Some Days

I spent hours talking things over with my dad and Garrett, while Payton quietly sat in the other room listening in. Dad, naturally, wanted me to stay at the house, but both Garrett and I pointed out the flaws in that idea – we reminded him that my mother still had no idea who I was, and that was enough to change the subject.

Payton had a plane to catch and I promised I would take her to the airport myself. I hesitated when it came to whether or not I took Regan with me, but eventually decided on leaving her at home with Garrett and dad. She seemed to love Garrett, and dad wanted to get to know her; I trusted both of them, a fact that shocked even me. I exchanged numbers with Garrett, in case anything happened while I was gone, and then kissed Regan’s forehead.

“I’ll be back soon, baby,” I promised her. “I’m taking Auntie Payton to the airport.”

“Oh no!” she whined, clutching to Payton. “I don’t want her to go.”

“She has to,” I explained. “She has a family to go home to.”

Payton pouted at me, as if I was making her feel bad that she had to go home. I shook my head at her and, as she said her goodbyes to Regan, I spoke to Garrett.

“If anything happens – seriously, anything at all – call me. Not that I don’t trust either of you, but she’s my pride and joy, okay? Please, just.. Just keep that in mind,” I said, staring Garrett directly in the eyes.

He nodded and placed one of his hands on my forearm. “She’ll be fine. I promise you.”

I bit my lip. Although his words were comforting, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. “If John comes back, don’t let him in. Don’t let him see Regan. I need to do that on my own time. I have to be here.”

“Nolan, he’s not going to come back,” Garrett said sternly. “You’ll be gone for, like, 40 minutes. Nothing bad will happen.”

The thought of John coming back terrified me. I couldn’t shake his words; they kept ringing in my head, stinging just as much each time. Payton grabbed my hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“We should go before I miss this flight, too,” she said softly. I nodded and she said goodbye to Garrett and my dad, “It was nice meeting both of you.”

The ride back to the hotel was relatively silent. We grabbed her bags and headed back down to the car. It was on the ride to the airport that she really laid into me.

“So, you must really trust Garrett, huh?” she questioned. And although she tried to make herself sound innocent, I knew otherwise. She was going to start off kind, pretending she’s on my side with everything, and then she’ll become harsh and direct. We’ve had numerous arguments – and most of the time, I lost.

“He seems like a nice enough kid,” I replied uneasily.

She hummed. “So John knows about Regan now. Are you going to introduce them? It doesn’t seem right that Garrett can know about her and bond with her but you won’t let John in. And didn’t you say Kennedy was your oldest friend? Does he know about your baby?”

“No one knows about Regan,” I reminded her. “Except John and Garrett now. John is a completely different animal than Garrett. If he’s anything like I remember him to be, he doesn’t care to settle down any time soon. He might have been in love with me once, Payton, but you saw the way he reacted earlier. If you love someone, no matter what they’ve done to you, you don’t call them pieces of shit.”

Payton sighed dramatically, flailing her arms slightly and slouching in her seat. “Yeah, but you broke the dude’s heart. You fucking up and left, Nolan. You never called him back. He probably loved you to death and you just trampled all over him.”

“I was trying to protect him, Payton!” I shouted. “I couldn’t be the reason his whole life was turned upside down. I loved him too much to do that to him.”

She scoffed, “You didn’t even give him the option or chance.”

I sighed as Sky Harbor came into view. I love her but she didn’t understand. No one would understand unless they were in the same situation. “I really don’t want to argue with you,” I said as we approached her terminal.

“I just think you should have given him the chance,” she pressed on. “You were right there in the bathroom with him, Nolan. He knew what was going on. You gave him that insight and then shoved him right back into the darkness.”

“I’m going to take care of everything. I’m not going home until everything is sorted out.”

She looked at me as I parked by the curb. She shook her head slightly, pushed the door open and stepped out. I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, and held it for a few seconds before slowly letting it out. Joining her at the trunk, she kept her eyes steadily on me.

“Nolan, you are home,” she said softly, as if saying it aloud was confirming her worst nightmare. She grabbed her bags out of the trunk and one of the curbside workers took them from her, bringing them over to his check-in desk.

“Payton,” I said dejectedly. She just shook her head, closed the trunk and stepped up on the curb. She looked at me with sadness in her eyes. From day one, I knew she hated what I had done to him, but I never thought she could hate me, too. “Payton – Payton, don’t be like this.”

“Maybe I’ll see you again in Chicago,” she said and without hugging me goodbye, she turned her back to me and went to check in.

Before leaving the airport, I sent a text to Garrett, asking him to meet me outside with Regan. I hated arguing with Payton. And maybe it was because I subconsciously knew she was right – I really should have given him the choice. I should have stayed around long enough to talk things over with John and figure out what we wanted to do. But I didn’t and there was nothing I could do to fix that fact now.

