What Happens on Tour Stays on Tour

And just like that, Panic! was back in Los Angeles. Brendon was back in Los Angeles. I couldn't have been more happy. The thought made me smile. As soon as I figured which venue to go to and what time, I got ready to see him. Honestly after all this time, it surprised me that he still loved me as much as I loved him. It wasn't like a date or anything, I was just going to say hi. There was no need to be fancy or anything, so I just put on a plain t-shirt and jeans. As soon as I got on some shoes, I quickly texted Brendon
"Hey I'm so excited to see you today. I'll be there in a bit to say hello."
And just like that, I sent it. I bet when he gets the message he'll smile. I could just imagine it.
After the less than ten seconds I spent combing my hair I hopped in my car to the venue. Honestly it hadn't even been that long since the last time I saw him, but I still missed him dearly. He was my everything and I'm glad he changed at least a little bit after I saw him when he was.... god.... I didn't even want to think about it. At least he ended that. In those moments of watching him just kissing another guy, I swore I would never forgive him. Damn his charm, but it wasn't that. I knew it was so much more when he kissed me so willingly like that. I bet that after he realized I wanted him, it wasn't that forgiveness he begged for, it was my love. Just the thought made a chill run up my spine. God, I loved him, and I wouldn't stop, even if we end up far apart for a while. I just know he would never forget what we have, what we will always have. All I know is I'm probably the one who would never let him go.
As soon as I arrived at the venue, I parked in a reasonable place. I found it most convenient that their concert was yesterday and they were just sticking around a little bit today. I found it perfect that the hotel was right by the venue. As I got out I could see someone standing off to the side at the front of the venue. As I walked closer... I knew who it was. Oh how romantic it would be if I ran to him and leap into his arms. Yeah, that's no way to keep cool, Ross. I picked up the pace on my way over to him. With his face becoming more clearer every second, a giant smile ran across my face. I kept on walking as I spread my arms out and soon enough wrapped them around Brendon.
"Hey Bren, I missed you." I said before backing out of the hug. I found it funny though, he didn't really hug me back. Come to think he hasn't really smiled at my presence. Maybe he was tired.
"Uh, missed you too." He said, not even attempting to look into my eyes as he put on an attempted smile.
"Hm." I slightly sighed. Maybe he was tired, but it had to have been something else. He wasn't even looking into my eyes.
"I love you." I got out. I was so sure that would change his mood a little bit. It had been a few moments, he looked back up into my eyes, his attempted smile faded. He... he didn't say anything back.
"Bren, are you okay?" I slowly walked back up to him and ran my fingers through his hair. As I did, he grabbed my wrist and threw my hand down. What the hell was his problem?
"Bren, what was that?"
"Get out of my space." His words, they hit me like a bullet. What.... was.... this?
"Hey." I tried to go back in again, but this time he pushed me back. My heart.... it was getting bruised. But... but he loved me.
"Don't touch me." His voice rose.
I didn't want to cry, but I didn't understand. The way he rose his voice at me.
"What's your problem?" My voice rose as well.
"Ryan, we can't do this anymore. I'm engaged."
Engaged.... how could he?
"To Sarah huh? What do you think you're doing? Just because we aren't going to see each other for a while doesn't mean-"
"I love her okay? I want to spend the rest of my life with her! She's my everything, not you Ryan..."
"You're just trying to hide your feelings..." My thoughts speaking out loud.
"You don't know anything about me anymore. You don't know how I feel for Sarah."
"And what about Dallon, huh? I bet you're still fucking around with him!" I spat.
"You don't know what I'm doing with Dallon. You shouldn't even care."
I froze. No.... no.... I wasn't stupid. His lips were red, and I don't even want to think about that mark on his neck.
"Brendon how could you? Dallon and Sarah? You're trying to hide your feelings for me. I'm not stupid, you still love me. Give up this act."
"I'm not acting Ryan, I don't want you anymore. I don't love you anymore."
"You're lying. You have to be." And just like that I pressed my lips hard to his. Another gun shot to my chest as he pushed me harder than before.
"Get out, Ryan."
"Brendon, stop please."
"Leave!"
I looked in his eyes, hard and long, while my heart crippled by the passing seconds.
"Brendon, do you remember the last moment we had together? What was that. huh?"
"Ryan, stop it."
"You had your way with me, I thought it was love, Brendon, and what really was it?"
"Shut up!"
Tears were climbing out my eyes, looking at the truth as it passed off my lips, "Just a quick fuck so you could gain my forgiveness?" I almost choked on my tears.
"Get out of here!" He yelled, not even bothering to look in my eyes. He was so fucking guilty, I could see it.
"It wasn't love at all was it? How could I have been so stupid! How could you, Brendon? I should have just stayed mad at you, but you and your fucking charm-"
"Ryan!!" He yelled so loud, it almost made me cringe.
"Unless you do still love me like I know you do." I tried to sound more calm, "Goddamn it Brendon, please, just...."
"I don't fucking love you anymore. I don't know how the fuck you don't see that. I'm getting married to Sarah. That's it, done."
"Don't give up on us, Brendon." My voice shuttered as it went into a whisper. My tears almost clouding my eyes.
"There's no such thing as 'us' anymore Ryan! Get the fuck out of here, okay?"
"But the last time-"
"But the last time nothing, Ryan. If you never came back, none of this would have happened."
"Brendon, I thought you loved me."
One of his hands he placed over his face, taking a deep breath, he let out something I wish I had never heard.
"Ryan, leave. Fucking leave. I don't fucking love you anymore. You're starting to piss me off." His voice now had more exaggeration in it than before, "I don't want to see your fucking queer face anymore, you fucking faggot. I don't love you, in fact, I fucking hate you, so leave me alone and never ever talk to me ever again. Do you understand me, you selfish bastard, do you? Do you?!" He looked at me right in my face.
"Leave," His hands pushed forcefully on my chest making me fall to the ground, "get out of here Ryan..."
My heart collapsed in that instant. I had lost track of the bullets pounding into my chest. I couldn't even move. I just sat there on the ground, not looking at that... that monster.
"I fucking hate you Ryan. Get out of here you little faggot." He yelled at me. He was yelling at me. I didn't do anything to him. All I ever gave him was what he wanted. Now he destroyed me. I couldn't even stop the tears from falling, it hurt... so bad....
I then tried to find some sort of strength to get up. How was that even possible?...
Just as I was almost to my feet, he didn't even care anymore as he walked back to the hotel. When I got up, just stood there... watching him leave
Under my breath I whispered, "I love you..."