

“I’m sure he sounded exactly like that,” I rolled my eyes, watching him walk towards me. He picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder. “LET’S RUN AWAY TOGETHER!”

“MY GOD, HE WASN’T TARZAN!” I laughed, lying limply over his shoulder. “If I recall correctly, they ran down the aisle, he didn’t carry her.”

“Yeah, well, this is the remake, baby. They are never as good as the originals.”

“Ah, not that this isn’t entertaining, but you guys really suck at recreating things,” I heard a male voice that I instantly recognized followed by the usual cloud of smoke that surrounded him. “If I remember correctly, none of what you guys just did actually happened.”

“Oh, shut up, Gibbs,” Brayden said, lowering me to the ground.

“You look pretty dapper, Mr. Gibbs.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” he said, sending a wink my way. “Except the part where your head looks all fancy and the rest of you looks kind of homeless.”

“I had to wear loose clothes so that I could… oh shut up.”

“Don’t you guys think you should finish getting ready? Wedding starts soon.”

“Nobody’s even here yet.”

“They are. They’re just pre-gaming out back.”

“Olivia is going to love that all of her guests are gong to be drunk,” Brayden smiled at Gibbs who took a drag of his cigarette and nodded, a slight smile playing at his lips.

“Oh, she will.”

//\\//\\//\\

After changing into my dress and watching Olivia finish getting ready, it was time to start the short trek to the aisle. Olivia’s dress was beautiful. Since it was Peyton’s, I figured it would look outdated and old, but it was a classic lace dress that had a sort of elegance to it that made it timeless.

I met Brayden somewhere along the way. He looked very handsome in his suit, holding his arm out for me to grab onto.

“Green is definitely your color,” he winked and planted a kiss to the top of my head.

“These heels are going to be the death of me.” I said, testing my step and almost falling over.

“Just take them off,” Olivia said from behind me with a smile. “I’m going barefoot. Who cares? It’s my wedding.”

“Then why did you make her wear them in the first place?” Kennedy asked, wrapping his arm around Olivia’s shoulder, pulling her closer to his side.

“I was doing Brayden a favor. Those heels make her legs and ass look amazing,” Olivia said, winking at me when I looked back at her and scoffed.

“And I just looked… now I am going to jail,” Kennedy said, shaking the image out of his head.

“Wait a minute,” I said, tugging on Brayden’s arm to get his attention. “Everyone can see us coming, I mean it’s in a yard. It’ll ruin the surprise for Will, won’t it?”

“Oh, that,” Brayden smiled and shook his head. “Will’s blindfolded.”

“Really?” I asked, squinting my eyes to try to see Will better. We had just turned the corner of the house and everything was in view. There were more guests than I thought would be there. I could hear the idle chatter come to a stop when the guests saw us emerge.

“Hey, Brayden-”

“Hm?”

“Is my dad here?”

“I think Kennedy said he couldn’t make it. Plus, that would have ruined everything, I suppose.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

We were lined up, waiting for our turn to walk the aisle. Brayden and I were a few couple’s back, and I was getting antsy. I was ready for this wedding to be over so that I could go to the next house and get my next letter. I looked back at Olivia who was sharing a moment with Kennedy. I don’t think I’d ever seen love reflect off of someone’s eye the way it did Kennedy’s. Olivia meant the world to him. I know parents aren’t supposed to have a favorite child, and I never had a doubt in my mind that Kennedy didn’t love Piper and Lucas with everything he had, but Olivia was his first born. She would always be his baby, the one he got to watch grow up first. The one he got to teach how to ride a bike first, or drive a car. Today, she was getting married, but I don’t think Kennedy was worried. He didn’t look like he was. I was sure he knew what we all knew. Olivia and Will were perfect for each other. He had nothing to worry about.

“Are you ready?” Brayden asked, tightening his grip on my arm, dragging my attention back to him.

“Ready when you are,” I replied with a nod.

