Aphephobia

I can't remember a time when I was able to be touched without having panic attacks. For me it had always been that way. Physical touch had always bothered me greatly. So much so that I had been forced see a therapist and consequently diagnosed with an extreme case of aphephobia.

Aphephobia is simply the fear of being touched. Sometimes it comes from some sort of traumatic experience but there are rare cases, such as mine, that occur with seemingly no trigger. The person just simply cannot stand being touched. In these instances no real solution could be found to get rid of the phobia. It was just something you learned to live with.

Where did this leave me? This left me a twenty year old hermit who was run by his insane fear of human touch. A fear that lead to many other fears, but those aren't important. What is important is that my name is Robert, I'm twenty years old, and I'm terrified of any form of physical contact.

"Robby, you have to get out of that apartment." my sister sighed, beginning our weekly argument. "How about you meet me for lunch?"

I groaned as I began pacing the living room of my spacious apartment. This happened at least once every week. She knew how much I hated going out, hated risking even the slightest possibility of unwanted contact, yet she still insisted on trying to get me to go out there. Thankfully though, I was able to avoid going out by convincing her to meet me for lunch at the apartment.

"Lace, are you sure you can't meet me here? I'm not really feeling all that well." I asked quietly, trying my hardest to refrain from whining, as I continued padding around different areas of my home.

Instantly Lacey sighed loudly over the phone causing me to visualize her pinching the bridge of her nose while clenching her jaw and closing her eyes."Rob, that's bullshit and you know it" she all but growled, irritation laced in her words. "It's time you got over this thing. Seriously Robby. It's time to help yourself."

Her words did hit home and I tried my hardest to ignore them like I did every day but today I couldn't. Truthfully I was growing tired of the lifestyle I led. I was ready for a change, even if I wasn't willing to accept it.

"Robby, look, it's a small hole in the wall. There's hardly any people there at any time and I really think you'll like it. Just, please..." her voice cracked as she finished speaking, signaling that she really was desperate and possibly ready to cry.

It was that moment when I cracked, my resolute resolve breaking, and told her I would meet her at whatever place she wanted. Naturally that improved her mood instantly. As soon as the words passed my lips Lacey was laughing and talking with an enthusiasm I had never seen or heard in her. It was a nice and pleasant change.

Not bothering with attempting to go out of my way with my appearance, I quickly made my way to the diner Lacey gave me directions to. It wasn't very far from my apartment, which was a very nice surprise.

Lacey hadn't lied when she said it was a hole in the wall place. Not once had I ever seen this place on the rare occasion I actually went out. In fact it was a place that you had to be looking for this place to know where it is. It was absolutely perfect.

When I spotted Lacey sitting at one of the more secluded booths, a gigantic smile made it's way onto my face. Despite the fact I often argued with Lacey, I dislike the fact that we rarely saw each other. I missed my little sister.

She smiled slightly as I slid into the seat opposite her before sliding a menu over to me. All of her movements were controlled and seemed more than a little forced. I hated seeing her act like this but she felt she had to so as to avoid any kind of 'scene' from me.

"How've you been Lace? Still with that Russian guy?" I asked, partly interest partly wanting to make some kind of conversation.

At the mention of her most current boyfriend my baby sister blushed a deep scarlet. Whatever they had was still going very well. A fact that made me extremely happy. Seeing Lacey upset was absolutely terrible. Especially when you know there isn't really anything you can do to comfort her.

"His name is Gavril, Robby. And yes I'm still with him" she smiled, her eyes focusing on her left hand where an ornate ring was placed delicately on her ring finger."He asked me to marry him and I said yes."

As the words left her mouth I once again broke out in an enormous grin. My baby sister was getting married. This was a huge deal. A little unexpected but it was still beyond amazing.

"Lacey, that's amazing!" I exclaimed through a whisper, trying my hardest to contain my excitement in the tiny restaurant. "When's the wedding?"

Before she had a chance to answer our waiter approached us. He was the definition of gorgeous. He had to be taller than I was, at least six foot, and was very lean. He had some muscle but just the right amount. He was toned. His dirty blonde hair fell into his eyes, almost completely obscuring them, but didn't look overly messy. He was entirely too good looking for his own good.

