Some Days

“It wasn’t that bad when I left, was it, Ken?” I asked, looking over at him. He and Regan were more interested in their placemat masterpieces than in what I was trying to work through. “Kenny.”

Kennedy’s eyes very briefly met mine, but in those few seconds I knew what I had just walked into. “In my opinion, Nolan,” he said sternly, “you didn’t have to leave. Your family is here. Your friends – your second family – would have taken care of you, Nolan. This child? She would have been in the best hands if you had stayed here. We wouldn’t have to play catch up and no one would have gotten hurt. You may think that you saved him by leaving, but you ruined his life. Leaving was the worst thing you could have done to him. And coming back – well, I’m not sure that’s enough to fix everything.”

I sighed heavily and took the crayon that Regan was handing me. Kennedy kept his eyes locked on mine, making sure his words were etching into my brain. And, for some reason, it was working. The way his eyes held emotion made my stomach cramp. His words made me feel as if John was right when he called me a piece of shit. Because that’s all I really had been for the past five years.

“How do I fix it?” I asked, defeated.

Kennedy let out a small exhale, one that said he was going to tell me but he wished I had been able to figure it out on my own. Our lunch was placed before us, and after the waiter walked away, he looked at me again. “You need to introduce them. You need to give them a chance to connect.”

“I’m scared, Ken,” I told him. “I don’t know if that’s good for him right now.”

“Really? You’re really going to make me say this?” Kennedy challenged, cutting up Regan’s cheese quesadilla into smaller bites. “You’re letting Garrett in, but you can’t let the love of your life meet his daughter?”

I bit my lip. Although I hated hearing these things, I knew Kennedy had my best interest in mind. He never sugarcoated anything when we were teenagers, I didn’t expect him to do that to me now. His tough love got me through a lot, and it would be foolish if I started to ignore his level-headedness now.

For the past few days, I had been letting Garrett get close. After I had gone to see John and left Regan with the boys, Garrett came back to the hotel room with me. We stayed up late into the night, long after Regan had fallen asleep. I learned a lot about him and his family life, and he learned a lot about me. He ended up falling asleep on the sofa in the room that night. We understood each other after that, and it was easy with him. He knew why I did the things I did, even though he didn’t fully agree with all of it. He didn’t push me to do anything, especially not when it came to Regan. I think that’s why I liked having him around so much.

I knew I wasn’t a saint.

But maybe I was the devil.
***

After lunch with Kennedy, I moved from the hotel to my parents’ house. My mother still had no idea who I was – or that I was even staying there. Garrett stopped by daily; he said it was to check on my mom, but I had a feeling it was because of me.

Regan didn’t mind. She had fallen in love with the boy. She loved his voice, and she played with his hair and fingers whenever she could. She made him roll around in the grass with her. And he gladly obliged.

And maybe I was feeling something for him too.

I closed my eyes against the gorgeous late afternoon sun, a content sigh slipping through my lips.

“What’re you thinking about?” I heard, and I didn’t need to open my eyes but I did. The sun was directly behind his head, creating a heavenly glow about him. I almost chuckled, until he handed me a cup of warm tea.

“Where’s Regan?” I questioned, purposely ignoring his question. There were entirely too many thoughts rushing through my brain, occupying my every waking moment. It would be impossible to tell him them all.

“She fell asleep on the couch while I was making the tea,” he answered kindly, sitting next to me. “You gonna tell me what’s on your mind?”

I sipped the tea slowly, weighing my thoughts heavily. “I talked to Kennedy a few days ago. His words are still settling with me.”

His eyebrows rose. “What’d you two talk about?”

I looked at him, his blue eyes so crystal clear and understanding. “I think I need to tell John. Tomorrow.”