Some Nights Alone

There is no feeling worse than forgetting the one person you love. When you have gone so long without them that you are begging and hoping that something will remind you of them. The memories that are lost forever feel like stabs in the back instead of the happiest times of my short life. The first things forgotten are the big memories, our first date, 1st Christmas, 1 year anniversary, and our engagement. Then right before you realize how much you want all of those back, you can’t even remember the little stuff.
He is so far gone from me, I have forgotten everything. I try to imagine it, but that is all it is, day dreams. I forget his smell after a long day at practice. The feel of his touch when I first woke up. The way I would get mad when he would drink milk straight from the carton. The feel of his lips on mine. The sound of his random ‘I love yous’. The way I could comfort him after a tough loss. The way he would hold me after a tough day at the hospital. The sound of his horrible singing in the shower. The taste of the late night Chinese after a long road trip. The sound of my name coming from his soft lips.
These are the things I miss on nights like this one. Nights were I’m all alone in my small apartment, eating leftover Fried Rice from the Chinese delivery place down the street. I remember everything vaguely, searching my brain for the little details I thrive for. I try to find things to make me remember. I wear the same perfume, listen to the same cd we made after he was sick of my Taylor Swift album. Nothing I try brings back the memories of two years ago. Its like 2 years of my life were wiped out and never coming back.
Carey was gone. He was gone and never coming back. I had to accept that. I moved on a long time ago. My life went back to normal and at times I became happy again. I went on a few dates, and went weeks without remembering him. He was part of my past for a short time, before he came creeping back. My friends tried to keep me on track and busy. All of their efforts were the lost the second I had a night alone in my apartment. I was back in Montreal after spending two years in Toronto. I finally finished medical school and was accepted into a program in the cities main hospital. My schooling got in the way most of the time with our schedules, but now I was done and he was gone.
I read about him in the paper all the time. There were articles on him and the team, about wins and losses. There were interviews on sports center and my little brother was a Canadians fanatic. I was kept up to date all everything that had to do with the team. He still talked to Carey every once in a while and even went to a few games when he could. I was always invited, but always said no. I was over him, but not ready to see him.
Even now, 2 years later, I have no idea what I will do if I ever see him. We live in the same city, on the same street, just 8 blocks away from each other. I never planned it to be this way, but it’s just how it is. My old apartment building was across the street and I often see guys from the team come in and out of it. P.K. Subban often comes in my building, but never recognizes me. He often looks right at me and smiles, but never comes over. He knows not to come. He knows it still too hard. Scott Gomez still calls me every once in a while. He is the kind of guy that no matter what will keep in touch with you. He kept me updated in Carey until I couldn’t take it anymore and stopped asking.
Its nights like these where I ignore Scott’s calls and stay locked up in my apartment, reminiscing on the past. This night though, I answer on the last ring and Scott welcomes me with a light hello.
“Hi Scotty.” I reply and look out my window. It is only 7, but it seems as if the streets were deserted. Scott starts on our normal conversation of catch-up and he tells me about the teams latest pranks and road trips. I only half listen and answer in the right places to make it seem like I’m listening. What I’m really thinking about is Carey.
“TJ why do you keep doing this?” Scott stopped mid sentence and asked me. I froze from my position of sitting on my window sill and bit my lip. “You keep youself locked up in that loft and only leave for work and when your friends drag you out.” He said.
“I do not.” I replied, defending my non-existent social life. Scott saw right through my lie and wasn’t afraid to call me out on it.
“Get out of those yoga pants and t-shirt and get you ass presentable. I will be at your apartment in 20 minutes. We are going out there is a firework show a little while out of the city.” He said firmly and abruptly hung up the phone. I sighed and saw that there was no use in arguing. He would drag me out either way, presentable or not. So I dragged myself up and threw away the remnants of my make shift dinner. I threw on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a zip up hoodie before sliding on a pair of old black converse and straightening my naturally curly blonde hair. Scott showed up five minutes later and I buzzed him up. He walked in my apartment and looked like he was prepared to yell at me for not listening.
“TJ!” He said and I looked at him cheerfully, catching him off guard.
“Yes? I’m almost done, just let me put some mascara on.” I replied and looked in the mirror of my bathroom. Scott stood stunned in the middle of my studio apartment. I never listened to him.
“Thank the Lord for he is good! You finally got off your ass.” He said and I laughed. I hadn’t been out in a while and I finally was ready to leave my shell I put up around me.
“So where are we going?” I asked.
“Fireworks.” He replied and led me to his car. I smiled and was finally ready to go out on the town. As long as Carey wasn’t involved.