Once we had made our way down the aisle and separated to stand on our respective sides, the crowd got really quiet. There was no music for her to walk down the aisle to; she didn’t need it. Will was still blindfolded up to this point and I watched him inhale a sharp breath and hold it in while Brayden stepped behind him to untie the blindfold.

His lips tugged at both corners until his smile overtook his face when he saw Olivia. That was love. I was seeing it first hand. It was all I had seen this trip, but it kept hitting me right in the chest. I had gone my whole life without seeing it. The only love I had known was the love my mother had for me. She never went out with guys or dated. She stayed home and took care of me, and when I was old enough to take care of myself, I had to start taking care of her. I don’t know if it was because she never got over my dad or if she simply swore off men.

I think it was because she never got over Rusty. A love like theirs doesn’t just die.

I looked over at Brayden who shot me a wink that I returned along with a smile. That was when I realized that not only was I witnessing love all throughout this trip; I was also experiencing it. I was falling in love when I hadn’t even meant to.

//\\//\\//\\//\\

As soon as the sun started setting, a sheer tent was thrown up. I loved it because you could see the stars through it. Hours had passed and my feet hadn’t left the makeshift dance floor and my hands never left Brayden’s. I watched this group of people that I had fallen in love with celebrate one of the most important days of Olivia and Will’s lives. Everyone that I had visited thus far had made an appearance as well as some that I hadn’t met yet.

“Mind if I cut in?” that deep scratchy voice interrupted my current thoughts and attracted my attention.

“I don’t know, Gibbs. Promise you’ll keep your hands placed in the appropriate zones.”

“Does it look like I want to go to jail today?”

“I’m 18, Gibbs. I’m legal!”

Brayden glared at me and I rolled my eyes, shooing him away. The song turned slow and Gibbs placed one of his hands directly on my waist, while the other held onto his beer bottle.

“How are you tonight, darlin’?”

“Pretty great. How are you, Gibbs?”

“Oh, you know. I’m here,” he chuckled. “I’m always here. You have to meet my wife later,” he informed me, taking a long swig of his beer.

“I finally get to meet her?”

“Yeah. She’s back from her business trip.”

“I am looking forward to it,” I smiled up at him and continued, “Why don’t I meet her now?”

“Good idea,” he said, dropping his hand from my waist and grasping my hand in his, leading me through the dance floor. We were a few feet away from her and Austin was about to make the introductions when I felt someone grab my other arm and start pulling me away.

“What’s going on?” Austin asked, stalking after us.

“Brayden what are you doing?” I asked, trying to yank my hand out of his tight grip. Brayden ignored me and looked back at Gibbs.

“I left my keys inside, can I borrow your car?”

“Where are you going?” Gibbs asked, digging through his pocket for his keys.

“Rusty is here.” I froze at the name and started looking around to see if I could spot anyone new. Then it hit me. My skin burned where Brayden was touching me and I yanked my arm harder to get out of his grasp.

“I thought he wasn’t coming.”

“Yeah, so did I. He just got here. I saw him a few minutes ago.” Brayden answered Gibbs and then looked down at me, on eyebrow cocked. He loosened his grip on my arm but didn’t entirely let go.

I watched Austin’s keys fly through the air, but I caught them before they even had the chance to touch Brayden’s skin.

“So let me get this straight,” I said calmly, looking right into Brayden’s eyes. “You saw Rusty.”

“Yeah and that’s why we need to go.” I suddenly wanted to punch him as hard as I could and run back under the tent to try to find Rusty. I knew that I could do neither of these things.

“You saw him?” I asked again, raising my voice slightly, a glare prominent on my face.

It was then that Brayden realized his mistake and I watched as panic flashed over his eyes.

“So that line you fed me about not knowing who he was, that was bullshit?” I said even louder, trying to yank my arm away from again with no luck.

“Let me explain, Carolina, plea-“

“You lied to me?” I cut him off, shaking my head and finally breaking free from him, rubbing my arm where he had grabbed it. “You don’t get to explain anything.”

