Listen To Your Heart

I was on the bus, looking out the window as we drove through Arizona on the way back to the AP office where the bus was dropping us off. I hadn’t slept well last night because I couldn’t stop thinking of John. We had hung out and talked for the rest of the party until I had to call an end the night and get everyone packed up and on their way home. Now I was just waiting to get to the office so I could do whatever needed to be done and go home. I was excited to see Mary, who I hadn’t gotten to talk to much since she worked all day and I was busy all night. I also just wanted to sleep in my own bed.
“Hey girl.” AJ smiled, sitting down next to me. “You excited?”
“Super excited. You?” I smiled.
“Well I’m happy to be home, but it sucks that I won’t be spending everyday with you and Pat.” She pouted.
“Oh don’t even worry. We’ll be together plenty. And I’m sure I’ll see you at work, even if I get moved to a different department.” I assured her.
“Promise?” She asked, holding out her pinky. I smiled and linked pinkies with her.
“Promise.” I told her.
A few minutes later, we pulled into the parking lot. We all got our bags and brought them to our cars that had been waiting for us all tour. After that, we went inside to check with our boss. He didn’t keep us for long, knowing that we all wanted to get home. He just congratulated us on a job well done and told us he’d see us tomorrow for work. I said good-bye to everyone and went straight home. I knew Mary would be home because she took the day off to see Kenny and I. I grabbed my bags and made my way up to the apartment. I opened up the door and found Mary and Kenny on the couch. When she saw me, Mary jumped up and ran over to me.
“Jamie!” She squealed as she tackled me in a hug. I grinned and hugged her back.
“Hey sis! I’ve missed you!” I exclaimed.
“I missed you so much Jamie. I was so lonely. I swear to god if you two ever leave me at the same time ever again, you’re both dead.” She warned, looking between me and Kenny.
“Sorry babe.” Kenny pouted apologetically.
“I forgive you.” She smiled, going back to him and sitting in his lap.
“Alright, well I’ll leave you two alone. I’m going to go unpack, but we’re going out to dinner tonight, okay?” I told her. She nodded with a smile and I brought my bags to my room. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I knew I should get unpacking out of the way now. And I needed to do some serious laundry. I spent the rest of the day putting my room back together and doing laundry. Once I was done, I was exhausted, but it was dinner time. Mary and I went to an Italian restaurant around the corner while Kenny went to his parents’ house for a while. Once we ordered, Mary started the questions.
“Okay. Let’s hear it. Tell me everything about tour.” She smiled.
“Um, well, it was fun. Everyone on the tour was really cool. It was awesome to go to a concert every night.” I told her.
“That’s cool. Who’d you hang out with?” She asked.
“Mostly Pat and AJ. But while I was on the bus, I hung out with everyone on my team, who are all great. And I spent some time with the guys when I was on the bus with Pat.” I told her.
“What about John? Give me an update. I heard a lot of shit went down.” She said.
“Yeah. A lot of shit.” I sighed. “I’m sure you’ve heard about the hospital stay?” I asked and she nodded.
“Yeah, I saw the post about the canceled show and I called Kenny to make sure everything was okay and he told me about it. Why did he do it?” She asked.
“I told him that I didn’t love him and it really hurt him and I guess he just snapped.” I sighed.
“You don’t love him?” She asked, surprised.
“No, I do. I just said that so he’d stop trying to get me back. But I ended up telling him it was a lie. And he gave me one last chance to forgive him before he gave up on me and I didn’t take it. And then a lot of shit happened and I ended up realizing that I forgave him. I told him that, but it didn’t really change anything. I think he’s really over me. I’d be over me too. But on the last night we talked and we’re going to try and be friends.” I explained to her.
“Well is it over for you? Do you want to just be friends?” She asked. I sighed, knowing she’d see right through it if I tried to lie to her.
“No. I want to be with him. But I’m not going to try to get him back. He deserves better.”
“How so?” She asked, taking a sip of her drink.
“I’ve just put him through a lot that he didn’t deserve. I was stupid and resentful and I completely overlooked that fact that he was a great guy that loved me. He may have screwed up first, but I screwed up worse. I don’t deserve him.” I told her.
“I understand what you’re saying, but… don’t you think it’s kind of John’s decision whether or not you deserve him?” She questioned.
“Well… I guess.” I said hesitantly. I hadn’t really thought of that.
“And from what it sounds like, you haven’t talked to him about this opinion of yours?” She asked again.
“Well… no.” I sighed.
“You know what I find interesting, Jamie. My whole life, you’ve always told me the best way to solve a problem you have with someone else is to talk to them about it. You were always one to do that. Every time you were upset with someone or someone was upset with you, you’d call them up and talk it out until it was settled. And every time someone came to you for advice when they were having a problem with someone, you’d always say ‘Why are you talking to me about this? Go talk to them! They’re the only one that can help!’. So Jamie, I’m going to give you your own advice: Go talk to John. He’s the only person who is going to end your conflict. He’s either going to agree with you and you guys can move on and just be friends, or he’s going to think you’re a frickin’ lunatic like I’m sure everyone else you’ve told this opinion to does, and you guys can figure it out together. Honestly, it’s a win-win.” She stated matter-a-factly. I thought about everything she said. I always was a person that confronted their issues head on. I liked to resolve conflicts face-face, openly and honestly. I was never one to sit back and avoid a problem like I had been doing for so long with John. I don’t know why I hadn’t just talked to him to begin with. Maybe it was because I didn’t know how the conversation would turn out, and out of all the people I fought with in my life, John was the person I was least willing to lose.
“You’re right Mary. I should talk to him. I will talk to him.” I told her.
“And by that, do you mean any time soon?” She asked.
“When I’m ready.” I told her.