Better Than Revenge

I heard the thunder and decided to sit outside, under the shelter of my porch. There’s nothing more that I love than watching a thunderstorm while wearing a big sweatshirt and rocking in a chair on my porch with a brand new notebook for doodling. It's the only thing that puts me in a better mood so easily.

I usually just end up making rows of swirls or zig zags, but it never fails to take my mind off of things. It's been almost two weeks. Things have been slowly returning back to normal, but it's not perfectly mended yet.

I've seen Seth a few times. Our relationship is decent, but it isn't the same. It isn't as effortless. We need to be cautious with everything we say to each other. But overall, we're okay.

The thunder was louder, closer. It hadn’t started to rain yet. I’d finished around 5 rows of swirls when a certain someone found my door.

He walked up my driveway with his head down, and kept it that way until he stepped onto my porch. He was trying not to squeeze the life from the bold, perfect sunflower encased in his hands.

I watched him, realizing that he had no idea I was sitting right in front of him.

He reached to knock on the door, but dropped his hand and sighed, turning directly towards me. I expected him to see me now, but his eyes were closed.

They opened after a few seconds and he stumbled back, obviously startled. “Jeez…What are you doing?”

I looked down at my notebook and looked back up at him. “Sitting.”

“It’s going to rain any second.”

“I know.”

I totally threw him off. He had a plan, all set out and timed perfectly. But I just threw him a curveball. “So, how are you?” He cleared his throat.

“I’m okay right now.” I answered. “You?”

“I’m okay.” He shrugged.

I eyed the sunflower.

“Oh!” He noticed it as well, stumbling over his words as he stepped closer. “I brought this for you.”

He handed it to me and I couldn’t help but smile. “Sunflowers are my favorite.”

“I know.”

I did my best to redirect my smile to him. “Thank you.”

His smile was tiny, and his cheeks blushed pink.

“How did you know these were my favorite?” I brushed my fingers across the brilliant yellow petals.

“Lucky guess, I guess.” He said it cooly, but realized that the pairings of words sounded weird after he’d said them.

After smiling to my sunflower some more, I noticed his awkward standing. “You can sit down,” I said, gesturing to the other rocking chair.

He was still uncomfortable. I could tell by the way he gripped the edge of the chair’s arms, gentle but tense.

I was still fascinated by the flower.

“I heard that you get the stitches out tomorrow,” He mentioned. “I thought that a sunflower might make you feel better.”

“Where did you find it? It’s so pretty.”

“It’s a secret.”

I rolled my eyes to myself. My heart started to feel warm and mushy, like it was melting. It hasn’t done that in a while.

He seemed pleased by my smirk, and it gave him courage. “Val?”

“Hmm?”

He changed what he was about to say right before he said it. “I never really apologized..." His sentence didn't have a definite end to it.

I wanted to tell him it was fine, but it wasn't fine, and we both knew that.

I heard the fat raindrops begin to drop on the roof of my porch.

“Do you hate me?”

I picked up the sunflower again and played around with it. “Seth, I don’t hate you.”

“Then why haven’t you been around?”

I shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I just haven't been thinking about it." He already knew that the whole concept of tearing apart another being traumatized me. Jacob told him a while ago. He has to realize it's not the first thing I'd spend time thinking about on a daily basis.

“Do you think I wanted you to see that?” He was so off.

“Absolutely not." I promised. "That’s not what I’m saying at all.”

“Then what is it?”

My throat became tight. “Seth, we can't talk to eachother anymore! Not the same way we used to. It's like you don't understand me anymore.” I was about to cry. AGAIN. I turned my face away so he wouldn’t see.

I heard his body shift as he leaned forward and covered his face with his hands.

I couldn’t figure out what happened to us. We’ve grown up, been through more than any normal couple our age. It was Elena who had torn us apart, but I thought we’d find a way to patch it up again, especially if I am who he thinks I am.

“We disagree, it seems like every time we speak now. We shouldn’t be against each other, Seth.” I pulled the sleeve of my sweatshirt over my hand and wiped my eyes.

“People disagree all the time. It’s normal.” He muttered.

“We aren’t normal.” I reminded him. “We can’t have a simple conversation like we used to. Why?”

We were unmoving for a while, before Seth stood up. I thought he was leaving, and more rain drops pelted the roof.

I hesitated before slowly rising to my feet to head inside.

He came closer to me. “I want you to know something. Something you should already know, but for whatever reason you don’t understand…”

I waited.

“No matter how many times you yelled at me, or whatever happened to us, I never stopped caring for you the way I do.”

“You can’t love me every second of every day. I’m annoying. Like right now you’re going to yell at me because I’m not listening to you, but I am listening, even though you think I’m not.”

His features flashed a quick turn towards annoyed, but he corrected himself. I noticed before he did.

“It’s no use.” My voice shook. “We’ve changed. You’re the only one who isn’t seeing that. It can’t be the same again. Just accept it.”

“Is that what you think?” He raised his voice, and it scared me. “You think that it’s no use? No use in any of it?”

“I don’t think the ‘it’ that we want exists anymore.”

I sounded so dark, depressing. It didn’t phase me.

He soaked in what I’d said, but shook his head anyway. “You’re lying to yourself. Why are you lying? I’m here now. What are you trying to protect yourself from?”

“Seth, it won’t work!”

“How do you know that?”

“Because we’re fighting again!”

A crackling rumble of thunder drowned me out, but I knew he heard me. 

"Do you want me to leave you alone? Cause I will."

I couldn't get any words past my throat.

"I'll leave you alone, Val. All you have to do is tell me. I'm not gonna waste your time."

It wasn't a waste. I couldn't believe he thought that. I still said nothing. 

He gave up with a frustrated sigh. "Fine. I'll see you later."

"Seth, wait." I shouted, even though he was right in front of me. I lowered my voice instantly. "Carlisle's coming here to take out my stitches. My mom has work, so she won't be home with me..." I allowed him to put the pieces together.

He pretended that he didn't catch on.

I sighed. "Do you think you could come?"

Seth dropped his eyes, playing in the dirt with his shoe.

"I mean, I guess I could ask Jacob if you don't want to." I didn't know if that was a fair joke.

He almost managed to smile at me. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

I nodded.

He ducked out from under my porch and started jogging in the rain as if it were a bright and sunny day.