Brayden looked around us and grabbed onto my arm again, trying to lead me to the car. I stayed exactly where I was, standing my ground. I knew that he could easily throw my body over his shoulder like he had countless times before, but I wouldn’t go without a fight, and I think he knew that.

“Come on, can we please just get out of here? I will explain it to you in the car.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head from side to side. “Why would you lie to me about this? Why would you lie about something that big, something that meant so much to me?”

“Carolina, come on, people are starting to stare.”

“I’ve got this,” an older man said, grabbing the keys from my hand and chunking them back at Austin, who was too drunk to catch them.

“It’s okay, let me handle this,” Brayden said, looking at the guy next to me, who just shot Brayden a warning look.

“Come on Carolina,” the man said, leading me away.

“Wait, who are you? Why should I go with you?”

He smiled a toothy grin at me and let a chuckle escape from the back of his throat. “You are supposed to come to my house tonight anyway. My wife is already in the car. We’ve got your letter waiting for you.”

“Thank god,” I sighed, looking behind me only once to see my lying boyfriend watch my retreating form with a look of hurt paining his face.

//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\

The car ride was quiet. The man in the front seat was singing along to the radio, while his wife stopped attempting to have a conversation with me. I think she knew that I wasn’t trying to be rude; I just didn’t feel like talking. I had just had my first fight with my boyfriend and it was one that I wasn’t going to get over in a matter of hours, maybe even days. I tried to focus on other things, like the guy in the front seat. He was one of the most attractive people I had ever seen, and he was in his 40’s. I could only imagine how attractive he was in the prime of his life. From what I could tell, he was easy going, and probably knew how to have fun. The guy had a great singing voice and I couldn’t help but listen to the way he turned an old 90’s pop song into something I would actually listen to on a daily basis.

“So,” I finally spoke up, watching the man’s eyes focus on me in the rearview mirror, “I’m Carolina. I’m 18 and I just got in the car with complete strangers. I think this could be the start of a horror movie.”

The man chuckled again and his wife punched him from the passenger seat.

“Sorry, sorry,” he chuckled again, rubbing his arm.

“I’m Parker. This,” she said, punching the man again, “Is my husband, John. He’s kind of an asshole.”

“I am not,” he stated, matter of factly. “I am a very charming gentleman. I love long walks on the beach, and enjoy relaxing in a nice warm bubble bath from time to time.”

I smiled at him and his wife laughed, shaking her head. “Why did I marry you?”

“Mmmm, because you fell for me. Literally.”

“I suppose you knocking me up had something to do with it.”

“See, that’s not fair. I didn’t know that I knocked you up until a few years after you gave birth, so that is not a valid point.”

“So you guys have a kid?” I piped in, trying to regain their focus.

“Yeah,” John answered, stopping at a red light and focusing his attention back to me. “John Cornelius O’Callaghan the sixth.”

“What a name.”

“Hey, it’s a fine, strong name!” he defended.

“Why didn’t he come to the wedding?” I asked.

“He’s touring with his band right now.”

“Ah, like father like son?” I asked. “I mean, I assume you’re in a band, right? Just about everyone else has been. Lead singer, maybe?”

“I was the lead singer of a little band called, ‘The Maine.’ You are correct.”

“What was it like to be married to a rock star?” I asked Parker, who turned around to talk to me.

“It was hard, but I got used to it. He was gone 9 months out of the year, sometimes more. I don’t think I would have traded it for the world though. That band made him who he is today. I happen to love who he is today.”

“And I love you,” he smiled, reaching across the console to grab a hold of her hand.

I felt my heart leap into my throat as I thought of Brayden and just how hurt I actually was that he lied to me. He didn’t have to lie. He could have told me he knew who Rusty was and I wouldn’t have bugged him about it. I know more than anyone else how important the secrecy was. Rusty didn’t even know about me. My mom had this whole thing planned out and I wasn’t about to ruin it when I was so close to finding out who he was.

I got weighed down with my thoughts and didn’t even realize that the car had come to a stop and John was waiting for me to follow him inside.

