Just Know This

I know I wasn’t perfect despite how you used to tell me I was perfect for you. I know that I made mistakes and you did too but please know this: I still love you.

We both made mistakes and ruined the best thing either of us ever had. It breaks my heart to think that maybe you don’t feel that way anymore. Is there any way for me to know if I’m still your charm, or if I’m just bad luck? I don’t want to ruin this chance for you.

I know that you’ve got a new girlfriend now and I still want the best for you, even though this time last year you let us fall apart. It’s almost been a year now since I last kissed you and was able to call you mine or tell you that I love you. Just because I haven’t said it doesn’t mean it still isn’t true. If love is a labor I’ll slave till the end because I could never let you go, my heart won’t allow it. How could I ever stop loving you? The worst part is I think you want me to stop, to act like you were never apart of my life. But don’t you understand? I can’t pretend that the day you walked into my life didn’t change my life forever! Nothing will ever be the same again, I knew from the moment we saw each other that you would have a big role in my life. I only wish that instead of teaching me a lesson on heartbreak that you were here to stay, to hold me in your arms forever.

Why couldn’t I have fallen apart at the cruel words of someone else? Why did it have to be you that hurt me so?

Will you ever learn to see beyond the imperfections of our past so that we may start again? Baby, if I could I would travel back in time to start all over again with you. I’d go back to that April day and stare into your soft brown eyes for the very first time like I did three years ago. Time has distanced us and now I wonder if we’re getting more lost as I still try to keep you in my life. I’m not strong enough without the chunk of my heart that you ripped out to go on living without you. I have no choice but to carry on, but every night I think of you and wish that you would say you still love me and that you were wrong in ending our relationship. I’m just a hopeless mess wrapped up in the memories that I cannot erase; the words you spoke, the smiles you gave, the way you held me close, that fateful meeting when I thought that maybe “love at first sight” was true, and that cold December day shortly after Christmas and our 19 month anniversary that you told me it was over. You wouldn’t even grace me with a phone call. All I got was a text while you were at band practice. It’s nice to know that your bass mattered more than I did in the end.

It’s so hard for me to think that maybe all this time, you lied. But how could you lie for so long when your eyes told the truth about how much I meant to you? The eyes are the windows to the soul as they say, and John, your eyes were beautiful. I saw everything I ever hoped I would. Give me one last glimpse if you could; don’t leave me here in this pitiful despair.

I realize that our time has passed us by, but I will not give up. If you come to love the girl that has replaced me, I don’t know what I’ll do. She’s lucky to have you; I know firsthand what being your girl is like. Everyone tells me I deserve better than you, but they can’t tell me how to feel. Maybe they’re right, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t want you back. No one will ever replace you in my heart, even if I’m replaced in yours. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake in taking a chance with you, but then I remember how I felt when I was with you. I am afraid that I will never feel that way again. I’m always thinking of you, some days I’m angry and others I’m in tears. I want to leave this city, and leave the pain behind.

But just know this; I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand, no matter how long I have to wait for you.