The Middle

I didn’t want to leave Ryan, but since it was at the request by the specialist, I had no other choice. I went back to Pat’s with him. The whole drive home I was in tears. I felt as though it was all my fault. If I hadn’t have agreed to go out with Pat, and just stayed with Ryan, none of this would have happened.

“Hey, we’re here.” Pat took me out of my trance. I had been staring out the window the entire car ride. I turned to Pat and nodded.

“Okay. Let’s go in. I could use some shut-eye.”

Pat nodded and came around to the passenger’s side of the car. He pulled me into a hug once I stepped out of the car.

“I truly am sorry, Claire. You shouldn’t be going through this right now. If I didn’t….”

I swiftly pulled away from him.

“Pat! What did I say about blaming yourself? This was not your fault. You heard the doctor. It was because he stopped radiation and chemo. It’s common for cancer patients. There was nothing that you nor I could do to stop it.” I looked him in the eyes, hoping I got my point across.

He nodded again, but I could tell he still partially blamed himself. I held my arm out, he hooked it through mine and we walked into the building, and up to his condo in complete silence.

When we got into Pat’s condo, he led me into the living room after he took my jacket. I sat on the couch with him trailing close behind, taking the seat beside me.

“So, I’m sure you can figure it out by now. I’m in this for the long run. I want to be by Ryan’s side whenever I can. I hope you don’t shut me out. I want to be there for you as well. You shouldn’t be going through this alone. Watching your little brother suffering slowly and knowing there’s nothing you can do about it. I envy your strength. I would go stir-crazy if my sisters were in Ryan’s position.”

I smiled a small smile.

“There’s a secret to it all. As long as when I get there, Ryan has a smile on his face, I know it’s a good day. I can wear a smile on my face as long as there is one on his. If I were to see him in pain, believe I would try my best to be strong and think positive, but I go ballistic. I try to get information out of the doctors and nurses every 2 minutes. Ryan’s all I have. I live for him; to make him happy.”

Pat’s eyes were fixed on mine as I spoke.

“You should really give yourself more credit, you know. Ryan looks up to you. You’re his real idol. He sees the way you carry yourself, knowing he’s dying, and it’s his motivation to get up every morning.”

I scoffed playfully.

“Please, Pat you don’t have to flatter me. You’re my brother’s idol. I’m not idol material. I’m just his big sister.”

“You’re also his hero.” Pat whispered. “He told me when you were talking to Jon the day we met.”

I could feel the tears brim in my eyes. I never knew that Ryan felt that way about me. I knew that he loved me, but I always thought that it was Pat he looked up to. Not me.

“He….he told you that? Wow… I … I never knew.”

Pat chuckled softly. “See, maybe if you stopped worrying and just looked around once in a while you would notice you are that boy’s world. He would walk on water for you.”

I would normally feel offended if that was said to me by anyone else, but since Pat wasn’t meaning any harm by it, I smiled.

“Well, I think it’s time for bed. It’s been a long day.”

We both got up off the couch, but then I remembered I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.

“Uhh.. Pat? Where am I sleeping?”

Pat scratched the back of his neck.

“I’m taking the couch, you get the bed in my room. I usually have the spare room set just in case I ever have company. My last visitor decided not to clean up after themselves.”

I shook my head.

“No, I’m not taking your bed away from you. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Pat gave me a look that read ‘are we really arguing over this?’

“Claire, really, it’s not a big deal. Just take the bed. I’ll feel bad knowing I made you sleep on the couch knowing that I could have given you the bed.”

Pat walked down the hallway, I could only assume that he was going into his bedroom. I had thought that he had given up arguing with me, so I laid down on the couch. I grabbed the blanket that was draped along the back. It was, of course, a Blackhawks blanket, but it was long enough that it would cover me. I was just getting comfortable when all of a sudden I heard…

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I rolled my eyes. “Really, Pat? Are we still having this argument? I just want to sleep and I’ve made myself comfortable.”

I heard him sigh. The sigh was followed by footsteps, which made me think he went back into his bedroom. Next thing I knew, I was picked up off the couch. I yelped as I was lifted, which made Pat chuckle. I rolled my eyes.