It was then that I realized I was still barefoot and had left my regular clothes at the Brock’s house. John must have read my mind or something because he told me that we would go back and get them in the morning, if I wanted to stay the night.

Of course I did. There was no way I could go back to the Nickelsen’s and face Brayden, not yet. John led me to a spare room that I was meant to use for the night. I took my time in the bathroom, washing off all of my makeup and the remains of the day; unpinning my hair so that it was curly and loose around my face. I changed into an old Tom Petty shirt John let me sleep in as well as some shorts Parker provided. These people really didn’t know me, but they went out of their way to make sure that I had everything I needed. I took a deep breath and was about to reemerge from my room, when I opened the door and found John on the other side. His hand was raised as if he was about to knock on the door, a bowl of ice cream chilling in his other hand.

“Oh,” he smiled at me and held out the bowl of ice cream. “This is for you. I figured it had been a long day for you and you could use a little pick me up.”

“You know,” I smiled, grabbing the bowl out of his hand. “You sir, are a perfect person.”

“I know. I tell myself that every single day,” he smiled and started leading me through the house. “Parker left your letter on the kitchen table. We’re going to go to bed soon, because we’re old and can’t hang like you young folks can anymore. Help yourself to any food or movies or anything. Mi casa es su casa.”

“Hey John,” I said after he started walking away. He turned around and cocked an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Anything for Lena’s daughter. Absolutely anything.” With a wink and smile, he was gone.

I set my ice cream on the table, grabbed the envelope and plopped down on a chair, tapping the thick paper between my fingers.

I opened the envelope and slid out the contents, plopping them down on the table with a sigh. I looked over to the chair next to me and thought of how Brayden was supposed to be sitting there. He was supposed to listen to me, or even read it out loud to me, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t because he was a liar.

“Well, mom, please cheer me up. For the love of god, please.” I whispered under my breath, unfolding the papers and starting from the beginning.

---
My sweet Carolina,

This is the last stop. I saved the best for last. I never wrote about John or Parker because I didn’t get close to them until after Rusty and I had gone our separate ways. John was there for me when I needed him and even helped me move my things back to Seattle. I want to thank you for trusting me and taking this journey. If you’ve gotten this far, you haven’t deviated from the path I set up for you. After today, the choice to meet Rusty or not is yours. John and Parker hold the last envelope that has his address in it. Just understand that when Rusty and I split up, it was my fault. I kept you a secret for a reason, but I never anticipated on leaving this world before you. Now I am gone and you need someone to rely on; someone to be there for you. I feel like Rusty could be that person, as well as all of the other people you have met along the way. I love you more than anything in this entire world and I want you to know that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to not know what you want right now. You’re going to be just fine. I know your life is going to be filled with more loss, but it will also be filled with more love. Don’t run away from it or hide from it like I did. Don’t push it away, because every time you do, you lose a piece of yourself that you will never get back. It’s been years and Rusty still has a big part of my heart and I never fully recovered. I’m not sure if I ever would have. Rusty gave me the best gift I could have ever asked for, and I know this sounds like something cliché from a movie, but you’ll understand one day.

This is the last thing I have for you, Carolina. Never forget the 17 years we had together and never forget how much I truly love you. I hope someday you have a daughter that you love exactly the way I have loved you. I hope you tell her about the relationship we shared and how I wish I were still around to meet her. I hope you pass along our stories and our jokes. I hope you have memories like I have, memories that will never die. You’re the reason my life had so much meaning. Don’t ever change, baby girl. Be who you are and own it.

I love you.

P.S. It’s okay to cry. Ignore the tearstains I left you.

---

I wiped the tears away from my eyes that I hadn’t even realized had collected there and chuckled to myself as I noticed the smudges and stains left by her tears. She wasn’t a really big crier, but when she did cry, it always seemed like it would never stop. I blinked away the tears and flipped the page. I glanced over the empty chair next to mine and shook my head again, taking a bite of my melted ice cream. I pushed the bowl away and focused on the last part of my mom’s letter.