"Hi, my names Cillian, and I'll be your waiter for the afternoon" he smiled as he greeted us, his eyes locking with my own. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

His eyes didn't leave mine as we ordered our drinks. His gaze was intense and there was a flirty smile on his face the entire time he spoke. It was unnerving yet at the same time so enticing.

"Okay, if that wasn't flirting then the world must be ending" Lacey chuckled, her voice causing me to look at her rather than the cute waiter's swaying hips.

I felt my cheeks flush at my sister's comment. Whatever had just occurred with our waiter could't possibly be classified as flirting. If anything it was merely intense eye contact. Flirting wasn't something I knew how to do, at all. It was a foreign concept.

"You're crazy Lace" I laughed, glancing down at my folded hands on the table. "It wouldn't work anyways. I'm a freak."

Lacey scoffed at my last sentence as it passed my lips. She absolutely hated hearing that term. In her vast vocabulary it was the only 'bad word'. For anyone to say that word about anyone irritated her greatly and could put her on a war path in seconds. However, her extreme dislike for the word didn't make it less true.

"You know I hate that word" she sighed, her fingers rubbing small and precise circles into her temples. "You aren't a freak. You're just unique."

I chuckled at her choice of words before quickly turning my head at the heavy footsteps of our waiter. Once again his eyes locked on mine and a small smile formed on his lips.

The rest of our lunch went very smoothly. Lacey continuously poked fun at the 'flirtation' going on between Cillian and I. At one point she had even asked if he thought I was attractive. The question left him a blushing, stuttering mess. It was certainly cute and I'm pretty sure he had even said yes.

By the time we had finished our meal Lacey had successfully turned both mine and Cillian's faces a bright red. If her missions had been to embarrass me in front of a hot stranger than she certainly exceeded. The only bad thing that happened was the small panic attack I had when Chase attempted to slip a small piece of paper in my hand. Quickly realizing what was about to happen Lacey grabbed the paper from him, whispering something to him, as she managed to usher me out of the small building without further upsetting me.

~

A few days later, after countless hours or moping around my apartment and just generally sulking, I decided to look at the piece of paper Lacey had left by my phone. Normally I would have thrown it out without thinking twice about it but this time I found that I couldn't. I was too curious.

Naturally that small piece of paper held a phone number along with a request to 'get to know me'. I didn't know exactly how to react to the little note. Most normal people would be over the moon about this. An incredibly attractive guy wanting to get to know them better, what more could you ask for? But me? I was so confused as to what to do it wasn't funny. There were so many things to take into consideration. The thought alone was enough to send me into a panic attack.

Sadly a few more days passed before I finally decided what I was going to do. With shaky hands I attempted to dial the phone number from the piece of paper multiple times. After possibly the longest time typing in wrong numbers, I finally got the number right purely out of frustration.

Waiting for him to pick up the phone was agonizing. Time seemed to drag on at an agonizingly slow pace as I listened to the phone ring. One, two, three times. I was seriously ready to give up on calling him when he answered the phone with a breathy 'hello'.

"Um, Cillian?" I asked quietly, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Hey, Robby right? You're sister gave me your number but said I should let you call me first" he explained quickly, his words rushed even though he seemed to be smiling through it all. "How are you? Last time, and only time I saw you actually, you looked really out of it."

I frowned when he brought up what had happened that day but quickly shook the thought from my head. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine" I chuckled nervously. "I don't even remember why I freaked out like that."

Cillian seemed completely oblivious to my nervous behavior and chuckled cutely at my statement. "Well, I'm glad you're alright. I was pretty worried."

I smiled at his concern and couldn't stop the small blush that crept it's way onto my face. No one other than my mom and sister had ever shown any amount of concern when I had panic attacks around them. They just let the freak be. It was easier than trying to figure out how to deal with the kid who couldn't stand to be touched.

"Robby, are you still there?" Cillian asked, concern laced in his words. "I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch together today."

