A Beautiful Lie

I woke up from yet another blank dream. They scare me. I usually get hurt, physically, when these happens. I signed and noticed Frank wrapped from my hips. I turned my head a little and kissed his forehead. He smiled. He curls up on my shoulder; I held his head against me.

“I love you,” we both whispered at the same time. I never wanted to leave this moment. It was perfect. I finally felt love. He was the one I would stay forever. I kissed him constantly; I didn’t want him to feel alone ever again.

Syn pushed opened the door. His face was worried. He grasped my hand and pulled me off the bed. Frank dropped to the floor. “Your father,” he breathes out. “He’s downstairs.” We both rushed; Frank stood behind. “Apparently he called your cell phone and Frank picked up. He’s freaking the fuck out, and I smell liquor on him…a ton.”

Just another day…I thought. Just another time while he’s drunk…Just another run away plan with Brian and Jimmy…Just another hit….Just another how worthless I am comment….Just another day…

I stepped downstairs, my backpack lugging over my shoulder. My father was standing there, bloodshot eyes. I look up at him with innocent eyes. “You’re fucking late.” He scowls.

“I told you,” I whispered very softly, “it was going to end late.”

“No you didn’t,” my father screamed. Jimmy flinched back, worrying for me. I turned around and saw Frank sitting at the staircase. He stood up and moved towards Jimmy and Synyster. “What the fuck is he doing here?”

“He-he’s a friend of Jared’s…” My eyes wander off from my father’s red, mad face. He grabbed my t-shirt and pushed me down. He kneeled down and slapped me. I didn’t whimper or cry. I was so used to it by now; the pain was dull to me. I heard Frank gasping.

“What have you been doing to him?” He growled towards Frank. “Fucking your own older brother?”

The room became completely silent. “What,” I whispered. I looked to Frank. “You…you…” I turned behind my father, walking slowly towards him. “Why did you never tell me? You’re fucking lying to my face.” Tears fell from my face like a rapid rainy storm. “You’re always a fucking liar.”

“Frank Anthony Iero Jr,” he said. It hit me right there. My father’s name is Frank Anthony. The last names are different; that was probably my mom’s last name. My breathing was coming out wrong.

“No,” I whispered. My father slapped me again; I sinned, so he should be hitting me. This time I started crying. I cried because I thought he was the right one. I thought I could fall in love forever with him. I fucked my younger brother…I kissed him…I fell in love with him. “Forgive me,” I pleaded towards Frank.

“Never,” my father thinking it was towards him answered. “I knew there was a reason I never loved you, Zackary.”

I bolted right out of the apartment, leaving everything there. My best friends who care about me….But do I care about them? My father, my maker, the one who watched me grow up…. But he hates me. I chased off his only love. My boyfriend….my brother…the only I trusted and fell in love with….the one I want to run back and take him… But he probably hates me enough.

I ran down by the pier. All the guys meet up here. I felt sick to my stomach. I leaned over and coughing up bile from stress. I felt someone’s hand on my back. I wiped some off my mouth and turned to see the whole band next to me. Syn was the one with his hand. I fell right into his arms, crying. He stood there, arms wrapped around me. He didn’t speak nor did anyone; we stood in silence, listening to my cries and whimpers from everything.

After a couple hours, we sat around in a circle. Syn touched my cheek softly, noticing bruising forming. Tears started forming in his brown eyes. “I can’t…” He leans onto Jimmy, crying. “You cannot go back.” He stutters out.

I sat on the edge of the pier, Matt and Johnny by my side. Syn and Rev sat in back of me. We stared at the ocean, remembering how easy life used to be. I started to lean towards Matt. He put an arm around me as I drifted into thoughts.

Everyone hates me. My own father cannot forgive me for what I have caused. I made everything worse. Everyone hates me. I can’t stare at my own reflection. I fucked my little brother; how disgusting am I? I’m a fucking walking freak. I should die; I’m a sinner forever.

I leaned closer in Matt. Jimmy’s hand fell on my back. “I hate this,” I whispered. “I fucked up everything, don’t I?”

“Don’t we all,” Johnny spoke up for once. Matt smiled to him, Syn stop sniffing and nodded, and Jimmy cracked up. I stared still into the ocean and smirked at the comment.

“Hey,” Brian pushed me out of my day dream. “I want you to come over tonight. Run away from home for once; you know my parents love you to stay. Jimmy’s going to be there too.”
“I-I,” Jimmy hide his face a little bit. He was scared to speak up; he always was scared to share his thoughts.

