Mistakes We Wouldn't Learn From

[Zack]

I woke up to bright sunlight the next morning and groaned to myself. Why was it so bright? I looked around and realized that I wasn’t in the van, and remembered that I had come outside to sleep on the bench behind the venue. I sat up and was surprised when a black hoodie fell off my chest. I picked it up and frowned. This was Alex’s favorite hoodie – his blink-182 hoodie that he got at a concert a year or two ago. What was it doing out here with me?

He must have come out here this morning or last night and put it on top of me or something. I couldn’t think of any other reason it would be out here with me. I could smell his cologne on the hoodie, and I realized how much I had missed that smell. I sighed as I looked at the hoodie I was holding. I really wanted to forgive him. I really wanted Alex back. Despite what he’d done to me. But... did he want me if he could find someone better?

I shook Derek’s words out of my head. There was only one way to find out, and that was to talk to Alex. I stood up and pulled Alex’s hoodie on, zipping it up. This thing was soft; no wonder he loved it so much. I checked my phone and saw that it was nine o’clock – most of the guys should be up by now. I headed back to the van, where all of the windows and the side doors were open to let in some air. The guys were hanging out around the van, eating breakfast and talking.

“Hey Zack!” Rian greeted, looking happy to see me.

“I’m surprised you didn’t send out a search party when you didn’t see me in the van,” I mused as I got to the van.

“I told them where you were. Rian was about to call the cops,” Alex spoke up. He had a hopeful look on his face. Was it because I was wearing his hoodie?

“Figures,” I said. “Um, Alex, can we talk?”

Alex’s eyes widened, but he nodded and got out of the van quickly.

“Come with me then. And you guys better not follow us,” I said, pointing at the others with a frown. “I know Rian snuck over to eavesdrop yesterday.”

Rian blushed and held his hands up in surrender, “We’ll stay here, I promise.”

I nodded and looked back up at Alex, speaking more softly, “C’mon.”

Alex followed me back to that bench I had slept on, sitting down with me. “You have no idea how much I panicked last night when I didn’t see you in the van. I woke up in the middle of the night and ran around trying to find you. You scared me to death,” he said.

“So that’s how I got the hoodie,” I said, gesturing toward myself.

“Yeah. It looks good on you,” Alex said with a barely visible smile, and I blushed. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Um, just... us,” I said nervously, looking up at him.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about. I mean, I could beg for forgiveness again if you’d like. I seem to have that speech memorized.”

“I forgive you, Alex. I know it was a mistake. You fucked up royally, but I know it was a mistake. I know that if you were sober you wouldn’t have dared tried to have sex with me,” I admitted.

He looked surprised, “So you’re seriously forgiving me? Like, forgiving me and want to be my boyfriend still?”

“I don’t know about the second part,” I said quietly, and his face fell.

“Oh.”

“I-I have a question, Alex. I want you to answer honestly,” I told him. He nodded hesitantly, looking at me as he waited for me to ask. “Do you think you could find someone better than me? Do you hate that I have anxiety problems and won’t have sex with you?” I asked in a small voice, ashamed for asking it.

Alex looked stunned at my question. “Of course not! Your anxiety isn’t a problem to me, and I honestly don’t mind that you won’t have sex. We’re only seventeen; I don’t want to force you into it. It’s my own fault that I’m not a virgin,” he said, shaking his head quickly. “No, I don’t hate either of those things.”

“B-but do you think you could find someone better than me?” I asked, tears filling up in my eyes. That was the part I really needed to hear the answer to.

“Hell no. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Zack. I couldn’t find someone better if I tried. There’s no boy on this earth that’s as sweet as you are. You’re perfect. Don’t you dare think you’re not good enough for me,” Alex said firmly. “I’m the shitty boyfriend in this relationship. I’m the one that caused all of our fights.”

“But my anxiety and my abstinence are the reason the fights started in the first place,” I whimpered, my tears spilling over.

“No, alcohol is the reason those fights started. You did not cause them. I don’t understand why you keep thinking that you’re the problem. You’re literally like the most perfect human being I’ve ever met. Your flaws are what make you perfect,” Alex said, scooting closer to me. I choked back a sob as he held his arms out. “Come here, baby. I’m not just going to sit here and watch you cry.”

I hesitated only for a split second, before I put my arms around Alex and let him hold onto me tightly as I cried into his shoulder. I’m such a fucking baby when it comes to him.

“Shh, calm down, Zack. You’re gonna make me cry too,” Alex said with a weak laugh, rubbing my back gently. “Did someone say something to make you think you’re not good enough for me? Is that why you’re so upset over it?” he asked me.

“N-no,” I lied, burying my face into his neck. I didn’t want to tell him that Derek said that. If he even believed me, he would probably go beat up Derek right now and ruin the tour. It was better to just keep that to myself.

“Well you need to push those thoughts out of your mind then, because I can’t get anyone better than you,” Alex said, still rubbing my back. My tears slowed down after a few minutes, but I didn’t let go of him. I didn’t want to let go yet.

“Alex?” I murmured, turning my head so I was looking up at him as best as I could.

“Yeah?” he asked softly, looking down at me.

“I really want you to be my boyfriend still,” I said, and even from my awkward position on his shoulder, I could see his wide smile. I sat up and pressed my lips against his in a firm kiss, my head spinning with pleasure. I hadn’t kissed him in a few days, and I didn’t realize how much I missed it. I pulled back after a minute, smiling and resting my head against his. “I love you.”

Alex just smiled and kissed my nose, “I love you too.”