Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

“What the… holy fuck… what?” Jared stammered out the words, looking like he’s just seen a monster crawl out from under the bed. His face turned pale, his eyes were wide and his skin had a tinge of green along with the red of embarrassment to it.

“Jared, Jared let me explain,” Jordan started, but Jared stayed frozen where he was.

“What the fuck…? Y-you’re g-g—” he turned pale, and Jordan shook his head. I crawled onto the mattress beside him, and he went to grab Jared’s arm. His little brother flinched, staring wide eyed at him. He began speaking half-sentences and words, cutting himself off and trying again and not making any sense whatsoever as he looked between the two of us.

“Jared, sit down and listen to me,” Jordan commanded, and looking stunned he did so, his wide green eyes landing on me and looking completely shocked.

“Look, Jared it’s not what it looks like,” Jordan started, running a hand through his hair.

“So I didn’t just catch my brother making out with his teammate?” Jared asked, closing his eyes as if it would make this all go away.

“Well, to word it that way… it was, but,”

“Jared I’m a girl,” I blurted it out, and his eyes shot open.

“Don’t fuck with me,” he warned me, but I shook my head.

“I’m a girl, and Jordan and I are… together,” I slowly told him, and I could see it wasn’t registering.

“This is… look… if you two are… you know… I won’t like, tell anybody, you don’t have to lie to me,” he stuttered out.

“Just a second,” I weakly got myself up off of the bed and went to Becka’s suitcase. I grabbed the black dress of mine she’d claimed when she moved to Pittsburgh with me and went to the bathroom and put it on, along with a little bit of mascara and lip gloss. I took a deep breath to make sure I wasn’t going to vomit again, and then stepped out into the main room. Both boys’ eyes widened and their mouths hung open, making me feel more nauseous and self-conscious.

“Holy shit,” Jared whispered, gulping.

“You’re telling me,” Jordan agreed, and soon my face was bright red and the knot in my stomach was slowly easing up. Now I didn’t have to feel as bad, now that Jared knew.

“S-so you’re a… holy shit, my favorite hockey player is a girl,” he blurted, running his giant hands through his bright red hair.

“Now can I put normal clothes back on?” I asked, and they nodded. I went back to the bathroom and quickly changed back into my jeans and t-shirt before walking back into the room.

“See what I mean? It wasn’t what it looked like,” Jordan said, and Jared let out a long breath.

“I still can’t believe… whoa,” he shook his head as I walked back out of the bathroom, having washed the makeup off of my face, and then put the dress back in Becka’s bag.

“So does the whole team know you’re a girl then?” I shook my head, and if it were possible Jared looked even more surprised.

“So then who does know?”

“Becka, my family, Sullivan’s and your brother,” I sighed, sitting down beside Jordan and weakly leaning against him. Throwing up had made me tired and shaky, and I just wanted to go to sleep.

“That’s it? Holy… how’d you pull that off? Were you ever gonna tell anybody?”

“She wanted to wait out this season so that she had a fair shot Jared; you know how people are about girls playing on guys’ teams,” Jordan reminded him, and Jared nodded.

“Makes sense. Still… holy shit, I just can’t believe it. Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked, and I felt the guilt hit me again, even stronger than before. There was the hurt and confusion in his hazel eyes that I’d been worried about.

“I…”

“Jared, it’s complicated; the more people who know the easier it is for someone to slip,” Jordan stepped in.

“Cam, are you okay?” Jared asked, and I nodded, keeping my face buried against Jordan as I fought against tears yet again today.

“Jared, I’m so sorry, you have no idea how badly I wanted to tell you guys,” I whispered, and soon felt a large hand on my back.

“It’s okay, I mean, I kind of get it. But you know we wouldn’t tell anybody; and Parker’s going to be confused as shit,”

“I know!” my voice was too close to a sob for my liking, but I continued anyway. “I know you guys wouldn’t tell anyone, but do you think your brothers would play the same way against me? If they knew I was a girl? People start to ask questions about shit like that, and after that happens it doesn’t take long for someone to come out with the suggestion that I’m a girl. I love hockey Jared, I need my team to need me before I can make it a public thing.”

“Jared, I think you should go; Cam needs some rest,” Jordan quietly told him.

“N-no, it’s okay,” I weakly argued, but Jordan shook his head.

“No babe, you need some quiet time to relax and calm down; Jared you’re not really helping right now,”

“I’m sorry; I’ll stop, I’ll just shut up and sit here,” he immediately suggested, not wanting to leave.

“Jared,”

“Jordy it’s okay,” I insisted, and finally he let his little brother stay. I curled up under the covers of what had been Jordan’s bed last night, while the two brothers sat on the other bed to quietly talk.

“You can’t tell anyone Jared; nobody. Not any of our brothers, or the girls, or mom and dad, or Parker, or even Levi,” Jordan quietly warned him.

“Got it; I won’t say a word,” Jared told his brother, and then they were quiet for a while, long enough for me to fall asleep.