And even then, knowing what I did was in the past, I found myself crying on the way home. Crying, just as hard as I had when I drove away from Tempe to begin with.

When I saw Garrett standing outside, Regan’s little hand in his, I dried my cheeks and pulled into the driveway. Even though I tried to hide the fact that I had been sobbing on the ride back, he saw it instantly.

“Are you okay?” he asked as I picked Regan up. He followed me over to the car and stood behind me as I placed her in the car seat in the back. “Nolan?”

I closed the door and faced him. The concern in his eyes overwhelmed me and I almost forgot what I was going to say. “I think Max and Kenny need to know.”

“Right now?” he questioned, stopping me from opening my car door just yet. When I stared at him, he sighed. “We can do this at my house, okay? Let me drive.”

As I surrendered my keys to him and sank into the passenger seat, I began to wonder just who I had become. In less than 48 hours, I had put so much trust into a boy I hardly knew. But there was something so refreshing and calm about him; it was a gut instinct to trust him. He made it so easy.

He dug in his pocket as he slowly backed out of the driveway. “Here,” he said, handing me his phone. “Text them.”

“And say what?” I questioned, slowly looking through his contact list. My heart throbbed when I saw John’s name.

“I dunno. Just.. Say ‘we have to talk’ and that’s it,” he said. “They think it’s me, so just say to meet at my house.”

After selecting Kennedy and Max from the contacts, I looked at Regan. She was happily swaying side to side in her seat, oblivious. I sent the message.

***

“Gar? What’s so important?” Kennedy asked as he walked into the house without knocking.

“And why is Nolan’s car outside?” Max added, following in after him. I heard the front door shut behind them and their footsteps echoing as they made their way into the house.

I held Regan closer to me when she squirmed in my lap. My heart leapt into my throat and breathing became a chore.

“In the kitchen,” Garrett called out to them.

When Kennedy walked in first, he stopped immediately. Max bumped into him from behind. His eyes locked on mine, the shocked look on his face broke my heart. I saw the years of friendship flashing in his eyes. I knew he felt betrayed. But I didn’t know what to do to fix it.

Max – now he was another story. He had always been like an older brother to me. He wasn’t just betrayed or shocked. He was disappointed, something that hurt more than anything else. He slid his phone back into his pocket slowly, afraid to take his eyes off of me for fear that if he did, the toddler on my lap would somehow disappear before he could look again.

“I wanted you guys to meet my daughter, Regan,” I said softly. Regan looked up at the mention of her name, then glanced over at the boys in the entryway. “I thought I owed it to you guys to let you know about her. Max, you were my brother growing up. And Kenny, you were my best friend-”

“We still are, Nolan,” Kennedy said, his words cutting through mine. “Don’t ever think twice about that.”

Max nodded in agreement. “It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. We love you. We were always going to be here for you, waiting for whenever you felt ready to come home.”

“It makes sense now, though,” Kennedy said, more to himself than anything. He saw the question in my eyes. “John called me a few hours ago.”

I looked out the kitchen window. The sun was falling lower in the sky now. “Is he okay?” I asked sheepishly.

Max and Kennedy exchanged looks. Max sighed heavily. “I think maybe you need to ask him that.”

I was afraid of that answer.

We spent a few hours in Garrett’s living room with Regan telling the boys story after story about our adventures in Chicago. She told them about her favorite museums and libraries, how she loved cookies but only from one special bakery; she recited a dance for them that she learned in day care once. The entire time she was warming up to them, I couldn’t get the smile off my lips. The boys sat on the floor with her, egging her on and cooing at her. Seeing them act so grown up about the whole situation gave me some confidence. Maybe John was only initially angry, and he’d let me talk to him about it now.

“Mommy,” Regan said, climbing onto the couch with me. I raised my eyebrows at her and pursed my lips out. “Is it dinner time?”

I looked at my watch. It was a little after five. “Almost. What do you want tonight, kiddo?”

“Spaghetti,” she yawned, curling up in my lap.

“We can take her out,” Kennedy said. “If you want.”

“Yeah, that way we can bond with her,” Max continued. “After all, I am an uncle now.”

I chuckled. “I’ll go with you guys. I don’t expect you to take care of my daughter.”

“What if we stayed here? We can make spaghetti and you can go talk to John,” Garrett suggested. “My mom will be home in less than 20 minutes, so we’ll have her to help.”

I looked at the three of them. I wanted to say no, but I remembered all those nights when Kennedy took care of me when I was sick. He’d climb in through my window with various medications and chicken soup, and we’d cuddle all night watching movies until I fell asleep. And Max, well, he took care of five overgrown children every day.