“Speak,” I said. “You are very elegant, Jimmy.”

“At points,” Matt’s color commentary slipped out, but Rev shrugged it off.

Jimmy stared at Syn. “Can’t you have your parents fight for them to keep Zacky?”

“They were thinking about it; they were there, Jimmy.” My eyes opened wide. “Zacky, they would do anything for all of us. You know how much my father and mother love you. My brother moved out so you would have his room. My sister adores you; she loves being around you. Don’t worry if you have to move in about us not loving you.”

I couldn’t speak. I was completely speechless. I hopped right into Brian’s lap and gave him a bear hug. I stayed like that for the longest time. Once our eyes met, he kissed my forehead. Tears came again from my part. “Thank you so much, Brian. You are the most amazing friend I ever had…all of you.”

Matt patted my back. “We’re always here for you, buddy. I and Johnny are going to stay at my house, you know, not far from the Haner’s place. We also gotta start that photography project to finish.” Matt gave me a hug. “Do well, Zacky.” Johnny gave me a hug, then Jimmy, Syn and I walked to the apartment.

Everyone was gone. Suzy, Brian’s mother, came up to me and gave me a hug. “I’m so sorry, Zacky. I’m so sorry for what’s been happening. We are filing for court to plead with you to live with us.”

“Thank you so much for everything.” I smiled to her and Brian’s dad. “You were always a family to me. Thank you so much.”

“It’s no issue for us,” Mr. Haner said.

Brian’s twin ran downstairs, McKenna. She came up to me and jumped into my arms. She was always a sweetheart like her brother. Her boyfriend, Arin Illejay, ran downstairs and was right behind her, hand behind his head. “I’m so sorry. I witnessed it.”

I ducked my head as her arms stayed around me. “I’m sorry for what you saw, McKenna.”

“It’s not your fault. You’re now my older brother.” She smiled. “I always wanted you as my own brother.”

Arin came by me. “It will get better.” That’s the only thing he ever said to me. Arin—to me—was a freshman that didn’t bother the senior or juniors like the rest of them to. That’s why I liked him; he never spoke though.
I smiled to him. It slowly was getting better though. That night, I stayed up in Syn’s room. He and Jimmy were on an air mattress. Mrs. Haner did not like the idea of all the couples staying together that night but had to deal with it. She didn’t even know what me and Frank did though…

That night though was something I couldn’t forget. I keep tossing and turning. Frank…where is he? How’s he handling this? I want him…I want him…Frank…Frank…I sprung up. I fucked my younger brother…I fucked my younger brother. I’m in love with him still….I made out…I kissed…I’m in love with him…I held…I touched…I’m in love with him still…I kissed…I love…I hate myself for loving you!

I went to the bathroom and found a blade. It was as if it had eyes staring at me. It tempted me. I haven’t cut in a month after my father abusing me for loving some other guy. I shook my head, thinking ways out of it. Nothing was coming through; I held it between my fingers. I craved a heart into my right wrist.

The blade dropped, dripping blood down the side. The blood poured down my arm. I keep crying. I murmured to myself, “Someone please….love me…”

“I do,” a girl voice spoke up. I turned to find Syn’s sister. She took tissue and put water on it. She started cleaning the blood. “I love you as a brother, Zacky.” She went in the cabinet and took out a brown, wide bottle; it was rubbing alcohol.

In the background, I saw Syn and Jimmy. I looked down at the heart mark. “I’m sorry, guys.”

“We’re not mad,” Syn whispers.

Jimmy nodded to that agreement. “I knew it was going to happen. It always happens when your father abuses you. We’ll help you find other ways to cope.”

“We could never be mad at you, Zacky.” McKenna whispers. “You’re such a sweetheart. It’s just…you have fucked up issues, you know? We all do but….sometimes we have issues coping. You are one of the many. But I mean…that’s why you have friends. Without friends, you won’t be surviving right.” I felt pressure on my craved wrist. “That’s why a lot of people are lost in the world. They don’t have support. Just remember you always have us, okay, Zacky?”

I still couldn’t speak. “He’s not being rude,” Syn whispers to her. She nodded and understood.

“I’ll stay with you tonight.” Jimmy said. He came into bed, keeping me in a hug.

I fell into another dreamless dream. Frank, Frankie…I want you. I fucked up…I’m sorry. Aren’t we all fucked ups?