But I'm a Guitarist!

Step One: Admitting your sexuality

I felt like I did the day before at my ‘Intervention’, only this time I was in a classroom. I was sat in a chair, many others sitting around me, including Ms. Mackenzie. Eric finished my tour just in time for Gender Re-assignment. Apparently everyone arrived two days before me, so for them Step One was complete. Me on the other hand, I had to admit that I’m a homosexual. What am I going to do? I can’t just lie to a room full of gay people staring at me.

“Now Frank,” Ms. Mackenzie addressed me, clipboard in hand. “Step one to recovering from a problem is to admit you have a problem.”

“Umm, okay?” I said unsurely. What did she want me to say?

“You know what?” She said as if she had some sudden brilliant idea. “Why don’t we go around in a circle, introduce ourselves and show Frank how easy it can be.”

I looked back at all the less than enthused faces. There were 5 girls and 4 other guys. I wonder if they do it on purpose. Eric says there are more people here, that’s for sure, but I wonder if we’re just assigned to Ms. Mackenzie, randomly chosen to be in her care.

“Eric, why don’t you go first,” Eric snapped out of the trance that everyone seemed to be in.

He shot Ms. Mackenzie a look of death but continued, “I’m-“

She cut him off, “Come on, be a gentlemen and stand up.”

He sighed loud enough to be heard on the opposite side of the room, probably even out the door. “I’m Eric, I like surfing and I’m a homosexual.”

It came out so nonchalant and he sat back down and went back to picking on his nails.

“Next?”

“Umm, I’m Rod,” a gangly looking guy stood up, pushing his glasses up his nose, it was hard to believe he was still a teenager. He had brown hair, fluffy. It reminded me of the unicorn in my dresser drawer. “I like math and uh, I’m a homosexual.”

He sat down and the next stood up. I was suddenly getting nervous, Gerard was the last guy in the row.

“Hi, I’m Daniel,” I think Daniel was the least gay looking except the fact that his clothes, like Eric, we’re neatly ironed and he took good care of himself. “I like going to the beach,” his eyes moved to Erics then they both looked away. “And I’m a homosexual.”

He sat down and I was so damn nervous that I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I started sweating and my heart was beating fast, as if the next thing he said would seal my fate. My breathing felt like it was stuck in my throat as I waited for a word, any word.

“We met,” was all he said while looking to the floor, but at least now I could breath.

“Gerard,” his gaze shot up when Ms. Mackenzie scolded him. She gave him a look instead of using words.

Gerard sighed very much like Eric. “I’m Gerard,” his eyes finally met mine and suddenly I had troubles breathing again. “I like dick.” He went to sit back down but Ms. Mackenzie cleared her throat and he straightened again. “And I’m a homosexual.”

After his butt hit the seat he muttered, “obviously.” And he went back to staring at the floor.

All I could do was stare. That wasn’t so bad was it?

“Umm, I’m Jasmine,” a peitie girl stood up, moving her short brown hair out of her eye. “I like music and I’m a homosexual.”

She sat down, smoothing her skirt out as she did so.

“Carla,” the next girl stood up, her curly hair bounced. Curly Carla. We went through the rest of my ‘peers’ until finally it was down to me.

“See how easy it can be, Frank?” she asked me as if she was my best fucking friend. I started getting nervous again. What do I say?! “Why don’t you start by telling us the first time you realized you might be gay?”

Huh?

“Umm, I’m not,” I said looking at Ms. Mackenzie. I couldn’t face anyone else. “Everyone just thinks I am… I shouldn’t even be here.”

There was a short pause before anyone spoke, “That’s a perfectly fine place to start, Frank. Why don’t we discuss the issues in your intervention.”

I thought for a moment, trying to find the least threatening place to start. “I’m a vegetarian.”

Mhmm’s could be found floating around the room from various people so I found another non-threatening thing to bring up. “I have pictures of guys in my room.”

Before anyone can say anything Eric spoke up. “And you think that’s normal?”

I sat there in silence for a minute. “I guess I never really thought about it…”

Ms. Mackenzie decided to drag me out of my hole. “And you have a girlfriend, correct?”

I smiled, thinking about home, normalcy, and just said “Yeah,” and then I frowned remembering the last time I saw her. “I mean, no, not anymore.”

“Why don’t you tell me about that?” What does she want to know? How we never fucked? How her lips felt weird against mine? How I’ve never really been emotionally attached to anyone or anything beside my guitar?

“Umm we went out for 5 months,” I started.

“”Have you ever fucked?” one of the girls asked. I think her name was Melissa.

“No,” I said, a little offended. “It’s not like that with her, she doesn’t even like to hold hands.” At least that was partly true, she didn’t really care for public affection.

“It’s really easy to keep your hands off of her when you’re not attracted to her,” Another girl spoke up. “Isn’t it?”

“She’s very,” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “cute”

“But does she make you hot?” Melissa interjected again. “Do you think of her at night when you, you know.”

“Look, I don’t know what your problem is,” my voice was starting to rise. “I go to school, I get decent grades, I have friends. I’m a guitarist!”

Everyone just kind of looked at me. “Come on, everyone has band posters on the wall and-“

“But,” Gerard was finally involved in this conversation, which made me both happy, and sick to my stomach. “You only assume that everyone else thinks the same thing you do when you look at posters of guys like Geoff Rickly”

I thought back to the other day, Todd was pointing out how weird it was that I looked at a picture of Billie Joe Armstrong nearly every day. Or the make-up and my pink belt. How Todd didn’t like hugs. I haven’t seen two males hug since middle school, so maybe it was just me. I didn’t like meat, let alone want to eat it. Why was it so weird to everyone else? Maybe it isn’t everyone else. Maybe it’s me.

Suddenly the room seemed to spin out of control as reality struck me.

Oh shit.