---

We took our time getting to Seattle. I suppose that was an understatement. It took us a month. A month full of long conversations lying in bed in random hotel rooms. A month of exploring parts of California neither of us had been to before. We weren’t in a hurry to get to Seattle. I knew Rusty was nervous about meeting my mom, but I was excited. I knew she would hate him solely based on the fact that she never liked any of the guys I had been with. If she hated him, then I was in the clear. I could get a visit out of the way and at the same time, tell her that I was never coming back to Seattle to live. There was nothing there for me now. My whole life was right next to me, and he would remain that way for as long as I could keep him. I literally caught myself looking at him while we drove down random stretches of highway and thinking to myself, “What did I do to deserve him?”

Of course our month spent on the road didn’t go without a few hitches. We were starting to run low on money and Rusty was supposed to be heading home soon to tour. He kept telling me that he didn’t want to go on tour. He didn’t want to leave me for that long, and it always made me feel like I was an impending cloud of doom on his life. I was keeping him from things he loved, things he needed to do. I was keeping him from his fans and everything that made him the person he was.

Austin called just about everyday and every once in a while I would let myself answer the phone just to clue him in on certain things, but I never told him enough to matter. I could tell he was getting more and more frustrated as the days passed, but that wasn’t my concern. Nothing in Arizona mattered to me right now. Sure, I missed my friends, but I wasn’t missing the mess we had left there. Austin told me at least once every time we talked how big of a coward I was being. That was usually when I hung up on him and told myself that I wouldn’t answer his call the next time, but I usually did.

We were a few minutes from my childhood house when I first felt nauseous. “Rusty pull the car over, please.” I demanded, grasping for the door handle as soon as the car came to a stop.

“Are you okay?” he asked, unbuckling his seatbelt, but I didn’t have time to answer him before I watched the contents of my stomach empty out onto the side of the road. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and shook my head. “I think I’m just nervous.”

“I think I’m the one that’s supposed to be nervous here, Lenny.”

“Well, I haven’t been home in almost a year.”

“It’ll be okay. I’ll be there with you,” he said, kissing my forehead just before another wave of nausea hit me.

Then it clicked. I wasn’t nervous at all. I couldn’t chalk it up to being something that I knew it wasn’t.

“Can we stop at a pharmacy before we get to my mom’s?” I asked, suddenly feeling lightheaded and weak. I was sure I was the color of a sheet.

“Need to get something to settle your stomach?” Rusty asked, opening the car door for me.

“Yeah,” I lied. “Something to settle my stomach.”

//\\//\\//\\//\\

After convincing Rusty that I was only going to be inside of the CVS, he finally let me go in alone. After grabbing a travel size bottle of mouthwash, I found myself in front of the pregnancy tests. This was an area of the store I had never thought I would ever find myself. There were so many to choose from, they all sort of jumbled together and left me with a huge headache. I grabbed the first one my fingertips came into contact with and started making my way to the counter to check out. Then I remembered that I had a purpose as to why I came into the store and grabbed something that would settle my stomach, even though I was pretty sure it wouldn’t help. I had this gut feeling that Rusty and I had been so careless and our lives were about to drastically change.

After paying, I shoved the test into my bag and carried the other two items out by themselves so that Rusty wouldn’t suspect anything. I didn’t want him freaking out, not yet.

By the time we reached my mom’s house, I had Rusty convinced that I felt 100% better.

“We’ll get the bags later,” I told him, grabbing onto his hand and leading him towards the door.

I knocked on the door, and rubbed soothing circles into Rusty’s hand with my thumb to try to calm his nerves. He was going to be fine, my mother never unleashed her fury on unsuspecting victims. She always saved that for me.

“You’re going to be fine,” I reassured him, leaning in to give him a quick peck. That was the moment my mother decided to fling the door open and stare at me with a disapproving look.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” was her opening line. I slapped on a fake smile and took a step forward.

“Hi, mom,” I greeted, stepping forward again to embrace her in a hug. She didn’t push me away, and I suppose that was a good sign. Normally she would have, but I suppose having Rusty there was like having a protective shield. She wouldn’t show her ass in front of complete strangers.

