Fearful

This is not what I wanted. No, I never wanted this to happen. It was just one moment of weakness. I tried. Doesn’t that matter at all? I tried to change it, but failed so miserably. I suppose it’s good that he’s gone. I feel so empty but at least he won’t suffer with me. He’s better off now, and can find someone new. Warren and I were a dream but I knew it was too good to be true.

We were coming up on our fifth month anniversary, but I knew already we wouldn’t really do anything special. He always seemed to look at more the bigger anniversaries such six months or a year. But I celebrated each month silently to myself just so happy for the time we had. I was getting ready for school doing the usual. As I headed out the door I quickly grabbed my phone and Ipod. I had one message from the only person I never got tired of hearing from, Warren. Sadly it was one of those messages that I just dealt with because it was never a big deal.

‘Hey babe cnt txt 2day. Im sorry txt u soon as I can though.’ I just smiled loving when he called me babe. I couldn’t help it. He was so amazing while I was just…me. I never understood what had made him want to be with me. I shrugged it off knowing I should just be happy I had him in my life. Or at least I did but I didn’t know that yet. That day everything ended up wrong. I was failing half of my classes for the first time in my life. My father, who had caused me so much pain over the years, was there waiting to see me when I got home. When he left I felt my heart bleed from being stabbed repeatedly by his words. As the day went by to nightfall my grandfather was taken to the hospital he had had a heart attack. I felt as if I was being eaten alive by my feelings of sadness and emptiness.

I was crying in my room my cries echoing off the walls. I feared any minute I would be swallowed in the darkness of my room and soul. The house was empty no one could hear or see my tears. I texted Warren but received no reply, and my best friend Avril wouldn’t answer my calls. I could find no comfort for this agonizing torture, not even in my music. I wanted out. I wanted release. I wanted to regain some type of control. I wanted relief. Then as if entranced by some unknown force I walked to my closet till my hand grasped a little box.

I pulled it out and looked inside at the wrapped object. It was an old friend of mine, the kind of friend you let got of because of how badly they influence your life, which still shined as it did the first day I used it so very long ago. My razor blade.

I stared at it thoughtfully knowing that what I choose now would have consequences. Momentarily relief could equal more pain, especially if Warren and Avril found out. . I wasn’t even supposed to have this one. My mind started to buzz with possible outcomes and loss. Then it went blank as I heard my mother knock on the door and told me my grandfather didn’t make it.

My loving grandpa was now gone from the world, my world. Without another thought I dragged the blade across my knee. I soon saw the old familiar red line and the sight of relief. I knew to get the relief I wanted I needed to go deeper that I had ever done before. I winced at the pain loosing count at how many marks were made on both of my knees.

I felt my eyes tearing as I realized what I had just done. I put away the razor blade wanting to pretend as if it never happened but the blood and marks told a different story. It hurt to move my legs as I now feared my morning. I feared it with every good intention because that morning destroyed me.

Sadly enough the morning did come as I tried to ignore the daylight. I didn’t want to move but I knew that if I didn’t it would cause suspicion. I moved my legs and I could feel a dulling ache on my knees as I moved slightly. I found my loose pants to keep them from squeezing the cuts too tightly. I was trying to calm down and pull myself together. Suddenly I was startled by the knock on my bedroom door.

“June, can I come in?” softly asked the voice that knew me so well.

I didn’t answer not trusting my voice, but merely took a deep breath heading for my door. Only slightly did I hesitate until I focused and opened the door. In front of me was Warren he looked worried already but was too scared to face him in the eyes. Afraid he’d see the guilt in me for what I had done. Silently we stood for what felt like minutes long but were merely seconds. Then I felt myself being wrapped into his arms. Usually feeling nothing but joy and comfort in his embrace. I now felt shame and guilt knowing when or if he found out he would be so disappointed and angry. I had been so stupid to have let it happen.

Seeming to notice my inner discomfort he pulled me back at arms length to look at me. He reached out a hand to my cheek brushing away some tears realizing I had been crying. Smiling sadly at my expression before saying, “Babe I’m so sorry about your grandpa I should have been here. I came as soon as I could. I know you loved him so much but you know it’s going to be ok. I’m still here.”

My grandpa, would he be disgusted with me for what I had done? For giving into this horrible weakness that I had fooled myself into believing I was free from. I was crying in self hatred but Warren couldn’t realize that as I began to shake with sobs nearly falling backwards at my sudden outburst. He got a hold of me before I went to far back leading me to lower myself onto the bed as he held me while I cried. He was proving once again how I didn’t deserve him. How unworthy I felt to be with him.

