On My Own

“I feel really embarrassed asking this, but do you have a tampon?” I asked, walking into Stephanie’s room. She laughed and nodded. Stephanie walked into the bathroom and opened two drawers full of tampons and pads. “You’re like set in case the store gets a shortage.”

“Every time Dad goes shopping, he buys a pack of each to make sure I’m supplied,” Stephanie explained. I laughed and she left the bathroom. I did my business and took care of my dilemma. I grabbed a couple of extra ones and went into my room across the hall.

“Girls, you better get a move on,” Dave called from downstairs. I picked up my bag and slid on my flip flops. I shut off my television and walked downstairs. Stephanie came down a minute later with her keys dangling from a lanyard. Dave handed us each our lunch money and I thanked him.

Stephanie and I started walking towards school and Matt sent me a message asking if I wanted to go out with him and the guys tonight. I told him yes and smiled. “That’s your ‘Matt-just-asked-me-out-face’,” Stephanie snickered.

“I’m going out with him and the guys tonight,” I giggled. “I promise, you’ll meet his friends soon. He already knows that you know about me and him dating.” We crossed the street. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead,” Stephanie said.

“Why aren’t your parents together?” I asked. “I don’t want to seem nosy, I’m just curious.”

“Well, my dad has always been gay. Ever since he was a kid, he knew. He and my mom were best friends and got drunk one night. They had a one night stand,” Stephanie explained. “My dad proposed to my mom and married her, because he figured it was the right thing to do.

“They never had sex; Dad wasn’t attracted to mom that way. Eventually, they get divorced and I was living with my mom for a while. My mom really is uptight. She needed to get laid.” Stephanie laughed and shook her head. “Mom really wasn’t the mothering type; I don’t think she ever wanted kids. She gave my dad sole custody of me. I rarely see her; she’s a lawyer and I think she tries pretending she doesn’t have a daughter. I don’t even know where she lives.”

“I’m sorry that your mother doesn’t see you that much,” I told her. “I can say that my mom and I would have our moments, but for the past year we’ve been fighting so much.” I sighed and we walked into our school. “But even though we fight, I still love my mom.”

“I’m actually okay with my mom leaving. My dad, I think, did an amazing job raising me by myself and I wouldn’t change how I turned out,” Stephanie said. I nodded and we headed to Stephanie’s locker.

“Alright, what do you want to listen to?” Mom asked me, holding the TV remote. She switched the station to one of the pop music stations. Lady GaGa began blasting and she grinned. “This good?”

“Yes!” I laughed, sipping my kool-aid that was full of vodka. I got up and began dancing with my mom. We grabbed each other’s’ hands and danced together. My mom had me spin and then I did the same to her. We bumped hips and the song switched to an Owl City song.

“Hey, it’s Fireflies!” Mom laughed. I giggled and twirled around the room. My mom gave me a hug. “I love you, Brittany.”

“I love you to, Mom,” I whispered back.

I sighed and walked with Stephanie towards our Consumer Education class. “You okay?” She asked.

“Just thinking,” I replied. She nodded and didn’t press the subject. We took our seats and I wondered about how my family was. I wanted to know if they were okay, if they were still fighting, and if they missed me.

I thought back about the writing assignment Matt had us write about last week. My Brittany side of me had said that friends are better than family, because friends loved me more than my family did and always did their best to help when I had problems. Adeline had said that family loves unconditionally and respect and support each other.

I think they both have points. You love family unconditionally, no matter what, and you can say the same about friends. Because best friends are almost like family, the same about families could be said about best friends. You support each other, fight and make up, and always, though sometimes you don’t think it, you really do love each other.

My family and I had issues; I was never going to deny that. Each one of us had our flaws. My mom’s alcohol abuse, my grandma pretending she was innocent after being proven guilty, my dad for not stepping in as much as he should’ve, my sister for falling for my grandma’s bullshit, and my brother for his constant bipolar problem. But, I think I had the worst problem because I let everything get to me, which is what drove me insane.

And I wasn’t going to deny I was partially insane. All the little fights bothered me and what other people did bothered me. It was just edging me to push the giant red button labeled ‘Do Not Touch’, which I of course had to touch. That was why I had tried killing myself; because I couldn’t just let stuff be. It was always in my head and happening all the time, it was too much.

“Ade, are you sure you’re okay?” Stephanie asked me again.

“Just a headache,” I told Stephanie. She nodded and I quickly copied the notes that were on the bored as our teacher handed out a worksheet. I missed my family, though I hated what they made me become, I still missed them. But, that doesn’t mean I was going to go making plans to see them. No way was I going back anytime soon.