This is the Calm Before the Storm

The rest of them piled out when their set was over and we all six of us sat on the curb together. Everyone kept apologising, but they had nothing to be sorry for. It was josh who needed to be sorry. The sad thing was is that I don’t think he was sorry. Things we’re going in josh’s favour at the moment and that’s all that mattered with him.

He had his new girlfriend, but he knew he also had me. I was right where he needed me, so he didn’t care if I was feeling like shit. As long as I still felt something for him then he was safe. He had someone to fall back on.

We heard the door open behind us but no one turned around. Well that was until they began to speak.

“Elodia? Can I have a word?” josh spoke musically from behind us. Everyone had jumped up before me and was hurling abuse at josh. He wasn’t looking at them though, his eyes were on me. I grabbed his arm and pulled him over to the ally that was next to the venue.

“el, what are you doing?” Curtis spoke.

“look, I just wanna sort this out, ill be back in 5 okay”

I didn’t wait for a response I just pushed josh further into the ally and out of earshot. It was only then I noticed that josh was drenched with sweat and his hair was sticking to his face and my heart began to flutter. Why did he have to be so good looking? It just made this 10 times harder.

I hated this, I hated the way he made me feel. I just wished there was an off switch for my feelings. It would certainly make things a whole lot simpler.

“what do you want?” I said quietly. Even though we were far enough away from them, no doubt they would still be trying to hear.

“im sorry okay? I had no idea you were gonna be here tonight and-“

“Wait a minute” I cut him off, “you’re saying if I wasn’t there, you still would have done it? Well I guess your not sorry then, if you were then you wouldn’t have done it at all.” I went to walk away but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

“look just let me explain. She made me promise to say it like yesterday, and she said if I didn’t then I didn’t love her and it would be over between us, I didn’t have a choice”

“yes you do josh. Everyone has the freedom to choose what they wanna do. You knew how much that song meant to me and you have the nerve to dedicate it to someone else right in front of me? and she made you, what sort of an excuse is that?”

“I know, but she’s insecure and a little bit needy” he said trying to defend her.

“well you two are a good match then” I retorted. He physically flinched and a small part of me was glad. At least I made him feel something. “you know, if she’s going to put your entire relationship on the line for something so petty and materialistic as her pretty much showing you off to everyone and making a statement as to who her boyfriend is, then you wanna ask yourself if she’s the person you want to be with”

I went to walk away again but he pulled me back, but this time he pushed me against the wall and put his arms at my sides so I was trapped.

“please don’t leave like this el, I don’t like seeing you hurt, you know that”

“well stop hurting me then” I said through clenched teeth. Like always I was determined not to cry, but clearly with wasn’t my night because my eyes overflowed and I brushed the tears away furiously. “I don’t think I can take much more of this” I sighed. “I just want to be happy, and the only way I will be is if I can just move on from you, but I cant okay? I can’t stop thinking about you, and then you’re just popping up everywhere and-“

Josh cut me off by pressing his lips to mine.

But the thing was, I didn’t care, I just let him do it. I knew it was wrong, but I just didn’t want it to stop. I just want him close so I tangled my hands in his sweat soaked hair and I felt his warm, protective hands on my hips, bringing me further into him. Things felt like how they used to be, before everything fucked up. When it was just josh and I against the world. But then things got complicated and Stella came into the picture… Stella… Stella.

I pushed josh off of me quickly and held my arms out.

“No, no, no josh, what do you think you’re doing?”

“I can’t help it el” he said tugging at his hair “I can’t get you out of my head you just… you…”

“don’t go blaming this on me, you kissed me first”

“well you weren’t complaining to begin with in case you’ve forgotten”

“yeah well you have a girlfriend, in cause you’ve forgotten” I said and walked away, but josh cornered me so I was trapped.

“don’t go acting all innocent el, I saw you tonight with Oscar, don’t tell me something isn’t going on between you two”

“Oscar is one of my best friends josh; you of all people should know that, and I can’t believe you would even insinuate that something else was going on between us. See the difference between you and me is I have a conscience and I have feelings. I would never move onto someone as quickly as you did because I would care too much about the other person and how they felt. Plus I wouldn’t move on that quickly anyway cause I would still care too much about the other person. Love doesn’t go away in the blink of an eye josh, when I told you I loved you I meant it.”

“I meant it too, el you know that”

“Do I?” I chuckled but there was no humour in it. “can you let me go please im tired of this?”

“tired of what?” josh asked, “tired of the fact that ive found someone and you haven’t?” he said arrogantly.

“no josh” I sighed. “im tired of the constant fights, and the heartache, and im tired of thinking that you’re gonna come to your senses soon, when I know the reality is that as long as everything is ok in the land of josh, nothing else matters. Or more importantly I don’t matter”

He went to speak but I just shook my head silencing him. “go find your girlfriend josh, im sure she needs you more than I do”

And with that I left him alone in the ally, not caring where he went or what he did next.