“You wanna stay here, baby?” I asked Regan. She shrugged. “If you want to stay and make spaghetti with the boys, you can. Mommy has to go talk to someone.”

“Can Gary make cookies?” Regan asked. I shrugged and the two of us looked over at him.

He looked mortified. “I can ask my mom how to do it?”

Regan pondered this thought for a moment before she slid off my lap and walked over to where Garrett was sitting. She wrapped her arms around his neck and nodded. I laughed. “Okay. Are you guys sure you don’t mind?”

Kennedy was already on his feet, dragging me up off the couch. He led me to the front door, “She’s in good hands. Max is like our babysitter. Nothing will go wrong.”

“I heard that, Ken,” Max said, the distaste evident in his voice.

I nodded. “Okay. Garrett has my number. If anything happens-”

“I know the drill,” Garrett said, showing up behind us. “I promise, I won’t let anything happen to her.”

I stepped outside and looked at them. I noticed, then, that Garrett was holding Regan on his hip, with her arms wrapped around his neck and a smile on her face. The sight caused my stomach to flutter.

“I’ll be back soon, baby,” I said to Regan, and kissed her forehead.

“Aw, I’ll miss you baby,” Kennedy replied, smirking.

I shook my head and left. It wasn’t as hard leaving her there with two of my greatest friends as I thought it would be. I trusted them with my own life, and they had never done me wrong before. There was nothing to worry about; especially because Mrs. Nickelsen would be home within minutes of my departure.

I arrived at John’s house rather quickly. And as I knocked on the door, I realized I had nothing prepared to say.

“Nolan?”

“Hi Jen- Mrs. O’Callaghan,” I said, correcting myself. After five years, and crushing her son’s heart, there was no way she’d want me to still call her by her first name.

“Sweetie,” she softly said, and warmly embraced me. “You can call me Jenny.”

And those words, combined with her comforting hug, made me feel at home again. The knot in my stomach refused to loosen but my mind quieted a little. “Is John home?” I asked when we parted. She sent me a skeptical look. “I just.. I need to clear the air with him.”

She looked me over for a moment, no doubt taking in just how much I had changed since she last saw me. She probably noted the fuller hips, longer and darker hair, and the bags under my eyes. Finally, she relaxed and nodded. “He’s in his room.”

I nodded as well. “Thank you.”

Slipping by her and ascending the staircase, I gripped the railing as hard as I could to keep my legs from giving out on me.

“Nolan,” she said from the first step. I stopped and looked at her. “You look just as beautiful as I remember you to. You’re glowing.”

The ghost of a smile graced my lips. “Thank you, Jenny.”

She smiled and nodded her head upwards, toward her son’s room; I returned to my task. As I got closer to his bedroom door, I could hear the sad, melancholy music playing from the other side. I knocked twice and waited, but heard no movement. I held my breath, wondering if he knew it was me. Could he sense it, even after all these years? And instead of rushing to pull me inside, he was trying to pretend he wasn’t there at all?

I tried my luck with the door handle and surprisingly, it opened. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. The sight before me was startling, to say the least. There were a few empty whiskey bottles lying around him, as he sprawled out on the floor without a shirt on. He had his eyes fixated on the ceiling. They were red and watering; his cheeks were stained with dried tears. In that moment alone, I had never in my life felt more pain.

“What are you doing here?” he slurred over the music.

I wasn’t sure if I should move closer to him or not, but when he tilted his head so he could look at me, I knew the answer. I didn’t respond to his question. Rather, I moved over to him and sat down, crossed my legs, and lifted his head onto my lap.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered in the split second as the songs changed. I ran my fingers through his hair and brushed his cheeks.

“That’s all you can say to me?” he scoffed. “You’re sorry?”

I bit my lip. “I am.”

“You’re fucking sorry? For what, Nolan? Leaving me here in misery, or keeping my daughter from me?” he demanded. I looked around at the empty bottles and thanked God he had gotten himself drunk. He had always been a rational drunk. He was always able to put unnecessary emotion out of conversations, and it made everything so much simpler.

“Both,” I responded. “I thought I was protecting you by leaving.”

“Bullshit,” he said loudly. “I loved you more than life itself, Nolan. I was going to be there for you, for always. I would have fucking died for you, and you know that.”

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. “But when I was 17, John, I didn’t want you to give everything up for me. You deserved so much more than that. You didn’t need to be trapped in Tempe for the rest of your life. You didn’t need me holding you down.”

His green eyes looked up at me. “It was too late for that. You were my whole world, Nolan. And sometimes, when I really, truly, honestly think about it – I realize I’ll never be able to say that about anyone else. Because it’s you – and it always will be you.”