At his question my breath hitched and I could actually feel the 'no' forming on my tongue. But then it was gone and I heard myself nervously agreeing. Despite growing up with hardly any social interaction, I wanted to hang out with him. I think I liked being around him.

Twenty minutes later I was anxiously waiting for Cillian to get to the small restaurant. Of course he showed up on time while I had been about ten minutes early. Thankfully, though, he didn't attempt to touch me as he greeted me.

"I was kinda worried you weren't gonna show up" Cillian chuckled as he sat down across from me, nervously playing with the salt and pepper shakers.

The grimace that appeared wasn't unstoppable as his words sunk in. The way he said it made it seem like he would have been disappointed if I had stood him up. Just imagining him feeling like that hurt.

"But I'm really glad you did come" He covered quickly, a wide smile taking over his facial features.

"I'm glad I did too" I smiled back, trying my hardest not to blush too much. "I've never really done this... with anyone. So I'm really sorry if I'm more than a little awkward."

He chuckled at my statement as he shook his head before launching into a story about one of his first 'dates' with some girl before he discovered he preferred the company of guys, not girls.

The story was incredibly funny, even though he insisted I needed to stop laughing at his embarrassment, and had me sharing 'embarrassing' stories of my own. The entire conversation was easy and not forced at all. It was so different from what I had thought it would be.

"I still can't believe you told a teacher that" I laughed as Cillian finished a story about how he got a detention for telling off a teacher.

"Well, she deserved it. Annoying old shrew" he muttered through a lauhg. "Besides I was a cheeky teenager."

I laughed as he beamed at me, his pearly white teeth peaking out from behind his lips. "Don't you have to go to work soon?"

At my words his smile faltered slightly before it came back and he shook his. "I called out right before you called. I had a good feeling about today" he answered. "Plus I was kind of wondering if you wanted to continue our date with a walk around the park?"

My own smile grew as he spoke and I quickly nodded my head, taking out a few twenty dollar bills and laying them on the table. As we got up Cillian moved to grab my small hand in his larger on and I immediately moved away from him. However, instead of him looking at me like I was some sort of freak and had hurt his feelings, he was chuckling.

"What?" I asked, my curiosity seeping into my tone and facial expression as he simply continued laughing at my previous action.

"Robby, your sister told me about you not liking being touched. In fact she warned me about it" he answered once he had calmed down. "And I may or may not have done a little research on it. You weren't paying attention but I brushed against your arm at least ten times and was playing with your fingers the entire time."

I could feel a panic attack beginning to start as what he said was being processed. For eighteen years I hadn't allowed anyone to touch me and then out of no where Cillian shows up and he's able to do something no on has been able to? It was horrifying and had me on my knees with my head in my hands in an instant.

Cillian quietly called my name in an attempt to get my attention before his hand was in front of my face. It took a few minutes for me to look up from the ground but when I did I wasn't exactly expecting what I saw.

Cillian's hand had three small, yet huge, words written on his palm. "Your hand here" was splayed on his palm in bold black letters. A simple request, yet I wasn't sure I' be able to do it.

"You can let go as soon as you're on your feet" Cillian whispered softly, his tone comforting and patient. "Whenever you're ready."

I sniffled as tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I couldn't do this. I couldn't touch him. Yet I already had, even if it was unknowingly. Plus he said it was only til I got up from the floor. I wouldn't have to continue holding his hand. Not if I didn't want to.

A few more minutes passed in silence while I debated what I was going to do. After awhile I heard him sigh. He sounded defeated. Like he was giving up. That's when I made my decision.

His hand was moving away from my line of vision as I grabbed it, clutching it in my smaller hand. A surprised gasp passed through Cillian's lips before a warm smile took residence over his facial features. It was a smile that grew as I stood up and didn't release my hold.

"It's not going to be easy is it?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly as we began walking out of the small restaurant.

"Not at all" he replied quickly. "But I'll be here to help you. It's safe to say you're stuck with me Robby."

I smiled at his statement and nodded to myself. I had a very good feeling that I wouldn't mind being stuck with Cillian. He was going to help me beat this disease. He was going to help me save myself. I had a gut feeling about it.