He suddenly let his hand fall on my knee and I flinched back in a small stab of pain followed by a small squeak. He seemed caught off guard and looked at me afraid he had accidentally hurt me waiting for an answer or some kind of explanation for what had just happened.

“I just have a bruise there I think. It’s nothing to worry about. I guess I just forgot about it.” I tried to lie. I’m a horrible liar at times, but I was hoping I could pull it off this time.

“How did you get it?” he questioned as if already knowing my lies.

“I don’t remember.” I claimed horribly. I should have known not to lie, Warren always had knack for seeing right through me.

“You’re lying June. Why?” he questioned seriously.

“I…it’s nothing” I answered looking down knowing this would end badly.

“It’s obviously not nothing if you’re in pain. Why are you lying?” he was pleading me for an answer that I was to scared to give.

Suddenly he moved from me as I noticed how my arms instinctively attempted to cover my knees through my jeans. Next I felt my pants legs being lifted but I couldn’t stop him in time. My soon to be scars were exposed and I was caught. Reacting instinctively I removed my legs from his grasp as if it was fire and fixed my jeans. I turned to him exclaiming, “How could you do that? What the hell!”

Taken back at first till he regained footing to reply, “How could I do that? What about what you did? You were covering your knees and I was afraid of why. You told me you stopped.”

“I did stop. Its just last night…… I don’t know what happen.”

“How could you not know what happened? You must have somehow decided what you did. After all this time why did you go back to this?”

“I didn’t plan this ok? I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know what else to do! How about call me or Avril or any of your other friends? DIDN’T YOU THINK OF THAT!”

“I tried calling Avril because I know she’s one of the few who understand but she didn’t answer. Then my mom told me about grandpa and next thing I know I’m making my first cut.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I texted you but you didn’t answer. I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME.”

“You should have called. I never got the text. Did you see how deep you cut yourself? JUNE WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING.”

“I was thinking that yesterday was the worst day I had ever had. I’m failing my classes. I saw my dad yesterday who just turned things on me again, and then a few hours later my grandpa had a heart attack. HE’S DEAD NOW! HE’S GONE, THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME IN THIS HOUSE. HE PROMISED HE WOULD BE THERE FOR MY GRADUATION. He promised and I was here trying to handle it on my own. I couldn’t do it so I’m sorry.”

“I just don’t get it how after all this time you could let yourself fall back into it so easily. I just don’t get it June.”

“It wasn’t easy you know it’s something I was working against. Everyone has their moments of weakness that they have to figure out how to over come.”

“So why didn’t you? You could have tried calling again or something.”

“DAMN IT I SAID I WAS SORRY. DON’T YOU THINK THAT I HATE THAT I LET THIS HAPPEN. That I let myself down and the two people who mean the most to me down as well. I didn’t want this to happen. I just know I have to be stronger next time. It’s not something I can just move passed. I told you this is something I’m taking day by day.”

“Next time……how many times have there been before this?”

“That I’ve relapsed to cutting once before this a little over a year ago. Moments of weakness? I don’t know how many. They just happen.”

“And you never told me. Don’t you think this is something I should have known? ARE YOU HIDING ANYTHING ELSE?”

“NO! YOU KNOW I’VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU THE TRUTH. How could you even think that? I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think that on every bad day I could possibly go back. I didn’t want you to be too worried.”

“I just don’t know……”

“Don’t know what? I’ve never lied to you. The only time I’ve tried was today because I was afraid to tell you the truth.”

“Still I just never though about all these things. I think we should take a break…for awhile.”

“You’re breaking up with me?”

“Yeah I suppose I am. I guess I never thought there was all this other stuff to it and it’s making me rethink and question some things.”

“Fine Warren…. Have it your way.”

“I’m sorry it’s just what you did threw a lot of what I felt off.”

“WHAT I DID! So you’re blaming me for this. It’s my fault. That just figures. Just leave please…”

“I’m just…”

“I SAID GET OUT!” I finally yelled breaking into tears as he walked out without a glance back.

He was gone. He didn’t care and left me to cry on my own. I knew I shouldn’t have told him anything. I opened my heart up completely and he willingly shattered it, but I forced his hand. I cried feeling my walls close in. they were yelling that it was my fault. It’s always my fault. Avril had ne veer called me back. Then I heard my ringer go off. She had sent me a text. Warren just called her and told her everything. She said she was sorry but she was afraid I had finally gone over the edge. She didn’t want to watch me kill myself. I just told her she could do what she wanted. If she didn’t want to help me this time and she was sick of being there it was fine. I guess so much for sisters and always being there.

Now I lost the two people who meant the most to me, lost the only family member who cared, and I was alone. I don’t know how long I’ve laid here but time doesn’t matter. My worlds shattered and I’m lost in the rubble.