“And who is this?” she asked, pulling away from me and glancing over at Rusty.

I introduced them, and well, you know your grandmother, she tried not to seem rude but failed miserably.

“So, are you just passing through or are you actually staying?” she asked, leading us into the house that hadn’t changed at all. “ I mean, I haven’t seen or heard from you in almost a year, what’s changed? Do you need money? Are you pregnant? Do you need me to bail someone out of jail, I mean what is it this time?”

I took a deep breath and looked over at Rusty, who was rubbing at the back of his neck, avoiding any eye contact whatsoever.

“No, mother. I just wanted you to meet Rusty. That’s all.”

She pursed her lips and looked over at Rusty with a sour face. “Let’s go talk, Rusty. Just you and me.”

“Mom, that’s not really necessary,” I groaned. “I just want this to be a normal visit.”

“It will be. After I get to know Rusty one on one.”

“It’s fine, Lenny.” He smiled and rested his hand on the small of my back.

“See, Lena. I’m not as terrible as you think I am.”

“Right,” I muttered under my breath, watching as she led Rusty away from me. I seized this opportunity and grabbed my bag, taking the stairs two at a time until I reached the upstairs bathroom connected to my old room. I closed the door and pulled the test out of my bag, following the directions to a tee. I sat down on the side of the tub, reading a shampoo bottle while I waited for the alarm on my phone to go off so that I could see the results. It was the longest five minutes of my life. I re-read the shampoo bottle at least 20 times until I got bored of it and threw it back into the tub. I jumped when the alarm sounded, not sure if I wanted to look. I had never wanted kids, they weren’t for me. I wasn’t fit to be a good mother. I was too selfish.

I closed my eyes at tightly as I could and grabbed the stick, taking a deep breath before I allowed myself to check. I looked down and saw that stupid pink plus sign. I didn’t cry like most girls did. This wasn’t some great tragedy that struck my life at the worst possible time. I already put all of the pieces together and was about 80% sure of it. My life was officially about to change. Rusty’s life was also about to change.

Rusty. I thought about his band, his career, his life and how drastically it was all about to be rattled and shaken up. He was already talking about skipping the next tour, but I wasn’t going to let him. It was who he was.

So that’s when I thought up the plan. While my mother was downstairs grilling Rusty for information, I was upstairs, thinking of ways that I was going to avoid ruining his life. My life was about to change drastically, his wasn’t. I wasn’t going to let it.

//\\//\\//\\

“So, was she terrible?” I asked as I fluffed my pillow and laid down on my bed. My mom and Rusty talked until about 11:30, but I was too physically and emotionally drained to legitimately care what they talked about.

“No, I mean she was scary sometimes, but she generally cares for you. She just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to hurt you.”

“Hah, yeah right, like she cares,” I sighed, turning the light off and snuggling under the covers.

“What have you been doing this whole time?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me and tangling his legs between mine.

“Nothing. Tumblr,” I shrugged. “Just passing the time.”

A little more meaningless chatter continued until finally I could hear Rusty’s deep breaths confirming that he was asleep. I studied his features in the moonlight and tried to etch every single one of them into my memory. Tonight was going to be the last night that we were going to have together. I was going to make sure that he left tomorrow without a second glance back. I wasn’t going to be the one responsible for ruining his life.

Trust me, I am not saying that you would have ruined his life. If he stayed with me, he would done everything in his power to make sure that he was with us as much as he possibly could be. It was a decision that I had arrived at and the only decision that I could see working for everyone.

Please don’t think I am a bad person. If I could have a do-over, I would have chosen something different, but I didn’t. I was young and naive and this seemed to be the best option at the time.

//\\//\\//\\

I didn’t give him long to adjust to the morning sun before I was yelling at him. It was the only way I figured that this plan would work. I had to piss him off. Rusty and I had only ever fought once, and we promised we would never do it again, but I had no other choice.