“I’m glad that you’re getting amused by the fact that you’re really fuckin’ irritating me.”

“Oh please, I’m only trying to be a nice host. You’re turning down a comfy bed for a couch. Crazy.”

When I felt him let me go, it felt as though I was floating on clouds. I looked over at Pat.

“Well, you could’ve mentioned that this was quite possibly the comfiest bed I’ve ever laid on in my life.”

Pat chuckled once again.

“Yea, well goodnight, Claire.”

“Wait!” my eyes bugged out of my head, I couldn’t believe I was going to say what I could feel on my tongue. “You can’t possibly be happy with giving up this bed. Get in.”

Pat’s eyes widened.

“Uh, no. That’s okay. I can live without it for one night.”

“But Pat, you’re hardly home during the season. I’m not going to be in the way of you sleeping in this incredible bed.”

He walked closer to the bed, but then backed away again.

“No, I couldn’t.”

I was getting very confused.

“Pat seriously, get in the bed. It’s not like we’re going to have sex. We barely know each other and if you touch me, I will kill you with my bare hands.” I smiled innocently as I patted the space beside me.

Pat reluctantly got into the bed. I turned onto my side, with my back to Pat, and could feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FF to the next morning

I woke up with something heavy draped across my waist. I momentarily forgot where I was and began to panic. I looked under the comforter and noticed it was an arm draped across my waist. Looking beside me, I saw blonde hair. Then it clicked. I was at Pat’s and laying in his bed. I didn’t know why, but a small smile creeped onto my face. I tried to push
Pat’s arm off of me, but it was so heavy.

“Pat,” I whispered. “Pat, wake up.”

He stirred a little bit, then pulled me closer to him.

“Five more minutes.” He mumbled.

Finally, I had had enough. I wanted to get back to the hospital.

“Pat! Get up! I need to go check on Ryan!” I all-but screamed at him.

His eyes shot open and he looked over at me.

“Oh God, Claire. I’m sorry, let’s go.”

I shook my head and stared at him. He looked at me with his eyes full of confusion. I then looked down to my waist. His eyes widened then he removed his arm.

“Uhhh… I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I did that.”

I chuckled softly.

“It’s okay, Pat. Can we go now, though? I need to make sure that Ryan’s alright?”

He nodded and jumped out of bed. I can’t believe I missed it last night, but he has an amazing body. His back was turned towards me, so he didn’t notice me staring. I couldn’t take my eyes away. Finally, he turned around.

“Enjoying the view?” Once again, Pat took me out of my trance.

I could feel the blush creep up in my cheeks.

“Oh please, don’t let your ego get bigger than it already is.” I smirked.

Pat rolled his eyes and we headed out of his condo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FF to the hospital

I was clinging to pat’s arm while we walked into the hospital. I knew my brother was a fighter, but I was obviously thinking the worst. That’s what happens when you’re a worry-wort.

“Claire, Patrick, I’m afraid that I can’t let you into Ryan’s room just yet.”

I was dumb-founded.

“Why, the hell not, Nat? I just want to make sure he’s alright.”

She gave me a sympathetic look.

“Okay, you can go in, but I can’t promise that you’ll like what you see.”

Pat and I walked into Ryan’s room arm-in-arm. Nat was right, I didn’t like what I saw.

“Hey guys, sorry about the scare last night.”

I loved what I saw. I could feel the tears coming down my face as I let go of Pat and ran over to Ryan.

“Oh Claire, don’t cry. I’m okay. I know it must have been scary for you, but I’m not going anywhere.”

I couldn’t hide the tears. I was so happy to see him okay.

“I know, buddy, I know. It was just really scary. I didn’t know if you….”

“Hey, I’m still here. Don’t talk silly like that.”

I nodded and felt a hand begin to rub my back. I looked over my shoulder and saw Pat, who gave me a small smile.

“Hey Pat, you taking care of this one and all her craziness?”

Pat chuckled. “Well, she can take care of herself quite well, buddy, but I did give her company last night.”

“Oooo.. mini-Kaners! Yes!!” I saw Ryan’s eyes light up when he said that.

Pat and I looked at each other and burst out laughing, Ryan joining in.

“Now who’s talking silly, huh?”