Listen To Your Heart

You know when you’re really sad, but no one knows because you hide it really well? That’s how my life’s been this last month of tour. All I’ve wanted to do was lie in bed and eat junk food, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I continued to work as normal and kept up my perky disposition, but inside I felt like a black cloud followed me everywhere I went. I would go to the parties that were held, but I’d just sit and watch others have fun. I hung out with AJ and Pat like nothing was wrong, and I continued to have girls’ nights on long drives. I was good at pretending to be happy and everyone believed me.
I didn’t know why I was so sad. Actually, that’s a lie. I knew exactly why I was sad, but I knew I didn’t have the right to be. I missed John. I wanted him to be mine again. But I knew it was my fault that he wasn’t, and I had no right to mope. But it felt like a piece of me was missing. There was an ever-present emptiness inside me that I knew only John could fill. But I hadn’t seen him much. Besides him passing me every night as he got on stage and the few times I saw him when I was on the guys’ bus with Pat, we haven’t had any contact. I wasn’t avoiding him and I don’t think he was avoiding me, but neither of us made an effort to see each other. That is until the last night, after the last show. There was a big party in the parking lot of the venue and everyone was there. It was an end of tour celebration and also everyone wanted to get drunk so they’d be able to sleep for their long bus rides home. Before everyone got too drunk to understand me, I got everyone’s attention to make a little speech.
“Hey guys.” I smiled. “Sorry to interrupt your partying, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for making my first tour awesome. I honestly couldn’t have chosen a better set of bands to do this with. Besides the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed getting to hear you all play every night, I enjoyed getting to know you as people because you’re all really fucking cool. And lastly, I want to thank my amazing crew that made this all possible: AJ, Morgan, Gissy, Rotem, Shawn, Sara and Dave. I couldn’t have done it without you. So I drink to you all-” I began to wrap it up but got cut off.
“You’re forgetting someone!” I heard someone from the crowd yell.
“Who?” I frowned, worried that I forgot to thank someone.
“You!” The same person said.
“Oh, no I-” I began but was once again cut off.
“We couldn’t have done it without you, boss” They said, which ignited a round of cheers and applause from everyone. I smiled and blushed, hiding my face in my hands. Once the cheers simmered down, I looked back up.
“Okay, okay. Thank you guys. How about we drink to all of us?” I asked, raising my cup. They raised theirs too.
“To all of us!” They cheered, everyone drinking after. I smiled.
“Okay, now everybody can get drunk!” I smiled, stepping down off the chair I was on. They cheered and the music started up again and the party restarted. I went back over to where Pat and AJ were sitting and I sat down next to them.
“That was nice, Jamie.” AJ smiled, hugging me.
“It was true! I love everyone on this tour; I wouldn’t have brought anyone else.” I smiled.
“Well I’m glad your first tour went so well. Do you think you’ll do more once Amanda comes back?” AJ asked.
“I don’t know. I suppose if they ask me too, I will. But I also wouldn’t mind going back to writing.” I told her.
“But if you go out on tour, I’ll never see you!” Pat frowned.
“Aww. I’m sure there will be times when we’re both home! But let’s not worry about that, considering we don’t even know if it’ll happen. Anyway, it’s a party! We’re supposed to be having fun!” I told them.
“You’re right. I’m going to go get a drink. Do either of you want anything?” Pat asked, standing up. I shook my head no.
“I do, but I don’t know what I want, so I’ll come with you.” AJ said, standing up with him. They told me they’d be right back before walking off. I looked down at my red solo cup filled with water and sighed. I didn’t want to drink, but I used the cup of water as a decoy so people wouldn’t ask why I wasn’t drinking. I realized drinking while sad was not a good combination after the party on Mayday’s bus, so I haven’t drank since. I looked up when I saw I heard someone sit in the chair next to me. It was John.
“Hey.” He said, giving me a friendly smile.
“Hi.” I said, returning the gesture.
“That was a nice speech you gave.” He commented.
“Thank you. I just thought everyone deserved my gratitude. Despite everything that happened on this tour, I still had a good time.” I told him.
“I’m glad. You did a good job, too. You kept us all in line, which is never easy.” He smiled.
“Yeah, you guys can be hard to handle.” I said. As I said that, I heard someone yell, causing me to look up. Eric was running around naked, yelling what sounded like some kind of animalistic mating call. I couldn’t help but laugh. “I rest my case.” I said, looking back at John. He nodded with a smirk.
“So, what are your plans for when we get back?” He asked after a moment.
“I don’t know. Depends on what happens at work. I don’t really know what job my boss will be having me do when I get back.” I told him.
“Well, I have to admit that I hope they don’t keep you at this position.” He said. I furrowed my brow.
“Why not? I thought you said I did a good job?” I asked.
“Oh no, you did. But if you’re out on tour and we’re out on tour, we’ll never see each other, and that would suck.” He said.
“Oh. Right. I guess I hadn’t thought about that. I would miss you guys. But I won’t worry about it until I find out what my boss wants me to do.” I told him. He nodded. There was a comfortable silence between us. I looked over at him. “John… are we being… friendly?” I asked.
“Yeah. I suppose we are.” He said with a small smile.
“So does this mean we can be friends?” I asked.
“I never said we couldn’t.” He said.
“As I recall, you didn’t even want to look at me for a while there.” I reminded him.
“And as I recall, you specifically told me that we couldn’t be friends.” He pointed out.
“Well, I was wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time.” I told him.
“Nobody’s perfect.”
“Are you quoting Hannah Montana?” I asked.
“I feel judged.” He pouted.
“Sorry.” I giggled.
“I forgive you.” He smiled. And from the look in his eye, I could tell he was forgiving me for more than just judging his taste in teen pop stars.