“Lena?” he said, confused as he tried to orient himself with the unfamiliar surroundings and the morning sun glaring right into his eyes.

“We’ve made a hug mistake,” I said again, even louder. “Rusty, we can’t do this.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Austin just called me,” I lied, making a mental note to call Austin later and get him to cover for me. “He told me how everything there has gone to shit. We’ve ruined so much,”

“What could we have possible ruined?”

“Your band, Rusty. You haven’t been to a band practice in over a month. You’re supposed to leave for tour next week. Don’t lie to me and tell me that you want to miss this next tour.”

“I do want to miss it. I want to be with you –“

“No,” I shouted, pacing the floor back and forth. “You can’t miss this next tour. Don’t you see how stupid that is? You can’t skip a tour for a girl. You wouldn’t have skipped the tour if you had married Rosie, would you?”

“No, but I’ve also had months and months with Rosie. I just got you. I don’t want to let you go just yet.”

“You have to. I won’t let you break up the band just because of me.”

“Wait, break up the band?”

“Yeah, you haven’t talked to any of them in over a month, Rusty. What do you expect them to do? Wait for you to come play whenever you fucking feel like it?”

“Shit,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair, leaving it a mess. “So, I’ll call them today. I’ll sort it all out.”

“No, you have to go,” I said, walking over to where he was laying in bed and grabbing his hands to pull him out of bed. “You can’t just throw it all away.”

“Okay, so what if I go? You’ll come with me, won’t you?”

“Back to Arizona?”

“Yeah, back to Arizona.”

“I need to stay here and help my mom out with a few things.”

“Okay… but you’ll be back, right?”

“Of course I’ll be back,” I said, the lie easily spilling from my mouth. I had to choke back the tears threatening to fall.

“You’ll be back before I leave?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me.

“I will,” I nodded. He smiled and kissed my forehead.

“Okay.”

“You should probably head back now though, get that extra practice time in.”

He chuckled and pulled me closer to his body. “If I knew any better, I would say you are trying to get rid of me.”

He had no idea how right he was. I took my time telling him goodbye. I let myself touch him, kiss him and hug him as much as I possibly could. I was trying to remember the way he smelled, the way he kissed me like I was the most precious thing on the face of the earth, the way he held onto me like he never wanted to let me go.

It wasn’t the goodbye I wanted or the goodbye he even deserved, but I had to do it for him.

That was the last time I ever saw Rusty. I called Austin and told him what was going on later that day, and he told some of the guys, who all swore to keep my secret. Rusty left to go on tour with hopes that I would be there when he returned, but I wasn’t. John and Ben moved all of my things back to Seattle. Ben surprisingly wasn’t as mad as I thought he would be at me, but what I really wasn’t expecting to receive was support from John. He told me that he would stand behind me through anything, and if I felt this was the right decision, so did he. I heard that Rusty came to look for me once after he figured out I was never coming back. By that time, your grandmother and I had moved across town into a bigger house, the house she lives in now. Every time his band traveled to Seattle, he always held out hope that I would show up at a show, but I never did. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I know I am a terrible person for leaving him the way that I did.

I have never loved anyone since then. From what I have heard he tried to move on, but I don’t think he will.

I hurt both of us enough to damage us permanently. I hope that you will explain all of this to him if you choose to meet him. Please tell him that I never stopped loving him and I regret what I did every single day of my life.

I am sorry that I kept you from your father all of these years. I thought it was the best thing at the time.

I love you, Carolina.

//\\//\\//\\

I stumbled my way up the stairs and couldn’t control the amount of tears that spilled over my eyelashes.

I wasn’t crying because of the relationship I never had with my father. Hopefully that would all change.

It was the last letter I would ever receive from my mom. She was gone. That was it. I had nothing else to look forward to from her. No words of wisdom, nothing.

I picked up my phone that I had left lying on the bed and threw it across the room when I saw I had 14 missed calls from Brayden.

I forced myself to go to sleep so that the morning would come faster.

I was going to meet my dad.

Finally.