A Beautiful Lie

My heartbeat pounded in my chest. I felt sick to the core after that statement. Fucking my older brother, I was Zacky’s younger brother. He, I didn’t want to believe that at all. I felt sick to my stomach. I headed out the door shorty after Zacky had vanished because of his father, I walked home. Nothing mattered right now, I felt vile and disgusting. I had kissed my brother. My older brother.

Upon getting home to my home, I went upstairs, closed my bedroom door and headed into my bathroom, grabbing the lighter I used for smoking. However the urge to vomit was overwhelming, and before I knew it I had hunched over the toilet, and threw up what was left in my stomach and then dry heaved. While my fingers were still trembling, I took the lighter in my hands, and flicked it to life. I had a fascination with burning myself after I burned my knuckle on accident in my biology class.

The flame didn’t burn my skin at first, I was teasing my skin with the lighter letting it heat the skin, and I felt it become warm and throb, telling me, hey stop it. Not a single noise passes my lips, as the tops of my burn, it leaves the skin pink looking and raw. By the time I move onto my left hand I can feel the burn in my knuckles, and it almost makes me whine. I hear a banging on my door. Jared pushes open the door, his eyes hard, and I scramble in my bathroom to find a pair of gloves to hide my burns.

“Jared what are you doing here?” I said trying to find something for my burns.

“Gerard’s here to he’s waiting in your bedroom.” Jared said to me frowning at me. “Frank what happened to your hand.”

I looked away from Jared’s gaze. “I.. It’s nothing don’t worry about it.” I told him, my voice crackled.

“It’s about Zackary isn’t it?” Jared asked me, grabbing a piece of gauze for my burns and began to wrap them.

“I… How much did you hear?” I asked him.

“I heard his father talking about incest Frank. What did he mean?” Jared asked me straight out.

I froze, not meeting his gaze. “Z…Zackary is my brother.” I I whispered. “He’s my older brother Jared. I kissed my older brother.” I whispered. “I don’t even know if he still loves- fuck I didn’t mean to use that word. I mean it’s wrong loving my own brother!” I said feeling sick to my stomach.

“Frankie don’t you dare get sick. Don’t you dare. I know that look, you want to make yourself sick right now.” Jared says giving me a look, and I see Gerard enter from the corner of my eye.

“Frank you look like hell.” Gerard says to me joining Jared’s side.

“My mother, I need to ask her about Zackary. I need to know the truth.” I can feel the heart- my heart pounding in my ears.

“We’ll be by your side Frank. Come on let’s do it.”

~

My mother was on the phone when we came downstairs. I heard bits of what they were talking about. “I understand, I’ll be at the court date. It’s not a problem; it’s for Zackary’s sake. I always loved him even though I never saw him, and it’s for the better him living with Brian.” My mother Linda didn’t say much more after that. She turned and faced me and she looked concerned. “Frank? What’s wrong darling?”

“Mom, I need to talk to you.” I said, fiddling with my fingers that had gloves over them to cover the burn marks.

“About?” She asked me quietly. I took a seat on the stool near her and Jared watched me wary, his fingers locked with Gerard’s own hand.

“Mom, do I have a brother named Zackary?” I asked her, my eyes looking her right in the eyes.

“Frank how did you”-

“I met him.” I told her.

My mother sighed. “Your father and I divorced when Zacky was very young. He might remember bits but you were far too young to remember him when we divorced. He stayed with his father and I kept you. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I tried to have Zacky but your father wouldn’t let me.” Linda says to me, and I can see Gerard shake his head in disbelief. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

“Mom…I…I…” I chewed on the inside of my lip were my piercing was. “I kissed him. I’m in love with him.” I said, my fingers trembling, my mother walked right up to me and pulled me into a tight hug. I could feel water drip from my eyes and I did cry. I was scared and afraid how she was going to react.

“Frank don’t ever be afraid of how you feel. I raised you better than that. Under these circumstances it doesn’t matter, I don’t care that you love him Frank. You loving Zackary doesn’t change you at all. You never knew it was your brother and what matters to your heart is what is important.” My mother said to me and I hugged her tight.

“Thank you.” I whispered to her quietly. “Mom, I want to tell you something else that Gerard and Jared have both known about.” I told her, my voice shaking a little.

“What sweetheart?” She asked me softly concerned.

“I have an eating disorder.” My voice was death quiet, and I saw Jared fall over onto the floor, and Gerard was surprised I told my mother. “I haven’t eaten right for months; I’ve been eating less and less. Gerard noticed a while ago and Jared found out a few weeks ago, they both try to keep me healthy. I’ve self-harmed too.” I whispered.

“Oh baby.” My mother said pulling me into another tight hug. “I’m glad you told me, but I think it’s better you try to stop, your friends clearly don’t want you to hurt yourself. After this mess is sorted out with your brother, I’ll talk to your doctor about helping you with the eating disorder.” I nodded; I was thankful my mother wanted to help me and didn’t freak out at me.

Jared spoke up at the given moment. “Frank shouldn’t you text Zacky, to check on him?” My mother let go of me from the hug, and began talking to Gerard about the court issue and about meeting up with Zacky’s stepmother.

I grabbed my phone and texted Zack’s phone with a simple : Hey are you okay?

The answer I received back was : If you mean Zacky no. He’s been better.

Who am I talking to? I typed out on my phone.

Bri. Zacky is asleep right now at my apartment. He cut himself earlier over everything…

I froze when reading that text. “Mom, I’m heading to Brian’s house.” I said to my mother, and she seemed to get it from the look on my face something was up. Jared joined me giving me a ride to Brian’s house; I got out of the car, opening the apartment door without asking, not bothering to wait for someone to answer the door.

Brian seemed surprised when I entered, like I was really going to sit around after being texted that. “Frank he’s alright, he’s asleep in my bedroom.” Brian’s eyes looked towards my gloved hands, and he seemed to be thinking. “Frank what happened?” He asked me.

“Brian, there’s nothing wrong.” I told him, he was still staring at my gloved hands.
“You can either tell me or have Zacky wake up and then him ask about it.” I cringed at the mention of that. I really hated Brian sometimes. Sometimes anyway.

“I burned myself okay. That’s it. Now can I just go see Zacky?” I said to him, and he seemed to know what I meant by that and I headed to Zack was after that.

Zacky was indeed asleep. He looked exhausted in his sleep. I could see the faint mark of a broken heart etched into his skin. Oh Zack. I frowned at it. I went over and touched my finger tips to his forehead brushing away the strands of hair from his face. I pressed a kiss to his forehead, and hoped he wouldn’t so anything else that was stupid. Zacky shifted in his sleep moving to the side, his fingers catching on my own hand in his sleep. I kissed his knuckles, before pulling my hand away careful not to disturb him anymore. “I love you, I don’t care that you’re my brother. I still love you.” I whispered, before turning away and heading back home.

Before I left I said to Brian. “Don’t mention my burns to him, and keep him save okay. Even if he is my brother it doesn’t change my feelings for him.”

I just hoped Zackary would be okay in the long run.