Mistakes and Regrets

I couldn't believe I was doing this.

I stared bitterly at the pregnancy test that sat on the corner of the bathroom counter, as if it actually cared that I legitimately loathed it being in my apartment. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, my elbows resting against my knees as I waited anxiously for the timer to go off. Everyone, whether they be real or in movies or books, always said that waiting for the test to finish was the most nerve-wrecking two minutes of your life. And here I had thought they were being over dramatic.

I could feel my hands shaking along with the rest of me as I tapped my foot against the tan tiles. The slight drip of the shower head was the only sound reverberating through the small space aside from my uneven breaths. I bit my lip and prayed that the timer would go off on my phone. I glanced at it, and it informed me I still had another thirty fucking seconds. I groaned loudly and buried my head in insides of my elbows. I had never had the patience, especially for something like this.

I wasn't pregnant. I was only taking this stupid test to prove what I already knew. Right?

Dammit! I didn't even know how Mia manged to do this. She planted this idea in my head with her stupid joke, and now I was full of paranoia. Immediately after she dropped me back off at the apartment, I had walked down to the drugstore a few blocks away and bought the stupid test, because I just had to know. I felt so ridiculous, and I was sure I would feel even more so when the test showed up negative.

Of all the explanations for the way I'd been lately, pregnancy had honestly never crossed my mind. I was stressed. I just started a new job and moved into my new apartment. I was a girl and therefore entitled to just be upset and mad for no reason sometimes. It didn't make me pregnant. Right?

God this waiting was killing me.

I tapped my fingers against the tub and the rapid thudding echoed my heartbeat. There was a dull pain in my lip from biting it too hard, but I didn't bother to stop. I hated this so fucking much. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to count to ten in my head or something, but it reminded me of the timer and why I was here in the first place.

The harsh ringing finally bounced off of the tiled walls, and I nearly fell back into the tub. One of my hand clutched the edge as the other reached up to the counter. My breath caught in my throat and I could see the test shaking in my grip as I slowly brought it into my line of vision. Tears blurred my vision and there was a dull clattering as the stupid stick hit the floor. I put my head into my hands and my whole body shook as a million different thoughts filled my mind, all revolving about the small, pink plus sign I couldn't unsee.



I heard the door creak open and I flipped over in bed, my back to the door. I held my breath as his footsteps made their way towards me, and his arrival was made final by the groan the hinges of my bedroom door made as he walked through it. I squeezed my eyes shut and weighed my options in my head. How was I supposed to tell him this?

The bed shifted beneath me and I could smell the mixture of cigarette smoke and musky cologne that was John surrounding me. His arms snaked around me, and I let out my breath. John jumped a little bit, and I cursed myself internally.

"Are you still awake?" he whispered in my ear, his breath tickling my skin and giving me goosebumps.

"Yeah, I just couldn't sleep," I admitted, leaning my head back against his chest.

"Well, I would yell at you for not resting, but I'm actually kind of glad you're awake," he said lightly, and my breathing hitched again. Even without knowing it, he was making this decision for me. I guess it was sooner rather than later.

"Actually, there's something I wanted to tell you, too," I whispered, turning to face him, my forehead resting against his.

"Do you want to go first?" he asked, and I struggled to swallow. I didn't know how to tell him something that would change his entire life like this. Hell, I still wasn't sure if I could deal with this. I couldn't find the words, so I shook my head to buy time.

"No," I murmured, swallowing again, my throat dry. "You go ahead. You said it first."

He gave me his lopsided grin, and even in the dark I could see his clover eyes sparkling. "Tim told us tonight that the label wants us to head over to LA next Thursday for a week or two and do some press, play some shows, and get a head start on the next album They're even talking about another tour starting in the spring, going through the summer."

I could feel my heart crack a little and I prayed he didn't see my expression wavering as I closed my eyes. He looked so ecstatic and excited, and I knew he and the band deserved this opportunity. This would be good exposure for them, and god knew they were so talented and deserving.

"That's fantastic," I said finally, managing to keep my voice calm. "You guys must be so excited."

"Yeah, just a little," John admitted sheepishly, kissing my nose quickly and lacing his fingers with mine. "What did you want to talk about now?"

I shut my eyes again, thankful that my hands were tangled in his, because otherwise I would have been biting at my thumb a long time ago, and I was already having a hard time trying to keep my composure.

The excitement filling his voice and eyes filled my mind, and I bit my lip. I knew I couldn't bring myself to do it, not now. I finally opened my eyes and managed a small smile, doing my best to keep the doubt and distress out of my expression. I shook my head a little bit, giving his hand a squeeze.

"It was nothing. It can wait," I said, trying to keep my voice light and cheerful. John looked at me, letting go of one of my hands and stroking my cheek lightly.

"You sure?" he asked, and I swallowed painfully, nodding my head and hating myself for being such a coward.

"Yeah," I lied. "I'm sure.