The hardest thing to forget about TJ was her laugh. She was always laughing and making jokes. Her free spirit was what attracted me to her. I fell in love with Tia-Jane, nicknamed TJ, during my rookie year with the Habs. She was an intern with the trainers and was wrapping my ankle when I finally blurted it out and asked her on a date. She let me hear the laugh I fell in love with and said yes. From that point on, I was the only one that ever made her truly laugh.
She knew what to do in every situation. Even after only six months of dating, and losing in the playoffs, she was there to comfort me when I got back to my apartment. She held me and didn’t make fun of me when I cried. That was the first time I said I love you. It seemed as if she was never scared and went head first into everything. I admired her. She kept balance between friends, school, and me. She graduated college on high honors and was accepted into medical school all around the country. It was always the plan for her to go to school in Montreal. I would keep playing as the starting goalie for the Montreal Canadians and she would go onto be a pediatric oncologist. We had everything planned and nothing stood in our way.
I remembered everything. Nothing was forgotten and it haunted me. She was everywhere I turned and even though I moved on from thinking she would come running back, I never moved on from loving her. I still can’t figure out what I would rather have, remembering everything or remembering nothing. She was everything to me and the worst part was remembering her so much, it was like she was still there. I would wake up some mornings, imagining the smell of a failed attempt at cooking breakfast, or the feel of her legs wrapped in mine and her head sleeping on my chest. She was in everything and everywhere.
I still went out with the guys, but it was like going through the movements. I would drink a few beers, dance with a few girls and every once in a while bring one home. Even with them I would go through the movements and when we were done, I would immediately think about TJ and feel guilty. I knew she wasn’t mine anymore, but I still acted as if she was. The guys noticed, but never said anything. I went home one summer engaged and came back for the next season single with a broken heart. Our short 3 month engagement was the best 3 months of my life. The only bad part was the ending.
We were childish 22 year olds rushing into something we weren’t ready for. It was like a twelve year old trying to teach themselves how to drive a stick shift car in the snow ignoring their father. Everyone told us to slow down, but we didn’t. TJ was the love of my life, what did a little piece of paper and a ring mean? It meant a lot. She was accepted to the top Medical school in Toronto and couldn’t turn it down, I couldn’t come to terms with her leaving for two years and only seeing her twice a year if I was lucky. She was willing to make it work, but I didn’t want a long distance relationship and a longer engagement. I turned into a spoiled brat and she was the frustrated mother that just gave up. Our fighting led her to set the ring on the counter and walk away with her bags packed while I was on a road trip in California. The last thing I have from her is a note left under the ring.

I guess everyone is right. We are too young. Maybe this will give us time to grow up. I still love you.
Forever and Always
-TJ

