Warning

I walked into my apartment tired and ready for sleep. I didn’t feel like sleeping alone in a big house, the reminders of our life together only instigating the frustration I felt. But in my anticipation of time for myself, I was sorely disappointed and misguided because as soon as I walked around the corner into the living room, I noticed the lights were on. And there, on our old, sad looking couch, was Lucy.

“You just worked a 15 hour shift and didn’t answer a single one of my texts, pages or calls. Don’t give me that ‘I was in surgery’ bullshit because I’ve practically memorized the times of every operation conceivable and none take 15 hours.” She said, standing up. “So you better tell me what’s wrong or I will force it out of you. “ her expression softened considerably. She was never good at the mean thing.

“Plus, I brought food.” She said, holding up a bag of Chinese in one hand and a bag of McDonalds in another. I just shook my head and threw my bag on the couch, grabbed the bag of McDonalds and sat down with an exasperated sigh.

“Sidney stopped by today and I just…am not really sure what’s wrong with him. I know he’s tired but he wasn’t ever like this before. “ I said, grabbing a fry and the tv remote.

“Well what did he say?” Lucy asked as she pried open the container of cold sesame noodles.

“Nothing, that’s the problem. He just felt the need to come by and tell me he’s not going to be around. And then he leaves. And he’s tense and strange and I don’t know, Luce. “ I sank into the couch with my bag of food, defeated. I flipped through the channel even though I was too frustrated to watch tv, causing Lucy to grab my hand and the remote.

“Stop it, or I’m digging out Forests From Around the World. It’s a three volume set.” She threatened and I made a face.

“And then there’s this new doctor in the hospital. Neal Hansan. He’s this brilliant neurosurgeon and I—“ I paused. What happened between us? I wasn’t even sure. I was so strung up on Sidney that I had forgot about what happened with Neal. I looked back up to Lucy, my face bearing the small indication of guilt.

“He asked me out. And I said yes.” I said and Lucy choked on her noodle.

“You did what?” She almost screamed, setting down her container of food. My heart is hammering and I rush through the events that transpired today, from me accepting lunch to Sidney showing up all callous and cold. I reached for my big mac and chewed thoughtfully, looking back up at Lucy.

“Okay I didn’t realize it was a date till after I agreed to go on the date. I thought we were just talking about a spinal reconstruction. “

“Sexy.” Lucy replied, shaking her head. “Violet, look. I’m sure it’ll be fine. It was a misunderstanding. It’s not like you feel anything towards the guy, right?”

I felt her startlingly blue eyes burn into me and I couldn’t turn to meet them. Because the thing is, I don’t know if I felt anything for Neal or not. Except I do. I do like him. But I wasn’t sure if it was genuine or it was just because he was there, that he was everything Sidney wasn’t.

“Violet.” I hear her voice break through my thoughts and I finally turned around and faced her, placing my food back on the coffee table. I wiped my eyes stubbornly, shaking my head.

“I don’t understand.” I cried. “I love Sidney I just—“ the tears dried up almost instantly, but my eyes still felt heavy and thick. “I’m starting to wonder if I love him enough to deal with everything he puts me through. I don’t know if I can handle this.” Lucy patted my leg.

“Tequila?” Lucy got up to go to the liquor cabinet, which was still well stocked, but I shook my head.

“I’m on call. I have to get back to work soon.” I got up and shook my head. “I might as well go back there now. Face the humiliation of Neal Hansan. I locked myself in a closet and cried and he saw the whole thing. Right after Sidney left. He followed me and opened the door and was all ‘Violet’ in this weird voice and he looked at me and Lucy, I don’t know if I can handle it.” I said, looking into the kitchen at the liquor cabinet. Maybe I should drink.

“Violet, just…give you and Sidney a chance okay? I nodded, grabbed my purse and coat and walked out the door into the cold.

---

Mark surveyed me from a distance as I leaned up against the nurses station, watching as Dr. Hansan checked on his GSW’s vitals. They had gone down and he wasn’t able to operate.

“Kat said you had the hots for Neurogod.” Mark said as he came over to my side.

“I do not have the hots for anyone. I have a boyfriend.” I said, putting my pen down.

“So that’s why you’re staring at him? “ Mark asked and I eyed him.

“No. I’m staring at him because I want in on the spinal reconstruction. “ I clarified calmly, pushing my hair out of my face. I grabbed the chart and turned away on my heel, the two of us walking down the hallway together.

“Come on, Anderson. We saw the blow up you had with hockey kid. “ Marks face twisted into a small smile and his voice lowered. “And then we saw Hansan follow you into the closet.”

I hit him quickly before turning the corner into the lounge and heading into my locker. Mark sat down on the bench as I flung the small metal door open, grabbing my apple. “I didn’t ask him to.” I said before walking back out of the lounge.

“Yeah, well then Neurogod has the hots for you. Look at you go. Dirty mistress strikes again.” He said with a grin as we approached the elevator. “Hey, there’s a piggyback with Savard. Swenns scrubbing in, but Lex and I got snacks and the hospital see’s like two of these a year. You in?”

“I’ll get the water.” The elevator button ignited as Mark was walking away and the doors pushed away from each other to reveal Neal Hansan standing there, checking his pager.

I stood there for a good second and Neal took a double look, watching me as I carefully stepped into the elevator, staring intently at the door as I stood in front of him. I was tense and my heart was beating wildly. I found myself struggling to breathe or stand at all.

I felt him pull in closer to me and my body tense even more as he neared, my mind scrambling to figure out what to say if he said hello.

“Are you okay?” he asked and I turned around with a bright smile.

“Yeah, absolutely. Just stress. You know, being an intern.” I managed stiffly, my voice light and cheerful. He just watched me for a moment, looking at me with a flash of concern. But there was something else, something I couldn’t pick up on. His face broke into a gentle smile, his eyes still soft. It reminded me of the way Sidney used to look at me and I felt the façade I had been keeping up with break. The wall was crumbling down.

Luckily, the elevator slid open to my floor and I shot him another smile. “I’ll see you later, Dr. Hansan.”