Time Will Tell

An arm wraps around my waist and I open my eyes to a pitch black room. I smile when I remember where I am.

I roll over and wrap my arms around Noah’s neck. He’s asleep, but his arms automatically pull me closer. I smile and bury my face in his neck, kissing his shoulder and closing my eyes.

My mom and dad are on a second honeymoon, and Noah said I could stay with him if I wanted to. I haven’t told anyone, though. I would tell Erin, my best friend, that I'm staying all week but Kim can get her to spill all of my secrets too easily.

It shouldn’t bother me, because I totally understand where he’s coming from, but he doesn’t want to have sex with me. He doesn’t want to do anything with me. It’s not like giving him a blowjob is going to get me pregnant! We’ve been together for four months now and I want him so fucking bad. But he turns down all of my advances!

Like tonight Grace is staying with his mom so we could have ‘alone time’ to be a normal teenage couple – his mom even slipped Noah a handful of condoms (not very smoothly might I add – she slid them across the table and said “I assume you’ve learned by now how to use one of these,”) – but we aren’t even having sex!

I tried everything to get him to touch me – I took off my shirt, and then he was supposed to take off my bra, but he didn’t touch or even look at anything but my face. I got his pants off but when he realized where I was going with the evening he did everything in his power to make sure we didn’t go there. Every time my hands slid a little too low on his waist, he grabbed my hands and held them, and every time I pressed my leg between his, he smoothly shifted his position in response. What am I supposed to think?

Why doesn’t he want me?

I pull away from him at the thought and get up from the bed. I sit up and glance at his alarm clock – it’s only one in the morning and I am wide awake. I drank a lot of Starbucks in order to be awake for an evening full of sleeping? What a waste. I can’t go to sleep now, and at the moment I seem to be suffering from restless leg syndrome.

I get up and walk into the living room, fully aware that right now I’m feeling lonely and empty when in the beginning I’d thought that I’d be fooling around with my boyfriend.

I grab my phone from the coffee table and check my messages. Three missed messages from Erin:

How’s it going? Is he as big as you thought?

Classic Erin question.

Hellooooo sweetheart, I hope I’m not interrupting some good old-fashioned fucking, but Reese called me…

You haven’t answered me in three hours, you’d better be having some damned good sex Teagan, because I have something to tell you!

I glance back at Noah’s bedroom door, biting my lip.

I feel a little guilty, but I sneak back in and grab my jeans and t-shirt. I put them back on and write him a quick note.

Hey, baby, if you wake up before I’m back I’ve just gone over to Erin’s for a while – I’ll text you if I decide to crash over there. –Teagan

I grab his jacket from the chair and slide it on before calling Erin and heading outside to my car.

“Hello, baby girl,” Erin’s voice says after the third ring. “How was it? Was it amazing?”

I groan into the phone and start my car. “We didn’t do anything,” I sigh into my cell.

“What do you mean you didn’t do anything?” she gasps. “What happened? Did you chicken out? It’s only normal, you’ve only been seeing him for a few months.”

“No!” I exclaim. “I didn’t chicken out, he didn’t want to!”

“What do you mean he didn’t want to? Has he seen you? If I were a guy I’d be all over that.”

I laugh. “Erin, I tried everything,” I complain. I’m on my way to her place by now. “He never said anything, but he kept pushing me away, trying not to be obvious about it. I mean I understand why he might not want to have sex yet, but what is a hand job going to hurt?”

She sighs. “Men, they’re all just so stupid. But hun, don’t let it get you down. Maybe he has a legit reason. Maybe it was erectile dysfunction.”

I snort. “He’s only twenty.”

“So! Baby, all ages go through it.”

I shake my head. “Erin, why doesn’t he want me? He wouldn’t let me touch him, and he definitely didn’t want to touch me. I’ve never had this problem before.”

“That’s because you’ve always oriented yourself around Reese, who was all over you all the fucking time – and he showed up to my house plastered. He was looking for you, said he went to your house but you weren’t there. I couldn’t understand what exactly he was saying but I think he was horny and wanted to hump you.”

I make a face. “Too bad I didn’t stay home, maybe I could have gotten a little action tonight if I hadn’t spent the night with my boyfriend.”

“Aw, honey, you’ll be okay – I’m sure it’s nothing. I bet we wants you crazy bad.”

“If he did then why did he push me away?”

“I don’t know!” she cries. “I’m not a fucking psychic.”

“It just hurts, Erin.” I say sadly. And it does. It hurts really bad. Reese never once pushed me away, and he never made me take off my own clothes. It was humiliating trying to get him to touch me when that’s obviously not what he wanted.

“I know, honey, I know. But it’ll be alright, I promise. Just don’t think about it.”

“I can’t help it,” I cry, tears falling down my cheeks. “I’m just so embarrassed. I made it super obvious I wanted him, and he rejected me.”

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. Come over and we’ll dissect everything that happened and eat our weight in ice cream and potato chips.”

I pull into her driveway. “I’m here,” I tell her.

“Damn that was fast.”

I can’t help but smile. I hang up and she meets me at the door.

***********

I walk into the apartment and look around. I don’t see Noah and I sigh in relief. I place two Starbucks cups and a bag on his table and realize that my note isn’t there anymore. He’s already been up and noticed I was gone.

I snuggle deeper into his big jacket, suddenly feeling more vulnerable than before and grab our cups and the bag and walk into his bedroom, trying to act like it’s no big deal. He’s lying face down, the sheets tangled around his legs. I smile a little. I set everything back down on his nightstand and crawl into his bed. I run my finger down his back. He groans and turns over, looking up at me sleepily.

“Hey,” I say softly.

He looks at me strangely and props himself up on his elbow. “Where have you been?” he asks.

His tone isn’t accusing, and it isn’t angry, but I can tell there’s something behind it.

“I wasn’t sleepy last night, so I went over to Erin’s.”

“Erin’s?” he asks, like he doesn’t believe me.

“Yeah,” I answer him slowly. “Why?” I demand.

“Jason said Reese was out looking for you, and then in the middle of the night you leave?” he asks. I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I don’t care, because now I’m ten times more hurt than I already was from last night.

I shake my head at him, angry. “You think I was with Reese?” I demand.

“Where else would you have been?” he asks.

I feel like I’ve just been slapped. I also feel like I’m seconds away from breaking down and crying. He doesn’t want to touch me, he doesn’t trust me, so what kind of relationship is this? Is it even a relationship, or is it just babysitting with(out) benefits?

“I was at Erin’s, just like I said I was.” I answer him, deflated.

“Why the hell would you go to Erin’s in the middle of the night? I’m not stupid, Teagan. If you were with Reese, just tell me you were with Reese!” he shouts, pissed.

I stand up and take a step away from the bed. My hand grips the cup I put on his night stand. “Gah, I thought you were different! And no, you’re not stupid. I’m stupid for ever having thought you were anything more than a jerk!” I shout, pouring the coffee over his head and then storming out of his apartment.

I get to my car, realize I still have his jacket on, throw it on the ground, and then go home and cry so hard I can’t breathe.