On the bottom of the note was what looked like to be a tear drop and the writing got sloppier and sloppier with every word. She was crying when she wrote it and that gave me the benefit that she was just as crushed as I was. I never heard from her after that trip. I knew some of the guys called her and Gomez broke down and told me about her life after I cornered him after practice. I knew she was doing well and single. I liked to think she still thought of herself as mine, and maybe went to play with the small ring on her left hand, but noticed it wasn’t there. I liked to think she still remembered what she left.
So when Subban called me to see a firework show, I accepted. I neededto get out of the house and away from my consuming thought and dreams of nothing. She wasn’t coming back and I needed to move on, it had been almost two years. Twenty minutes later, I was dressed in casual jeans and a plain black v-neck t-shirt. P.K. picked me up and we drove 45 minutes to the show outside of the city. We drove into a town called Glenn Brooke and parked on a hill lined up with at least 6 trucks and SUVs, all belonging to the team. We pulled up to the left side and parked next to Cammalleri. He had a few girls and most of the team was parked and had their trunks open. Lawn chairs where laid out and most of the team and their families were mingling. I chatted with everyone around me and even helped P.K. grill up some burgers.
“You guys got hot dogs?” Gomez yelled from the other end of the row of cars. I laughed and yelled back a yes. He was parked on the very end of the other side, having just pulled up only ten minutes after us. Someone was in his passenger side, but I couldn’t make out the face. I threw on some hotdogs and when they were done, Subban sent me down to give them to him. I set off on my journey around the cars so no one would mug me for them and came up from the far side of the car.
Her back was to me when I heard her laugh. It was like a dream you had so many times, but it finally happened in real life. She never turned around to see me, but Scott gave me a head nod and waved me over. TJ was busy talking to Brian Gionta about something that happened when she was in Toronto when she spotted me. I tried to act calm and she tried to act normal, but everyone could feel the tension between us rise. Brian let her finish the story with half the emotion and politely stepped away to talk to someone else. Scott pushed me towards her and I stumbled up.
“Always been a clutz, eh Price.” She said with a slight French accent. I smiled, she still hadn’t lost her quick comebacks.
“Always been a smart ass, eh Roche?” I replied and she actually smiled and sat down in the back trunk. Everyone was settling down for the fireworks. Most of the little kids ran to the front to get the best view. TJ just sat in the trunk and I followed her. She sat Indian style, while I went with my legs dangling my resting all of my weight on my palms behind me. With this position, her knee was touching my thigh, and I could see her face perfectly. She grew up a lot the last two years and suddenly it was like I forgot everything that happened between us.

He sat down next to me and I could feel his eyes set on my face. At that moment it was like I suddenly remembered everything. My skin burned for his touch and my lips tingled for his lips to be against mine. I could smell his signature smell of guy. There was no way to explain it. His eyes seemed to bore a hole in my head and I finally looked at him.
“Like what you see?” I asked jokingly. He nodded and broke out into the grin I used to live to see.
“I missed you.” He whispered and I turned my body to face his.
“I missed you too.” I replied and smiled. It wasn’t an awkward conversation like I thought it was going to be. I didn’t panic over what to say or how to act. I was just hanging out at a firework show with my ex-fiancé.
“So your back in Montreal?” He asked. I nodded and smiled.
“Yeha I actually live across the street from my old apartment. I am in a training program at the hospital.” I replied. He looked so hopeful and I bit my lip as I said the last part. “And I’m back for good.” I said. He let out a sigh of relief.
“Thank god.” He muttered and I started laughing. My laugh was contagious and once we both started laughing, we couldn’t stop. Within two minutes, I was holding my stomach, laying on the floor of the truck with Carey next to me in the same position. No one was looking at us, even though I knew they were dying to hear what we were talking about. When we finally pulled ourselves together, the fireworks started. We stayed laying down and watch the colors explode in the air. I pointed out my favorite ones and what they reminded me of. Carey agreed and tried to convince me they were shaped like animals. To any one looking at us from the outside, you would think we were a couple, not exes who just met after two years of being apart. It felt like we were one too. The whole time our hands were cheating closer to one another and by the end his was on top of mine and his thumb rubbed my palm.
Right before the grand finale he talked to me with out looking away from the exploding colors.
“Have you grown up?” He asked. I was frozen and his thumb stopped moving in slow, methodic circles.
“Have you forgot about me?” I asked back.
“Do you still believe in forever and always?” He fired right back and I sighed. He remembered my note. It was burned into my mind. The tear drop stained paper I left on the counter was my final goodbye, or so I thought.
“Do you believe in second chances?” I replied. He finally turned to look at me and I sat to meet his gaze. He opened his mouth to reply, but instead shut it and leaned in. I leaned too and our lips met half way. The ache for his touch was finally healed and I had a drug relapse. He was my source of heroine and I was an addict. His hand trailed up my arm and went behind my head as I put my hands on his chest and we made out in the back of Scotty’s car like when we were teenagers.
In the background the finale went off. It was like a scene from a movie and nothing could break our moment. It only took 40 minutes to resurface the feelings I covered for two years. Carey wiggled his way back into my life and I let him. It felt right. I went with my instincts like I did every other situation. I went in head first and forgot about everything in the past.
“Hey! Keep it PG in there you two!” Gomez screamed from half way across the hill. Every head turned and I hid my head in his chest. He just laughed and wrapped his arms around my shoulders just like old times. It was just like old times. Every one was making fun of us and we didn’t care. We were young and in love. We were young and free. We were finally together and I never had to beg my mind to remember him. I had him.